I'm a Poet/Transcript

Intro

Arthur: "My Sister Is A Sissy" by Jack Prelutsky.

My sister is a sissy
She's afraid of dogs and cats
A toad can give her tantrums,
And she's terrified of rats

She screams at things with stingers,
Things that buzz and things that crawl.
Just the shadow of a spider
Sends my sister up the wall

A lizard makes her shiver,
And a turtle makes her squirm.
She positively cringes
At the prospect of a worm.

She's afraid of things with feathers.
She's afraid of things with fur.
She's scared of almost everything.
How come I'm scared of her?

Title Card: Arthur with Umbrella

Mr. Ratburn holds up a list in class.

Mr. Ratburn: Only two days until the library poetry contest and only one student has signed up: Fern.

Francine: Fern never said she wrote poetry.

Binky: Fern never says anything.

Mr. Ratburn: The judge is famous poet Jack Prelutsky. It's not too late to enter.

Francine: Listen, I'm a poet. Moon, June, spoon, a loon...

Fern sits in the cafeteria reading a book. Binky and Rattles walk past her.

Binky: Just thinking of poetry, oh, it makes me sleepy.

He fakes falling asleep.

Rattles: Binky, know what’s twice as boring as a poem?

Binky: What?

Rattles: Two poems.

Kids: (laugh)

Fern looks annoyed, then stands up.

Fern: You only make fun because you couldn’t write a poem if you tried.

She leaves.

Kids: (gasp)

Francine: That’s the most she’s said all year.

Buster: You tell ‘em, Fern! (whistles)

Binky gives him a death glare. He shuts up.

***

After school the kids run after Fern.

Binky: Maybe I couldn’t write a poem, but neither could they.

Francine: I could if I wanted to.

Arthur: Me too. No problem.

Binky: I can write a better poem than you with my brain tied behind my back, Arthur.

Arthur: Ha! Oh yeah? I’d like to see that.

Fern stops so abruptly that the others bang into one another.

Kids: Ouch!

Fern: I bet none of you could even write a poem.

Francine: I could too.

Arthur: Maybe Binky can’t, but I can.

Binky: There’s nothing Arthur can do that I can’t.

Muffy: You are so rude, Fern.

Everyone argues with each other

Binky: Someone hold me back or I’ll write a poem right now.

Fern: Quiet! Car alarm goes off. I bet that none of you can write a poem and finish it in time to submit it to the poetry contest.

Francine: I bet I can!

Arthur: I’ll not only finish one, it will be better than Binky’s.

Buster: Is anyone else hungry?

Fern: Anyone who doesn’t has to join the poetry club for a year. Bet, or are you bunch of chickens? 

She holds out her little finger. The others hook their little fingers in.

Arthur: (to Buster): How do you write a poem?

Buster: I thought you knew.

***

Arthur and Buster look through books in the library.

Arthur: I don’t want to go to poetry club for a whole year.

Buster: It’ll be a cinch. We just find a good poem and write one like it. (reads:) “The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things / of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, of cabbages and kings / and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings.” No, I don’t think I can write like that.

Arthur: Let’s find one that makes sense.

Buster: What does this mean? “Something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse”.

Arthur: Maybe it’s a riddle. What’s better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse?

Buster: A gerbil that can do your homework.

Arthur: Nothing’s better than my dog. Skip this guy, he doesn’t like dogs.

***

Arthur and Buster check poetry books in the treehouse.

Buster: Whoa, listen to these titles: “The Haunted Palace”, “The Conqueror Worm”…

Arthur: That must be about a giant worm.

Buster: Listen to this: "It was the dead who groaned within."

Arthur+Buster: Cool!

Arthur: I got one that makes sense. (reads:) "Listen, my children and you shall hear / of the midnight ride of Paul Revere..."

Buster: All right. We're ready.

***

Binky, Fern, Brain, Buster, Arthur and Muffy sit at a table in the cafeteria.

Buster: How long did you work on your poem last night?

Arthur: I... sort of watched TV.

Fern: Brain has finished his poem.

Arthur spits out milk.

Arthur: Already?

Brain: Can I read it to you? Any comments will help me perfect it for the contest. “I, The Brain will explain what makes rain. / Water droplets are what clouds contain. / They reach saturation / become precipitation / hit the ground and go right down the drain.“

Binky: (yawns)

Fern claps.

Muffy: I'm done too. "My favorite thing to do is shop / for shoes, shirts, coats, rings..." You can never have enough jewellery. “...and games until I drop. / I love to shop.”

Buster: That's not a poem, it's a list.

Muffy: “Shop” rhymes with “drop”. Duh.

Fern: Everyone else, remember to have your poems done by tomorrow.

***

Arthur writes something in his room, then reads it out loud.

Arthur: "Listen, my children as I tell you / of a duck and a chicken on a bus to Oklaho-moo..." Yeuch!

He crosses out the whole page.

***

Arthur is on the phone.

Arthur: Buster. When you're done with your poem, can you help me?

Buster: I'm done. But I'm watching a video. Sorry!

D.W.: I know a great poem: “Roses are red / violets are blue / my nose smells / and your feet do too”. (laughs) That's so funny! Doesn't that crack you up, Arthur? Arthur walks up the stairs looking depressed. Arthur?

***

The next morning Arthur drinks his milk, picks up his books and goes to the door.

Mr. Read: Why the big rush to get to school?

