Too Much of a Good Thing/Transcript

In the Reads’ yard, Pal fetches a stick and puts it down beside Arthur who is reading in a deck chair.

Arthur: Pal loves playing stick. I think it's his favorite thing in the world. But what if he did it every single day?

On Arthur’s other side, a machine looking like a twig shredder shoots out a stick.

Machine: Fetch.   

Pal chases the stick.

D.W. sits motionless in front of the television as if hypnotized. She has rings under her eyes and holds a Mary Moo Cow Doll.

Arthur: (narrator) How about D.W.? She loves watching Mary Moo Cow. But would she still love it if she watched it all day long?

Arthur comes in.

Arthur: 14 hours straight - that must be a new record. Shall I turn it off now?

D.W.: [moos]

Arthur: Is that a "yes" or a "no"?

D.W.: [moos]

Arthur: Um, hello?      

He moves his hand in front of D.W.’s face. She starts drooling.

D.W.: [moos]

Arthur: And what about Mr. Ratburn?

Mr. Higgins rings Mr. Ratburn’s door with a parcel.

Arthur: [narrator] He loves giving quizzes. But I bet he wouldn't, if he did it all the time.

Mr. Ratburn opens.

Mr. Ratburn: Quickly, what's the capital of Papua New Guinea?

Mr. Higgins: Uh, Papua?    

Mr. Ratburn signs Mr. Higgins clipboard, then draws a large F on it.

Mr. Ratburn: Wrong. Port Moresby. You get an F. Ah, what a glorious day!   

He goes inside with his parcel. Mr. Higgins looks confused.

[The fantasies end]

Arthur: Okay, maybe that was a bad example. But I do wonder, if you have too much of a good thing...

Machine: Fetch!

Arthur: ...does it make it a bad thing?   

Pal brings the stick and lies down exhausted.

Pal: (whines)

~~~

Title Card: Binky has brought Buster cookies

~~~

Arthur wakes up at 7:30 and puts on his glasses. He sees Buster’s face right in front of him.

Arthur: (screams)

Buster: Rise and shine!

Arthur: What are you doing here?

Buster: Your mom let me in. Come on, we have to get going. I laid your clothes out for you. Today, I thought you'd wear a white shirt, a yellow V-neck sweater and blue jeans. Is that good?

Arthur: Yeah, I guess. Where are we going?     

Buster turns around while Arthur changes.

Buster: Arthur, it's April 22nd.

Arthur: So?

Buster: April 22nd is when the Kit Scouts start selling cookies. I've saved up enough money for the family-sized box of Tuvalunas!

Arthur: Are those the coconut ones?

Buster: They're not just coconut. They're coconut-laced cashew clusters, dipped in Oaxacan chocolate and drizzled with artisanal caramel. Oh, it's poetry in baking!

Arthur: (sighs)  Okay. I guess I'll get some too.   

He empties his piggy bank, but there are only four coins.   

Arthur: Or not.

Buster: Don't sweat it. You can have some of mine.

Arthur: Ha! I'll be lucky if I can get one.

Buster: What do you mean by that?

Arthur: Every year, you buy a box and gobble up the whole thing in minutes. Then you feel sick.

Buster: I don't do that.

Arthur: Yes, you do. I think I have a photo somewhere.    

He searches a box.

Buster: (sighs)

Arthur: Here we go. This is you, when you just got the cookies last year.  

A photo shows Buster in an armchair, opening a box of cookies.     

Arthur: And here's you, 13 minutes later.    

Buster sits in the armchair looking plump and nauseous.

Buster: Oh, yeah...

~~~

In front of the Sugar Bowl, Emily, in Kit Scout uniform, has set up a table and sells cookies to the Molinas. Marie-Hélène stands beside her. Arthur and Buster are next.

Arthur: Well, this time things are gonna be different.

Buster: Your largest box of Tuvalunas, please.   

Emily hands him a box.   

Buster: Thanks.

Arthur: How will things be different?

Buster: Here, have one.   

Arthur and Buster each eat a cookie and start walking home.      

Buster: I'm gonna exercise willpower.

Arthur: But you don't have any willpower.   

Buster eats cookie after cookie while walking.

Buster: What are you talking about? I've got tons of willpower. I just... forget to use it.

Arthur: Buster, you've just eaten three cookies in under 30 seconds while talking about willpower.     

Buster puts a half-eaten cookie back into the box.     

Buster: You're right. Take these away. From now on, only let me have one per day.

Arthur: Uh-uh. If I take them, you'll pester me every five minutes.   

He tries to give Buster the box but Buster pushes it back.

Buster: I won't, I swear!

Arthur: Yes, you will. And then I'll just wind up giving in.

Buster: Well, there must be someone who can hold on to them for me.

Arthur: Hm. I think I've thought of the perfect person.    

He walks on with the box.

Buster: Can I have one more? 

Arthur: No!

