Binky Can't Always Get What He Wants/Transcript

Someone holds a clapperboard saying “Beet Burger Audition – Sue Ellen Armstrong – Take 1” into the camera.

Director: Beef Burger Audition – Take 1.   

Sue Ellen stands in front of an artificial corn field, holding a cardboard cutout of a burger.

Sue Ellen: Now?     This Beet Burger is beet-ariffic.

Another clapperboard has Francine Frensky’s name on it.

Francine: This Beet Burger is beet-ariffic. (chuckles)  Does anybody actually believe that?

Another clapperboard has Alan Powers’ name on it.

Beet: This beet is, er… it’s… um…

A group of people, including several third-graders, stand in a studio. Binky turns to the camera.

Binky: We’re auditioning for a commercial. They want an average kid, and who’s more average than me.

Another clapperboard has Muffy Crosswire’s name on it.

Muffy: (clears throat)  Before I perform, I would like to do a vocal warm-up. Ahem! “A noise annoys a noisy oyster.”

The director waves to Binky.

Binky: My turn! Wish me luck!     

He runs on the set.

~~~

Title Card: Rafi serves Binky a hot dog

~~~

George and Alex hold a banner on the stage of the Lakewood auditorium. Both have paint stains on their clothes.

Mr. Ratburn: "Cat Adoption Talent Show". Very Readable. And the acronym pops. Nice work, gentlemen.  Maria, you’ll be the cat wrangler. Come with me.

Several other kids are preparing the stage and setting up chairs. Maria follows Mr. Ratburn backstage where several tables have been set up.

Maria: Oh, g-good. I love cats.

Mr. Ratburn: The cat carriers can go on these tables. At the appropriate times, you bring a cat onstage and show it to the audience.

Maria: And then s-someone will adopt it?

Mr. Ratburn: That’s the plan.    

Binky comes running with his clarinet.

Binky: Sorry. Am I late? I was pretending to like beets for this commercial thingy.

Mr. Ratburn: Not late at all. You’re early, in fact.    

Mr. Ratburn walks over the stage with Binky.   

Mr. Ratburn: You’ll be playing music during the show to keep the energy up and to get those cats adopted. Now, my introduction goes like…     

He uses a mop as a microphone. Binky starts playing.  

Mr. Ratburn: “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Cat Adoption Talent Show is proud to introduce…”    More energy, Binky. More pazazz.    

Binky plays a livelier tune.    

Mr. Ratburn: Excellent. Nice and peppy.    “…Nigel Ratburn! Thank you! So much applause, it sounds like thunder.”  Laugh-laugh-laugh. And that’s when you stop playing.

Binky: Got it.     

Mr. Ratburn’s cellphone rings.    

Mr. Ratburn: Is that me?    He takes out his phone and walks off the stage.    Hello. Yes, this is Nigel.

Maria walks up to Binky.

Maria: So, when do you hear about the c-commercial?

Binky: Pretty soon. I’m so excited, my ears are sweating.

Maria: Well, I’m excited about being the c-cat wrangler.

Binky: Oh yeah?

Maria: I love cats. Have you read the Magic Cat books?

Binky: Nope.

Maria: They’re great. They’re all about magic…

Mr. Ratburn: The lighting girl is allergic to cats, and they’re all…    

He puts away his phone.        

Mr. Ratburn: Maria. I have to run a quick errant. If the people from the shelter arrive, have them place the cat carriers on the tables.

Maria: Yo-rowr! That’s “yes” in cat language.

Binky: Is it okay if I go check on the commercial?

Mr. Ratburn: Fine. Just be back in an hour.    

He leaves.

~~~

Binky orders food in the Sugar Bowl. Brain, Francine and Sue Ellen sit at a table. Muffy sits on a barstool with her cellphone taking notes.

Binky: One Cheesy Franky for me, Rafi.   

He turns to his friends.    

Binky: So, who got the commercial?

Francine: Don’t know. And Muffy’s been talking to them for ten minutes.

Binky: Ah, I bet she got it.

Francine: Yeah, she’s done commercials before.

Muffy hangs up and walks over.

Muffy: Despite my superior credentials, I was fourth on their list. Francine was fourth, Sue Ellen was second. Brain, sorry, you were number nine.

Brain: Still… top ten!

Binky: What about me?

Muffy: They said you have… “an earthy quality that reminds them of beets.”

Binky: Aw, I knew they wouldn’t get it.

Muffy: No, they liked it. You got the part.

Kids: (Oh.   Congratulations.)

Binky: Me?? Are you sure?   Wow. This changes everything.

Binky imagines presenting a Beet Burger in front of an enormous window in New York. He is wearing a suit and sporting a moustache.

Binky: This Beet Burger is beet-ariffic.       

He bites into it. A film crew and his friends crowd around him.

People: (cheer)

Francine: You’re so earthy.    

Binky stands in front of Crosswire Motors with Mr. Crosswire and two collies.

Mr. Crosswire: Would you prefer the Slingshot XL or the Sports Rocker 9000?

Binky: I’ll take both.

Mr. Crosswire: Spoken like a true star.

Binky stands on stage at the Nobel Prize award ceremony. Mr. Ratburn is the presenter.

Mr. Ratburn: I am pleased to present to you the Nobel Prize for acting in an advertisement.   

He presents Binky with a beet-shaped trophy.

The fantasy ends. Rafi brings Binky a hotdog.

Binky: I am honored.

Rafi: (clears throat)

Binky: And hungry.      

He wants to take the hotdog but Muffy takes it away.

Muffy: There’s no time to eat. They need you on set.

Binky: Now?? Can I have one bite?

Muffy: One. Though, as your manager, I advise against it. The camera adds ten pounds.

Francine: Why are you suddenly his manager?

Muffy: Because without me, those jackals making the commercial will eat him alive.    

Binky eats the hotdog with one bite.

Binky: (swallows)

Muffy: Just like that!  Let’s go!       

She pushes Binky out of the door.