Arthur: I have to stop at Fern's house.

***

Arthur walks up to Fern's house. He is about to ring when he hears voices from inside.

Fern: Can I hear that again?

Buster: “Once upon a midnight cloudy / a big old bat said 'Howdy! Howdy!'" Arthur looks inside. Buster and Fern are sitting on the couch. (gasps)

Arthur: You said you were done!

Buster comes to the window.

Buster: I-I didn't want you to think I couldn't do it.

***

Arthur and Buster walk to school with Fern.

Fern: Instead of copying other people’s poems, why not just write about what you like?

Buster: Who’d want to hear what I like?

Fern: Who wouldn’t?

Arthur and Buster smile.

***

Jack Prelutsky is reciting a poem in the library in front of Miss Turner and an audience of kids.

Jack Prelutsky: Today is very boring,
it’s a very boring day.
There’s nothing much to look at,
there’s nothing much to say.

There’s a peacock on my sneakers,
there’s a penguin on my head,
there’s a dormouse on my doorstep,
I am going back to bed.

Today is very boring,
it’s boring through and through.
There is absolutely nothing
that I think I want to do.

I see giants riding rhinos, Francine has a thought bubble of a giant on a rhino.
and an ogre with a sword, Buster sees a one-eyed giant swinging a sword.
there’s a dragon blowing smoke rings, A dragon who looks like Mr. Ratburn, breathes fire.
I am positively bored. The dragon breathes smoke rings on Muffy.

Muffy: (coughs)

Jack Prelutsky: Today is very boring,
I can hardly (yawns) help but yawn,
there’s a flying saucer landing
in the middle of my lawn,

a volcano just erupted
less than half a mile away, Binky sees a volcano erupting right behind the school.
and I think I felt an earthquake, Sue Ellen sees Binky dancing, which shakes the ground.
it’s a very boring day.

Everybody claps.

Jack Prelutsky: Thank you. Thank you.

***

Fern finishes her poem.

Fern: “...and the ghosts of all the fallen trees weep for a world that can't live without them.“ Mr. Prelutsky and the kids clap. Thank you, Mr. Prelutsky. I have all of your poetry books.

Jack Prelutsky: You are obviously a little girl with impeccable taste. Our next poet is Francine Frensky.

While reciting her poem, Francine holds up signs with illustrations. Meanwhile Muffy plays the bongos.

Francine: "My dad took me to a hockey game. / I got hit in the head by a puck. / I yelled out 'Ow, my head! Ow! Call an ambulance! Ouch! Ow! Oh brother! This hurts! / Put ice on it. It's gonna swell.' / I got a big old purple lump on my head / and used it for Show And Tell."

Everybody claps.

Fern: Where's Arthur?

Arthur is sitting under a tree, writing and looking at his watch.

***

Binky: “People think I can't write a poem / but they are so wrong, I can write a poem. / I wrote this one, I wrote this poem, / and I gave it the title 'Binky's Poem'. / So shut up!” The end.

Fern claps.

Muffy: That’s not a poem. He rhymed “poem” with “poem” four times.

Fern: It was great. Yeah, Binky!

Jack Prelutsky: Our final poet is Buster Baxter.

While Buster reads his poem, Arthur is racing through the city on his bike. He has to wait for a group of preschool children and a circus parade.

Buster: “These are the things that make me nauseous: / gloppy green gloop that drips from faucets, / blue hair that grows on slices of bread, / when your big old dog drools in your bed, / when a dirty sock drops on your face, pee yew, / when your friend's baby sister starts to spew, / half a worm in the apple you bit, / finding a human bone in your jello, / flowing nose slime green and yellow, / and people who eat creamed corn with their mouths open so you can see it.” The end.

Jack Prelutsky: I probably shouldn't mention the free butterscotch pudding being served at the reception.

Kids: (Bleugh!)

Arthur bursts in.

Arthur: Am I too late? I couldn't help it. The street was full of elephants!

He whispers to Jack Prelutsky.

Jack Prelutsky: Our final final poem is “Jimmy Goes to the City” by Arthur Read.

Arthur: "Jimmy was a happy ape until some hunters caught him. / He liked the jungle better than the city where they brought him. / The city was louder, the city was meaner. / Even the dirt in the jungle was cleaner./ So Jimmy made a daring escape. / The hunters were suddenly minus one ape. / He climbed the tallest building because from there he'd see / how far away the jungle was from the middle of the city. / Jimmy jumped into a passing plane / but the pilot didn't wait for him to explain. / Jimmy went back to the jungle and told his ape friends in their lair / 'The city's okay for a visit, but you couldn't make me live there.'"

Jack Prelutsky: And the winner of the contest is... I hate contests. You all win.

Fern: And nobody has to join the poetry club because they won the bet.

Arthur: But this was fun!

Buster: Yeah! I know lots of other disgusting things.

Muffy: I want to play my bongos.

Binky: You can't stop us if we want to join.

Francine comes with a clipboard.

Francine: Hey, here's a sign-up list.

Fern shakes hands with Mr. Prelutsky.

Fern: Mr. Prelutsky, could you read us another poem?

Kids: (Yeah! Please!)

Jack Prelutsky: All right. Well, Buster's poem put me in mind of one of my own called “Jellyfish Stew”. “Jellyfish stew / I'm loony for you. / I dearly adore you, / oh truly I do...”