~~~

Binky sits at his desk in his room with the cookie box in front of him. Arthur and Buster sit on chairs on the other side of the table.

Binky: So let me get this straight. You want me to hold on to these cookies and only give you one a day, no matter how much you beg and plead?

Buster: That's right.

Binky: Will you be doing a lot of begging and pleading?      

Buster looks to Arthur who nods.

Buster: Probably.

Binky: Well, that does make it more interesting.

Arthur: He'll also give you a cut of the cookies.

Buster: I will?

Arthur: Buster, this is for your own good.

Buster: Okay. You can have... one.

Binky: How's ten?

Buster: No way!

Binky: Ten, or no deal.      

Buster pulls his own ears.

Buster: Aww! Okay. I'll just take one more before I...

Binky: No, the deal starts now. You get your next cookie tomorrow.     

He puts the cookie box into a wooden box and puts a lock on it.    

Binky: After school, at the Tower of Pain.

Buster: (gulps)

~~~

The next day, the third-graders sit in class.

Mr. Ratburn: The formula for the area of a circle is pi R squared. So, if we know that the radius is 6 inches and pi = 3.14 then all we have to do is multiply 6 by...

In Buster’s imagination, the circle on the blackboard transforms into an anthropomorphic cookie.

Tuvaluna: (laughs)  Hi, Buster!

Buster: Hi, Tuvaluna. I miss you.      

The cookie jumps on his desk.

Tuvaluna: I miss you, too. When are you coming to see me?

Buster: Not for another... five hours.

Tuvaluna: Five hours?! Oh, I can't wait that long. I have to see you now.  

The cookie disappears.

Mr. Ratburn: Well, Buster? What's the answer?

Buster: Coo-kie...

Mr. Ratburn: No, "cookie" is incorrect. The answer is 113.1 inches squared. Let's try to focus, shall we?        

Buster buries his face in his arms.

After school, Buster runs to the jungle gym. Binky and Molly sit on top, Rattles and Slink stand in front of it. When Buster wants to climb on the jungle gym, Rattles stops him.

Rattles: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I help you?

Buster: I have to see Binky. He's got my Tuvalunas.

Rattles: And you are?     

He takes out a list.

Buster: Who am I? You know who I am, Rattles.     

Rattles looks quizzical.     

Buster: (sighs) Buster Baxter.

Rattles: You're not on the list. Wait here.      

He climbs up.

Buster: Aw...    

Rattles comes back.

Rattles: Okay, Binky will see you.

Buster climbs up. Binky sits on a box and has the locked box in his lap. Buster looks like he is suffering from withdrawal.

Binky: Oh. Hey, Buster. What's up?

Buster: You know what's up! I want my Tuvaluna.

Binky: Oh, that. Okay.   

He unlocks the box and takes out one cookie.    

Binky: New rule. You have to eat it here.

Buster: Okay, okay! Just give me my cookie.   

He snatches the cookie and bites into it.  

Buster: Mmm! Sweet relief.

Binky: Come on, come on, eat up. I haven't got all day.    

Buster hastily finishes the cookie and climbs down.

Binky: A pleasure doing business with you. See you tomorrow.

~~~

The next day after school, Buster runs to the jungle gym and Rattles checks the list.

Rattles: Buster...Buster... Could you spell that, please?

Buster: (sighs)  B-u-s-t...

Buster eats his cookie while Binky drinks milk from a carton.

Buster: Can I have some of that milk, please?

Binky: (breathes) Sorry, all gone.    

