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Return of the Snowball/Transcript
The intro begins with a “Star Wars”-like opening crawl. The whole dialogue appears on the screen.
Announcer: Recently in a galaxy far far away…
Arthur: There is unrest in the Read home. D.W. still thinks about the snowball all the time and won’t shut up about it
D.W.: Arthur stole my snowball from the freezer! I know it was him!
Arthur: Quiet, D.W. I’m the narrator. To combat the dark side of D.W. Arthur has
D.W.: Mom!
Arthur: Ignore her. As I was saying…
Mrs. Read: Arthur, let your sister talk.
Arthur: But it’s about The Snowball!
Mrs. Read: Oh, no. That again? The written dialogue stops.
A flying saucer zooms past the Earth. The camera zooms in from space to the Read house.
D.W.: What do you mean “that again”? Somebody stole my snowball.
Arthur: D.W. I’m trying to read this narration, so…
D.W.: So no one cares that my snowball was stolen. They just want to read your stupid narration.
Arthur: How can people know what the story is, if you won’t let me say what it is.
D.W.: Well, I would, if you would tell the story right.
Arthur: Fine. Why don’t you just do it yourself?
Flashback: D.W. sees that the snowball is missing.
D.W.: Hh!
Arthur is reading on the bed. D.W. comes with a notebook.
D.W.: Okay, I just have a few questions.
Arthur: Uh-huh.
D.W.: Where were you between six months ago and Mom’s party?
Arthur: Listening to you whine about your snowball twenty-four hours a day. D.W. makes notes.
D.W.: Mm-mm. And where did you keep the snowball?
Arthur: Mom!
Cut to D.W. sitting on her bed. Mrs. Read closes the door on her.
D.W.: This isn’t gonna be as easy as I thought.
DW uses a sharp tool to get her snowball however Mrs read stops her
Jane:D.W. what are you doing?
DW IS SENT TO HER ROOM AGAIN
JANE: D.W., do not use sharp objects.
Brain: So if you multiply x by the width of the freezer squared, facturing in the algorithm of the average weight of a weekly allotment of frozen meats, ice-cream and TV dinners and then we’ll…
D.W.: Will it get smooshed??
Brain: Yes.
D.W.: Just as I suspected. The snowball has been somewhere else. All right, Brain. Science experiment number two.
She puts some play money on the table.
Brain holds a list. D.W. fills fresh ice cubes in the coolbox.
Brain: Okay. Here’s a list of all possible freezers within a ten block radius where the alleged thief could have stored a snowball for six months, two weeks, and four days before returning it to your own freezer.
D.W.: Wow. For a dollar sixty-five you’re a pretty good detective.
Brain: For forty cents more I’ll throw in a flowchart.
Brain is investigating the freezer as Arthur arrives.
Arthur: Hi, Brain. What are you doing here? In our freezer?
Brain: Oh… I, er…
D.W.: He’s investigating.
Arthur: Is this about that stupid snowball?
Brain: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, you’re not sick at all, are you?
Arthur: Sick? facepalms Hh! You realize you’ve just been fooled by a four-year-old girl?
Brain and Arthur leave the house. D.W. yells after them.
D.W.: Hey wait! You were just gonna tell me where the ice cream went! I want my money back! Arthur, you did this on purpose!
Mrs. Read: D.W., what are you screaming about?
D.W.: Nothing. Rrr!