Brain's Chess Mess/Transcript

Arthur: Lots of people I know have a hidden talent.  Mine is table tennis.  Sorry!  Some of these hidden talents don't seem to fit with the people who have them, like Binky.

[[[Binky Barnes|BINKY]] BURPS]

Who would believe that he's such an amazing dancer?

[TANGO MUSIC STARTS]

Or that Molly would be so great at giving advice?

Molly MacDonald: [to Francine] There's no shame in losing, as long as you gave it 100%.  [to Fern] Don't be embarrassed about being shy, it means you're a sensitive and respectful person.  Embrace it.  [to Pal] You don't have to chase cars. Yes, they're fast and make noise, but who's in control? You, pal, YOU!

[PAL BARKS]

Arthur: But there's one person whose hidden talent I would have never guessed in a million years!

D.W.: It's Arthur, there you are! I was so worried about you!  It's chilly out, so I brought you a hat.  You HAVE to protect that supersmart brain of yours.

Arthur: Why are acting so strange?

D.W.: Me? I'm just showing you my hidden talent.  Niceness.  Can I get you some juice?

Arthur: D.W., I'm not talking about you.

D.W.: How about a little nuppy-whuppy? I'll sing you a lullaby.

Arthur: Stop it, you're creeping me out!

[D.W. LAUGHS EVILLY]

Los Dedos: Checkmate!

[THEY CHEER]

Los Dedos: You have gone soft, Brain, weak!  Why do you not practise more?

Brain: I have no one to practise with!

Los Dedos: You could have been a worthy opponent for... Los Dedos!  As it is, you will always be an amateur.

Mrs. MacGrady: A chess club, huh?  I've played a game or two in my day, in fact in high school, I was known as ‘Checkmate McGrady’.

Brain: That's great! I need all the good players I can get!

Binky: Chess! Pfff!  Chess is boring!

Buster: True, but Brain is serving free ice-cream.

Binky: I've always said, it's the game of kings.

Mrs. MacGrady: Well, I'll be. You've got me trussed up tighter than a Sunday ham!  But I think Checkmate McGrady still has a trick up her sleeve.

Brain: Checkmate!

Mrs. MacGrady: Hmmm. I guess that move should have stayed at the sleeve!

Brain: Another game?

Mrs. MacGrady: I'd love to, but lunch isn't going to make itself!  I'll try to come back as often as I can.

Fern: You took my piece!

George: Oh, sorry, here, I'll give it back.

Fern: OK, and I'll just move this pawn up one, that way he's not threatening anyone.

George: Thanks.

Brain: Guys!  If you never take any pieces, no one is ever going to win!

Fern: That's OK, I'm having fun.

George: Me too!

[BRAIN SIGHS]

Buster: King me!

Brain: You can't move like that! That's checkers!

Binky: See, I told you that was wrong! Back to your own side, Pointy Head!  Yahoo!  Field goal!

[BRAIN SIGHS]

Brain: If this is going to be a proper chess club, then you all have to understand the rudiments of the game!  Yes, Binky?

Binky: Where's the ice cream?

Brain: That was just for our first session.  Now, the point of chess is to checkmate the opponent's king.  That means that the king is being threatened...

Buster: What if the king makes a deal with the other king?

Brain: You can't!

Fern: Well, we did. We prefer to settle things diplomatically.

George: Yeah, Fern and I have a mutual nonaggression pact.

Brain: That's not allowed! In chess, there has to be a winner and a loser.

Rattles: Unless it's a stalemate, then the game's a draw.

Brain: That's actually correct. I didn't know you played chess, Rattles.  Grab a seat!

Rattles: Nah, I was just passing by. I didn't even know we had a chess club.

Brain: Are you good? You certainly seem to know the rules.

Rattles: Well, I'm no Kasparov, but I can fianchetto my bishop and I've been told I have a mean endgame.

Buster: I don't know what's going on, but it's exciting anyway.

Binky: I think Rattles has him up against the ropes!

Rattles: Nah, you don't want to do that.  That'll be mate in three.  You don't want to do that either. That's mate in four.

Brain: Well then, what should I do?

Rattles: Try moving that pawn.  Checkmate!  What?  You were going to lose anyway, why prolong the agony?  I've got to bounce.

Brain: Wait! You can't just leave!

Rattles: Sorry, I've got to wash my hair.

Brain: But, you'll join the club, right?

