Mr. Ratburn and the Special Someone/Transcript

Introduction

At Lakewood Elementary School, the school bell rings as Maria, Muffy, Arthur, and Mr. Ratburn walk into the latter's classroom. Mr. Ratburn closes the door behind them.

Mr. Ratburn: Good morning, class. Did everyone enjoy the reading on lichens and liverworts?

Buster: Oh, yeah!

Muffy: They should make a movie.

Mr. Ratburn: Excellent. Then this pop quiz should be a breeze.

All students: (groan)

Binky: Come on!

Mr. Ratburn's phone rings with a wedding ringtone.

Mr. Ratburn: Oh! Hello, Patty. I'm afraid I can't talk right now. Oh, flower arrangements? I was thinking of sunflowers. Yes, sunflowers do look a little silly, but perhaps pink? Yes, white is more elegant. Thank you, Patty. Goodbye. It was very rude of me to take that call. But it was important.

Buster: Are the flowers on the quiz too?

Mr. Ratburn: No, they're for a wedding.

Muffy: A wedding? Who's getting married?

Mr. Ratburn: (chuckles) Me.

All students: (gasp)

Title Card: Mr. Ratburn reads Love Poems by Pablo Neruda and puts it away

Francine, Muffy, and Buster are eating nachos at The Sugar Bowl.

Muffy: Teachers don't get married. It's just... wrong.

Arthur: I guess they do have some sort of life outside the classroom.

Buster: No, they don't. When they go home, they sharpen pencils, eat kale, and dream up homework assignments.

In Buster's imagination, Mr. Ratburn sharpens a pencil, eats kale, and dreams up homework assignments for his students in his house at night.

Mr. Ratburn: (evilly) A 4,000-word essay on the color grey! (laughs maniacally, but then starts coughing when he chokes on the kale)

Buster's fantasy ends.

Buster: They don't even sleep. They just go into low-power mode and watch documentaries.

Francine: That's ridiculous. But who on earth would want to marry Mr. Ratburn? (gasps)

The door to The Sugar Bowl is opened, making the bell ring. Mr. Ratburn comes in with a woman.

Mr. Ratburn: How about this table, Patty?

Arthur, Francine, Muffy, and Buster hide under their table.

Patty: That one has better light.

Arthur+Francine+Muffy+Buster: (gasp)

Rafi brings Mr. Ratburn and Patty their menus on their table.

Patty: Green tea, steeped for precisely three-and-a-half minutes, an order of dry white toast, and some clean silverware.

Arthur+Francine+Muffy+Buster: (gasp)

Mr. Ratburn: (awkwardly) Coffee, please.

Patty: Now, what did you think of the caterer we met?

Mr. Ratburn: That salmon mousse he gave us was delicious.

Patty: Hah! I wouldn't feed it to a stray cat. And I don't even like cats. We'll keep looking.

Mr. Ratburn: Patty, not everything about the event has to be, well... perfect.

Buster reaches out from under the table he's hiding under to grab a nacho.

Patty: Nigel, do you really want an A-minus wedding? I must confess, I expected more of you. You're too soft, Nigey. Too easygoing. We need to toughen you up.

Arthur+Francine: (gasp)

Patty: You just leave everything to Patty. She sips on her tea. I said three-and-a-half minutes. This is two-and-three quarters.

***

Arthur, Francine, Muffy, and Buster are in the Tree House. Francine paces around while Arthur and Buster hold baseball cards.

Francine: We need ideas, people. Ideas! If Mr. Ratburn marries Patty, our lives are toast.

Buster: Unbuttered toast. Like she ordered.

Muffy: And sent back twice.

Arthur: She did seem kind of harsh, but we really don't know her.

Francine: That's not the point! She said she was going to toughen Mr. Ratburn up.

Muffy: Can you imagine what a tougher Mr. Ratburn would be like?

In Arthur's imagination, he turns his homework in to Mr. Ratburn.

Arthur: Here's my homework, Mr. Ratburn.

Mr. Ratburn: Is that a... misplaced comma? (Grunts) Bad grammar make Ratburn angry! (roaring) Ratburn give even more homework! (Roaring)

Mr. Ratburn roars angrily and Arthur gasps. Mr. Ratburn turns into a muscular, green-skinned monster, tearing apart his clothes. He starts writing on the blackboard while Arthur runs away screaming.

Arthur: Okay, how do we stop this wedding?

Muffy: What if Mr. Ratburn was the exact opposite of what Patty was looking for? Someone like... this.

Muffy shows Arthur, Francine, and Buster a picture of Mr. Ratburn dressed in hippie clothes on her phone.

Buster: (gasps) Where did you find that photo?

Muffy: I made it with HippieMorph. It's a new app that turns anyone into a hippie. See?

Muffy shows Buster a picture of himself as a hippie.

Buster: Wow. I really like that look.

Francine: Great idea, Muffy. But just a photo might not be enough. Here's what we're gonna do; we're going to... (whispers)

***

In the teacher's lounge, Mr. Ratburn is reading a book titled Love Poems by Pablo Neruda. Arthur and Buster peep through the partly open door, then they stage a conversation in the hallway.