~~~

Muffy drags Binky into the studio. People are setting up a kitchen. The director is looking at a clipboard.

Binky: Wow! Someday they’ll say: This is were it all started for Binky Barnes.

Muffy: Hey, clipboard! I have a star here in need of a dressing room.

Director: Ah. Binky. Your fitting is at 5 p.m., we shoot at 6, finish by 9.

Binky: Tonight?? I can’t! I’m playing clarinet in the ca…

Director: Is there a problem?    

He gives the kids a stern look.

Muffy: No! No, no, no. No problem. Haha! Would you excuse us?    

She pushes Binky away, towards the buffet.    

Muffy: Cat adoption is not going to make us… you… famous! You have to cancel!    

Binky bumps into the buffet table.

Binky: Hey. You’re my manager. You do it.       

Muffy fills herself a cup of coffee.

Muffy: No! This is your problem and you have half an hour to fix it. Go! Hurry!

Binky: Aww…      

Her runs out.

~~~

Backstage, Maria scratches a one-eyed cat under the chin, making it purr. Several other cats are lounging nearby. Binky comes running.

Binky: Have you seen Mr. Ratburn? I have to talk to him.

Maria: Congratulations on the commercial.

Binky: How’d you find out?

Maria: Muffy’s press release.       

She hands Binky a cellphone. The screen shows a picture of Muffy in grown-up clothes giving the thumbs-up.

Binky: “Crosswire Talent Agency Inks Major Commercial Gig!” Wow!    

He scrolls down to a picture of himself looking like he did not know he was being photographed.

Maria: I know. Her headshot is amazing.    

The one-eyed cat rubs against Binky’s legs. The phone rings and Binky hands it to Maria.

Maria: Oh, hi, Muffy. Sure. H-hang on.     

She hands the phone to Binky.

Muffy is standing in the studio where the director is looking impatient.

Muffy: Why are you there?! The costume fitting is here!

Binky: I had to run all the way over and I can’t find Mr. Ratburn.

Muffy: They’re talking about replacing you. I’m sending Bailey.

Binky: Aw…     

He hands the phone back to Maria who is holding the one-eyed cat.

Maria: You seem troubled. D-do you want to pat One-Eyed Cornelius for Magic Cat Luck?

Binky: Er… no.     

He walks away.

Maria: His loss.     

Cornelius playfully tugs at her hair.   

Maria: Ow, ow, ow, let go.

Binky walks past other kids who are rehearsing their acts on stage. Beulah plays the ukulele, Buster pulls a rabbit out of a hat and Prunella has a hula hoop. George and Alex carry the banner. Mr. Ratburn comes on stage.

Mr. Ratburn: Be sure to check all the ropes!  Ah, Binky. Have you met the cats?

Binky: Oh… um… about tonight…      

Mr. Ratburn’s phone rings. Buster’s rabbit runs away and Buster and Prunella run after it.

Buster: Hh!

Mr. Ratburn: Oh! This infernal thing again.    Hello?  What do you mean, you can’t help tonight?   Hh! You made a commitment! I expect you to keep it!   Well, it’s inconsiderate of you to cancel like this!   

He puts the phone away. Binky buries his face in his hands.

Mr. Ratburn: My concessionaire just quit on me. One hour before the show. Can you believe that?

Binky: Well… actually…

Mr. Ratburn: The lighting girl is allergic to cats, the sign is upside down…  Gentlemen!  

George and Alex are standing on ladders and are in fact holding the banner upside down.    

Mr. Ratburn: And now, no concessions. If one more thing goes wrong, I swear my head will explode.

Binky: I can’t play music for you tonight.        

Mr. Ratburn looks shocked.

Mr. Ratburn: Hh!

~~~

Binky runs out of Lakewood Elementary with his clarinet. Bailey is waiting outside with the limousine.

Binky: Thanks, Bailey.     

He gets in and buckles up.     

Binky: A real life limo. I could get used to this.

Binky imagines riding in the limo wearing the suit from the earlier fantasy. The limousine stops in front of a theater where a crowd of cheering people are waiting. Francine takes photographs.

Brain: Oh! It’s Binky!

Francine: You’re a star! Smile for your fans!    

