Editing Elwood City Turns 100!/Transcript

==Introduction==

''In 1903, people gather to watch a statue being unveiled. Theodore Roosevelt reads from a parchement while an old man sits in a wheelchair pushed by a nurse.''

'''T. Roosevelt:''' By the authority vested in me, I, Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th President of the United States, in the year of our Lord 1903, with the direct approval of the committee on towns and cities...

'''J. Katzenellenbogan:''' Get to the good part!

'''T. Roosevelt:'''...do hereby declare the area known as Elwood an official city!

'''Crowd:''' (cheer)

'''J. Katzenellenbogan:''' It was supposed to be Elmwood. That’s what I wrote on the darn application!

'''T. Roosevelt:''' And for taking fifty acres of swamp and turning it into a thriving lumber town, your good friends J.P. Morgan and Henry Ford have donated this statue of you, our founder, Jacob Katzenellenbogan!

''He unveils the statue.''

'''J. Katzenellenbogan:''' Now who is that supposed to be? My name has two L’s in it. Why did you make me so fat? Tear it down! Tear it down!

''He hits the statue with his walking stick. The nurse and the President try to stop him.''

'''Henry Ford''': Well, how do you like that, J.P.? Crazy old Jacob founded a city before we did.

'''J.P. Morgan''': Mark my words, Henry. In one hundred years no one will know a place called Elwood City ever existed.

'''J. Katzenellenbogan:''' Skinflints!

==Part 1==

''The camera moves from the Statue of Jacob Katzenellenbogan to Lakewood Elementary, where Mr. Ratburn addresses his class.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Exciting news, class. Elwood City is celebrating its centennial in three weeks, and in honor of the occasion we have been chosen out of fifteen schools to stage a musical!

'''Class:''' Yeah! Woo-hoo!

'''Buster:''' We won! We won! We... Hey, wait! Is there gonna be a big test at the end of all of this?

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' No, just a big performance.

'''Buster:''' All right! We're doing a musical. Yeah!

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Putting on a show isn't easy, Buster. I remember when I did my one-man Hamlet with puppets in college.

''Flashback: A younger Mr. Ratburn performs with a larger-than-life doll.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' “To be or not to be, that is...” ''The doll’s head falls off.'' ...the end of the show! Good night, everyone! Curtain. Curtain!

''The curtain closes.''

'''Audience:''' (giggle)

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Er.

''He reaches through the curtain to retrieve the doll’s head.''

''The flashback ends. Mr. Ratburn nervously fingers his tie.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' That performance nearly cost me my perfect GPA. A-hem. So, we're all going to have to be very focused. To save time, I've written down all the tasks involved in creating a musical and put them in this hat. You'll choose your role at random!

''He holds out a hat full of paper slips.''

'''Arthur:''' Come on! Something good! ''He picks and reads.'' Narrator? That doesn't sound very important.

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' On the contrary. A singing narrator will be the glue that hold this story together. It's a very big role. 

'''Arthur:''' Cool!

''Francine picks and reads.''

'''Francine:''' Chorus member?! But I'm the best singer in the whole class! Why do I get such a small part?

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' There are no small parts, Francine, only small actors! 

''Brain picks and reads.''

'''Brain:''' Writer. Yes! Finally, a chance to write an accurate historical musical!

''Buster picks and reads.''

'''Buster:''' Dr. Ector? Is he the villain? (gasps) Can I wear a claw?

''Mr. Ratburn takes the paper slip.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' That says “director”, Buster.

'''Buster:''' Oh... Oh! You mean, I get to decide how everything looks and tell everyone what to do?

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Er... Sort of...

'''Buster:''' Woo-hoo! This is going to be the weirdest musical ever! (kisses slip)

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' You could wear a claw if you were in the chorus!

''He searches for another slip.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''During recess, Mr. Ratburn reads “Stanislavsky – An Actor Prepares” in the teacher’s lounge.''

'''Muffy:''' Mr. Ratburn? I was wondering if I could help with the musical’s publicity. You know, making posters - stuff like that.

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Hm, I could use some help in that department. All right. Thank you, Muffy.

'''Muffy:''' Great! If you could just sign this, then we're all set. It's a standard producer's contract, just in case the musical moves to Broadway or goes on tour.

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' I think it'll be good, Muffy, but I don't know if it'll be that good.

''He signs.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Brain reads “History of Elwood City’s Environs from the Pleistocene to the Present” in the library. Buster pushes down his book.''

'''Buster:''' One word for you, Brain: Alien invasion! Picture this: The curtain rises and a giant flying saucer lands on the stage! (makes whirring noise) Then, the aliens come out. Hundreds of them. They take over the Earth! But there is this one kid who becomes friends with them and...

