To Eat or Not to Eat/Transcript

Introduction

(A corridor with a door saying “Buster Baxter, Private Eye” is shown. Inside, Buster sits at a desk wearing a moustache, trench coat and hat.)

Buster (narrator): Elwood City. A place where any crazy thing can happen. And usually does. Something was in the air that night, as tantalizing as a fresh big cherry pie cooling on Grandma's window sill. A crazy stew was brewing, the ingredients boiling in a pressure cooker like a can of soda, ready to explode. (Buster searches through a file cabinet and takes out an apple.) All this talk about food was making me hungry. I grabbed an apple... and then she walked in.

(An anthropomorphic candy bar, dressed like a shady lady from a film noir, walks in.)

Buster: (gasps)

Candy Lady: You've got to help me.

(Buster drops the apple.)

Title Card: Space Ship

On TV, Bionic Bunny is chained to a wall. A villain looking like Mr. Freeze approaches him.

Villain: (evil cackle) My super-cool lozzle-slush cup-a-tron will give you a bionic brain-freeze.

The show is interrupted by a commercial.

Announcer: New, new, new from Rabid Dog Extreme, the radically rabid Big Boss Bar. So full of super-energizing goodness, your mouth might just explode! A boy is shown eating a bar and stars shoot out of his mouth. A million sparkles in every bite. You'll flip for the spark! Rabid Dog!

Arthur and Buster are watching in the Reads’ living room.

Buster: We have just witnessed greatness.

He walks zombie-like out of the rom.

Arthur: Don't you want to watch the rest of the cartoon?

Buster: Got...to...have...it.

***

When Buster arrives at the Sugar Bowl, Binky comes out with a bag full of candy bars.

Binky: 27, 28, 29… Oh, yeah! Sweet, sweet candy bars. Mine, all mine!

Buster runs inside and sees that the candy bar display is empty.

Buster: Aw! I'm too late.

He walks past a kid sitting at a table with a dreamy expression and sparks coming out of his mouth. Buster looks behind the display and sees a single bar.

Buster: (gasps) Ah-ha. A million sparkles in every bite. I wonder what would happen if I swallowed it whole?

Fern and George run by with sparks coming out of their mouths.

Fern+George: (giggle)

Buster: Oh, it looks so good. I gotta have it. But it's the last one. So good. Last one. Fern and George run by him again. Maybe I'll save it for lunch.

***

Buster stands in the lunch line at school.

Mrs. MacGrady: Tofu stew with organic veggies and the merest whisper of ground cardamom. Enjoy!

Buster: I'm more interested in basic food.

He holds up the bar.

Mrs. MacGrady: May I see it? She looks at the ingredients. "Azoshin tetratartic monoxide acid. Concentrated monopazomidetetradoxide substitute. Tri-enzomated zorn jelly?"

Buster: What's that?

Mrs. MacGrady: Beats me. And I know food. She puts the apple back on Buster’s tray. Be wary of ingredients you've never heard of - and can't pronounce. You're better off with this. Chewy and yummy.

She puts a starburst on the tray.

Buster: Erm... Well, maybe I'll try to find out what it is. It's probably harmless.

***

Binky sits in the cafeteria next to his bag full of candy bars.

Binky: Sorry, but I can't help you out.

George: Come on, Binky, I'll pay you back.

Binky: George, I'm not a charity. I need to take care of my paying customers.

Fern comes looking wired.

Fern: More sparkles, if you please. She gives him money, he gives her a bar. Thanks! She takes a bite. Later!

Buster watches them from the next table.

Buster (narrator): I was getting a funny feeling about this candy. Sure, kids are sweet for sweets, but something about this bar wasn't on the up and up.

In his imagination, he is a private eye again talking to the Candy Lady.

Buster: Spill it, sugar. What's the beef?

Buster (narrator): I said, mixing my food metaphors.

Candy Lady: They're spreading lies about me. Horrible lies.

Buster: Bum rap, huh? Who's spreading lies, cupcake?

Candy Lady: The Candyman. He knows the truth. But he won't say.

They look out through the blinds. A figure in a dark coat and hat is standing at the other side of the street. He gives them a look and runs away.

