Muffy's House Guests/Transcript

Binky jumps into the Crosswires’ pool. Sue Ellen, Francine and Brain are in the water while Muffy lies in a deckchair nearby.

Kids: (chatter, laugh)

Muffy: Oh, houseguests are fine, until you can't get them to leave. When that happens, I give a subtle hint.   Ready for a trip to the Sugar Bowl? First scoop is on me!

Kids: (chatter, laugh)

Muffy: Or a not-so-subtle hint.    

She picks up a megaphone.    

Muffy: Attention, swimmers! Bailey is standing by to escort you home.  

Bailey is waiting by the limousine in the driveway. He opens the back door.    

Muffy: Please proceed to the nearest exit.   Oh!    

She gets a beachball to the head.    

Muffy: And if that doesn't work...    

She presses a button labelled Quick Flush. The water drains from the pool.

Kids: Hey! What's going on?     

Binky: Hey! What's the big idea?

Muffy: Towels are in the pool house. Try not to drip on the rug. Bye! Oh, it's not easy being the perfect hostess, but I manage.

~~~

Title Card: Muffy closes the blinds

~~~

In a shopping street, Brain runs past Francine. She is carrying a football, he is carrying binoculars.

Brain: Oh, sorry. There she goes!  
  Francine runs after him.

Francine: There who goes?

They run down a residential street and pass Sue Ellen on her bike.

Sue Ellen: (gasps)

Brain is following a falcon that is carrying a twig.

Brain: Can you believe it?

Sue Ellen: Oh my gosh! Where's she going?     

She leaves her bike and runs after Brain. They pass the Sugar-Free Bowl.

Brain: She's gonna land any second now.

The falcon flies over the Crosswire’s wall and lands in its nest which is on the railing of the balcony right above the entrance. Brain watches through his binoculars.

Brain: The rare, endangered peregrine falcon. Home at last.     

Muffy is sitting on the steps below the nest, reading a magazine. Brain, Francine and Sue Ellen run over to her.   

Brain: You have guests, Muffy.

Muffy: Huh? I don't remember inviting you over.

Sue Ellen: Not us. Them!    

She points to the nest.

Muffy: Ahhh! What are those filthy things doing?      

She holds her magazine protectively over her head.

Sue Ellen: Nesting.

Muffy: Well, they can't nest there! That's right outside my window. Go away! Shoo! Shoo!

Brain: Pretty soon you'll have four falcons on your roof. There are two eggs in that nest.

Francine: When do you think they'll hatch?

Sue Ellen: Maybe tomorrow.

Brain: Maybe a month.

Muffy: A month? (Gasps) No way! Bailey!

She runs over to the garage where Bailey is working under the limousine with a wrench.

Bailey: Yes, Miss Muffy?

Muffy: Do you see that nest?

Bailey: Oh, yes. Peregrine falcons. Fascinating.

Muffy: Disgusting! Get rid of them.

Bailey: Erm. Miss Muffy...

Sue Ellen: They're an endangered species! You can't touch them!

Muffy: Oh, I'm not going to touch them. Bailey is!

Brain uses his cellphone.

Brain: Hello? Is this the department of Wildlife Rescue and Rehabilitation?   

He walks off.

Muffy: Put them someplace better, Bailey! Like a tree.

Sue Ellen: Hh! Falcons don't live in trees.

Muffy: What kind of ridiculous birds don't live in trees?

Sue Ellen: Chickens.

Francine: Penguins.

Sue Ellen: Flamingos.

Muffy: You're missing my point.

Bailey: Falcons migrate after they hatch, so if you're patient...

Mr. Crosswire arrives in the Derby Winner muscle car. Muffy runs up to him.

Muffy: Daddy!

Mr. Crosswire: What's the problem, Muffykins?

Muffy: See that horrible nest? We must get rid of it!

Mr. Crosswire: Sure thing. Bailey, you'll find nets in the garage.     

He walks to the entrance.

Bailey: I really don't think that's...

Francine+Sue Ellen: (argue with Muffy)

Muffy: My house, my rules!       

Brain returns with the phone.

Brain: Stop! The federal government has just confirmed, it's illegal to touch the nest of a peregrine falcon.

