Caught in the Crosswires/Transcript

Introduction

Arthur walks through the Crosswires’ hallway.

Arthur: Just because someone says something is real, doesn't mean it necessarily is. Just watch.

The doorbell rings. Bailey opens to two men wearing “JC” caps, one of them with a camera.

Bailey: May I help you?

J-Cube: No, Jeeves, but I can help you. I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, aka J-Cube, big time genius TV producer. Pow! Yeah, and this is Phil.

Phil: (grunts)

J-Cube: I wanna put the Crosswires on TV.

Mr. and Mrs. Crosswire come to the door.

Mr. Crosswire: What's going on, Bailey?

Bailey: I believe we're being "Punk'd", sir.

Muffy comes running.

Muffy: (gasps) Jimmy Johnny Johnson! You got my letter! Daddy, I read that J-Cube was looking for new reality stars, and I said our family would be perfect.

J-Cube: Rich, intelligent, glamorous. Heh! What's not to love?

He steps inside and puts an arm around Mr. Crosswire’s shoulders.

J-Cube: So, what do you say, Ned?

Mr. Crosswire: It's Ed.

J-Cube: Will you let Phil and I be part of the Crosswires for four weeks, and turn you into the biggest hits since 'Ice Road Trucking with The Stars'?

Mr. Crosswire: Well...

Mrs. Crosswire smiles and Muffy looks excited.

Muffy: (gasps)

Mr. Crosswire: You bet!

Muffy+Mrs. Crosswire: Hooray!

Bailey: (emotionless:) Huzzah.

J-Cube: Cut! Okay, that was great. Let's just have a little bit more excitement this time, okay? And, Ted, not too long on the pause. It's feeling a little staged.

Mr. Crosswire: It's Ed!

J-Cube: Okay, everybody, one more time. “Caught In The Crosswires, Episode One”. Let's keep it real, folks.

He closes the door from the outside. Arthur walks passed the closed door.

Arthur: See what I mean?

The doorbell rings again.

Title Card: Filming at Dinner

Muffy sits alone in front of a camera in her closet.

Muffy: It's the first day of shooting our new reality show and things couldn't be going better. I only wish my brother Chip could be here, but he's away at school. Maybe if we get a second season...

Francine calls from outside.

Francine: Muffy?

Muffy: Hi, Francine. I'll be out in a second.

Francine: Who are you talking to? And why are you hiding in there?

Muffy comes out.

Muffy: I wasn't hiding. I'm just talking to my fans in the "private moments" area.

Francine: Er… I think it's called a closet.

Muffy: We have to do three video diary entries every day. That's when the camera isn't following us everywhere.

She lies down on the bed.

Muffy: Ah, I never knew it would be this hard.

Francine: You've only been filming for a day.

Muffy: (sighs) Feels like years. Still, I guess it's for a good cause.

Francine: What cause is that? Making people famous for doing nothing?

Muffy: No! Providing quality entertainment for people whose lives are not as interesting as mine.

Francine: (laughs) Okay. Well, I don't suppose a "big star" like you would want to come to the movies with me? My mom said she'd take us to ‘Galaxy Kittens’ in 3D.

Muffy: (gasps) Oh, I've been dying to see that, but I have to go to dinner now. Sorry.

She runs out.

Francine: What? But it's only three o'clock!

J-Cube and Phil pop up from behind Muffy’s bed.

J-Cube: We want to use the daylight.

Francine: (gasps)

J-Cube: By the way, you are great as the snarky friend. Genius! Pow!

***

A short while later, the Crosswires sit at the dinner table while J-Cube and Phil film. Bailey serves Mr. Crosswire soup.

Mr. Crosswire: Thank you, Bailey. Looks wonderful. Goodness me! What's that on my napkin?

He holds the napkin into the camera. It has a Crosswire Motors ad on it.

Mr. Crosswire: Is that the new, four-door, luxury Credenza on sale at Crosswire Motors?

Mrs. Crosswire points at the ad while looking into the camera.

Mrs. Crosswire: It is! Wow! That is an amazing deal!

J-Cube: Psst! See what the kid is doing.

Bailey serves Muffy soup.

Muffy: Thanks, Bailey.

