Brain's Shocking Secret/Transcript

Brain's Shocking Secret

Introduction

An adult Francine and Muffy sneak into a large basement with a flashlight.

Muffy: This better not be one of your wild goose chases!

Francine uses a voice recorder.

Francine: Francine Frensky, prizewinning reporter, is here with her colleague Muffy Crosswire on the trail of... the truth. I see a lawnmower...a snow-shovel...a couple of bikes...and…

The room contains promotional material for president Powers.

Prunella: I have information concerning the President.

Francine: ...and a talking rake?

Prunella steps out of a corridor.

Prunella: I’m behind the rake, you simpletons! I'm putting myself in great peril, coming to you.

Muffy: Is that why you're disguising your voice?

Prunella: No, it's just a sore throat. Now listen carefully. Check the files at Lakewood Elementary.

Francine: Who cares what President Powers did in sixth grade?

Prunella: The shocking deed happened in… kindergarten! (coughs) Do either of you have a lozenge?

Meanwhile in the White House Arthur approaches President Powers with a folder.

Arthur: Great news, Mr. President! Your reputation as the smartest president since Thomas Jefferson is entirely secure.

Brain swings his chair around.

Brain: But she’s out there! The one person who knows my secret! And if the press ever gets hold of it...  

In the basement Francine opens a filing cabinet and opens a file.

Francine: (gasps) We could bring down the presidency!

Muffy: This proves it! President Alan Powers, aka The Brain, is not what he seems!

Thunder and lightning.

Title Card: Brain Swims

Mr. Haney is hanging up photographs in display case in a school corridor. Brain comes along carrying large chess figures.

Mr. Haney: (hums) Oh! Hello, Alan. What are you doing here after school?

Brain: I was just getting some things together for the chess club. Mrs. Robertson's retiring?

A banner says “We’ll miss you, Mrs. Robertson”.

Mr. Haney: Yes, after thirty years of teaching kindergarten I thought it would be nice to make a display of class photos from every year she taught.

Brain drops the figures.

Brain: What?! (gasps) Where did you get those photos??

Mr. Haney: From my private collection. You never know who might become President one day.

Brain: Ahem... yes. Very interesting. Speaking of which... I'm told you’re good at shadow puppets and I have trouble making a rabbit wearing a top hat.

Mr. Haney tries to demonstrate.

Mr. Haney: Let's see, well, these fingers make the ears, of course and for the hat... no, that's more of a Homburg...ah...

Brain slowly reaches for a class photo.

Brain: Just a little bit closer...

Mr. Haney: ...top hat going round, except... Oh, criminy.

Mr. Ratburn comes. Brain drops the photo.

Mr. Ratburn: Alan! You're still here.

Brain: But...

Mr. Ratburn leads Brain away.

Mr. Ratburn: I have some sketches I want to show you of hat stands made by the famous 19th century hat stand manufacturer Oscar Houlindrope. You're the only one who will find them as fascinating as I do.

 Brain looks back at Mr. Haney locking the display case.

Brain: (sighs)

***

Brain is pacing up and down in the Deegans’ living room. Prunella sits on the couch reading “I Ching, You Ching” magazine.

Brain: There just has to be a way to get into that display case before everyone comes to school tomorrow.

Prunella: Why? What's the big deal?   

Brain: What's the big deal?! He closes all the blinds. I'm in two kindergarten photos. I should be in your fourth-grade class.

Prunella: But you were held back, I know. Remember? I've been keeping that secret for you.

Brain: And you'll keep keeping it, right? Cause if my friends found out the reason I flunked kindergarten...

Prunella: They're your friends! They won't care. Besides, kindergarten's ancient history.

Brain: And who doesn't care about ancient history? If I told you King Tut had failed scribe school, you'd care, all right. I have to get that photo, no matter what!

***

At night in bed Brain has made sketches of climbing the school wall with a rope, using a helicopter and using a parachute.

Brain: Of course! It's so simple! A tunneling machine!

