Francine Goes to War/Transcript

Opening Segment

Francine: (to another student) If you say that again you're going to get it!
Arthur: (to audience) Francine is great. But it's really not a good idea to get her mad.
Francine: (at Arthur) You take that back, Arthur Read! I'm the nicest person you've ever known!
Arthur: (laughing disbelievingly) Oh, yeah?! What about the time you were mean to Fern?
(flashback to "Draw!")
Francine: (walking by Fern) That mouse? What's she going to do? Be quiet at me? (sarcastically) Ooh! I'm so scared. (Fern frowns sadly)
Arthur: Or when you started bossing everyone around during the play.
(flashback to "Francine Frensky, Superstar")
Francine: (angrily) If you don't do it right I'll uninvent (at Arthur's face) you and then you won't be in my play at all!
Arthur: Or how about when we bet you couldn't be nice for a week and you practically lost!
(flashback to "Meek for a Week")
(back to present time)
Francine: That is so not fair! You took all my worst moments and put them together! I could make even you look bad by doing that!
Arthur: Oh, yeah?! Try it!
Francine: Okay! How about that time you cheated at that stupid "No Guessing" game?
(flashback to "Arthur the Loser")
Arthur: Oh, my shoe's untied. (takes a card out of sleeve and puts in the deck)
Francine: Or hey, what about when you stole D.W.'s snowball?
(flashback to "D.W.'s Snow Mystery")
(Arthur, Buster, and Francine laughing pointing magnifying glass at the melting snowball laughing)
(back to present time)
Arthur: That's not true! It was just her imagination. I didn't steal the snowball! D.W. lost it! Besides, (both start arguing) everybody knows I'm nicer than you! I almost never get mad! You always get mad!
Francine: I'm just as nice as you! I'm the loyalest friend you've ever had! Animals love...

Title Card

(Buster reads the title card in a terrified voice)

"Francine Goes to War" - Written by Kathy Waugh/Storyboard by Lyndon Ruddy and Patricia Atchison.

(Francine bangs gong loudly)

Arthur: Aah!

(transitions to episode)

Episode Segment

(Francine sits at her desk)

(Catherine comes over to sharpen her pencil)

(Pencil sharpener whirring)

Francine: Would you watch it?

Your big old face is getting all over my homework!

(Francine starts a pillow fight)

Catherine: Quit it!

You wish you had my face!

Francine: You're dead meat!

Catherine: You are so in trouble!

Francine: Dad!

(knock on wall from next door tenant)

Francine: What was that?

Catherine: I think we might be haunted!

(Both girls scream)

(Later)

Oliver Frensky: Don't be silly!

There's no such thing as ghosts!

It must have been our new neighbor Mrs. Pariso.

Francine: What kind of a loser bangs on a wall like that?

She scared us to death!

Oliver: She probably wanted you to be quiet.

You girls can get pretty loud sometimes.

(Later on the roof)

(Francine humms while playing drums)

Francine: Buh, buh, buh!

Mr. Sanders: Excuse me? Excuse me?!

I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stop making that noise.

Francine: It's not noise. It's music!

And I always play up here!

Mr. Sanders: Yeah, but we got this new tenant, a "Mrs. Paro" something.

Anyway, she phoned and said, "If that racket doesn't cease and decist, I will call the police."

Francine: Her again?

Tell her to go suck an egg!

Mr. Sanders: I don't think I can do that.

Francine: Oh, all right!

That Mrs. Parrot-face is going to get it!

(Scene transitions to Francine's bedroom)

(Muffy opens door, then closes it)

Muffy: All clear.

(Francine dials a number)

(The phone drones)

Francine: (deep voice) Uh, Mrs. Pariso, uh, this is Ed, um...

Muffy: (corrects Francine) Butkin.

Francine: This is Ed Butkin.

And I just wanted to know if your refrigerator was on.

(Mrs. Pariso hangs up)

Francine: Hello?

(normal voice) Hello?

Muffy: That's not what you say! Give me that!

(Muffy redials phone number)

Muffy: (regular voice) Mrs. Pariso? My friend Francine...

Oops!

I mean my friend Ed, meant to ask you if your refrigirator was running.

(Mrs. Pariso hangs up again)

Muffy: Hello?

Hello?

She hung up on me!

Francine: Muffy, you gave me away!

Muffy: Not to worry! She's an old lady!

She won't even remember!

(Meanwhile)

Oliver: What have I told you about making prank phone calls?

Francine: Um, not to do it unless it was my absolutely necessary?

(Francine flips through TV channels)

(Oliver blocks the TV screen)

Oliver: Francine?

