Bleep/Transcript

Introduction

(In a film studio, a life-sized Mary Moo Cow is pushed by outside. Inside, three men sit on a set that looks like an Italian restaurant. Make-up artists are putting the finishing touches on them. Arthur stands in front of the set.)

Arthur: Hi, everybody. I’m here on the set of “The Altos”. You know, that TV show about the family life of a gangster. They’ve agreed to let me teach you a little something about television. Here is what’s known as (bleep) the bleep. Whenever you hear (bleep), it means there’s something that you’re not supposed to hear. Arthur shows a man who sits at a machine with one red button. Here is the person who is making them.(bleep) Watch and listen how it’s used.

(A red light goes on above a sign saying “Live Stage” as a bell rings. A clapboard reads “The Altos, take 48, scene #3”.)

Alto 1: Ugh! This is terrible apple, Betty! It’s (bleep)! My mother, now, there was a woman who could make (bleep) an amazing apple, Betty. When she made it, the whole (bleep) neighborhood stood outside our house. (bleep) saint (bleep) that woman was. If it’s okay with you, Tee, I’d like to give that pastry chef a taste of his own cannoli.

Alto 2: Hey, none of you (bleep) so much as (bleep), unless I (bleep) say so, capiche?

Arthur: Cut! And there you have it. Of course, the bleep doesn’t exist in real life, only on television. But wouldn’t it be great if it did? Then you could bleep out whatever you wanted.

(Lakewood is playing baseball against Mighty Mountain. The batter hits a high ball to Arthur.)

Arthur: (gasps) Uh-oh.

Francine: I can’t believe it! That was the easiest catch ever. That’s it! You’re never playing on this team ever ever again. (Arthur gives the bleeper a sign, who is sitting nearby. Then he walks away.) In fact, you’re never gonna play on (bleep) teams ever again. (bleep) for Arthur (bleep).

(Arthur and D.W. run through the living room in swimsuits. They knock over a lamp which knocks down a glass bird which breaks.) (from Arthur's Perfect Christmas)

Arthur: (gasps)

D.W.: Mom! Arthur just (bleep) your favorite (bleep) bird!

(Arthur gives a thumbs-up to the bleeper.)

(Arthur sits on his bed.)

Arthur: And best of all, the bleep could be used when your mom and dad are going to visit your school and (bleep)  Huh? Hey, what’s going on? Stop it. Stop! 

(He notices that the bleeper is reading a Bionic Bunny comic. He runs to the man and finds that D.W. has her finger on the button.)

Bleeper: What? Oh!

D.W.: (chuckles)

Arthur: Aw…

Title Card

Francine: Bleep.

Episode

(In a glass shop, Grandma Thora examines a bowl while D.W. waits.)

Grandma Thora: Well, this will make a very nice present for Ethel, don’t you think? Just wait here, sweetheart, while I go pay for it.

D.W. looks at the merchandise.

D.W.: (sighs) Oh…

She makes music with two glasses and overhears a conversation.

Mother: Stop that! You'll break something.

Teenager: (scoffs) Whatever.

Mother: That's enough backtalk, young man! And you can forget about going to that concert tonight.

Teenager: What? You can't do that!

Mother: I can. And I have.

Teenager: (bleep)

Mother: (gasps)

She drops a glass that shatters on the floor.

Grandma Thora: Come on, D.W. I’m done.

She pulls D.W. out of the store.

***

As they walk down the street, D.W. keeps looking back.

Grandma Thora: Something wrong, dear?

D.W.: The boy just said this word that made his mom drop something.

Grandma Thora: Really? That’s strange.

D.W.: I know. I never heard it before. Do you know what it means?

Grandma Thora: I don’t know. What did he say?

D.W.: Well, she said he couldn’t go to a concert, and then he said…

Grandma Thora: What, dear?

A thought bubble appears.

D.W. (in bubble): (bleep)

Grandma Thora (in bubble): Oh!

She drops the glass bowl and it shatters dramatically.

D.W.: Never mind.

***

When they get home, D.W. immediately runs up the stairs. Arthur is working on a model plane in his room when D.W. bursts in.

D.W.: Arthur, I have to ask you something. What does (bleep) mean?

Arthur: (gasps)

He drops his model

D.W.: Whoa! It happened again!

Arthur: You better not let Mom and Dad hear you say that.

D.W.: Why? What does it...

