The Pea and the Princess/Transcript

*** Intro ***

D.W., Emily, and James are watching a play at the theater and talking indistinctly. Prunella is peeking out from behind the curtains on the stage, but then closes the curtains and goes backstage.

Prunella: (to Muffy, Binky, George, Arthur, and Buster) Good luck, everybody. Break a leg!

The sound of a door opening is heard.

Binky: Huh?

Francine: (she bursts through the backstage door, holding a poster for the play) Prunella! Since when is this play called The Pea? (she shows the front of the poster)

Arthur: I thought it was called The Princess and the Pea.

Prunella: And now I'm shortening it to just The Pea, which says it all.

Francine: We'll see about that.

Prunella: Don't you dare!

Francine starts tearing the poster. Prunella runs to her to try and stop her, and the two struggle over the poster.

Prunella: No, you can't...

Their struggling over the poster causes it to tear in half and sends Prunella falling to the floor on her behind.

Prunella: Ow!

Prunella's fall knocks over a pillar, and the vase on top of it falls on her ankle.

Prunella: Ow, my ankle!

Binky: (gasps) She broke a leg. The legends are true.

George helps Prunella up.

Prunella: (sighs) Don't worry. I'm okay... (moans in pain) I think I need a doctor.

George supports Prunella and they leave the stage. They stop at the door.

Prunella: The show must go on, whatever it takes.

They leave the building. Francine addresses the camera.

Francine: Don't worry. I know just what it takes. But first, let's go back and start this story at the beginning.

*** Title Card: Francine and Muffy climb a pile of mattresses with Binky under them *** Episode Buster: (voiceover) "The Pea and the Princess."

After the title card, the theater is shown from outside. A piece of paper reading "AUDITION TODAY!

Actors needed for a dramatic yet fantastic play.

Auditions starting in the auditorium to be part of an amazing production written and directed by the fresh and innovative young sensation, Prunella.

Rehearsals will take place her and will require a lot of your time and commitment." is taped to the theater doors.

Prunella: Thank you for coming out to audition for The Princess and the Pea.

(Thunder claps. Prunella rolls a stand of costumes on stage, places it in front of a door, and addresses the kids in the audience.)

Prunella: A new play, based on the fairy tale, written and directed by Prunella Deegan. (bows) Thank you, thank you.

In the audience, George, Muffy, Arthur, Buster, and Francine clap tentatively.

Prunella: Binky's running late, so... George?

George walks on stage.

George: (clears throat) Wheresoever shall I find a real princess? Oh, wherefore?

Muffy: I am a princess who has lost her way in this dreadful storm.

(Francine comes up to her with a wooden sword.)

Francine: You call that a princess? Come on. Grant me shelter, thou peasant. Or face my wrath!

Prunella: (writes something down on her clipboard) Hmm.

Arthur: (looking through the script for the play) Uh, is there a smaller part than the prince? It seems like a lot of lines.

Prunella: Next.

Binky runs on stage and crashes through the costume stand, inadvertently getting various mismatched costume pieces on himself as a result.

Binky: (panting) Sorry I'm late. Can you believe this rain? Whew! (catches breath) Okay, I got to sit down.

He sits on a mattress laid on top of some chairs and a crate, causing it to fall from his weight. The sound of kids laughing is heard.

Prunella: (gasps)

The kids' laugher continues.

Binky: (goofy voice) This is the worst bed ever, hehe. What is this mattress made of? Rocks? Hehe.

Francine: (snickers) Worst audition ever.

Francine+Muffy: (giggle)

Prunella: Brilliant.

***

Outside the theater, the kids are talking. Prunella tapes the cast list for the play to the theater doors.

Prunella: Thanks for waiting. Here's the cast list.

Francine, Arthur, and Buster look at the list.

Arthur: I'm the horse. Yes, no lines!

Buster: I'm the horse, too! Woo-hoo! Dibs on the rear.

Muffy goes down the cast list with her finger.