Buster (narrator): Whoever this Candyman was, I bet he had answers. And I had questions. Plenty of them.

Buster: I'm on the case, sweetheart.

Candy Lady: What are you looking at, fruit snack?

She kicks the apple across the room.

Buster runs down the street. A car appears and races at him.

Buster: (gasps)

He jumps to the side and lands in a puddle.

Buster (narrator): The slippery sucker got away clean, and all I was left with…

Buster: (sputters)

Buster (narrator): …was a soggy fedora.

***

In the school playground, kids have lined up at a table where Binky is selling candy bars.

Kids: (talk at once)

Fern: More sparkles. More sparkles! Binky hands her a bar. (excited giggle)

George puts coins on the table. Binky counts them.

George: It's all there, I swear.

Binky: It better be.

He gives George a bar which George greedily eats.

George: Mmm... Yay! (laughs)

He runs off across the playground where Buster and Brain are sitting on the merry-go-round.

Brain: It contains an impressive array of chemicals. Most of the Periodic Table of Elements is included here. Even some of the radioactive ones.

Fern hops by on a pogo stick.

Fern: (laughs, whoops)

Buster: That would explain some things.

Brain: Look! Oxylavamonotrine. That's a coloring agent. It's made out of bugs.

Buster: Could you repeat that? I thought you said, "bugs".

Brain: I did say bugs. That blood-red color comes from boiled female cochineal insects.

Buster: There are bugs in this? What about this tri-enzomated zorn jelly? Is that made from bugs too?

Brain: I don't know, I've never heard of it. But whatever it is, there's a whole lot of it in there. See? You can tell because it's one of the first ingredients listed, which means there’s more of it than the ones listed below it.

Buster (narrator): This egghead stuff was too much for me. It was gonna take some old-fashioned detective work to crack this case.

***

In his imagination, Buster wrings his hat which got soaked in the puddle.

Buster (narrator): The Candyman was a wash, but I figured I might pick up a clue if I followed the dame. Buster sees the Candy Lady come out of his house, and he follows her. We ended up in the seedy section of town. A nasty neighborhood where the worst ingredients hung out.

The Candy Lady approaches three anthropomorphic ingredients: a pile of fat, a test tube with a green fluid, and a red insect.

Buster (narrator): Suddenly, the Candyman slithered out of the shadows. The ingredients follow the Candyman into a building. What was she doing with these creeps? I'd have to dig deep to find the answers.

He walks away.

The fantasy ends.

***

Buster sits at a library computer. Nearby, George and Fern are slumped over a desk.

Buster: Okay, let's see what the Rabid Dog homepage has on... tri-enzomated zorn jelly.

The website shows a dog logo, followed by smoke and a spinning wheel. There is a loud howling noise.

Paige Turner: Shh...

Buster turns the sound off.

Buster: Okay, let's see. "Candy, an important part of every meal." Ah, "ingredients". Eight columns fill the whole screen. (gasps) The type is so small. Ah, here we go. Tri-enzomated zorn jelly. He clicks on it and the screen turns green. Huh? What happened? Weird.

Fern+George: (groan)

George: I feel hot and dizzy.

Fern: Is somebody spinning the library?

Buster (narrator): This candy bar was starting to smell rotten, no matter what a pretty package they put her in.

***

In Buster’s imagination, the candy lady sits on Buster’s desk.

Buster (narrator): It was time for me to have a heart-to-heart with Little Miss Sweetness.

Buster: Everywhere you go, you leave a trail of misery.

Candy Lady: Can I help it if people like me? I was born delicious.

Buster: You're mixed up with a bad crowd and I wanna know why.

Candy Lady: What do you want me to say? That I'm sweet and pure like Suzy Applecheeks there? She points at the apple. Well, I'm not. I'm exciting and unique and...and... complicated! (sobs)

Buster notices a label saying “Ingredients” on her coat. He wipes her tears with a handkerchief.

Buster: I'll say. Here. I hate to see candy cry. There is a yellow stain on Buster’s handkerchief which emits sparks. Buster licks it. Wow! You are delicious.

