Arthur, World's Greatest Gleeper/Transcript

Introduction

Molly meets Brain at their lockers.

Molly: Did you hear? Arthur gleeps stuff.

Brain and Francine play basketball.

Brain: Arthur gleeps reaves.

Francine: What?

She is distracted and Brain scores.

Francine and Binky play in the school band.

Francine: Arthur keeps bees.

The tough customers prepare to play ball.

Kiefer: Arthur’s sweet on Francine, man.

Rattles: Break.

Sue Ellen, Prunella and Muffy jump rope.

Muffy: Arthur eats fancy spam. Arthur eats fancy spam.

Two second graders sit nearby on a bench.

Bear: Hey, did you hear? Arthur gleeps spam. He’s tough.

Dog: (gasps) He turns to Arthur and Buster. Arthur gleeps stuff. Oops.

Arthur: Most of the time you don’t know how stories get started, but I know exactly who started this one. Me.

Title Card: Arthur With Umbrella

Francine: (voice) Arthur, World's Greatest Gleeper

Several kids are in the school cafeteria. Arthur joins Buster.

Buster: Come on, let's get a seat before there's no place left except at...

Arthur: (gasps)

Buster: Uh-oh!

All tables are full except for one.

Arthur+Buster: The Tough Customer table!

At the Tough Customer table Rattles throws a sandwich in Kiefer’s face.

Kiefer: Oo! (grunts) Hehehe.

He throws an egg at Rattles. Binky and Molly are arm wrestling.

Binky+Molly: (strain)

Arthur and Buster sit next to Binky.

Arthur: Uh… Hi, Binky.

Binky: Er…huh? Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

Molly: (grunts) Hey, Binky, who's your friend? He looks like a goofus.

Arthur: I'm not a goofus.

Kiefer: Ha, what a dweeb! I bet he never skipped a lulu.

Arthur: A what?

Kiefer uses his spoon to flip yoghurt in Rattle’s face.

Kiefer: Hehe.

Rattles: Oo. I bet he never pulled a fizzer.

Molly: I bet he never even gleeped anything.

Rattles+Kiefer: (laugh)

Buster: Arthur's gleeped lots of things! He’s gleeped more than all of you combined!

Rattles+Kiefer: Huh?

Binky smashes Molly’s limp arm down.

Binky: You have?

Arthur: Yeah...I guess so.

Buster: You guess so nothing! You’re looking at the world's greatest gleeper!

Rattles: Gee whiz, sorry, I didn't know.

Arthur: Buster, what’s gleep mean?

Buster: I don't know. Whatever it is, it must be pretty tough.

***

Arthur and Buster sit in the school library with Brain who is looking in a book.

Brain: Gleep – a slang term meaning purloin, filch, rifle...in short: steal.

Arthur+Buster: Steal??

***

Arthur and Buster sit on tire swings in the school playground and look at baseball cards.

Buster: Relax, buddy. It's not like you really stole anything.

Arthur: Yeah, but what if everybody thinks I did?

Buster: How would they find out?

Binky: Hey, Arthur...

Buster: (gasps) Uh-oh! Here come the Tough Customers.

Binky, Molly and Rattles arrive.

Binky: Hey Arthur, we, er, want to talk to you at our headquarters.

Buster: Oh, well, I guess we can take our baseball cards over there.

Rattles: The rabbit stays!

Arthur: (gulps)

***

Arthur sits on the merry-go-round surrounded by six Tough Customers.

Binky: So Arthur, you know what you were saying at lunch.

Rattles: About how you gleeped a whole bunch of stuff?

Molly: More than all of us combined?

Arthur: Um… er… Well, see…

Binky: We were thinking we should make you a Tough Customer.

Rattles slaps Arthur’s shoulder.

Arthur: Ow.

Rattles: Inaugurate you into our society, like.

Arthur: A-a Tough Customer? Me?

Molly: Sure. With all the stuff you've gleeped you could probably teach us a thing or two!

Rattles: Yeah. I was wondering, is it true you gleeped Mr. Haney's tie?

Touch Customers: (talk at once)

Binky: Er, to get on with the ceremony, raise your right hand and... Hey! Isn't anybody listening to me?

The school bell rings.

Rattles: Let's split. Recess is over.

