For the Birds/Transcript

For The Birds

Introduction

Brain sits on a tree in a wood and looks through a camera.

Brain: Oh, I didn't expect to see you out here. I'm looking for something very rare. In fact, it's so rare, I shouldn't even be talking about it. He looks around the tree trunk at a nest and slides off the branch, now hanging by his knees. (grunts) I plan on being the first person ever to get it on film. What's the rarest thing you've ever seen? Brain looks at a nonanthromorphic rabbit.

Buster shows a round roll in his room.

Buster: This doughnut. See? It has no hole! I found it three years ago in a diner in Tuscaloosa.

Arthur sits on the upper bed.

Arthur: Buster, that's just a roll.

Buster: It is? He eats it. Hey, you're right! Mmm...and the butter's still good!

Binky is sitting on the couch in his living room.

Binky: I'll tell you what's rare. Slip Bumfield of Elwood City Grebes getting a hit. He's the worst player ever!

An elderly player steps up to bat while the crowd boos and throws things at him. As he tries to shake a fly off his bat a ball hits the bat.

Muffy and Bailey are sitting at a table in a restaurant.

Muffy: You know what's not rare? This steak au poivre. Waiter! It's the last time we come to the Chateau Marmoset.

Bailey fishes a live crab out of his soup.

The show goes back to Brain.

Brain: Muffy, that's a completely different meaning of rare. I was talking about... A bird cheeps. (gasps) Er, I have to go! Bye! Enjoy the show! Don't follow me.

He runs into the woods.

Title Card: Bird’s Egg

Brain turns on the radio in the kitchen and begins to prepare cold cereal.

Dale Drowsman (on radio): Hello and welcome to Nature News. I'm your host, Dale Drowsman. Today we'll be talking about the green-tailed grebe, long thought to be extinct. This rare bird may have been sighted in the woods around Elwood City.

Brain: What??

He spills soy milk.

Dale Drowsman (on radio): Here's Professor Conrad Twitter on the subject.

Conrad Twitter (on radio): It was him, no doubt about it. Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera so I can't prove it. But I did get a recording of his call.

Brain runs and gets a tape recorder which he holds close to the radio to record the bird call. He adjusts the controls.

Beauregard Poulet (on radio): A Chicken Lickin’ plump bucket of chicken is only five ninety-nine.

Brain: (gasps) He changes the channel back.

Dale Drowsman (on radio): And whoever takes a picture of the green-tailed grebe on film will no doubt go down in history. Next, we'll be exploring the fascinating...

Brain sees himself at the Nobel Prize award ceremony.

Award Host: For your contributions to the field of ornithology.

He hangs a medal around Brain’s neck.

Brain: Wow, my third Nobel Prize.

He smiles while camera’s flash.

The fantasy ends.

***

Brain walks past some reeds with a camera and a book showing a green-tailed grebe. He takes out the tape recorder and plays the grebe’s call. He looks through the camera’s zoom and sees Mr. Ratburn popping out of a bush.

Mr. Ratburn: Alan. What a surprise.

Brain: Mr. Ratburn. What are you doing here?

Mr. Ratburn walks up to him.

Mr. Ratburn: Bird-watching. It's been a favorite pastime of mine since I was a child.

Brain: Me too!

Mr. Ratburn: You know, I once saw a bald eagle on this very spot! September 22, 1998. It's right here on my life list.

Brain: What's a life list?

Mr. Ratburn: A record of every different species of bird I've ever seen. (gasps) I believe that's a Bohemian waxwing. Very odd for this time of year. He takes notes. Where you looking for a particular bird?

Brain: Well, actually, I was looking for...

He stops.

He sees Mr. Ratburn at the Nobel Prize award ceremony.

Mr. Ratburn: I would have liked to share this award with my student, Alan Powers. Brain, who stands at the back of the auditorium, smiles. Without him, I wouldn't have looked for the grebe. But since they can't cut it in half, I guess I'll have to keep the whole thing myself! Woohoo!

Cameras flash.

The fantasy ends.

Mr. Ratburn: Yes, Alan? You were saying?

Brain: Oh, yes, I was looking for a... goldfinch.

Mr. Ratburn: Ah, Carduelis tristes. Not terribly rare in these parts but beautiful nonetheless. Goldfinches tend to thrive around weeds. Follow me.

Brain follows him.

***

Binky, Buster and Arthur are looking at a sign-up sheet hanging next to principal Haney’s office.

Binky: Ha-ha! A birdwatching club? Who would wanna join that?