Francine: I'm the princess. I knew it.

Muffy: I'm the princess, too. Wait, what does that mean?

Francine: Two princesses? That's got to be a mistake.

Muffy: I am not going to play the princess's behind.

Francine and Muffy walk off as Binky comes to look at the cast list.

Arthur: What'd you get, Binky?

Binky: I'm... the pea?

Muffy, Francine, Arthur, Buster, and George talk indistinctly among themselves.

Francine: What on Earth is Prunella thinking?

***

Inside the theater, a spotlight turns on and shines on Buster, Arthur, Binky, George, Muffy, and Francine, who are all sitting on chairs and holding the scripts for their roles in the play.

Prunella: Thank you for your auditions last week, and welcome to the first rehearsal of The Princess and the Pea. (claps her clipboard on her right hand) Some of you have been pestering me about, "Why two princesses?" and, "Why a real pea?" So let me explain my vision.

***

In Prunella's fantasy, Francine is dressed as an Amazon princess and standing in a woodland area, looking confident.

Prunella: The princess needs to be strong and independent. (imaginary Francine pulls out her sword) A role model.

Imaginary Francine: I told you so. Hai-ya! (she rushes towards a dragon with her sword and shouts a battle cry. The dragon breathes fire at her, but she sidesteps the fire and then gets back into fighting stance)

Prunella: But she also has to be family-friendly, because we're doing a matinee for the preschoolers on Friday. So in our play, you will both play the part of the princess, transforming from grim and grumpy to prim and proper.

Muffy, in a traditional princess dress, gives the dragon a flower bouquet. It looks flattered and sniffs the flowers. Francine looks annoyed.

Francine+Muffy: (in reality) What?

Prunella's fantasy ends.

***

Francine: (angrily) I am not grumpy.

Muffy: (angrily) And I'm hardly prim.

Binky: Uh, Prunella? Don't you think I'm a little big to be a pea? Usually I get cast as a gladiator or a troll.

Prunella: There are no small parts, only big actors, with brilliant directors to guide them to greatness.

***

In Prunella's fantasy, Binky, dressed in the pea costume, is walking along a path, holding a sword.

Prunella: You see, the princess and the pea share the same journey.

(The dragon and the two princesses are sitting at a stone table playing cards.)

Francine: (to the dragon) Go fish.

(The dragon looks at his cards, then throws them down on the table and angrily breathes fire into the air.)

Muffy: (screams)

Francine+Binky: (gasp)

(thunder claps. The dragon continues breathing fire, but suddenly stops and hisses when it runs out of fire. Francine and Binky raise their swords, preparing to attack the dragon. The dragon runs off.)

Prunella: After vanquishing their common foe, they seek shelter from the elements, arriving at the castle one dark and stormy night, lost and alone. Tiny and insignificant, wet and weary.

(Binky bursts through a canvas wall, painted to look like bricks. In the room is a high four-poster bed with several matrasses piled on top of each other.)

Binky: Time for some shut-eye. (he jumps under the mattresses on the bed in the room and starts snoring)

Francine and Muffy try to climb to the top of the mattresses twice, but slide down both times.

Francine: What kind of... bed is this?

Prunella's fantasy ends.

***

Prunella: The pea is the princess. The princess is the pea. In fact, that's what we should call this: The Princess and the Pea... and the Princess.

Prunella writes on her clipboard. Francine turns to Muffy.

Francine: Is anybody gonna understand this?

Prunella: Oh. I wrote some new pages for you, Binky. A dramatic monologue for your entrance. (tentatively) And your exit. And the middle part. Muffy and Francine, I had to cut some of your scenes to make room. Here are your new scripts. (She takes away their scripts and gives them one page each.)

Muffy: That's all? But we're the stars.

Francine: This is an outrage!

Prunella: Perfect. Use that emotion.

Arthur and Buster stand at the back of the stage, both wearing horse's rear end costume pieces.

Arthur: Um... Buster? Which one of us is the head?