***

Arthur and Buster walk down a corridor. The kids they pass look uneasy.

Arthur: Buster, I’m serious. Ever since lunchtime, everybody's treating me completely different.

Buster: Ah, come on, Arthur, you're probably just imagining things.

Arthur bumps into a second-grade dog.

Arthur: Oh! Oh, excuse me.

The second-grader sees Arthur with his hands held out and takes out money.

Dog: It's all the money I have, Arthur. Please, don't hurt me! He gives Arthur the money. Arthur shows it to Buster who shrugs. Arthur gives the money back. Gee, thanks...sir.

He runs away.

Buster: (chuckles) Probably just a coincidence.

***

Third and fourth-graders meet to play football.

Molly: And for my first choice, I pick the toughest kid in the whole school… Binky smiles. …Arthur.

Binky: Huh?

Arthur: (laughs nervously)

Francine: That’s funny. Why’d she pick Arthur?

Buster: We take Binky.

Binky: She thinks Arthur's tough, because he’s the biggest gleeper in school.

Muffy: We take Francine!

Arthur picks up the football.

Arthur: And he breaks through. They can't stop him!

Francine: Arthur! I can’t believe this. Binky just said you were the biggest gleeper in school. And I almost believed him.

Molly stands behind Arthur looking skeptical.

Arthur: What’s so funny about that.

Francine: Well, Arthur, you're just not the gleeping type.

Arthur: Is that so?! I'll have you know I've gleeped lots of stuff. I’m a regular gleeping machine. Right, Molly?

Molly smiles.

Francine: Hmm. Arthur Read, if I had just… the proof you had... gleeped… why, you…I never want to speak to you again!

She walks off. Arthur smiles.

Molly: Just goes to show who your real friends are, Art.

Arthur’s smile disappears.

***

In the school cafeteria Arthur is sitting at the Tough Customers’ table.

Molly: So, Arthur, we were wondering, you know how you gleeped Mr. Ratburn’s socks? I heard they were full of holes.

Arthur: Mr. Ratburn’s socks? Well, actually…

Rattles: Mr. Ratburn wouldn’t wear no socks full of holes. He’s a very upstanding kind of guy. Kiefer throws a peanut at him. Hey!

Kiefer: (laughs) Rattles flips yoghurt in his face. Oo!

Kiefer sticks a banana in Rattles’ face.

Rattles: Grr.

He pushes Kiefer off the bench and they fight on the floor.

Molly: What I really wanna know is how’d you get them off while he was wearing them? That’s what really impresses me.

Arthur: Actually, Molly, I never...

Molly: Tell anyone your gleeping secrets? Good pass.

She and Arthur are about to leave the table when Francine walks by.

Francine: I’m glad to see you're having fun with your new friends, Arthur!

Arthur sits down and looks sad. The cafeteria empties. Mrs. MacGrady collects dishes.

Mrs. MacGrady: Arthur. I didn't know you were interested in meditation.

Arthur: I was just thinking. Hey, Mrs. MacGrady, can I ask you a question?

She takes off her gloves.

Mrs. MacGrady: Shoot.

Arthur: Let’s say, you went along with it when somebody said you did this thing that you didn’t even know what it was, but then it turned out it was something bad, but it made other people think you were cool, is it okay, not exactly to say you did it, but not to say you didn't do it, this thing?

Mrs. MacGrady: I’m sorry, Arthur. I haven’t the slightest idea what you're talking about. But maybe if you explained it more slowly.

Muffy comes dragging Mr. Haney.

Muffy: There he is! Arrest him! Arrest him and make him give it back! Lock him up and throw away the key!

Arthur: Huh?

Mr. Haney: Now, now, Muffy, calm down.

Mrs. MacGrady: What in nirvana is going on?

Muffy: Arthur stole my cellular phone!

Arthur What?? Why would I? I did not!

Muffy: Did too, Arthur! Everybody knows you're the biggest gleeper in school.

Mr. Haney: Biggest what?

Mrs. MacGrady: Gleeper. Someone who steals.

Muffy bangs her fists on the table.

Muffy: Make him do the fat, Mr. Haney! Torch him till he confesses! Send him up the river for life! He’s a menace to society! Take away his TV privileges! Shave his head! Make him eat... Something rings in her backpack. Oh. Excuse me. She takes her cell phone out of her backpack. Hello. Muffy here. Oh, hi, Mommy. Yes, I did remember to tell Mr. Haney about my manicure appointment, Friday.