Arthur signs up.

Arthur: I don't know, it could be fun! Don't you hunt for butterflies?

Binky: Butterflies are different. It's okay to like them ‘cause they're bugs.

Buster: It says there'll be trips into the forest around Elwood City. Oh! That's where Skunkamunka is supposed to live. The giant orange ape-man with the terrible odor? He was in that episode of Monster Mysteries. He's only ever been caught on tape once.

Flashback: On a TV screen an orange ape-like creature with a skunk’s tail steps out of the bushes.

Woman (on TV): It's Skunkamunka! And the smell is unbearable. Oh!

Buster sits frozen in an armchair.

The flashback ends.

Buster: Some people think he's the missing link!

Brain has joined them.

Brain: The missing link between a bad show and people who'll believe anything.

Buster: Say what you want, Brain, I think he's real.

Brain: A bird-watching club? And you're both in it?

Buster signs up.

Arthur: Uh-huh. Mr. Ratburn just posted it.

Brain sees Arthur, Mr. Ratburn and Buster at the Nobel Prize award ceremony.

Buster: I always thought I'd win for finding Skunkamunka. But instead, it was for the green-tailed grub.

Brain at the back of the auditorium stands up.

Brain: Grebe! It's called the green-tailed grebe, you simpleton!

Buster: Er...what he said.

He holds up his medal and cameras flash.

The fantasy ends.

Arthur: Are you gonna join too?

Brain: Of course. But...I really don't think you guys should. He signs up. There's snakes and bugs and wild animals in those woods.

Binky: There are? I'm there! 

He signs up.

Brain: (sighs)

***

Mr. Ratburn, Arthur, Buster, Binky, Muffy and Brain stand in a nature reserve. Mr. Raburn has handed out Sickley’s Bird Guide.

Mr. Ratburn: These guides will help identify the birds you see. Remember, you're not just looking, you're listening as well. Every bird has a distinctive call.

Muffy balances her guide book on her head.<

Brain: Since when are you interested in bird-watching?

Muffy: Oh, I'm not. I just wanted an excuse to try out my new camera. She uses the flash in Brain’s face. The imp. It has six thousand megapixels, the biggest zoom lens ever... She uses the flash again.

Brain: Ah!

Muffy: See? A perfect shot of your nose hairs.

Brain: Mr. Ratburn? We should split into two groups. It, um, could improve our chances of seeing more birds.

Mr. Ratburn: Good idea. Binky and Muffy, why don't you come with me. There may be some herons by the marsh.

He leaves with Binky and Muffy. Brain remains with Buster and Arthur.

Brain: Okay, the most important thing is that you're both really quiet. And... (sniffs) What's that smell?

Buster: I brought some French cheese. It's called Vieux-Boulogne. I thought the odor might attract Skunkamunka.

Arthur: Eugh! Put that thing away! There are flies buzzing around it.

Brain: This is going to be a very long day.

Buster: See? It's attracting things already.

***

Arthur is looking through binoculars, Buster has a small video camera and Brain a photo camera.

Arthur: Hey, guys, check out that pine tree. I think there's a woodpecker on it!

Buster: It's really big! Hey, Brain, what do you think? Is it a woodpecker?

Brain does not look.

Brain: Is it pecking at the wood?

Buster: Yeah.

Brain: Then it's a woodpecker. Now keep it down.

Arthur: Why are you so grumpy?

Buster: Yeah! And we've found five birds already. You haven't even found one. I thought you were good at birdwatching.

Brain: I just don't want you to ruin my chances of seeing the green-tailed...

Arthur: The green-tailed what?

Brain: The green-tailed...mouse. No, I mean grouse. Ohh. Oh, forget it, I'm looking for the green-tailed grebe. It's a really rare bird that no-one's ever photographed before.

Buster: Don't worry, Brain, my lips are sealed.

***

The next day Brain finds a flyer in a school corridor advertising the Birdwatching Club and showing a picture of a green-tailed grebe.

Brain: "Have you seen this rare bird? Join the birdwatching club and you just might!"

He shakes with anger. Buster stands nearby with a clipboard.

Buster: Help find the green-tailed grebe right here in Elwo... uh-oh. Morning, Brain. You're looking...big today.

Brain: You said your lips were sealed!

Buster: They were, but then they got unsealed. I think it was around breakfast.

Alex, George, Jenna, Prunella and Fern are looking on.

Brain: You've completely ruined my chances of making an important scientific discovery!

Buster: I was just trying to help. I thought if more people were look for the grebe, we'd have a better chance of finding it. 