Francine: Okay, okay. I know I shouldn't have. but she started it. she complained about my playing drums and she was banging on my wall and-

Oliver: Francine Frensky. I don't care if Mrs. Pariso threw a water balloon at you. she is an elderly lady and you will treat her with respect.

Francine: But-

Oliver: no buts. you're grounded for two days.

(Oliver leaves the living room)

Francine: Great!

(Later at school)

Muffy: That is so unfair!

How'd she know it was you anyway?

Francine: Guess!

Buster: You've got to do something, Francine

Next you'll be arrested for watching TV.

Arthur: Maybe you could get her to move somewhere else.

Francine: Yeah, but how?

Buster: When our condo had termites

(Francine jaw drops)

about three people moved out.

Hey! I could give you some of our termites!

(Francine looks at Brain)

Brain: It would take about three years for them to get established.

But you could tell her there were rats or termites or something.

Muffy: That is a great idea!

Leave the whole thing to me!

(later at the library, Muffy finishes writing a note)

Muffy: How's this?

"We don't mean to scare you, but the bilding is about to fall down due to to many rats in the basemint.

They are chewing the ciment..."

Francine: "E"!

"Cement" is spelled with an "E."

Muffy: Oh.

(Muffy makes a spelling correction)

(continues reading) "They are chewing the cement and becoming a menace. So if you know what is good for you, you will move away as soon as you can. Signed, the manager."

Francine: That's perfect! Thanks!

Muffy: Just spill some coffee around the corners and it will look totally real!

(Later, Francine puts coffee stains on the note)

(Francine then puts the note in an envelope)

(Then she walks out of her suite and places the letter under Mrs. Pariso's door)

(After that, she walks away)

(Francine jiggles the locked door)

(Mrs. Pariso comes out, Francine gasps)

(Panicked, Francine hides behind a plant bowl)

(Mrs. Pariso searches the area, then returns to suite four)

Francine: Phew.

(Francine knocks at door)

(Catherine opens it)

Cathering: What are you doing?

Francine: Don't ask.

You can thank me tomorrow.

(Later)

Oliver: You got a letter on your plate, Francine.

(Francine sees the same note with corrections from Mrs. Pariso)

(Francine gasps, then crumples up the note)

Francine: This means war!

Oliver: What did you say?!

Francine: Uh, nothing.

(Francine shreds note under table)

(Later)

(Francine and Prunella stand in a closet)

Francine: You sure this will work?

Prunella: I am totally sure!

She won't be able to withstand the terror!

You ready?

(as a ghost) Mrs. Pariso! Mrs. Pariso!

I have come here to haunt you!

(Francine makes ghost noises and chimes the spoons)

Prunella: You must leave here before it's too late!

Leave here before it's too late!

(Francine continues making sounds)

(Francine stops)

Francine: This is stupid!

Prunella: (normal voice) Wait! Wait! I hear something!

(Apartment residents complain simultaneously)

Prunella: I think the spirits are answering!

(complaining continues)

Francine & Prunella: Uh-oh!

(both girls run out of storage room back into Francine's apartment)

(Francine shuts the door)

Francine: We made it!

(High-fives Prunella)

(Prunella reaches into her bag)

Prunella: As soon as the coast is clear, put this spider on her doormat.

Francine: Yuck! I hate spiders!

Prunella: It never fails!

(Later, Francine opens the door and puts one of Oliver's boots between the door and the door frame so she doesn't get locked out)

(Francine lays the spider on Mrs. Pariso's doormat, then blows a raspberry)

(Francine then runs back to her apartment)

(The next day, Francine while Francine walks to school, the spider falls on her)

Francine: Oh, my gosh!!

Spider, spider, spider, spider!!

How did that get up there?

(Francine looks at Mrs. Pariso's door, then walks downstairs)

Francine: Nah.

(Later after school, Francine washes dishes with Oliver)

Oliver: Do you realize that three people called to complain about the noise last night?

Francine: It wasn't noise. It was... sound effects.

Oliver: (responds) Your mother and I have been trying to decide what to do about you.

And I think we finally found a solution.

Francine: I know, I know.

Grounded for three days and I have to take out the garbage.

Oliver: Not quite.

Mrs. Pariso has invited you for tea next Saturday and you have gratefully accepted.

(Francine drops plate on floor shattering)

Francine: WHAT?!

(Later)

Arthur, Muffy, and Buster: No way!

Francine: What am I going to do?

I'd rather eat dog food.

Buster: Wow!

Even I don't want to eat dog food!

Muffy: I bet she's got mice and bats and things!