She walks off.

Mr. Haney: Arthur, could I see you in my office?

***

Arthur is in Mr. Haney’s office.

Mr. Haney: Make yourself comfortable. Arthur sits down. I was rather upset when Muffy called you the biggest beeper, er, “beeper” yes, in school. Lollipop?

Arthur: No, thank you, sir.

Mr. Haney: Now I wouldn’t want to take this too seriously. If we believed everything we heard, we'd probably still think the world was ful of monsters and sea serpents. And people would be afraid to go swimming, which would be a shame, since swimming is a perfectly good form of exercise. I do it myself, in fact. (chuckles) But bleeping, now that’s something very serious indeed. And if you have anything to do with it, I warn you to stop immediately! Because you will get caught and then you’ll be in deep trouble.

Arthur: Yes, sir.

Mr. Haney: Did I say that right? Bleeping or blurping?

Arthur: Gleeping, sir.

Mr. Haney: Gleeping, of course. The bell rings. Run along now, Arthur. You’ll be late for class.

***

Arthur leaves Mr. Haney’s office. Molly, Rattles, Binky and Kiefer are waiting around a corner.

Molly: So? What’d he do to you?

Arthur: Well, nothing. He just warned me.

Molly: All right! Did you tell him where to get off?

Rattles: You old con-artist. I bet you had him going in circles.

Arthur: Listen, you guys, there’s something I have to tell you.

Binky: I bet he sold out on us!

Others: (gasp)

Binky: I bet he told them everything he knew about us, otherwise how come Mr. Haney didn’t punish him?

Kiefer: Grr!

Molly: Arthur, you didn't... Did you?

Arthur: Didn't what? I mean, no!

Rattles: Why, you little cheat! You little squealer! Why, I oughtta...

Arthur: But I didn't! I didn’t! Kiefer lifts him by the collar. Ow, stop it!

Binky: Okay, so if you didn’t, why don’t you prove it. Prove you really are our chief gleeper.

Arthur: How?

Binky: Gleep all the ice-cream bars from the cafeteria.

Kiefer drops Arthur.

***

After school Arthur sneaks into the school kitchen. He knocks a bowl off a cart.

Arthur: Ah! (gasps) He puts the bowl back and crawls on the floor to the ice-cream freezer. He opens it. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Mrs. MacGrady: I’m a bit surprised myself, Arthur.

Arthur: (gasps) Mrs. MacGrady sits in a yoga position on a table right behind him. Mrs. MacGrady! I didn't even notice you there!

Mrs. MacGrady: “When meditating, be as motionless as a stone, as silent as a block of wood.” Lao Tsu.

Arthur closes the freezer.

Arthur: Well, I guess you might as well take me to Mr. Haney so he can expel me.

Mrs. MacGrady gets down.

Mrs. MacGrady: Now why would I want to do a thing like that?

Arthur: I-I was stealing the ice-cream bars.

Mrs. MacGrady: And...?

Arthur: And that’s against the law.

Mrs. MacGrady: Why?

Arthur: I guess, if everybody did it, there would never be no ice cream for anyone. So it's bad for everyone, really.

Mrs. MacGrady: In that case, why would you do it?

Arthur: I guess I wouldn’t! But the Tough Customers are gonna pulverize me! How can I explain this to them.

Mrs. MacGrady: Arthur, if you can tell them what you just told me, I’m sure they'll understand.

***

The next day on the school’s basketball field Rattles has Arthur pinned to the ground and bounces a ball on his head. Binky stands beside them.

Rattles: You big liar! You lie! You're just a lie-y liar! You big lying lie-face!

Binky: Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, Arthur, which is, namely, never to lie because when you lie, you… well, you’re doing a very, very bad thing.

Francine comes with Buster and a ball.

Francine: Hi, Arthur. I wanted to tell you, I'm glad you told the truth.

Buster: Hey, anybody wanna play kickball?

Rattles: Yeah, sure! Come on, Binky!

He gets off Arthur. Arthur stays on the ground.

Francine: Come on, Arthur. I'm not mad at you anymore.

She helps him up and they smile at each other before joining the others.