Return of the Snowball/Transcript

The intro begins with a “Star Wars”-like opening crawl. The whole dialogue appears on the screen.

Announcer: Recently in a galaxy far far away…

Arthur: There is unrest in the Read home. D.W. still thinks about the snowball all the time and won’t shut up about it

D.W.: Arthur stole my snowball from the freezer! I know it was him!

Arthur: Quiet, D.W. I’m the narrator. To combat the dark side of D.W. Arthur has

D.W.: Mom!

Arthur: Ignore her. As I was saying…

Mrs. Read: Arthur, let your sister talk.

Arthur: But it’s about The Snowball!

Mrs. Read: Oh, no. That again?     The written dialogue stops.

A flying saucer zooms past the Earth. The camera zooms in from space to the Read house.

D.W.: What do you mean “that again”? Somebody stole my snowball.

Arthur: D.W. I’m trying to read this narration, so…

D.W.: So no one cares that my snowball was stolen. They just want to read your stupid narration.

Arthur: How can people know what the story is, if you won’t let me say what it is.

D.W.: Well, I would, if you would tell the story right.

Arthur: Fine. Why don’t you just do it yourself?

Flashback: D.W. sees that the snowball is missing.

D.W.: Hh!

Arthur is reading on the bed. D.W. comes with a notebook.

D.W.: Okay, I just have a few questions.

Arthur: Uh-huh.

D.W.: Where were you between six months ago and Mom’s party?

Arthur: Listening to you whine about your snowball twenty-four hours a day.   D.W. makes notes.

D.W.: Mm-mm. And where did you keep the snowball?

Arthur: Mom!

Cut to D.W. sitting on her bed. Mrs. Read closes the door on her.

D.W.: This isn’t gonna be as easy as I thought.

DW uses a sharp tool to get her snowball however Mrs read stops her

Jane:D.W. what are you doing?

DW IS SENT TO HER ROOM AGAIN

JANE: D.W., do not use sharp objects.

Brain: So if you multiply x by the width of the freezer squared, facturing in the algorithm of the average weight of a weekly allotment of frozen meats, ice-cream and TV dinners and then we’ll…

D.W.: Will it get smooshed??

Brain: Yes.

D.W.: Just as I suspected. The snowball has been somewhere else. All right, Brain. Science experiment number two. 

She puts some play money on the table.

Brain holds a list. D.W. fills fresh ice cubes in the coolbox.

Brain: Okay. Here’s a list of all possible freezers within a ten block radius where the alleged thief could have stored a snowball for six months, two weeks, and four days before returning it to your own freezer.

D.W.: Wow. For a dollar sixty-five you’re a pretty good detective.

Brain: For forty cents more I’ll throw in a flowchart.

Brain is investigating the freezer as Arthur arrives.

Arthur: Hi, Brain. What are you doing here? In our freezer?

Brain: Oh… I, er…

D.W.: He’s investigating.

Arthur: Is this about that stupid snowball?

Brain: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, you’re not sick at all, are you?

Arthur: Sick?   facepalms  Hh!  You realize you’ve just been fooled by a four-year-old girl?

Brain and Arthur leave the house. D.W. yells after them.

D.W.: Hey wait! You were just gonna tell me where the ice cream went! I want my money back! Arthur, you did this on purpose!

Mrs. Read: D.W., what are you screaming about?

D.W.: Nothing.   Rrr!