She tries it.

Muffy: Ooh, hot!

Phil stops filming.

J-Cube: Did he just serve you scalding hot soup? What kind of an animal would do that?

Muffy: Um... it's not that hot.

J-Cube: But what if it was?

Muffy: It isn't.

J-Cube: Or... is it?

Muffy: No, it isn't.

Bailey: I believe that Mr. Cube is trying to insinuate that the scene would be more engaging if you reacted more dramatically, Miss Muffy.

J-Cube: What Jeeves just said. Pow! Genius!

Muffy: Oh! Well... Okay.

She takes another spoonful.

Bailey: Is the soup to your liking, Miss Muffy?

Muffy: Ow! Oh, no! That's way too hot!

Bailey: I am most grievously sorry. May I blow on it, Miss Muffy?

Muffy: Don't bother. Take it away! My dinner is ruined!

J-Cube: I think we just found our star.

The Crosswire parents pass behind Muffy’s seat holding the ad.

***

That evening, Muffy brushes her hair, then walks to her bed.

Muffy: (yawns) Bailey!

He comes in.

Bailey: Yes, Miss Muffy?

Muffy: Why haven't my covers been turned down? And that pillow has not been fluffed! This is unacceptable.

Bailey: It shan't happen again, Miss Muffy.

He trembles as he takes the pillows.

Muffy: It better not! How was that?

J-Cube gives her the thumbs-up.

***

The next day, Bailey rides a tandem bike past the Sugar Bowl. Muffy is in the back seat and not pedaling.

Muffy: Can't you go any faster? I'd like to get there before I turn 80!

Phil and J-Cube follow on another tandem bike with the camera.

***

That evening, Bailey serves Muffy an omelet.

Muffy: I asked for a frittata. This is just an omelet.

She throws the plate at the wall.

***

Muffy shows Bailey a wire hanger in her room.

Muffy: Wire hangers?

She bends it into a ball.

Muffy: Wire hangers?

Bailey looks ashamed.

***

The next day, Bailey opens the limousine door for Muffy in front of the school. She gets out while J-Cube and Phil film out of the roof window.

Muffy: And if you are one minute late today, that's it, you're going back to butler school, Mister!

Bailey: Yes, Miss Muffy.

The limousine drives off. Muffy walks over to Francine and Buster who stare at her.

Francine: Why were you being so rude to Bailey?

Muffy: Oh, it's just an act. J-Cube thought it would be great for the show if Bailey and I fought a lot.

They walk towards the entrance.

Francine: It didn't seem like fighting to me. You were just being mean.

Buster: Yeah, but Muffy has to be mean. She's the villain.

Muffy: What? No, I'm not.

Buster: Sure you are. But that's the best role. Every reality show has someone you love to hate. In Top Supermarket Clerk, it was Jeff. That sneaky, little weasel! I still get angry thinking about him. See, the villains are the most memorable characters.

Muffy: But I've also been really nice to Bailey. This morning, I gave him the cherry from my fruit cup.

Francine: I think it's going to take more than a cherry to make up for your performance back there.

Francine and Buster walk on. Muffy looks thoughtful.

***

J-Cube and Phil film Bailey in Muffy’s closet.

J-Cube: How does it feel to be abused by a spoiled, eight-year-old tyrant?

Bailey: I wouldn't know, Mr. Cube. I've only ever been employed by the most kind and generous of households.

J-Cube: Yeah, that really wasn't the answer I was looking for. Wait. Genius idea coming. Pow!

He writes something.

J-Cube: How's your eyesight, Jeeves?

Bailey: Excellent.

J-Cube: Oh, yeah? Can you read this?

He holds up what he wrote.

Bailey: “I am so very, very miserable.”

J-Cube: Great, now hold this onion.

Bailey takes half an onion and it makes him cry.

Bailey: (sniffs)

J-Cube smiles and Phil gives him the thumbs-up.

***

That evening, the Crosswire parents walk down a hallway followed by J-Cube and Phil.

Mrs. Crosswire: It was the strangest dream. I was in a pre-owned, luxury sedan that hardly cost me a cent.

Mr. Crosswire: Honey, that was no dream. There are tons of affordable, top-of-the-line cars at Crosswire Motors every day.