'''Brain:''' There will be no aliens in my script! 

'''Buster:''' Why not?

'''Brain:''' Because this is a historical musical, Buster. We have a responsibility to show events that really happened. But I did find some exciting things. Did you know that most of Elwood City used to be swampland filled with green-tailed grebes? 

'''Buster:''' Grebes? What are those?

'''Brain:''' Marshland birds of the family Podicipedidae.

'''Buster:''' You're not putting that in the musical, are you?

'''Brain:''' Sure. Why not?

'''Buster:''' Because it's boring, that’s why! 

'''Brain:''' No, it isn't! Anyway, at least it's not some fantasy I cooked up!

'''Buster:''' What’s wrong with fantasy? People love fantasy!

'''Brain:''' They deserve accuracy! 

'''Buster:''' Fantasy!

''Behind them, a boy flees.''

'''Brain:''' Accuracy!

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''In the music room, Miss Krasny plays the piano while Arthur practices scales.''

'''Arthur:''' (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

''The other kids look worried.''

'''Miss Krasny:''' Good effort, Arthur, but the narrator has to be pitch perfect. Let's try that A again. 

''She plays the note.''

'''Arthur:''' (sings out of tune:) Laaa…

'''Miss Krasny:''' No, a little higher, Arthur... Now lower...

''Francine stands up.''

'''Francine:''' Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Krasny, but can I show him? (sings in tune:) Laaa! ''The audience and Miss Krasny applaud.'' Like that, Arthur.

'''Arthur:''' Thanks a lot!

''He looks peeved.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Arthur practices singing at home, while D.W., Vicita and the Tibbles play “Confuse the Goose” in the living room.''

'''Arthur:''' (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la...

'''Pal:''' (howls)

'''Vicita''': I haven’t heard such a horrible sound since Alberto and I gave the neighbors’ cat a bath.

'''D.W'''.: It’s like my Mary Moo Cow doll with only one battery.

'''Timmy''': Hey, I bet I can sing worse than Arthur. ''Pause.'' No, I can’t.

''Arthur sits at the piano. The doorbell rings. Arthur opens and finds Francine with sheet music.''

'''Arthur:''' Let me guess. You’ve come to tell me that I stink and you should really be the narrator!

'''Francine:''' I'm here to try to help you, Arthur Read, but if that's the way you're gonna be… 

''She turns to leave.''

'''Arthur:''' No, wait! I’m sorry, Francine! Come on in. I need all the help I can get.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Meanwhile, Jenna’s mother sews a wing for Fern’s grebe costume. Jenna puts it on Fern. Brain checks a picture of the real bird in a book and nods. Fern puts on a bird’s head, which has stalk-eyes attached to it. Buster smiles, but Brain takes them off.''

'''Buster:''' Aww.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Meanwhile, Arthur practices singing at the piano while Francine sits beside him.'' 

'''Arthur:''' (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la...

'''Kate:''' (cries)

''D.W. covers Kate’s ears.''

'''Francine:''' (sings in tune:) A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Brain checks on a model of the stage built by George. He gives George the thumbs-up and leaves. Buster shows George a toy robot.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''A worker attaches a display board to the Elwood City Community Center.''

''On the Community Center stage, Mr. Ratburn gives Muffy a sign, and she pulls a lever with a ribbon around it. The display board now says “Oh Elwood! A Musical Extravaganza Coming Soon”. Around the Center, all the other lights go off. Eventually, so do the lights in the Center itself.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''The school band rehearses in the auditorium. Arthur stands on stage while Brain and Mr. Ratburn watch.''

'''Arthur:''' (sings:) “And the trees were chopped down for the bustling new town by the women and men employed by Mr. Katzenellenbogan!”

''Francine, Binky, and Jenna are playing lumberjacks.''

'''Miss Krasny:''' That was better, Arthur. But you're still not projecting enough.

'''Arthur:''' But I'm singing at the top of my lungs!

'''Francine:''' You're singing from your throat, Arthur! But really, it should come from your diaphragm. Like this…

'''Arthur:''' Don't! You're just gonna embarrass me!

'''Binky:''' Jenna, you're not chopping on the beat. It's one… and two... and three!

''He demonstrates and the seat of his pants rips.''

'''Jenna:''' Oh, Binky, not again! They take forever to sew! 

'''Binky:''' It’s not my fault! They're too tight!

'''Jenna:''' So why did you tell me you were a medium?

'''Binky:''' I am a medium! My chinos are mediums, my jeans are mediums... 

''Buster and George wheel a human-sized wooden robot on stage.''

'''Brain:''' What is that?