Arthur: (forced tone) Oh, Buster! I haven't slept in days! I think my schoolwork will suffer.

Buster: Oh, no! What is wrong, Arthur?

Arthur: It's this book. Kate will never sleep again if we don't read it to her. But we can't do the characters.

Buster: Oh, if only you knew of an actor you could record. Like someone who did voices for puppets.

Mr. Ratburn puts the book down and opens the teacher's lounge door.

Mr. Ratburn: (clears throat) I might be able to help.

Arthur hands Mr. Ratburn the book Dancing Uni-Penguin. Buster hands him a microphone and a recorder.

***

Francine, Muffy, Buster, and Arthur are at Muffy's House, looking at her laptop.

Muffy: There! Mr. Ratburn 2.0.

She unplugs a memory stick from her laptop.

***

At The Sugar Bowl, Rafi serves unbuttered toast to Patty, who is looking at her tablet and sips her tea. The door to The Sugar Bowl is opened, and Francine comes in wearing a black trench coat and fedora.

Francine: (whispering to Patty) He's not who you think he is.

Patty looks at Francine in surprise. Francine puts the memory stick down on her table.

Patty: Hmm.

Patty picks up the memory stick and plugs it into her tablet. The sound of The Sugar Bowl door opening and closing is heard as Francine leaves. Patty picks up the memory stick and plugs it into her tablet. The screen shows Mr. Ratburn in hippie clothes playing bongos and reciting a poem.

Mr. Ratburn: (on the speakers of Patty's tablet) Oh, little uni-penguin, so soft and sweet. I love your pretty horn, and your itty-bitty feet.

Patty’s mouth falls open. Francine crosses the street and joins Arthur, Buster and Muffy behind a hedge on the other side. Arthur watches The Sugar Bowl through binoculars.

Buster: Well? Does she look heartbroken? Or super angry?

Through the binoculars, Patty is seen laughing loudly.

Patty: (laughing)

Arthur: She's laughing. Now she's sending back the toast. Something tells me she's not going to call the wedding off.

Francine: (sighs) Looks like we'll have to move to Plan B.

***

Arthur and Francine are walking on the sidewalk.

Arthur: You really think this will work?

Francine: Sure. Mr. Ratburn and Ms. Turner are a perfect match. They both love books and libraries, and... books. We just have to make him see that she's a much better fit for him than Miss Meanie.

Arthur and Francine enter Patrick's Chocolates. Patrick gets up from behind a shelf.

Patrick: Welcome to Patrick's. Chocolates for any occasion, or just because you love chocolate. Free sample?

Patrick picks up a plate of chocolate pieces and shows it to Arthur and Francine. They both take and eat one.

Arthur+Francine: Mmm.

Arthur: What is that?

Patrick: Semi-dark organic Mexican chocolate, hazelnut-flavored caramel, and a hint of orange zest. I call it the Frida Kahlo.

Francine: We'll take it.

Patrick: Shall I gift wrap it? Or if it's just for you, I'll give you some napkins and a glass of milk.

Arthur: (chuckles) No, it's for our teacher.

Francine: And our librarian.

Patrick: Ah, some of my favorite people. Can I ask what the occasion is?

Arthur: We're trying to get them to be a couple.

Patrick: Hmm. I'm a big believer in chocolate, but I'm not sure it can make people fall in love.

Francine: We're desperate.

Patrick: Gotcha. Well, I hope love wins out. Good luck.

Patrick hands Arthur and Francine a box of chocolate.

***

In Mr. Ratburn's classroom, the school bell rings, and the students begin filing out of the classroom.

Buster: Hey, Mr. Ratburn, there's a special exhibit at the library on liverwurst.

Muffy: He means liverworts-- you know, that fascinating plant you gave us that super-fun quiz on? Wanna go?

Buster: (chuckles) That Ms. Turner. She makes the best exhibits.

Muffy: Yeah, I bet there'll be chocolate and non-alcoholic champagne.

Mr. Ratburn: I'd love to, but what with the wedding preparations, I'm too busy.

Mr. Ratburn gets up from his desk to leave the classroom. Buster and Muffy look at each other in worry.

Mr. Ratburn: Oh, would you mind returning this library book for me?

(Mr. Ratburn hands Love Poems to Muffy and leaves the classroom)

Muffy: Love Poems by Pablo Neruda. Ooh! That gives me an idea.

***

In the library, Francine is standing next to a table with pictures of liverworts, books on plants, a bonsai tree, a bottle of cider with two glasses and the box of chocolate from Patrick's.

Francine: (whispering) Where's Mr. Ratburn?

Buster comes running.

Buster: (whispering) He couldn't make it. But Muffy improvised.

Buster points to the library checkout, where Muffy is talking to Ms. Turner.

Muffy: Hi, Ms. Turner. Mr. Ratburn wanted me to return this to you. Personally.

