Fernkenstein's Monster/Transcript

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Mary Shelley: “...He was soon borne away by the waves and lost in darkness and distance.” Well, that's Frankenstein. Look, I know it needs work, guys, but what do you think? Guys?!     The men stare in horror.

Fern: If Mary Shelley can scare the world with her brilliant story, then maybe I can do it too.  Thunder and lightning.

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For the competition Arthur tells a story about a mysterious pair of underpants that make your pants fall down.

Muffy: Oh! Arthur, you've got to get over your underwear obsession! You split your pants months ago. It's over! Move on!

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Fern tells her story.

Fern: My uncle's an entomologist.

Arthur: A what?

Fern: A person who studies insects. You know, bugs, beetles, that sort of thing.

Muffy: AAGH!

Fern: That's not the scary part.

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The next day, Fern meets the others who are sitting on the swings in the playground.

Fern: Hey everybody! Isn't it beautiful today?

Arthur: Why did you have to tell us about the Thing?

Buster: Yeah! I was so happy before!

Muffy: How does your uncle sleep at night?

Fern: Muffy, I don't have an uncle and there is no Thing! I made it up! You guys know that!

Arthur: But you said it was a true story. Were you lying?     Fern starts swinging.

Fern: No. Saying that it all really happened was just part of the story. It's a common storytelling device, Arthur. By the way, Mary Shelley used it too.

Muffy: But those details, the lab and the rain and the insects - you made it all sound so real!

Fern: Yeah, well, that's what a good storyteller does. Look, it's not real, so get over it.

Arthur: I can still hear the bloodcurdling shriek.

Buster: And that satisfied slurp.

Muffy: And those writhing stingers… Who could forget about those?

Fern: Come on! It's just stuff I made up.

Muffy: You know what's really scary, Fern? Your brain! I mean, how could you think up a story like that?     Fern gets off the swing.

Fern: Easily! And I could think of even scarier ones if I tried. Listen to this: “It was a dark and stormy night...”

Arthur+Buster+Muffy: Aah!

Arthur: Let's get out of here! They run away.

Fern: 'Fraidy cats!

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Fern meets the others at the library book sale.

Fern: Welcome to the totally unscary booksale.

Buster: Here, everybody: garlic. Prunella said it would protect us.    He hands out cloves.

Fern: What's with the garlic?     Buster holds a clove in her direction.

Buster: Begone, Queen of Darkness! Your powers mean nothing here!

Fern: I am NOT the Queen of Darkness!    The lights go out.

Kids: (scream and run out)

Fern and Miss Turner check the fuses.

Fern: Um, what exactly caused this blackout, do you think?

Ms. Turner: Electrical hubris. I blew a circuit when I plugged in the fancy-shmanzy sign.

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Fern: No, listen. I could make it turn into something wonderful, like... like a dragon.

Muffy: Dragons are scary!

Fern: Not this one! When the old professor opens the umbrella, it transforms into a golden dragon!

Muffy: Golden is good. Platinum is better!

Fern: Okay. It's a platinum dragon!

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D.W.: Stop! Stop it, all of you! You're ruining the Thing!

Arthur: D.W., what are you talking about? You don't even know what the Thing is.

D.W.: I have ears, Arthur! For the past two days, the Thing is all you've talked about. The slurp, the shriek, the stingers! I want them back in!

Fern: But it's too scary, DW!

D.W.: It could be scarier. I had a couple of ideas.

Fern: Oh, yeah? Like what?

D.W.: The big horrible Thing should break up into a lot of little horrible things.

Muffy: I like the platinum dragon.

Fern: You mean, like lots of spiders or scorpions running around? That kind of thing? That's good.

Arthur+Buster: We can't hear you! We can't hear you! We can't hear you!    They put their fingers in their ears.

D.W.: Here’s the deal. The little horrible things are really bloodthirsty... She walks away with Fern.