Candy Lady: Told you. Want some more?

Buster looks scared.

Buster (narrator): I felt myself getting sucked in. There was only one person left I could turn to.

He runs out of his office.

Bitzi Baxter is eating a salad in her office. Buster stands beside her.

Mrs. Baxter: A Big Boss bar? Buster, you don't want to eat this.

Buster: Yes, Mom, I do. At least, I think I do. I just want all the facts first.

Mrs. Baxter: Well, you've come to the right place. Want to take a tour with me of Rabid Dog corporate headquarters?

Buster: You can do that?

Mrs. Baxter: I've got a few favors I can call in.

She presses a button on her phone.

***

Buster and his mom walk into the Rabid Dog headquarters. A promotional video on a screen in the lobby shows a molecule forming in front of a rainbow.

Video: "Every Rabid Dog product is made with the finest ingredients. Our tri-enzomated zorn jelly comes from pure zorn extracts. Each molecule is lovingly crafted by over 100 scientists."

Buster: But what is it?

Supreme Dog appears behind him.

Supreme Dog: It's our special ingredient. I'd tell ya, but then it wouldn't be a secret.

Mrs. Baxter: Ahem. Bitzi Baxter from the Elwood City Times, thank you for meeting us, Mr...

Supreme Dog: Just call me Supreme Dog, we're very informal here.

Mrs. Baxter: Well, if it's all right, Mr. Supreme Dog, my son has a few questions about your Big Boss Bar.

Supreme Dog: Like why they're so darn tasty?

Buster: No, like why my friends can't stop eating them.

Supreme Dog: Oh, that's easy. I'll show you. He changes the program on the screen. It now shows a cross-section of a head. When you bite into a Big Boss Bar, molecules of tri-enzomated zorn jelly attach themselves to parts of your brain and make you happy. But when the little molecules die, your brain gets sad. Until you eat some more.

Mrs. Baxter: Are you saying these candy bars are... addictive?

Supreme Dog: Certainly not. Heh heh. I am saying they're delicious.

Buster: Whatever you're saying, I don't want this any more. Here, you eat it.

He hands Supreme Dog his bar.

Supreme Dog: Uh, no, no, thanks, I just had one.

Buster: No, you didn't. You'd still be sparkling, or jumping.

Supreme Dog walks backwards.

Supreme Dog: Easy, little feller. Just put the bar down.

Buster: Take a bite, it's your product.

Supreme Dog: No, keep it away from me! Keep it away from me!

He runs out of the building. A man hands Mrs. Baxter a note.

Mrs. Baxter: “We are sorry to inform you that Supreme Dog has had to take a personal day. The interview is over.” I think I know what tomorrow's headline is going to be: “Candy Company Cons Kids!”

They walk out.

***

In his imagination, Buster watches as a policeman puts handcuffs on the man in the dark coat.

Buster (narrator): The ace reporter had a new story, and I had lost my sweet tooth.

Buster removes the man’s sunglasses and sees that it is Supreme Dog. The policeman takes Supreme Dog away and Buster walks over to the Candy Lady.

Buster: Sorry, kiddo, but I'm gonna cut you loose.

Candy Lady: I thought you were my friend, but you're just like all the others.

Buster: You made me feel like a million bucks, baby, but now I know that was the tri-enzomated zorn jelly talking. And the polytartaric thyglycamine.

A police officer takes the Candy Lady away.

Candy Lady: Oh! (sobs)

The fantasy ends.

***

The Elwood City Times has the headline “Candy Company Cons Kids” and a picture of Supreme Dog behind bars. A copy lies on a table at the side of a street where Binky is still trying to sell Big Boss bars. Buster walks up to him eating an apple.

Binky: Big Boss Bars! Two for a quarter! Ever since this newspaper article came out, no one's buying. It'll take me years to unload this junk.

Buster: Don't worry, with the amount of chemicals in them, they'll stick around for centuries.

Binky: I sunk plenty into this scam and now I'm eating it.

Buster: It beats eating those.

Binky: You said a mouthful, Buster. A big, sparkling mouthful.

Buster walks on.