In his imagination a tunneling machine digs through the earth. Inside the machine Brain looks at a map.

Brain: According to my calculations, I’m now underneath the display case. All I have to do is drill up.

The machine digs upwards. Mr. Haney is in his kitchen eating waffles with syrup.

Mr. Haney: Oo...

Brain’s machine digs through the floor. Brain looks out of it.

Brain: Sorry!

The fantasy ends.

Brain: Okay. Bad idea. Maybe I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes. (yawns)

He lies down.

***

Brain wakes up in the morning.

Brain: (yawns) Aah! It's nine o'clock!

He runs out of the room.

***

Brain walks along a school corridor.

Brain: Okay, don't panic... Class is out for recess, so there’s a good chance no one's had time to... (gasps)

Francine, Binky, Buster, Arthur and Muffy stand in front of the display case.

Francine: Hey, look at this! In the kindergarten class before ours!

Arthur: Is that...Brain?

Francine: The only reason Brain would be in two photos in a row is... 

Brain joins them.

Brain: Hi, guys! Did you hear what's for lunch? Tacos! Mmm... Who's up for a game of kickball?

Arthur: Why did you go to kindergarten twice?

Brain: I didn't... I mean, well...

Francine: Brain, did you flunk kindergarten?

Binky: Brain just wasn't smart enough to pass kindergarten the first time around. What's the big deal? (quietly:) Us flunkers need to stick together.

He jabs Brain in the side.

Brain: Ow! It's actually "we flunkers", not "us flunkers". And of course I was smart enough. I was actually held back because... (gulps) ...well, because… I'm a genius.

Muffy: Brain! Geniuses don't flunk!

Brain: On the contrary. Geniuses get bored easily in school, so they often do poorly. Edison, Einstein... The list is endless.

Binky: Well, that's explanation’s good enough for me. And it's good enough for you too... Right??

Kids: (Oh, yeah. Makes sense.)

They leave.

Brain: Phew! Thanks for the support.

Binky: Don't mention it. Maybe at lunch you could give me one of your ta...cos?

Brain: What's wrong?

Binky: You said being held back is a sign of... genius.

Brain: Yeah?

Binky: I was held back! Last year! And you said geniuses were bored at school! Well, I'm... Mr. Bored!

Brain: Well... okay, but...

Binky: I'm a genius! Unless you were just making up that "genius" excuse? Unless there's some other reason you were held back?

Brain: O-of course not. Okay, gotta go. I have some...chess moves to study.

Binky: Hey, I'll go with you. Us geniuses need to stick together.

Brain: That's "we geniuses".

Binky: Yeah, yeah. Just remind me how many spaces that little horsie moves? Geniuses play lots of chess, right?

***

Binky and Brain play chess during recess. Binky knocks Brain’s king off the board with his knight.

Binky: And...slam! Your king's outta there. Woohoo, baby! I win again!

Brain: Yes... Congratulations. I've never seen the leaping Ninja pawn head-chop used so... effectively.

Binky: That's ‘cause I just made it up. Pretty geniusy, huh? The school bell rings. Brain begins to pick up the chess pieces. Hey, if I'm a genius, maybe I should have a cool nickname, something like… "The Brain"!

Brain: "The Brain" is already taken. By me, remember? What about "The Whiz Kid"?

Binky: Nah... I like "The Brain". It sounds smart. We'll find something else for you.

He walks away.

Brain: (sighs)

***

Brain walks home with Prunella.

Prunella: You want everyone to call you "The Oesophagus"?

Brain: Of course not, but Binky... I mean "The Brain"...saw the word in my Anatomy book and… thought it was perfect.

Prunella: I wish you'd just tell everyone the real reason you were held back! You know, they're going to find out sooner or later.

Brain: You haven't told anyone, have you? I saw you talking with Muffy the other day. You were talking about me, weren’t you?

Prunella crosses the street.

Prunella: You're getting paranoid, Oesophagus.

Brain: Paranoid? I'm not paranoid...!

