The Hallway Minotaur/Transcript

Arthur, Buster, Francine and George ride the seesaws in the school playground.

Arthur: Did you hear about Mr. Haney? While we were on break, he moved. Without even saying goodbye.

Ladonna: I heard, that's because after being a principal for so long, he took a vow of silence.

She imagines Mr. Haney meditating in a buddhist temple in the mountains. His cellphone rings, causing another monk to give him a reproachful look.

Monk: Shh!

The fantasy ends.

Buster: I heard Mr. Haney couldn't say goodbye because his new home is in space.

He images two Russian cosmonauts in a space station. One is on the phone.

Cosmonaut: It's for cosmonaut Haney.  

He knocks on the window. Mr. Haney is working outside.

The fantasy ends.

George: Well, I heard Mr. Haney couldn't say goodbye because he got in trouble.

He imagines a police lineup in which Maryann and a policewoman look at Mr. Haney and two other men with glasses, neckties and books.

Maryann: That's the principal who took my lollipop, officer!

The fantasy ends. The kids walk back to the building.

George: George, how come you always think someone's gonna get in trouble?

Arthur and George walk to George’s locker.

George: Cause I’ve spent all my time trying to keep out of trouble. I never wanna hear the words...

Miss Tingley (on P.A.): George Lundgren to the principal's office immediately.    

George and Arthur look shocked.

~~~

Title Card: Brain slowly walks past George

~~~

George sits in the principal’s office. Miss Tingley sits at the principal’s desk.

George: Miss Tingley, I swear, I had nothing to do with Mr. Haney's disappearance.

Miss Tingley: Oh, I know, George. Mr. Haney left to fulfill his dream of helping to build a school in Tanzania. George, you're here because you're the only student in Lakewood who has never gotten in trouble. I think, you and I care about something Mr. Haney never understood.     

She stands up and looks out of the window.

George: Ventriloquism?

Miss Tingley: The rules, George. The rules! You know what I see out there, George? 58 school rules being broken.      

Several kids and a soccer ball pass by outside the open office door.   

Miss Tingley: That's why, as Lakewood's new temporary, I'm appointing you hallway monitor.

George: Me? 

She puts a cap saying “HM” on George’s head.

Miss Tingley: No running, no littering, no being in the halls after the bell rings without a pass. I'm counting on you, George.

She pushes him out into the hallway.

George: But... no one listens to me.

~~~

George stands in the middle of a hallway. Some kids run, but no one pays any attention to him.

George: Hey, excuse me!     

A crumpled piece of paper hits him.    

George: (sighs)   You can't do that.

Buster: Okay, Arthur. Last one to music class is a rotten liverwurst sandwich.    

They race, but George stops them.    

Buster: Nice hat, George.

Arthur: Could this wait? We’re in the middle of running in the halls.

George: That's just it. You can't run in the halls. I'm the new hallway monitor.   

He points to his cap.

Arthur+Buster: (laugh)

Buster: Good one, George. See you later. (laughs)    

He and Arthur run off.

Arthur: Guys! Shoot!    

Binky walks by and throws his candy wrapper on the floor.

George: (gulps)   Binky. Could you pick that up off the floor?   

Binky turns around menacingly.   

George: Please?

Binky: What did you just say to me? 

He walks up to George who closes his eyes.

~~~

Shortly afterwards the bell rings. After the hallway has emptied, George comes out of his locker where he was hiding. He rubs his back and holds Binky’s wrapper. Nearby, a girl is at her locker.

George: Maybe I should start smaller. Little girl, the bell rang. Where's your hall pass?

Girl: What did you just say to me?!

George: Oh, not again.    

The girl advances on him and he crawls back into his locker.

~~~

That evening, George and Wally look at a picture of a minotaur in a book.

Wally: See, you're supposed to have the head of a bull and guard a big maze.

George: That's a minotaur, Wally, from Greek mythology. I'm a hallway monitor. I gotta guard a hall from a bunch of elementary school kids.

Wally: That's even worse.

George: Yeah. And if I don't get them to listen to me soon, I bet I'll get in trouble with Miss Tingley.

Wally: Boy, those sound like pretty bad consequences.

George: Consequences! That's just what I need! Wally, for a dummy you are a genius.

Wally: Ah, thanks, pal. You put the words right in my mouth.