Mrs. Read comes in.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, have you put away your... What's going on in here?

Arthur+D.W.: Nothing.

***

D.W. closes the door to her room. Nadine stands on a desk holding an ancient Egyptian vase.

D.W.: Okay, so you’re ready? (Nadine nods) (bleep) (Nadine drops the vase and it breaks loudly) Shh!

Nadine: Don’t worry, it’s imaginary.

The vase shards disappear. Nadine disappears and reappears on D.W.’s bed.

D.W.: Okay, since you know, tell me what it means.

Nadine: I don’t know. I just figured you’re supposed to drop something when you hear it.

D.W.: This is awful. How will I ever find out?

Nadine: Just ask your mom and dad.

D.W.: I told you. Arthur said never say it to them.

Nadine: Well, if you can’t ask them, who can you ask?

D.W. imagines herself at the dinner table. Mrs. Read is setting the table while Arthur pours milk.

Mrs. Read: Nadine’s right, honey. All you have to do is tell it to us.

Arthur gestures “no”.

D.W.: But what if it does something really really bad?

Mr. Read: What could one little word do?

D.W.: Okay. (takes breath) (bleep)

Mrs. Read: (gasps)

She drops the plates and the break.

Mr. Read: (gasps)

He drops food and the bowl shatters and spills.

Arthur: (gasps) 

He drops the milk pitcher and it smashes and spills.

Kate: Uh.

She pushes her bowl over her high chair.

D.W.: (gasps) Ahh!

She looks out of the window as sirens wail. Street lamps and windows are shattering everywhere across town and the stars and moon fall from the sky. Mary Moo Cow jumps over the moon with a deep-sounding moo as it lies on the ground. She cracks an egg with a hammer.

The fantasy ends. D.W. and Nadine sit up in bed with a start.

D.W.: (gasps) Bad idea, Nadine.

***

In the preschool sandbox, D.W. talks to the Tibbles.

Tommy: (laughs) It makes people break things?

The Tibbles: (laughing and bleeping)

Tommy: Oh no! My Danger Ranger belt buckle just exploded.

Timmy: My eyes! My eyes!

Tommy: (laughs) Yes, she doesn’t watch cable TV.

D.W.: Wow. So I can just say it? Just like that? (takes breath)

Tommy holds his hand over her mouth.

Tommy: No, don’t!

D.W.: But you just said…

Tommy: Different when there’s grown-ups around.

Amanda Hulser’s mother is kissing her goodbye.

Timmy+Tommy: (whistle innocently)

D.W.: That’s what Arthur said. Why?

Timmy+Tommy: (whispering to each other) Should we tell her? Not sure. Maybe....

Timmy: (whispering) OK, we'll give it a shot... (to D.W.) Because it’s a swear word.

D.W.: What does that mean?

Tommy: It means moms and dads hate it!

D.W.: Why?

Timmy and Tommy exchange mischievous looks.

Tommy: Would you want to turn into a zombie slave for a day?

D.W.: A what?

Timmy: (directly to Tommy) (bleep)

Tommy holds out his arms in front of him.

Tommy: (spacey monotone) Yes, master. Your every wish is my command.

D.W.: No.

Timmy: Just try it and see.

D.W.: I did see. The boy’s mom dropped a glass.

Timmy: Then what?

D.W.: I don’t know. Grandma took me out of the store.

Timmy+Tommy: Mm-mm. (laugh)

They walk away.

***

Miss Morgan sings with the preschoolers.

Miss Morgan+Kids: 🎵 “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want to show it. If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” 🎵

D.W. hesitates. She looks at the Tibbles who nod. She imagines saying the word.

Miss Morgan+Kids: 🎵 If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want… 🎵

D.W.: (bleep)

Miss Morgan drops her accordion and stands in a trance-like pose.

Miss Morgan: (spacey monotone) Yes, D.W. Your every wish is my command. 

Everyone stares.

Kyle: (gasps)

James: (gasps)

D.W.: Um, can I have a soda? (Miss Morgan gives her a can.) Wow! How about letting us watch TV?

Miss Morgan rolls in a TV set and turns on Mary Moo Cow.

Miss Morgan: Any other wishes?

The fantasy ends. D.W. smiles.

Miss Morgan: D.W., are you all right?

D.W.: Huh? (Miss Morgan and the kids are looking at her. The Tibbles grin and give the thumbs-up. D.W. sighs...) I’m fine.