Brain #1 and #2 appear.

Brain #1: Don't trust her! Never tell your secret!

Brain #2: Yeah! Us voices in your head are the ones you should listen to!

Brain: It's..."We" voices.

Brain #1: You sure?

Brain #2: You’re the one who was held back!

They disappear.

***

Mr. Ratburn gives back tests.

Mr. Ratburn: Another D-minus for you, Mr. Barnes.

Brain: Didn't you study for the test?

Binky: Test-shmest! What's it matter if I pass or not?

Brain: You might get held back again!

Binky: So? If a genius can get held back once, just imagine how much a genius I'll be if I get held back two years in a row!

Brain imagines a futuristic “Super Lakewood Elementary”. An adult Binky is standing in a classroom with an old Mr. Ratburn and several kids.

Binky: You're standing in the presence of ultra super de-luxe genius. Thirty-two times I've been held back, and I owe it all to my good friend, The Oesophagus.

The fantasy ends. Brain #1 and #2 appear.

Brain #1: If you let Binky continue to think he's a genius, he may never graduate.

Brain #2: Yeah! You better show him that it isn't all fun and games.

They disappear.

Brain: Hey, Brain! Wanna come over after school?

Binky: I suppose you want a rematch in Ninja chess?

Brain: I was thinking of something a little more challenging.

***

Binky sits in the Powers’ living room with text books in front of him. Brain brings more books.

Binky: Why do I need genius lessons?

Brain: Well, it takes more than being held back a year to be a genius. As Thomas Edison said, "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."

Binky: What's "perspiration"?

Brain: Sweat.

Binky sniffs his armpit.

Binky: Oh, I'm a genius, all right!

Brain: Then you won't mind doing some brain teasers?

He puts a book in front of Binky.

***

Brain and Binky walk past the movie theater. Binky looks at a poster of “Bionic Bunny vs. The Black Widow”. Brain drags him away to the Elwood City Science Museum.

At the library Brain and Binky take out books. Binky reads a book on genetics.

Binky: (laughs)

Brain takes away the comic book Binky is hiding.

***

Brain and Binky sit in the Sugar Bowl.

Brain: So, did you get 3.906 as your answer?

Binky: No, but I spelled, "Hello" upside down! He shows his calculator with the number 07734. I don't know, Oesophagus, maybe I'm not a genius after all. I mean, I don't really like all this hard work, and... I'm starting to smell.

Brain: I'll say! When was the last time you changed your clothes?

Binky: Last week. You said Einstein wore the same suit every day so he could focus on physics, so I did the same thing.

Brain: I said, he wore the identical suit, but he had a closet full of them.

Binky: Well, then this is a little improvement on Einstein, isn't it?

Brain: There are other perfectly legitimate reasons for being held back a year.

Binky: Like what?

Brain: Like... er, like… He sees Prunella outside talking to Muffy, Buster, Arthur and Francine. Like she's telling everyone my secret!

He runs out.

Prunella: ...and then, she changed into a wolf so Moldywart wouldn't find her, and...

Brain: Stop! Don't believe her! I'm not a cryer!

Francine: A what?

Brain: A cryer. Someone who was held back a year because he wasn't emotionally ready! That's what she told you, right?

Muffy: Prunella was telling us about the latest Henry Skreever book.

Brain: (gasps) Excuse me a moment. He walks away. Now everyone knows.

Binky: You were held back because you cried a lot? Not because you were a genius?

Brain: Yes... Isn't it awful?

Binky: I still cry sometimes, and being held back isn't the end of the world.

Brain: It's true! Getting held back actually really helped me. Within a year, my nickname was "The Brain". Of course, now it's "The Oesophagus", but...

Binky: Nah... You can have "The Brain" back. I'm happy with Binky.

They shake hands.

Brain: Great. You're coming to my house!

Binky: Not more brain teasers?

Brain: No, just some good old-fashioned studying. You're gonna pass that test tomorrow. When I go to fourth grade next year, you're coming with me!