Muffy: Oh, we'll see about that.

~~~

That evening, Muffy reads in bed when she hears noises from outside the window. She sees the silhouettes of the adult falcons outside.

Muffy: Stop looking at me, birds!         Hm.   

She gets out of bed, pulls down the blinds and shuts the curtains.

Muffy: There, try and see through that.    

A screech is heard outside.     

Muffy: Aahh!!      

She hides under the blanket.   

Muffy: (wails)    

She crawls out of the room, hidden under the blanket.

~~~

The next morning, Francine waits for Muffy at the door. Muffy has rings under her eyes.

Francine: Morning.

Muffy: I got no sleep thanks to those noisy birds.  Hh!  

Something falls on her.    

Muffy:What just fell on my head?

Francine: Don't worry. My mom says it's good luck if a bird poops on you.

Muffy: What??!  (screams)  Get if off!

Francine: Hang on. Those are egg shells. The chicks must be hatching. Wait till Mr. Ratburn hears about this.

~~~

Later that day, kids from various classes stand in the Crosswire driveway with Mr. Ratburn, Mrs. MacGrady, Mrs. Barnes, Mr. Haney and Mr. Frensky.

Mr. Ratburn: People with binoculars, please share, so everyone can see.

Brain: Now the second chick is hatching.

Muffy: Stay on the driveway, please!     Oh, do not wipe your shoes on our grass, George! We cleaned it just this morning.    Binky, get out of there! Those tulips are imported!

A reporter from TV2 arrives with a cameraman.

Reporter: An amazing exclusive: Elwood City's first ever newly hatched falcons.

Muffy: The news is here?? This is getting ridiculous! Daddy!   

She runs to the house.

Sue Ellen: Ooh, look. They're feeding.

Mr. Ratburn: Isn't regurgitating marvelous?

~~~

Muffy knocks on her dad’s door.

Muffy: Daddy! Those awful birds are endangering our lawn. Do something!

Mr. Crosswire: Come in, sweetums.      

He opens the door, dressed in his duck costume. He is holding the duck head under his arm.      

Mr. Crosswire: Time to sell some cars.      

He waddles away.     

Mr. Crosswire: Oh...

~~~

Mr. Crosswire steps outside, now in his complete duck costume.

Mr. Crosswire: Welcome to Crosswire Motors birdstravaganza. Crosswire prices are “cheep, cheep, cheep”.

Muffy: Daddy, you said you'd make the falcons go away... today!

Mr. Crosswire: Er, no, sweetums, I said “tomorrow”.   “Cheep!”

Muffy: But you said it yesterday!

Mr. Crosswire: Muffin, yesterday was yesterday. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And today... Crosswire Motors has high-flying deals!

Muffy: It's like granddaddy Crosswire always said: If you want something done, do it yourself.

~~~

Mr. Ratburn leaves with a group of kids.

Mr. Ratburn: Falcon essays are due tomorrow!

Kids: Aww!   

Brain is still there with his binoculars.

Muffy: Just tie it to the top of the car.

Brain: Hh!      

Bailey puts a large dollhouse on the limousine roof and starts fastening it. Muffy carries a small pool. 

Muffy: What bird wouldn't love a glamorous swimming pool?

Brain: What are you doing?!

Muffy: Oh, I'm giving the falcons a brand new home.

Brain: But why on the car?

Muffy: Because, as soon as they're inside, Bailey will drive them to the park which is a much better place for birds. And before you say it, we’re not breaking the law if we don't touch the nest.

Brain: They're taking care of their babies. They're not going to leave their nest.

Muffy: Wanna bet? Watch this!     

She takes out a pink toy mouse and waves it.    

Muffy: Here, falcon, falcon! Come see your new home!

Brain: I wouldn't do that.     

A falcon dives at the mouse.      

Muffy: (screams)   

She runs away and throws the mouse in the air. The falcon catches it while Muffy falls headfirst into a tulip bed.      

Muffy: (sobs)      

The falcon brings the mouse to his nest. Brain and Bailey run to Muffy.

Bailey: Miss Muffy! Are you alright?

Muffy: (cries)

Brain: You've got mud on your knee socks. That never happens!

