The Lousy Week/Transcript

Introduction

A group of lice with combat helmets march through somebody’s hair.

Lice: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Louse General: Ah, finally, the summit!

Louse Sergeant: (pants) It's beautiful, sir! (gasps) Is that a comb?!

He points at a hairclip.

Louse General: No, son, that's just a hair clip. Well, no time for sightseeing! All right, you lousy bunch of bugs! I wanna see a nit on every single hair in a ten-inch radius! Now!!

Lice: Hup, hup, hup...

The lice march up to the hairs and open bags with eggs.

Louse General: Hmm! Uh-hm. Yes...good job.

Louse Sergeant: Er, General, you've never actually seen a comb, have you?

Louse General: Yes, I've seen a comb, son. In fact, it took off my fifth leg. But I lived, and I'll keep on living until we've conquered every head in this entire city! We are lice, son, and nothing can ever get rid of us! Nothing!! (wicked laugh)

The camera zooms back and shows Muffy scratching her head.

Muffy: Ughhh!

Title Card: Arthur in shower

In art class, Mr. Haney sits on a chair wearing a toga and reading a book while the third-graders paint him. Muffy scratches her head. Sue Ellen walks up to her.

Sue Ellen: Nice hair!

Muffy: Thanks.

Sue Ellen: Not his, yours! I love those purple highlights!

Muffy has got purple paint stains on her fingers and now in her hair. She looks in a mirror.

Muffy: (gasps)

***

The kids are playing in music class. Muffy is playing the kettle drums. Miss Krasny notices that she is scratching her head with the drum sticks.

Muffy: Sorry!

She resumes playing.

***

The kids play hockey in the school gymnasium. Francine is cornered.

Muffy: Francine, I'm open, I'm open!

Francine passes, but Muffy drops the hockey stick to scratch her head, so Sue Ellen gets the puck. She shoots and Buster fails to safe.

Buster: Oh!

Francine: You said you were open! You could have scored that goal!

Muffy: I'm sorry, Francine. It's this darn itchy head. It's been bothering me all day.

Francine: You should go to the nurse. It might be head lice. My sister had it and it started out with an itchy head.

Muffy: I couldn't have head lice! That's something that dirty people get.

Francine: That's not true. Look at Buster. He's never had head lice.

Buster sits on the bench eating chocolate. He licks some chocolate off his ear.

***

Muffy sits in the nurse's office while the nurse examines her hair..

Muffy: You see, Suzette, my nanny, washes my hair every day. So it's really impossible I that would have...

A single louse sits on the nurse’s spatula.

Louse: (angry rant)

Muffy: That was in my hair?!

Miss Flynn: I'm afraid so.

Muffy: (gasps) Help! I'm covered in bugs!

Miss Flynn: Actually, head lice only live on the head.

Muffy: What if the other kids find out?! I'll be treated like a leopard! I'll be ostragized!

She imagines a wooden shack in the middle of a desert. Arthur comes riding on a camel.

Arthur: Muffy! I have your math homework!

Muffy steps out of the shack. Her hair is dirty and filled with buzzing insects. Arthur opens a bird cage and a trained raven flies a math book over to Muffy.

Arthur: (gasps)

The fantasy ends.

Muffy: Oh, Miss Flynn, promise you won't tell anyone! Please, please, please!

Miss Flynn: Calm down, Muffy. If you and your parents follow my instructions, you'll be able to get rid of the lice.

***

Francine is waiting outside the nurse’s office when Muffy comes out.

Francine: Hi.

Muffy: (gasps) Francine, what are you doing here?!

Francine: I wanted to see what the nurse said? So, do you have head lice?

Muffy: Me? Head lice? I don't have head lice. The nurse said that I was just... thinking too hard.

She scratches her head.

Muffy: Er... why are we here? What's the meaning of life? Which came first - the chicken or the egg?

She walks away. Francine picks up Muffy’s hat.

Francine: Hey, Muffy, you dropped your hat!

Muffy leaves without hearing her.

Francine: Ooh, so soft!

She slowly puts on the hat.

Louse General: Get ready! A new head is approaching! Head for the skull! On the double!

The lice jump from the hat into Francine’s hair.

Lice: Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

Louse General: Contact!

Francine: Mmmm!

***

Muffy sits in the Crosswires’ indoor pool while her nanny uses shampoo.