Muffy puts Love Poems down on Ms. Turner's desk and runs away. Ms. Turner opens the book and finds a letter written on pink paper. As she reads it, Mr. Ratburn’s head appears in a thought bubble. He reads all the spelling mistakes phonetically.

Mr. Ratburn: (in Ms. Turner's thoughts) "My dear Paj Tuner. You are a book to me, a book I can't not put down. Will you make me happy? And erase this winkled frown? Shine on me like the loonely moon above, and together we will build a liberry, a liberry of love. Nigal Ratburn."

Ms. Turner rolls her eyes and shakes her head, closes the book, and puts the love letter down on her desk. Francine, Muffy, Arthur, and Buster are spying on her from behind a bookshelf. Ms. Turner then smiles and draws something on the love letter with her pen. She goes to show the love letter to Muffy, and she takes it from her. The typos in the letter are shown to have been circled.

Muffy: Huh?

Ms. Turner hands Muffy a copy of the book A Beginner's Guide to Writing Poetry.

Muffy: "A Beginner's Guide to Writing Poetry".

Muffy+Francine+Arthur+Buster: (sigh)

Arthur: Is there a Plan C?

***

Arthur arrives at his house and picks up the mail from the floor. Among it, he sees a card addressed to the Read family.

Arthur: Hmm?

***

Francine, Arthur, Buster, and Muffy are walking towards the Tree House.

Muffy: We got one too.

Buster: It looks like we're all going to a wedding.

Francine: Or as I like to think of it, "Dawn of the Toughest Teacher Ever."

Arthur: There is this part in a wedding where they ask if anyone objects?

Buster: Yeah, I saw that on TV! If someone objects, the wedding is over. Then the bride flies away on a giant cricket!

Arthur+Muffy: Huh?

Buster: It was in a Dark Bunny. But I think the law is accurate.

Francine: It might be worth a try. But we'd have to do it together.

Buster: I'm in.

Arthur, Francine, Buster, and Muffy each put their hands on top of each other's.

***

Buster dries his hair in front of the bathroom mirror and rehearses a speech.

Buster: We care for our teacher, and he deserves to be happy...

***

Arthur is looking at himself in a mirror in his house. He is wearing a tuxedo and adjusting his bow tie.

Arthur: To be with someone who is nice, kind, fun to be with...

***

Ed, Millicent, and Muffy are being driven to the wedding in their limousine.

Muffy: Someone who likes him just the way he is.

***

Francine is walking to the wedding tent with her father, mother, and older sister.

Francine: For all these reasons, we object to this union.

Patty: Ah, the Frenskys. Welcome! We're so glad you're here. (to Francine) Especially you. Nigel considers his students to be part of his family. I guess that makes us family too. (hugs Francine) Ooh! Ah, the Lundgrens. Welcome!

***

The guests are seated. At the front, Patty pats a flower girl on the head. Arthur, Buster, Francine and Muffy sit together. While everyone is wearing their best clothes, Buster is dressed like a hippie.

Buster: Doesn't the bride usually hide until the big moment?

Muffy: She probably doesn't trust anyone to do a good enough job.

Patty takes a flower from the flower girl's basket. She looks at it and frowns for a moment, but then she puts it in her lapel. She addresses the audience.

Buster+Francine: Huh?

Patty: Welcome friends. Oh, I am so happy to be sharing this day with all of you, especially Nigel's third-grade class.

Buster: (coughs)

Patty: Yes? Is there something you'd like to share?

Arthur, Buster, Francine and Muffy stand up.

Buster: (tentatively) Yes. We... Uh...

The kids look embarrassed.

Patty: Go on. You can say anything you like.

Francine: We... (quickly) think this tent looks beautiful.

Patty: Thank you. But nothing is too good for my baby brother Nigey.

Arthur+Buster+Francine+Muffy: (gasp)

Rodentia: (sobs)

Patty: Now Rodentia, don't be jealous. I'll officiate at your wedding too.

Patty gives a sign and a cellist starts playing "Cello Suite No. 1" by J.S. Bach.

Arthur: But if Patty's his sister, then...

Muffy: ...who is Mr. Ratburn marrying?

Rodentia: (sobbing)

Mr. Ratburn walks down the aisle with Patrick. Both are wearing tuxedos. Patrick winks at the kids as he passes them. Arthur and Francine look delighted.

***

After the wedding, the attendees are outside the tent, and dance music is playing. Buster walks up to Arthur, Francine, and Muffy carrying a plate with a slice of cake on it.

Buster: Mmm. (mouth full) This is the best cake I've ever had.

Muffy: I wonder how many times Patty sent it back?

Francine: Who cares? It was worth it.

Arthur: Mr. Ratburn is married. I still can't believe it.

Francine: Yep. It's a brand-new world. But there's one thing that teachers should never, ever do.

Buster: What?

Francine points at Mr. Ratburn and Patrick who are dancing enthusiastically but strangely to disco music.

Crowd: (cheers)

Francine+Arthur+Muffy+Buster: Dance!