Buster: Hmm.

Binky recites his lines.

Binky: Oh, woe is me, a tiny pea, tossed and turned in this terrible tornado.

Francine comes up.

Francine: Lucky for me, I came upon this cozy castle. I will just lie down on that pile of old mattresses...

Prunella: Cut! (she looks at her clipboard) I think I'll give those lines to Binky. (she writes in her clipboard)

Francine: The princess is the star, not some crummy pea.

Arthur and Buster, who are wearing the horse costume with a rear end on both ends, bump into Francine and knock her off-balance.

Francine: (yelps and falls on her behind) Oof!

Arthur: Uh, is there supposed to be a head for this?

Buster: No, no, no, the other way!

Arthur: Reverse!

They run into a wall and the two rear ends come apart.

Arthur+Buster: (scream)

Prunella: Heh. We are so using that!

***

Francine and Muffy are walking down the sidewalk.

Francine: If I was the director of this play, I'd so fire Prunella and hire me instead. Somebody better fix this play. Fast.

***

Binky, Francine, Muffy, George, Arthur, and Buster are all in costume and on stage, surrounding Prunella.

Prunella: Today we've got lights... (A spotlight goes on, causing Prunella to shield her eyes.) And sets... (Molly and Rattles bring a castle and a bush on stage. Alex is painting the backdrop.) And sound... (horse whinny sound effect plays) So give it your all.

***

Binky is standing on a balcony set piece. On the floor of the stage are the bed, George in a prince costume, and Arthur and Buster in their horse costume.

Binky: Woe is me, a wee little pea, tossed and turned in this terrible tornado.

George: Hark! Do I heareth a princess?

Francine swings onto the stage on a rope.

Francine: (yells) (to Binky) Avast, you vegetable! It is I, the Pirate Princess of Pizzaville. Prepare to be pureed!

Prunella: Whoa! What's with the rope? And where did you get those lines?

Francine: I wrote them-- and look! If I get a running start, I can swing all the way over to Binky. Wouldn't that be cool?

Francine swings on the rope again, but crashes into the balcony set piece, causing it to topple over and Binky to fall onto the bed below.

Francine: (swinging on the rope) (shouts) (groans)

Binky: (falling off of the balcony) (moans)

Due to Binky falling on it, the bed starts to move forward.

Buster: Let's get out of here!

Arthur and Buster trip in their headless horse costume, knocking into a bush prop and causing it to fall over, triggering a chain reaction that makes two tree props fall over as well. Groaning is heard.

Prunella: No... oh, no!

***

Arthur, Buster, George, Francine, Muffy and Binky walk out of the theater. Prunella is at the door waving them goodbye.

Prunella: Go home and get some rest. (shakily) Don't worry about the sets. We'll stay up all night and fix them. (looks worried) That was terrible. I can't do this.

She sits down and covers her eyes. Binky comes back.

Binky: Well, you know what they say.

Prunella: What?

Binky: No idea.

Prunella: The show must go on. That's what they say. You're a genius, Binky. I can't give up now.

She runs inside the theater. The camera then focuses on Binky, who looks puzzled.

***

A row of preschoolers is exiting the school bus and filing into the theater.

Francine: Heads up! Actor coming through. (gasps)

Francine sees the poster which shows Binky on top of the words ‘The Pea’. She rips it off the wall.

***

Inside the theater, Prunella and the actors stand on stage behind the closed curtain.

Prunella: Good luck, everybody. Break a leg!

Binky: Huh?

Francine bursts through the backstage door, the poster in hand.

Francine: Prunella! Since when is this play called The Pea?

She holds up the poster. The audience of preschoolers murmurs as Francine and Prunella can be heard struggling behind the curtains.

D.W.: Hmm.

Prunella: (from behind the curtains) Ow, my ankle!

D.W.: (gasps)

The preschoolers murmur. Backstage, George drags Prunella helps Prunella out of the door..

Muffy: The handsome prince just left with the director. I guess we have to cancel.