Suzette: Bend your ‘ead. We 'ave to put ze Nit Hit Lice Shampoo on.

Muffy: (sniffs) This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! Life is so unfair!

Mrs. Crosswire comes in.

Mrs. Crosswire: Muffy dear, you're overreacting. Even I had head lice when I was a child.

Suzette: Ah, yes, I remember it well.

Flashback: A younger Suzette shampoos an about eight-year-old Millicent.

Millicent: This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me! Life is so unfair!

The flashback ends.

***

Mrs. Crosswire brings Muffy to her bedroom.

Mrs. Crosswire: You'll have to stay home tomorrow and we'll have to get everything cleaned. All the sheets and towels, your clothes, even the carpet. Of course, we could use this as an opportunity to... redecorate!

Muffy: Yippeeee!

She hugs her mom.

***

The next day, all the kids sit in the auditorium. Francine sits in the front row between Sue Ellen and Fern. She is holding Muffy’s head.

Francine: Have you seen Muffy? I have her hat.

Sue Ellen: No. Maybe she's off sick today. Hey, that's really pretty!

She puts on the hat. The boy behind her takes it away and puts it on.

Cat Boy: Nice hat!

Jessica takes the hat.

Jessica: Scrumptious!

Mary holds the hat against her cheek.

Mary: Oh, it feels so expensive!

Miss Flynn, the nurse, stands at the podium, next to Mr. Haney.

Miss Flynn: Ahem! I have an important announcement. Yesterday, a case of head lice was reported at school. For the next week, you will all have your hair checked by me every morning.

Francine: (gasps) I knew it! Muffy did have head lice!

She scratches her head.

Miss Flynn: Also, it's very important that you do not wear anybody else's coats, scarves or hats. We want to try and keep the head lice from spreading.

George is holding Muffy’s hat.

***

Lice are marching in formation. The sergeant checks dates on a calendar attached to a hair while the general surveys the scalp though binoculars.

Lice: Hup, hup, hup...

Louse Sergeant: It's been four days since we landed, sir. We now have bugs on ten heads!

Louse General: Excellent! Soon the entire school will be at our feet!

Louse Sergeant: (sniffs) What's that smell, sir?

Louse General: Hair gel, son. Isn't it wonderful? Ahh, I love the smell of hair gel in the morning! It smells like a...

A spatula lifts up the sergeant.

Louse Sergeant: Ahhhh! General, what's happening?! Help! Help! Help! Help!

Miss Flynn has lifted the sergeant off Mr. Ratburn’s hat.

Miss Flynn: Sorry, Nigel.

Mr. Ratburn: (sighs) I knew I should've gone to business school.

***

More lice march.

Lice: Hup, hup, hup, hup...

In the Read house, Mr. Read gets a jar of mayonnaise out of the refrigerator. Arthur sits at the kitchen table in his pajamas.

Mr. Read: This'll do the trick.

Arthur: Mayonnaise?? You're gonna put mayonnaise on my head?!

Mr. Read: Sure. It's what your grandma used on me when I was a kid.

He starts putting mayonnaise on Arthur’s head.

D.W.: Ha ha! Ha ha! Mayo head! Mayo head!

Arthur: Cut it out!

D.W.: Daddy, now put cheese and tomatoes on Arthur's head!

Arthur: That's right. Laugh it up, D.W. You won't find it so funny in a minute.

D.W.: (laughs)

Arthur: You're next!

D.W.: Me?? Why me? I don't have head mice.

Mr. Read: They're called head lice, honey, and we all might have them.

D.W. scratches her head.

***

Mrs. Read puts D.W.’s toy animals in a bag. Both she and D.W. are wearing shower caps.

Mrs. Read: I'm sorry, D.W., but there may be lice in their fur. It'll only be for a few weeks.

D.W.: Weeks? Wait!

She puts a straw in the tied-up bag.

D.W.: There. So the animals can breathe.

Mrs. Read brings out the bag.

D.W.: Goodbye, Poopoos. Goodbye, MooMoo. Goodbye, Tookey. I'll never forget any of you!

Meanwhile, Arthur reads on his bed. Pal starts licking his head.

Arthur: Cut it out, boy! Dad, Pal's trying to eat my head!

Mr. Read sits on his bed, also with a shower cap.

