The Cave/Transcript

Mr. Ratburn addresses the class.

Mr. Ratburn: Today's question to consider - is there any credence to the expression "blind as a bat"? Arthur?

Arthur: Er... no?

Mr. Ratburn: Correct.

Brain: In fact, there has never been a recorded case of a bat that cannot see. Most species have exceptional night vision.

Mr. Ratburn: Thank you, Alan. As we continue with our cave study, we will learn more about bats and other creatures who live there. Now, a reminder. Your cave replicas are due tomorrow.

Buster: Augh!

Mr. Ratburn: Also, I have a special announcement. At the end of the week we'll be going on a field trip to Palisades Park to explore the Clark Caves.

Class: (Yeah! All right! All right!)

Brain: I've only read about spelunking. I’ve never actually been.

Binky: Hey, I want to go lunking, too! It sounds better than exploring some lame cave.

Sue Ellen: (chuckles)

Mr. Ratburn: Spelunking means cave exploration. It should be an intriguing and educational experience.

Muffy: Euch! It sounds disgusting.

Mr. Ratburn: Now, Muffy...

Arthur: It could be a little creepy. The bats...

Francine: (laughs) Arthur, are you afraid of some little flying rodents?

Class: (laugh)

Arthur: No.

Mr. Ratburn: Okay, okay, settle down. The more we study caves, the less frightening they will seem. It would be a good idea to do some additional reading for tonight. From your textbooks, pages 156 to 175.

Class: Aw!

The bell rings.

Mr. Ratburn: Remember, class, I want to see your best work on the cave replicas.

The Read family have dinner.

Mrs. Read: Ooh, a cave? It sounds a little creepy.

Arthur: That's what I said in class, but...

D.W.: Creepy? It's just a hole in a hill. What are you, Arthur? A scaredy-cat?

Mr. Read: Well, there are those bats.

Mrs. Read: I don't like bats.

Arthur: And dripping stalactites.

D.W.: And big, hairy spiders.

Arthur: It could be scary.

D.W.: Arthur's scared of caves! Arthur's scared of caves! Scaredy-cat! Scaredy-cat! You're a scaredy-cat!

Mr. Read: Enough, D.W.! I remember when I was a kid, I was really scared of going down to my grandparents' cellar.

Flashback: A young David walks down into the basement with a flashlight.

Mr. Read (narrator): Now, that was really creepy.

A mouse runs past David.

Mr. Read (narrator): I had this trick, though. When I had to go down there by myself, I'd whistle a familiar and comforting tune.

David whistles, grabs a jar of preserves and runs up the stairs.

Mr. Read (narrator): It worked every time.

The flashback ends.

Mrs. Read: You never told me about that.

Mr. Read: Well, now I've nothing to fear. D.W. is protecting me.

D.W. smiles smugly while Arthur looks disgusted.

Arthur: May I be excused? I have tons of homework.

D.W.: Aren't you scared to walk up those spooky stairs all alone, Arthur?

That evening, Arthur walks up the stairs. He hears screams from D.W.’s room.

D.W.: Help! Help, Arthur!

Arthur: (sighs)

D.W.: Help! Help, Arthur! Help! Help!

Arthur walks into D.W.’s unlit room and opens the closet. D.W. jumps at him with plastic vampire fangs.

D.W.: Arrrrrr!! Scared?

Arthur: Er... no.

D.W.: Whoooo!

She walks around him.

Arthur: Let me guess. You're supposed to be a bat, right?

D.W.: Oh, stop faking it! You're scared out of your underwear from all this caves and bats stuff. Whooooo!

Arthur: Good night, D.W. Nice try.

He leaves the room.

The next day, the kids all show off their cave dioramas in class.

Francine: Did widdle Arthur have some scawy nightmares last night?

Arthur: No, I'm Fine, Francine!

Mr. Ratburn: Class, let's take a look at the cave replicas.

He looks at Arthur’s diorama.

Mr. Ratburn: Mmm. Nice bats.

Mr. Ratburnlooks at Muffy’s diorama which includes an armchair and a jacuzzi.

Mr. Ratburn: Oh, very realistic moss, Muffy. Though the Jacuzzi in the corner may be a bit much.

Muffy: (gasps)

Mr. Ratburn samples the side of Buster’s diorama.

Mr. Ratburn: Mmm. Ingenious use of cheese spread.

Mr. Ratburn looks at Binky’s diorama which includes two chickens.

Mr. Ratburn: Very nice, but I don't think there are usually chickens in caves.