Francine: No way. We can do this. Arthur, you take over for George.

Arthur: But I don't know his lines.

Buster: And I'm only half a horse.

Francine: Binky, you be the other half. We'll cut the talking pea and use this instead.

Francine picks up a tennis ball.

Binky: You're replacing me with a tennis ball? That is not Prunella's vision.

Francine: Prunella's vision stinks.

Binky+Muffy: (gasps)

Francine: Now get in that horse or I'll find someone who can.

Binky: Oh, yeah? I quit!

Francine: Oh, yeah? You're fired!

Muffy: I'm with you, Francine. Who needs a pea?

Francine: Good. Then get in the horse.

Muffy: (gasps)

Francine: Hurry!

Muffy: (scoffs)

***

The curtains open to reveal Arthur dressed in a prince costume. Flute music is playing in the background, and coughing is heard from the audience. The flute music then stops.

Arthur: Um...

Buster, wearing one half of the horse costume, runs up on stage and next to Arthur.

Buster: (whispering to Arthur) Oh, wheresoever shall I find a real princess?

Arthur: (stiltedly) Oh, wheresoever shall I... find a real princess?

***

Prunella, using crutches, enters the auditorium.

Francine: (from up on stage) It is I, Princess Francine of Frazzlemar. A real princess from a faraway land. Who dares question my princessly pedigree?

The visor of the helmet Francine is wearing comes down.

Francine: (muffled) Hey, I need some help over here.

***

Muffy is performing in the horse costume, which now has a head instead of two rear ends.

Muffy: (muffled) Alrighty, prince. (whinnies) Here is that pea you requested.

Muffy sticks her hand out through the horse costume's mouth while holding the "pea" (tennis ball). She then throws it at Arthur.

Arthur: (grunts)

***

The preschoolers are filing out of the auditorium with bored looks on their faces as Buster, Arthur, Muffy, and Francine watch.

D.W.: Dopiest play I ever saw.

Prunella: (to Francine) You ruined it. You changed everything.

Francine: Only the parts I didn't like.

Prunella: It isn't your play!

Francine: Prunella... I'm sorry. My way stunk way more than your way. I'll quit trying to change things. I promise.

Francine and Prunella shake hands.

***

At night, people are coming to the theater.

Prunella: (to the actors) Thank you all for your hard work. I know you had a rough matinee, but just think how much easier it will be to play your original parts. ...Where's Binky?

Muffy: I haven't seen him since Francine fired him this morning.

Prunella: What?

Prunella gasps and faints, but George catches her.

Francine: Don't worry, I'm on it.

***

At his house, Binky, still wearing the pea costume, is watching TV and eating popcorn.

Francine: (pounding on the door of Binky's House) Binky!

Binky opens the door. Francine is outside in her costume plus a bicycle helmet. She is dripping wet.

Francine: We need you-- you're on in five.

Binky: (gasps)

Binky runs after Francine, who is riding her bicycle.

Meanwhile at the theater, George is on stage.

George: Oh, wheresoever shall I find a real princess?

Meanwhile, Binky is till running towards the theater.

Binky: (panting)

He bumps into a trash can, but continues running afterwards.

Binky: (grunts)

At the theater.

George: If only I had a tiny pea...

Binky busts through the door to the theater, startling George.

Binky: Here I am! Ah, can you believe this rain? It is storming out there.

(audience laughter)

Binky: Hang on while I wring this out. (He squeezes water out of his costume.) Don't worry, prince, I'll be ready in a sec. (He wrings his cap and twirls it round his finger.)

(audience laughter)

Prunella: (sniffs) Brilliant.

***

Outside the theater, the audience members are leaving. They are heard talking in the background. The actors and a few audience members who are asking for are standing at the top of the stairs leading to the inside of the theater.

Binky: I'm just the star. And, okay, a pretty good improv-ererer. And a great pea. But the real genius is her.

He points to Prunella. The camera zooms in on her face. ***