Mr. Read: (sighs) I can't wait for this to be over!

He lies down and a squelching sound comes from his shower cap.

***

More lice march.

Lice: Hup, hup, hup, hup...

Binky watches a wrestling match on TV while his mom combs his hat.

Wrestler (on TV): (roars)

Binky: So, let me get this straight. I get to watch TV for hours and hours instead of doing homework?

Mrs. Barnes: That's right. You've got a ton of nits and they're very hard to get out.

Binky: This is so cool! I love lice!

***

A line of kids stands outside the nurse’s office. Muffy runs out.

Muffy: I'm clean! I'm clean!

She runs into Francine and knocks her down.

Francine: Oof!

Muffy: Oops! Sorry, Francine.

Francine: You should be!

Muffy: It was just an accident! I didn't mean to knock you down.

Francine: Not for that! For giving me lice! I can't get rid of them! We’ve tried everything!

Muffy: Well, you must be doing something wrong.

Francine: Yeah, talking to you! You're the one who started this whole thing! You probably have a million lice by now!

She walks away.

Muffy: For your information, Miss Frensky, I am nit-free – so ha!

***

Muffy supervises a worker who paints stars on her bedroom ceiling. Meanwhile, her nanny checks her hair.

Muffy: You're doing it all wrong! I wanted the Big Dipper above my bed!

Worker: (sighs)

Suzette: (gasps) Un pou! [French: a louse]

Muffy: Gesundheit! [German: bless you]

Suzette: Non, ma fille, ze lice. Zey are back!

She holds a louse between her fingers.

Muffy: But... but... that's impossible!

***

Binky is watching TV again while his mom combs his hair.

Man (on TV): Did you know that this cigar box you were going to throw out is actually worth 37 dollars.

Woman (on TV): 37 dollars. Oh, well, bless my toes!

Binky: I can't take it anymore! Five straight nights of mindless television! Can I go to bed, please, Mom?

Mrs. Barnes: Not yet, honey.

Binky: Oh...

***

Arthur is on the phone in the Reads’ kitchen while his dad pours olive oil on his head.

Arthur: Now we're using olive oil. It seems to work and Pal doesn't like to eat it.

Buster is eating pizza while talking on the phone. He is very dirty.

Buster: Well, I hope it works. I wonder why I haven't gotten head lice. Everybody else seems to have them.

Two lice with gas masks walk through Buster’s very dirty ear.

Louse General: This place is disgusting!

The other louse gets his feet stuck in something red.

Louse Soldier: Ugh! Let's go back to the teacher's head!

***

Francine, Muffy and Brain sit in the Sugar Bowl.

Francine: I didn't give you lice! You gave me lice!

Muffy: Yeah, but you gave them back to me!

Francine: Prove it!

Muffy: Prove you didn't!

Brain: Hey, calm down, you guys. I've been doing some research on head lice and all the articles say it's impossible to tell who gave it to whom. So stop blaming each other.

Brain: But I did read that lice can be harder to get rid of if you have long hair.

The girls touch their hair and exchange uncomfortable looks.

***

Some time later, Muffy and Francine come out of a barbers’ shop with short hair.

Muffy: They said we were going to look like models.

They look at their reflections in the shop window.

Francine: We do. Boy models! Hm! We might be able to do some pretty fun things with this haircut!

They run off.

***

Binky checks his hair in the mirror in the boys’ room. Francine and Muffy stand next to him.

Francine: Hey, any nits?

Binky: Nope. I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to be back in school!

Muffy: You said it!

Binky: Hey, you can't... You're in the... Ahhhhhhhh!

He runs out.

Francine+Muffy: (laugh)

***

The louse general sits alone on a hill next to a flag. He writes in a diary while the wind blows around him.

Louse General: Two weeks since our forces landed and now I'm the last louse alive. The school has defeated us.

He uses his binoculars and sees Buster.

Louse General: The bunny! If I can just get to his head, I can hatch a new army! I will survive!

The camera zooms back and the general is revealed to be sitting on George’s antler.

Buster: Hey, George. Gonna get your head checked?

As George walks into the nurse’s office, Buster’s ear brushes against his antlers and sweeps off the general.

Louse General: Ahhhhhhhh!

Several kids pass in front of the nurse’s office.

Louse General: Help me! Help me...

A splat is heard.