Binky: Aw.

Mr. Ratburn looks at Brain’s diorama.

Mr. Ratburn: Hmm. Very impressive.

Brain: To properly view my cave, we need to pull the blinds and turn off all the lights.

Mr. Ratburn: Are you sure we need all of the lights off?

Binky pulls down the blinds.

Brain: Definitely. To get the full impact of the glow-in-the-dark stalactites and stalagmites requires total darkness.

The kids gather around Brain and Buster turns off the light. Brain turns a switch and model bats fly inside his diorama bathed in a green light.

Class: (Oh! Wow!)

Brain: Cave formations consist of calcium carbonate deposits. Stalagmites rise up from the cave's floor. I designed these fruit bats from pictures my dad took in the Carlsbad Caverns.

Muffy: Disgusting! Don't bats give you rabies?

Brain: Not true.

Mr. Ratburn: Most bats are harmless. They don't bother people. Okay, so let's get those lights back on.

Francine: Arthur... Don't worry, baby.

She nudges him.

Arthur: Ow!

Francine: We'll turn on the lights real soon. (laughs)

Mr. Ratburn turns on the light.

Mr. Ratburn: (relieved sigh) Francine, it's perfectly natural if the thought of going into a cave is a bit frightening to some people.

Later, the kids and Mr. Ratburn stand in front of the Clark Caves visitor’s center. They have formed two groups, each with a guide, and are wearing safety helmets with lamps.

Guide: We're about to go into a beautiful and very old cave. In fact, we think this cave started forming over ten million years ago. The cave is long, over five miles, and its deepest level is almost 15 hundred feet down. Now remember, we are just visitors in this cave. The bats and fungi live there. Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints. Okay. Group A, come with Letter B.

Buster: Creeped out yet?

Arthur: No Buster, I'm fine.

Further in are some more bats. Francine looks uncomfortable.

The group turns around a corner.

Guide: Now we're gonna walk single-file through a narrow tunnel. Use your lights. Put your hand on the shoulder of the person in front of you. You're all safe, there's nothing to worry about. At the end of the tunnel we can look down into an area we call Bat Basement.

Muffy: Augh! Look at all those bats!

Francine+Mr. Ratburn: (gasp) Oh, no, no, no! (scream)

Guide: Please, no screaming. You'll wake the bats. Please, kids.

The kids look at Francine and Mr. Ratburn, who are the only ones panicking. The bats wake up and fly past the group. Binky takes a picture of Francine and Mr. Ratburn.

Guide: Please, calm down. Take some deep breaths and then let's hold on to each other's shoulders and follow me out of the cave.

The group goes back through the tunnel. Mr. Ratburn and Francine are last.

Francine: Can't we walk any faster?

Mr. Ratburn: It's so dark. And there were all these bats. There must have been hundreds of them.

Brain: Bats are harmless, Mr. Ratburn. They don't want anything to do with humans.

Francine: But don't vampire ones suck animals' blood?

Brain: Well, er, yes. But these aren't vampire bats.

Francine: Maybe one of them is. How do you know for sure?

Guide: I know. Trust me. Keep walking. We'll be out of here unharmed in no time.

A drop of water falls of the cave roof. Arthur sees his father’s face in it.

Mr. Read: Whenever I'm afraid, I whistle a familiar and comforting tune.

Arthur: I have an idea. Maybe it would be helpful if we whistled a familiar tune.

Francine: You think?

Arthur starts whistling “Row, row, row your boat”. The others join in and they walk out towards the exit.

Shortly afterwards, they leave the cave, still whistling.

Mr. Ratburn: Pardon me and Francine for those upsetting and frankly unexpected panic attacks. Thank you for helping Francine and me out of the cave so calmly. Arthur, your whistling really helped.

Binky: You and Mr. Ratburn were so scared, Francine.

Buster: (laughs) You should have seen your face!

Muffy: You and Mr. Ratburn were a mess.

Francine: Mr. Ratburn and I wasn't that scared.

Binky: Yeah, right. Check this out!

He shows two photographs of Francine and Mr. Ratburn panicking.

Binky: Francine the Big Mouth's panicking with Mr. Ratburn.

Francine: What? Who are you calling a big mouth?

Brain: I guess you're right.

Francine: I am not a big mouth!

The others leave while she yells.

The next morning Francine gets out of bed.

Francine: (yawns) She sees her reflection in the mirrored closet door. She has a pelican’s beak. Huh? (screams)