~~~

The next day, George is monitoring the hallway again.

Arthur: Last one to the gym is stale school lasagna. Ready... set...

George: No!

Arthur: George, you already played this gag on us yesterday.

Buster: Yeah, that cap is old hat.

George: It's no gag. If you two run in this hallway, you'll suffer... the consequences.

Buster: Consequences? What consequences?

George: I'll give you both a point.   

Pause.

Arthur+Buster: (laugh)

Arthur: A point?

Buster: Oh, I'm shaking in my sneakers. Come on, Arthur!    

They start racing. George holds up two pieces of paper, each saying “1 Point”.

George: One point each for Arthur and Buster for running in the halls!   

Buster takes the points.

Buster: What just happened?   

He and Arthur shrug and want to race again.

George: Another point each for running in the halls!

Buster: (nervous laugh)   Arthur, we have two points.

George: Three points and you get a demerit.

Arthur: A demerit?

Buster: That sounds... bad.

George: After three demerits, you go on... my list.    

He takes out a notebook. Buster starts shaking.

Arthur: George, please don't put me on your list.

Buster: Yeah, I'm too young to be on the list.

They slowly walk on.

Arthur: (quietly)  We’re not running.

Buster: (quietly)  I'm crawling.

George: I did it!   I mean, look out, Lakewood. There's a new monitor in town.    

Sue Ellen and Prunella run by.

Sue Ellen+Prunella: (laugh)    

George hands them points.

Sue Ellen: (gaspin') Oh.

~~~

Binky eats a banana and throws the peel on top of the trashcan lid.

George: A-hem!    

George hands Binky a point. Binky tears it into little pieces and drops them on the floor. George writes Binky’s name in his notebook. Binky takes the notebook, rips it apart and drops the pages on the floor. Then he looks scared…

Binky: (Gaspin')   

…because George takes a new notebook out of his cap and writes Binky’s name in it.

Binky throws he torn-up point and the banana peel into the trash. When the bell rings, he hurries to class. The hallways are now empty, except for the girl who threatened George earlier. She sees George’s cap behind the water fountain and smiles mischievously. Suddenly, George appears behind her and she looks sheepish. She gets a point and George take his cap back from Wally who was acting as a decoy.

Miss Tingley: George Lundgren to the principal's office immediately.

George grabs Wally and his notebook and hurries off.

~~~

Miss Tingley stands at the window holding a self-bound book.

Miss Tingley: You've been doing well, George.

George: Yeah. I even got Binky to pick up his wrapper.

Miss Tingley: That's why I think you're ready for the Complete Student Rule Book.

George: There's a Complete Student Rule Book?      

Miss Tingley: I wrote it myself over a holiday weekend. Mr. Haney said it was too intense, but I think you're up to it. What do you say?

George: I made Binky Barnes pick up his trash. I can do anything!     

He takes the book.

~~~

Ladonna joins George, Arthur and Buster at a cafeteria table. Brain sits at the next table. George is reading the rule book.

Ladonna: I finally got an email back from Mr. Haney. It turns out the village he's in has bad reception, but he'll be in the city tomorrow.

Brain: I can tell a conference so he can say goodbye to the whole school.   

George hands him a point.   

Brain: What's this for?

George: Speaking too loudly in the cafeteria. It's rule number 47.   

He hands a point to Buster.    

George: And you've broken rule 17: No taking more than one fruit per lunch.

Buster: I traded my pudding to Ladonna.

George: Rule 18: No trading. One point to each of you.

Buster: (with mouth full)  What?

Ladonna: No way!

George: Rule 23: You shall not spit food. Two more points.

Buster: I didn't mean to!

George: You did it again. Demerit!

Buster covers his mouth

Arthur: George, I think you're getting a little carried away.

George: Actually, you are getting carried away, Arthur. You went into the kitchen through the “out” door. Rule 33.

Arthur: I went back because I forgot my change. And I let you cut in line.

Brain: George, this isn't your jurisdiction. We’re not even in the hallway.

George: There are no boundaries for justice!

Brain: But...

George: Uh-uh. No talking back to the hall monitor. Now you've made my list, Brain.

Arthur: Outrageous!

George: Point.

Buster: You can't do this!

George: Point.

Ladonna: You're out of control!     

George: Demerit. Demerit!  

The kids take their trays and leave George alone. The bell rings.

Wally: One point for George for losing all his friends.