***

After class, the preschoolers leave the building. The Tibbles pass D.W.

Tommy: Scaredy cat!

D.W.: I’m not!

Timmy: Guess she just wants to stay a baby all her life.

Tommy: Yeah! She doesn’t deserve to know "The Word!"

Mrs. Read comes with the car.

D.W.: (sighs)

***

On the ride home, D.W. looks sad.

Mrs. Read: Anything wrong, honey?

D.W. shakes her head.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Read are preparing food in the kitchen while D.W. watches.

D.W.: Mom?

Mrs. Read: Yes, sweetie?

D.W.: Um… (she notices them holding fragile kitchen containers)

Mrs. Read: Yes, what is it, D.W.?

D.W.: (sighs) Never mind.

D.W. walks into the living room. Nadine appears.

Nadine: Did you say it yet?

D.W.: Shh! She pulls Nadine under the table. What if the Tibbles were lying?

Nadine: Wouldn’t be the first time.

D.W.: But then, what if they’re not? I mean, what if every kid says it? Maybe that’s how Arthur made Mom and Dad always treat him better than me.

As she speaks, Arthur walks by sipping a drink...

Nadine: That’s a very good point.

D.W.: If only I could test it.

She sees the Molina family pass by the house carrying shopping bags.

***

Vicita talks to D.W. on the phone.

Vicita: Cool! And they do whatever you say?

D.W.: Uh-huh. But you probably shouldn’t say it. Ever. It’s really only for us older kids.

Vicita: Right.

D.W. hangs up and gives Nadine the thumbs-up. They run upstairs.

***

D.W. and Nadine stand by the window in D.W.’s room with Arthur’s Bionic Bunny binoculars.

D.W.: Okay. By my calculations, she’ll be saying it in the next five minutes. She sees Vicita walk into the kitchen where the other Molinas are. Make that ten seconds.

Mrs. Read: Okay, D.W. Time for dinner.

D.W.: I can’t see!

Mrs. Read: D.W., did you hear me?

Vicita is talking to her dad.

D.W.: Oh, there she is!

Nadine: Did she say it?

D.W.: I don’t know. Her brother got in the way.

Mrs. Read: Now, D.W.!

D.W.: Just a minute!

Mrs. Read: No, not just a minute! Your dinner's getting cold.

D.W.: Oh, wait wait wait.

Mrs. Read: D.W.!

D.W.: (growling) 

Mrs. Read: D.W.!

The Molinas suddenly look shocked as Vicita gives an accomplished look.

D.W.: I think she just said it.

Mrs. Read: D.W., are you listening to me?

D.W.: (bleep)

A moment later she looks scared.

Nadine: Uh-oh.

Nadine waves at D.W. and disappears. D.W. sees Vicita being scolded and pointing at the Read house. Mrs. Read comes in.

Mrs. Read: Dora Winifred Read, what did you just say to me?

D.W.: Um... Can I have a soda? (Mrs. Read folds her arms and looks angry.) Tibbles!

She looks through the binoculars and sees the Molinas' living room is empty.

Mrs. Read: What are you doing?

The doorbell rings.

D.W.: I'll get it! (She runs out the door. Downstairs are her dad and the Molina parents. Her mom comes down the stairs.) Um... er... Arthur did it?

***

Mrs. Read has brought D.W. to bed.

Mrs. Read: Well, you're off the hook this time, because you didn't know what you were saying, but I hope you know now that swear words are not appropriate things to say, especially for 3 and 4 year old children.

D.W.: Why?

Mrs. Read: Because most people are offended by them. It's as simple as that.

D.W.: But why? What do they mean?

Mrs. Read: I guess you could say they mean "I want to hurt your feelings". Goodnight, D.W.

She leaves and turns the light off.

D.W.: Why didn't somebody just tell me that in the first place? Wait till the kids at school hear about this.

***

D.W. waves to her mom in front of the preschool.

In the preschool playground, Edwin, Amanda, Maryann and Tommy are playing in the sandbox.

Amanda: You’re a (bleep)!

Maryann: No, you are!

Amanda: You look like a (bleep)!

Maryann: You’re a (bleep)!

D.W. comes.

Tommy: Well? Did you say it to ‘em?

Edwin: What in (bleep) did they do when you did?

Amanda: Thanks for teaching it to us, you (bleep).

D.W.: Uh, guys. I think we need to have a talk about this.