Brain takes the clipboard and scratches his name off the list.

Brain: There! Now there's room for one more person. I quit! He leaves. The other kids disperse.

***

Buster takes money out of his UFO piggy bank.

***

Buster gets snow shoes from a store.

***

Buster cuts a large foot shape out of cardboard.

***

Buster records the sound of a roaring walrus from a nature documentary.

***

Mr. Ratburn stands near the Point Pelee rest area with Jenna, Prunella, Arthur, Muffy, Binky and Fern.

Kids: (chatter)

Binky: Did you see any butterflies?

Arthur: Hey! There's a green-tailed lizard.

Mr. Ratburn blows a whistle.

Mr. Ratburn: Settle down, everyone. We're here to see lots of birds, not just green-tailed grebes.

Muffy: Can we split into teams? That way the winners will get a bigger cut of the prize money.

Mr. Ratburn: Once and for all, there's no prize money, Muffy. But, yes, splitting into teams might be a good idea.

Muffy: Goody. You two can carry lunch.

She leaves.

***

Binky and Arthur follow Muffy carrying a picnic basket, a watermelon and a thermos flask. Muffy takes pictures.

Binky: Hey, where's Buster? Didn't he start this whole grebe thing?

Arthur: He said he wasn't feeling well. Whoa! Check out that cool caterpillar!

Binky: That's just a woolly bear. Dime-a-dozen. (gasps) But look what it's in!

The caterpillar is crawling in a large footprint.

Arthur: What animal could have made that?

Muffy: (sniffs) Euch. One of you needs to invest in some deodorant.

Binky: (sniffs his armpit)

A growling noise is heard. Arthur points at a moving bush.

Arthur: Er...er...um...

Suddenly something orange pops out of the bush.

Muffy+Binky+Arthur: Aaaaargh!

They run away leaving the food behind. They run past Jenna, Prunella and Fern.

Binky: It's Skunkamunka!

Muffy+Binky+Arthur: (scream)

Buster takes the orange cloth off. The growling continues.

Jenna+Prunella+Fern: (scream)

They run away. Buster has a picnic with Muffy’s food. He turns off a tape recorder and the growling stops.

***

Mr. Ratburn hangs up a notice about the birdwatching club. Brain walks by.

Mr. Ratburn: Alan. If you decide to join us again, the birdwatching club will be meeting at the Lands' End park, not the forest.

Brain: Why?

Mr. Ratburn: Apparently, someone thought they saw a monster, the stinky monkey or something like that. Now they're all afraid to go back.

Brain smiles mischievously.

***

Brain is looking for birds in the forest. A bush behind him moves.

Buster: Hi.

Brain: Buster? What you doing here? Buster comes out holding a camera. Oh, wait, you must be trying to get footage of the Skunkamunka.

Buster: Actually, no. I...er... heard he left this area. I guess you're still looking for the green-tailed grebe. Mind if I tag along?

Brain: Well, if it's just you, sure. I could use the company.

They walk together.

***

Brain and Buster are hiding in bushes.

Brain: I've been using this recording of the green-tailed grebe's call to try to attract it.

He plays a bird call.

Buster: So, if another green-tailed grebe hears it, it'll respond?

Brain: Exactly! Chirping is heard. It's him! It's him! I don't believe it! It's really him!

A green-tailed grebe sits on a branch.

Buster: Play the tape! Play the tape! Maybe he'll come closer.

Beauregard Poulet (on tape): A Chicken Lickin’ plump bucket of chicken is only five ninety-nine.<

Brain: No, stop! Argh! I forgot to rewind!

The grebe flies away.

Buster: Relax. I got it all on tape. Or rather, it would have been on tape if there'd been a tape in the camera.

Brain: (sighs)

Buster: Sorry.

Brain: You know what? It doesn't matter. We saw him! We saw the green-tailed grebe. This is a great day!

Buster: And if a green-tailed grebe is out there, then maybe...

Brain: No, Buster. Skunkamunka does not exist. Even if some kids thought they saw him.

Buster: Er...that was just me.

Brain: Oh.

Buster: I pretended to be him because I felt bad about telling your secret.

They walk away.

Brain: Buster...

Buster: I know, I know, it was wrong of me to dress up like a monster and scare my friends.

Brain: No, I was just going to say... thank you! (sniffs) Are you still carrying around that cheese?

Buster: Oh, yeah, it's in my pocket. Ha, I didn't even notice. Want some? 

The grebe sits on a branch.