Mr. Ratburn comes to the limousine window.

Mr. Ratburn: You promised, Binky! You promised!     

The limousine drives away. Mr. Ratburn falls to his knees and bangs his fist on the pavement. Binky smiles as he drives away.

The fantasy ends. In reality, Binky looks upset.

~~~

The limousine arrives at ‘Le Studio’. Binky runs in with his clarinet.

Binky: (pants)    I’m here!   Muffy! Why is Sue Ellen wearing my costume?!

Sue Ellen is standing on the set wearing a beet costume and looking uncomfortable.

Director: You blew it, kid. You missed the fitting.

Binky: But… I’m her now!        

Muffy passes him talking on her cellphone.

Muffy: Well, my client will not stand for this!

Binky: Muffy, can you fix this? I didn’t mean to be late.

Muffy: Sorry, no time for you now. But let’s do lunch.   If we don’t get guaranteed residuals, than Sue Ellen walks!

Binky: But… Aw…  

Binky comes out of the studio just as Bailey is driving away.

Binky: Hey!   But…. Aw…     

It starts raining. Binky walks away.

Binky walks down a city street in the rain. A car drives through a puddle and splashes him.

~~~

Binky arrives backstage at the auditorium where Maria is taking care of the cats. He sits down in a chair and Cornelius jumps on his lap.

Maria: One-Eyed Cornelius likes you.     

Binky pushes the cat off.

Binky: Go away.     

Mr. Ratburn comes wearing a jacket with cats’ heads on it.

Mr. Ratburn: Binky! What about your commercial.

Binky: I fell through. And I…

Mr. Ratburn: Apology accepted. We’re starting now. Remember, we’re trying to get at least ten of these cats adopted, so… Energy! Pazazz!

The auditorium is full of people and a spotlight moves across the curtain.

Mr. Ratburn: Ladies and Gentlemen! The cat adoption talent show is proud to present… Nigel Ratburn!

The curtain opens and Mr. Ratburn walks onstage wearing a hat and a fake moustache. Binky sits on a barstool and plays mournful music. There is very little clapping.

Mr. Ratburn: Thank you for that! You are welcome! Haha. So much applause, it sounds like, er… thunder!    

The audience is uncertain.    

Mr. Ratburn: Energy, Binky! Pazazz!     

Binky goes on playing mournfully during George’s juggling act. George drops his balls.

George: Augh! Duh!     

George gives Binky a dirty look and leaves the stage. Maria brings a cat.

Mr. Ratburn: Juggling isn’t easy. But what is easy is adopting a cat. Find Maria during intermission and she’ll help you fill out the forms.        

The curtain closes and Mr. Ratburn and Maria go behind it.

~~~

Binky is lying on his back on the floor with cats all around him.

Maria: You are r-ruining it! Your music is so depressing, n-not a single cat has been adopted.

Binky: I can’t help it. My only chance at fame is gone.

Maria: Snap out of it! These cats need homes!    

Cornelius climbs on Binky’s chest.

Binky: You again? Get off me.    

More and more cats are lying down on Binky and start purring.

Maria: Wait. This is just like in the Magic Cat books. They’re covering you with a healing M-agic Cat blanket.

Binky: This actually does make me feel better.

Maria: See? Magic!

Binky: Yes.

Maria: Now they’ve helped you, don’t you wanna help them?

Binky: Yo-rowr!    

He sits up and the cats get off him.

~~~

After the intermission, Buster does a magic act and pulls a rabbit out of his hat.

Audience: Wow!        

The rabbit jumps out of Buster’s arms.

Buster: Hh!      

He chases after it. Mr. Ratburn and Maria come on stage with another cat.

Mr. Ratburn: Truly magical. But you know who’s also magical? Mittens here. Would anyone like to take mittens home.  Anyone.    

Mr. Ratburn himself sounds unconvinced. Binky starts playing a happy tune.    

Mr. Ratburn: He is a playful and lively cat with a mischievous and loving streak.    

A second spotlight shines on Binky. Maria looks delighted.   

Mr. Ratburn: Who wants to bring thins cat home?   You! Thank you!    

Buster hurries across the stage after his rabbit.

Maria presents more cats and the audience Oohs and Aahs.

~~~

After the show, Maria gives a cat carrier to a couple. Mr. Ratburn and Binky are waving people goodbye.

Maria: Goodbye, Willikers. Enjoy your n-ew home.    Wow! S-eventeen cats were adopted tonight.   

Mr. Ratburn puts a hand on Binky’s shoulder.

Mr. Ratburn: Your playing really made the difference.

Binky: I’m glad I was able to help. Especially because I get to keep Cornelius.
He takes Cornelius out of a carrier.

Binky: Though I’m sorry I lost the commercial. Being a superstar would have been awesome.

Maria: Maybe not.

She shows a video on her cellphone on which Sue Ellen is fanning herself while wearing the beet costume.

Sue Ellen (on video): (pants)  I’m sweating to death in this.    

Maria shows another video on which Sue Ellen falls over.  

Sue Ellen (on video): Ah! Now I can’t get up! Can someone help me? Hello?