Muffy: Hmph!

~~~

Muffy lies on the couch holding a cool pack to her head. Brain sits on another couch. Bailey brings a tea tray and leaves.

Muffy: Thank you, Bailey.

Brain: Since when are you so afraid of birds.

Muffy: Afraid of birds?? Me?? Ha! Crosswire's scoff at fear. I just... don't like them. I especially don't like them outside my window.

Brain: But why? They're not bothering you.

Muffy: Well, ever since... ah, okay. When I turned four, we went to the Mother Goose Happy Time Pizza Parlor.

Flashback: Bailey waits in front of the restaurant which is shaped like a shoe. The Crosswire parents sit at a table with Muffy. Binky is eating pizza at another table.

Little Muffy: When do I get cake, Daddy?

Mr. Crosswire: Right now, Muffin. Look!    

Two people in goose costumes bring a cake.

Geese: Honky, honky birthday! Honky, honky day! Another goosey after you, honk honk honk, there is a new on your way.  Honk, honk, honky day! Honk, honk, honky day! Honky, honk, honk!

They crowd in on Muffy. Muffy hides under the table, then she runs away.

Little Muffy: (screams)

Mr. Crosswire: Muffikins! Wait!     

The parents run after Muffy.

Female Goose: Well... they're not going to tip us.

The flashback ends.

Muffy: Ever since then, wings and beaks just scare me.

Brain: Sounds like a textbook case of ornithophobia. Which means you're scared of birds.

Muffy: Duh.

Brain: Phobias are fascinating, actually, and often quite easy to cure.

Muffy: How?

Brain: Familiarity. You learn about the thing you fear and the fear goes away. We could start right now. You can use my ultra-high quality binoculars.

He waves them enticingly.

Muffy: Well, if they're ultra-high quality...

~~~

The two falcon chicks sit alone in the nest. Brain and Muffy are crouching behind Muffy’s bed.

Brain: Go ahead. Just look out the window.     

Muffy uses the binoculars.

Muffy: What if the falcons break through?

Brain: They won't. Besides, only the babies are home right now. See?

Muffy: Their parents leave them alone??

Brain: Sometimes. Just for a minute or two.

Muffy: They're so fuzzy and wiggly. Kind of cute, actually. For birds.     

She goes to the window.

Brain: Look, the mom's coming back!

Muffy: Oh!

Brain: Don't you want to see how she feeds them?

Muffy: Hh!      

She sees the mother falcon feed a worm to her young.     

Muffy: Well, that's kind of eww, but also kind of... Whoa!    

The mother flies off.    

Muffy: What's she doing?

Brain: She's probably just going to get more food. Focus on the cute babies.    

He opens the window.

Muffy: Cute babies. Hi, cute babies.    

She sees a racoon advancing on the chicks.    

Is that a racoon? I thought they only came out at night.

Brain: They occasionally day-hunt if there's food nearby.

Muffy: Oh no, you don't!   Leave those chicks alone!!   Yeah, raccoon, I'm talking to you!   

She takes off her shoe and throws it at the racoon. It runs away.

Brain: Go, Muffy! You'll make a real birder some day.

Muffy: I might. I also might ask Bailey to find my shoe.

~~~

Six weeks later, Brain, Francine and Sue Ellen walk to the Crosswire mansion.

Francine: Muffy says, today is the day.

Brain: She's been watching those chicks for six weeks straight.

Sue Ellen: Think she has anything special planned?

They arrive at the gate. Muffy and her dad have set up a barrier and a souvenir table.

Mr. Crosswire: Welcome to Muffy's Migratory Emporium. Binocular rentals, five bucks.

Francine: Where will those falcons go after their chicks fly off?

Brain: Possibly to Costa Rica.      

Muffy shows them a self-made brochure.

Muffy: Actually, I believe their migration route will go South to Tierra del Fuego.

Sue Ellen: Oh, look. It's happening!          

The two young falcons fly off.

Kids: (Oh!  Wow!  Yeah!)

Francine: Look at them go!

Muffy: (sniffs)  Fare thee well, Chester and Fester.

Francine: Chester and Fester?

Brain: (quietly:)  Don't ask.

Sue Ellen: I bet you'll miss them.

Muffy: A little. But... I made them a Picturegram account.    

She shows the others an account on her cellphone called 'Chester and Fester Story'.   

Muffy: See? Chester and Fester.

Francine: (chuckles)   Why? So the birds can post selfies from Tierra del Fuego?

Muffy: No, smarty. So my fellow birders can update me on their progress.

Sue Ellen: Who are these other birds you have here?

Muffy: Oh, the bluebirds - Asher and Oprah. And this is Feather, the canary I might adopt. Canaries of course are the only birds that...      

The young falcons fly one more time over the house.