You'd better get a rabies shot!

Francine: If I'm not in school on Monday, just remember how much you liked me.

(Francine walks away)

Okay?

Arthur: Should one of us go with her?

Buster: Mm-mm!

Muffy: No!

(Next day, Francine in a dress walks up to Mrs. Pariso's apartment)

Francine: Here goes nothing!

(knocks on door)

(Mrs. Pariso opens the door)

Mrs. Pariso: You must be Francine.

Francine: You must be Mrs. Pariso.

Mrs. Pariso: I knew I'd like you!

Come on in!

(Francine walks in Mrs. Pariso's unit)

Mrs. Pariso: Somehow, I didn't picture you in a dress.

Francine: My mom made me wear it.

Mrs. Pariso: Have a seat!

What can I get you?

Francine: I thought we were supposed to have tea.

Mrs. Pariso: Forget it! I hate tea!

Want a soda?

Francine: Sure! You got orange?

Mrs. Pariso: It's my favorite!

How do you feel about chocolate chip cookies?

Francine: Good! Very good!

(Mrs. Pariso walks over with tray while Francine looks at pictures)

Francine: Is this you in the pictures?

Mrs. Pariso: You betcha!

Francine: With all of these trophies and stuff?!

Mrs. Pariso: Let's see.

I got to the semis at Wimbledon twice and a couple of doubles.

But my real sport was riding.

Francine: Are you kidding me?!

I love horses!

I majorly LOVE horses!

Mrs. Pariso: Somehow I knew we'd get along!

Have a seat! Have a cookie!

(Later, Francine is going to bed, talking to her dad)

Francine: She's like a total athlete!

She plays tennis, and rides horses, and she even went to the Olympics once!

Oliver: Sounds just like you!

Francine: She is just like me! It's weird.

It's like we were... sisters or something.

And she said the reason she was mean was because she's lonely.

So I told her I'd help her meet people!

Oliver: What did I tell you about getting to know someone before you decide if you like them or not?

Francine: Oh, Dad, (takes gum out of her mouth) do you always have to be right about everything?

(Francine sticks it to her lamp)

Oliver: Yes. (chuckles) Yes, I think I do.

(Oliver points to the trashcan)

(Francine throws the gum into the garbage)

(The next day, later at school, during lunch)

Francine: Mrs. MacGrady, you play bingo on Thursday nights, right?

Mrs. MacGrady: You betcha!

Francine: I know this old lady.

I mean this lady who needs some friends.

Could she come play with you? Do you think?

Mrs. MacGrady: Sure! The more the merrier!

7:00, Moose Lodge.

Francine: Great! Thanks!

(Later, Mrs. Pariso and Oliver shake hands)

Francine: This is my dad, Oliver.

Oliver: Nice to finally meet you in person!

Come on in and I'll introduce you to the rest of your neighbors.

Francine: That's my job, Dad!

Your job is to answer the door.

(Oliver chuckles)

(Later at a ranch, Mrs. Pariso rides a horse)

Francine: I told you she was good.

Mrs. Pariso: Come on, Francine! Grab a horse!

I've got a few tricks to show you!

Francine: (asks Stanley) Can I?

(Stanley nods his head yes)

Francine: (responds to Mrs. Pariso) I'll be right there!

(Francine runs to get a horse)

(Then in the treehouse, Francine introduces Mrs. Pariso to her friends)

Francine: And this is Arthur, Muffy, Buster, and that's Brain!

Buster: Wow! You look nice for a witch!

Francine: She's not a witch, you doof-brain!

Mrs. Pariso: Oh, but I never told you about the time I met an old warlock when I was training in Romania!

At least that's what he said he was, and he told me that if I ever wanted to cast a spell against an opponent...

(Mrs. Pariso continues)

(Later, Mrs. Pariso and Francine walk out of the Sugar Bowl with ice cream cones)

Mrs. Pariso: It was a lucky day when I met you, Frensky!

Francine: You said it, Mrs. P!

(Later at night, Catherine reads on her bed while Francine does her homework at her desk)

(Mrs. Pariso laughs in the next unit while upbeat music plays)

Catherine: Oh, no!

That is the third time this week!

(Catherine shuts her book)

Francine: What's the big deal? She's just having fun.

Catherine: The big deal is I can't do my homework!

You created a monster!

(Catherine bangs "Shave and a Haircut" loudly on the wall)

(Chattering in the other unit continues)

(Mrs. Pariso knocks twice on the wall in response)

(Catherine walks away)

Catherine: Hmph!

(Francine smiles just before the episode ends)