Molly sweeps up the cookie crumbs.

~~~

In Mr. Bevel’s woodshop class, Alex works on a birdhouse while Buster sculpts a cookie out of wood.

Buster: Coconut-laced cashew clusters...   

He bites into the wood and spits it out.He notices that George is holding a cookie box.      

Buster: (gasps) Tuvalunas! I'll buy them from you.

George: It's empty.

Buster: Empty? You're trying to taunt me, aren't you? You're a cruel moose, George Lundgren.

George: No, I just really love the design. I'm gonna use it as wallpaper for Wally's house. Although… I only really have enough for his bedroom.

Buster: Oh, sorry. I thought Binky might have put you up to it. You could have my box, but Binky has it.

George: Why?

Buster: I gave it to him, so I could enjoy my Tuvalunas for longer. But now, I'm not really enjoying them at all. It's complicated.

George: Why don't you just take them back? I mean, they're yours, right?

Buster: You're right. They are mine. Ah, but Binky won't just hand them over. Unless... George, if I give you the box, will you help me rescue my Tuvalunas?

George: Um... Okay.

~~~

While Buster eats his daily cookie, George takes a photo of the locked box.

In his dad’s workshop, George uses the photo to make a box just like Binky’s.

Outside his condominium, Buster takes the bell off his bicycle.

~~~

That night in the Lundgrens’ workshop, Buster shows George a sketch of the school playground with lots of colored arrows.

Buster: Our timing will have to be perfect. You'll have two, maybe three minutes, tops.

George: What about Molly and Binky? What if they see me?

Buster: I'll take care of them. You just focus on switching those boxes.

~~~

The next day, the Tough Customers wait at the jungle gym. George and Buster hide behind a tree.

Buster: Ready?

George: Ready.

George runs behind the jungle gym ringing the bicycle bell.

Buster: Hey, everyone! The ice-cream truck is here! Ice-cream, ice-cream!    

Several kids, including Slink, run to the street. Rattles stays at his post. Buster walks up to him.       

Buster: Didn't you hear the bell? The ice cream truck is here.

Rattles: I'm lactose intolerant.

Buster: Well... they also have sorbet.

Rattles: What flavors?

Buster: Every flavor.

Rattles: Do they have peach?

Buster: Yes, peach. They have peach.

Rattles: I bet it isn't fresh. It's not peach season. Although, they may be importing them from Ecuador. The Ecuadorian peach is pretty succulent. Eh. I guess it's worth a shot.     

He leaves. Buster gives the thumbs-up to George who is hiding behind the slide. Then he climbs up to Binky and Molly.

Buster: My cookie, please.    

Binky gives Buster his cookie and he drops it off the side.     

Buster: Oh, no! I dropped my Tuvaluna. Can I please have another one?

Binky: No way!

Buster: Well, at least help me look for it.    

Binky and Molly move next to him and Buster gives George a signal. George swaps the boxes and leaves.

Buster: Oh, never mind. I see it. Bye!    

He runs away with George. Then he returns to get his cookie from the sand. Binky looks suspicious.

~~~

In Buster’s room, George breaks the lock on Binky’s box. Buster opens the box and light shines out.

Buster+George: Whoa.

Buster: My Tuvalunas!

George: Such a beautiful box.

Buster empties the cookies on his desk and gives George the box. They shake hands and George leaves. Buster is about to eat the first cookie, when a thought bubble with Arthur appears.

Arthur: [in bubble] Every year, you buy a box and gobble up the whole thing in minutes. Then you feel sick. You have no willpower.

Buster: Arthur, would you please go away?

Arthur: [in bubble] I tried.   

The bubble disappears. Buster puts down the cookie when he hears Binky’s voice. Binky stands in the door with a paper bag.

Binky: What are you waiting for? Eat up.

Buster: Binky? How did you...?

Binky: George let me in, on his way out. That was a pretty sneaky plan you two cooked up. I'm impressed. I can't eat these. They've got nuts in them. I was gonna give them to you at the end of our deal, sort of like a prize, for having self-control.    

He empties more cookies out of his bag.      

Binky: But there's no point now. Well, enjoy.   

He leaves.

Buster: (groans)

~~~

Later, Buster hands Arthur a plate of cookies at the Reads’ door.

Arthur: You're just giving them to me? No strings attached?

Buster: Uh-huh. I ate a few and they were great. But I don't want any more. And thanks for helping me. Actually, can I just take one more?  

He takes one and leaves.

Later, Buster places the cookie in his food collection.

Buster: There. Welcome to your new home.   

He walks away, then returns and bites off part of the cookie.     

Buster: (sighs)