Rattles: I'm not really the club-joining type. Later.

[BUSTER, FERN, GEORGE AND BINKY LAUGH AND CHEER]

Buster: Let's do it again!

[BRAIN SIGHS]

Brain: Please! I'll give you free ice-cream for a month.

Rattles: Too much dairy gives me gas.

Brain: Then, I'll do your homework for you!

Rattles: And deprive me of my education? No, thanks.

Brain: Fine, don't join the club, just play with me, I need someone to practise with.

Rattles: All you need to know about chess is this, it's like the wind, resist it and it will break you.  Go with it, and you can sail across oceans.

Brain: What does THAT mean?

Rattles: I don't know, but it sounded good, didn't it?

Los Dedos: Ah! It is the amateur, talking to the scruffy ruffian when you should be inside practising your game.

Rattles: I ain't no ruffian, I'm just misunderstood.

Brain: This is my friend, Rattles, and he's ten times the player you'll ever be!  He could beat you with one hand tied behind his back!

Rattles: Actually, that sounds very uncomfortable.

Los Dedos: Oh, really? Well then he can play me in next week's Junior Chess Championship.  Be prepared to be crushed by Los Dedos!  [LAUGHS WICKEDLY]

Rattles: Who was that?

Brain:  Los Dedos. That's Spanish for ‘the fingers’.  She's called that because she drums her nails when she plays and drives her opponents crazy.  I've never beaten her and I probably never will.  I started the chess club so I could get better, but it's pretty much a disaster.

Rattles: Well, Los Dedos has just met the Nail Clipper!  Come on, I'll need help getting into shape.

Rattles: I might be the one playing Mighty Mountain but all you guys got to help.

Brain: Blatsky's Book of Classic Games? I've never read this one.

Rattles: It went out of print ten years ago. I want you to learn it by heart and be my chief sparring partner.  You two will help me with my endgame, but you got to want to win.  Now, say it, I want to win!

Both George and Fern: (I want to win.)

Rattles: What was that?  Do I hear a mouse squeaking in this room?  LOUDER!

Both George and Fern: I want to win!

Rattles: You two are hopeless. But you can still help.  I want you to try and distract me while I play.  Think you can do that?

Buster: Ahhhhh! Flying gophers! Duck!

Rattles: I'm not playing yet! But I like the effort.  All right, team, let's get started!

George: Is that all you got? Ha!  Yeah, that's right, sleep no more, because the dummy just took your knight!

Rattles: That move's not from Blatsky's Book of Classic Games.

Brain: Oh, yeah, I just decided to do something else.  Sorry. I'll take it back.

Rattles: No, no, it's a good move. You know, you've gotten a lot better.

Brain: Thanks. I can't wait to see the look on Los Dedos' face tomorrow when she gets trounced.

Rattles: Me too.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Brain: Why aren't you dressed? The tournament's in 20 minutes!

Rattles: I can't make it.  My parents had guests over and there was a lot of cheese.  I knew I should have held back. [HE GROANS]  I just can't resist it a good Pont l'Eveque!

Brain: But, what are we going to do? I don't want to forfeit!

Rattles: You'll just have to play Los Dedos!

Brain: Me? But she always beats me!

Rattles: Trust me, you're good enough, Brain, but there's one thing you have to remember.

Brain: What?

Rattles: Have fun. It's a game!  Now go, play this one for the Nail Clipper.

Audience member: Way to go!

Binky: You can do it!

George: Brain's the best!

Rattles: Who's winning?

Binky: She just took Brain's pointy thing with her pony.

[BRAIN SIGHS]

Los Dedos: Check...

Brain: Checkmate!

[THEY CHEER]

Rattles: That was beautiful!

Los Dedos: Now you are a worthy opponent, Cerebro Grande!

Mrs. MacGrady: That endgame, sheer genius!  I can't wait for our next meeting and I'd better warn you, I've been studying up.  Checkmate MacGrady is back in fighting form!

Brain: I can't wait!  You were never sick, were you?

Rattles: Well, I had a little discomfort, but I knew you could take her.

Brain: So, are you going to join the club?

Rattles: What's the snack situation like?

Brain: Anything you want.

Rattles: Pretzels?

Brain: Sure.

Rattles: Nah, too salty. Raisins would be nice, but only the yellow ones.

Brain: Ha! You're so picky!

Rattles: Hey, when you're a prodigy, you can be picky, too.