When they have passed, Muffy comes out of her room and runs to Bailey’s room.

***

Bailey is darning a sock when Muffy calls outside his door.

Muffy: Bailey! Bailey? It's me. I need to talk to you.

Bailey opens and looks about.

Muffy: Don't worry, I dodged them.

They go inside and Muffy sits down on the couch.

Muffy: Do you think I'm coming across as mean and spoiled in this show?

Bailey: It is a distinct possibility, Miss Muffy.

Muffy: But... I'm not really like that. Am I?

He sits down beside her.

Bailey: No, Miss Muffy. And, may I be so bold as to ask, am I a spineless jellyfish?

Muffy: Of course not, Bailey. You're the bravest, noblest, strongest person I know - except for Daddy.

Bailey: Quite.

Muffy: This is terrible. What are we going to do?

Bailey: Perhaps, henceforth, we should ignore Mr. Cube's suggestions, and simply treat each other normally.

Muffy smiles.

***

The next morning at the breakfast table, Mr. Crosswire holds a newspaper into the camera with a large ad for Crosswire Motors. J-Cube is eating a banana. He points to Mrs. Crosswire, but when Phil films her, she holds up the same ad. Bailey comes in with a jug of juice. J-Cube throws his banana peel at Bailey’s feet, so that he spills juice over Muffy.

Muffy: Oh!

Bailey: Oh, dear! I'm terribly sorry, Miss Muffy.

J-Cube smiles expectantly.

Muffy: It's all right, Bailey. I'll just change my shirt after breakfast.

J-Cube: What? Did that bumbling oaf just spill juice all over your priceless new dress?

Muffy: It's not new, and it was on sale when I bought it. Crosswires never pay retail. Anyway, it was just an accident.

J-Cube: An accident? You've been a butler for 50 years and now this snob is calling you clumsy.

Bailey: I'm 37, Mr. Cube, and Miss Muffy called me no such thing.

J-Cube: (groans) Okay, people, look, I just need this scene to be a little more exciting, okay? So, you know, act that way.

Muffy: No!

She stands up and walks over to J-Cube.

Phil: Huh?

J-Cube: Excuse me?

Muffy: If my family isn't exciting enough for you, go film someone else. But from now on, I'm just going to be myself.

J-Cube: Ha. Listen, kid, I'm Jimmy Johnny Johnson, creator of ‘There's A Bear in My House’ and no one wants to see a show about the real you. You know why? It's boring!

Mr. Crosswire and Bailey walk over to J-Cube.

Ed: Hey! You can't talk to my daughter that way. I want you both to leave this instant.

Bailey dumps the rest of the juice over J-Cube. Muffy smiles.

Bailey: That was not an accident.

He smiles triumphantly.

***

A few weeks later, Muffy, Arthur, Francine and Buster sit in the Crosswire’s TV room and watch on TV how Bailey serves Muffy a bowl of berries.

Muffy (on TV): I asked for fresh strawberries! What's this?

In another scene, Bailey holds dresses, which Muffy throws to the floor.

Muffy (on TV): No! No! No! Bailey! Bailey!

Muffy as Godzilla walks through Tokyo, breathes fire and kicks a bus.

Muffyzilla (on TV): Bailey!

Bailey sits in the closet.

Bailey (on TV): I am so very, very miserable.

He is shown with the onion.

Bailey (on TV): (sniffs) I can't hold this any longer.

J-Cube (on TV): Stay tuned for more of the half-hour special – “Caught In The Crosswires A Family On The Brink”.

Muffy turns the TV off.

Muffy: It's all like that. J-Cube only had enough footage for a half hour, but they're going to air it over and over again for three weeks.

Francine: Well, I certainly don't have to see any more.

Arthur: Me neither, and I'm telling everyone I know not to watch.

Buster: I thought it was amazing.

He looks guiltily at the others who stare at him.

Buster: I mean amazingly bad. I won't watch it either.

Muffy opens the door for the others.

Muffy: Thanks, guys. It wasn't a total loss, though. I got a great idea for a show out of it. It's called ‘Bad Reality TV Producer’.

Francine: That is genius.

Buster: Pow!