~~~

That night, George and Wally lie in bed.

In his dream, he sees an ancient Greek City with a labyrinth next to it. An unseen creature runs through the labyrinth, accompanied by ominous snorting. Around a corner, Ladonna and Muffy admire themselves in a mirror.

Ladonna+Muffy: (laugh)

George: Hey!

Ladonna+Muffy: Aah! 

They run away. George picks up the mirror and sees himself as a minotaur, still wearing the hall monitor cap.

George: What have I become?  (snorts)

The dream ends.

George: (snorts and gasps)

~~~

Miss Tingley makes an announcement over the P.A. system.

Miss Tingley: Lakewood, you've all been so well-behaved, we have a surprise: a televised goodbye from Mr. Haney in Africa. Please proceed to the auditorium in an orderly fashion.

The kids march through the hallways in a single file. They look glum and no one talks. George is on patrol and looks guilty.

George: Hey, guys, sorry if I went a little over...   

He waves at Binky, who looks scared.

Binky: I didn't litter, I swear. 

He walks on. Brain comes out of the auditorium.    

George: Hi, Brain. Are you afraid of me too?   

Brain walks every slowly down the hallway.

Brain: No, because I'm walking very slowly and everyone's going to suffer because of it.

George: Why?

Brain: Because if I don't get the HDMI cable for the TV in the next two minutes, we'll all miss Mr. Haney's call.

George: But the computer room is all the way on the other side of the school. Shouldn't you move more quickly?

Brain: No way am I getting another demerit.

George: Come on, Brain. Hurry!

Brain: Uh-uh. I’ve got college applications to think about.

George: That's it. This has gotta stop.

George starts running, past Brain and past Miss Tingley’s office.

Miss Tingley: (gaspin') Did I just see a student running?

George gets the cable from the computer room and runs back. He and Miss Tingley meet in a hallway that is just being cleaned by Mr. Morris.

Miss Tingley: (gaspin')  George?   

George runs away. She wants to follow and almost slips on the wet floor.  

Miss Tingley: (Gaspin')

Brain is checking his watch when George returns with the cable. Brain returns to the auditorium just as Miss Tingley grabs George’s shoulder.

Miss Tingley: Gotcha!

~~~

Shortly afterwards, cheering and laughter is heard inside the auditorium while Miss Tingley faces George.

George: I'm sorry, Miss Tingley, but I wanted to make sure everyone got to say goodbye to Mr. Haney.

Miss Tingley: Yes, well, that's nice, but the rules are still the rules and... and...   

She listens to the laughing inside.  

Miss Tingley: (sighs)   Listen, why don't we go say goodbye to Mr. Haney and talk about this later.

~~~

After the conference, Brain, Buster, Arthur, George and Miss Tingley stand on the stage.

Arthur: To think Mr. Haney is helping build a school in Africa.

Brain: If it wasn't for George, none of us would have been able to see it.

Miss Tingley: Yes, thank you, George.

~~~

Miss Tingley and George leave the auditorium.

Miss Tingley: I especially liked when Mr. Haney said he was glad he didn't get so caught up in enforcing rules that he missed out on what was important in life.

George: Does that mean I'm not in trouble anymore?

Miss Tingley: I suppose. Why don't we... er... do away with the position of hallway monitor and maybe I'll... I'll even retire my old rulebook.   

She walks away followed by George, who throws his cap behind him.

George: Who cares if a few rules get broken now and then? Not us.

George runs back and picks the cap off the floor.