'''Buster:''' That’s Humungotron.

'''Brain:''' I said no aliens!

'''Buster:''' He's not an alien! He’s the robot that saves Elwood City from the giant crab people! And you didn't say anything about that!

''Everyone on stage is now arguing.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' All right! Let’s settle down! Class! I said settle down!

''Muffy comes with a list.''

'''Muffy''': Mr. Ratburn? Can you please look over the guest list for the opening-night party?

''The names on the list are Michelle Kwan, Yo-Yo Ma, Mr. Rogers, Alex Lebeck, Marc Brown, Jeremy O’Neill, and Joshua Redman.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Michelle Kwan? Yo-Yo Ma? Mr. Rogers? You can't invite Mr. Rogers!

'''Muffy''': I already did! He's so sweet! 

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' But we open in one week! Do you really want Mr. Rogers to see this?

''In his imagination, the kids argue on stage during the performance, while George lets down the robot on a rope, knocking over the trees. The guest stars in the front row look shocked. Mr. Ratburn’s Hamlet doll body falls on stage, followed by its head.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Curtain! Curtain!

''The fantasy ends.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' It could happen all over again!

''At the rehearsal everybody argues.''

'''Muffy''': They’ll pull themselves together. They just need a little pep talk. May I? 

''A student hands her a recorder. She blows a shrill note. Everybody is quiet. Muffy climbs on the stage and starts pacing up and down, holding the recorder like a baton. A military drum sounds.''

'''Muffy''': We were chosen out of fifteen schools to put on this show. But maybe they were wrong to pick us. Maybe they should have picked Mighty Mountain or Glenbrook. After all, would they be arguing? No, they’d be working together. Something we just can’t seem to do.

''The kids look embarrassed.''

'''Brain''': I did read there was an alien sighting here in 1952. Probably just a weather balloon, but...

''Buster hugs him.''

'''Buster''': Thank you! ''(through megaphone:)'' All right, people! Let's take it from the top!

''The kids start working together. Mr. Ratburn looks astounded.''

'''Muffy''': That should hold them till opening night. Then we’re going to need luck and all the candy we can get our hands on!

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''The kids leave the auditorium.''

'''Francine:''' Don’t worry, Arthur. You still have a week.

'''Arthur:''' It wouldn’t make a difference if I had a year. I just can't sing! Well, I mean, I can sing... but not like you. Francine, would you like to play the narrator?

''He hands her his hat.''

'''Francine:''' Me??

'''Arthur:''' It'd be a much better show with you in that part. And I'd actually like to be in the chorus. You get to have plastic axes. Please, will you do it?

'''Francine:''' Are you sure this what you really want? ''Arthur nods.'' Well... Okay.

''She takes the hat.''

'''Arthur:''' Thanks, Francine, you're a really great friend, you know that?

''He leaves.''

'''Francine:''' Yes! Woo-hoo!

''She throws up her hat.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''The night of the performance, Francine sits on the Frenskys’ couch and catches her hat.''

'''Francine:''' Dad! Come on! We're already late!

''Her dad is on the phone.''

'''Mr. Frensky:''' I’ll be right there. I'm just getting directions to George's house.

''Francine checks her watch.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''The display board on the Community Center now says “Opens Tonight”. Bitzi Baxter and Harry Mills are just arriving.''

''Inside the Center, the band tunes up. A photographer takes a picture of the front row, where Yo-Yo Ma shakes hands with Mr. Rogers.''

''Backstage, Mr. Ratburn looks through the curtain while Jenna fixes the rip in Binky’s pants.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' (nervously:) Why are all those photographers out there?

'''Muffy:''' Oh. They're for Art Garfunkel. 

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Art Garfunkel is coming?

'''Muffy:''' No, he's already here! ''She waves at Garfunkel, who is sitting between Mr. Rogers and Michelle Kwan.'' (rapturous sigh)

''Buster is wearing glasses and a beret as he talks to Fern.''

'''Buster:''' I want emotion out there! Remember, you're not just playing a grebe, you are a grebe.

''Fern runs off flapping her wings.''

'''Fern:''' Grebe! Grebe!

'''Buster:''' (through megaphone:) Where's my flying saucer?

'''Muffy:''' Don’t worry. Mr. Frensky's bringing it in his garbage truck. It was too heavy for the top of George’s car.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Meanwhile, Mr. Lundgren attaches the saucer to the back of the garbage truck. Mr. Frensky drives off.''

'''Francine:''' Can't you go any faster, dad?

'''Mr. Frensky:''' Francine, I'm driving the speed limit.

'''Francine:''' But we're already fifteen minutes behind schedule, and… Duck!!

'''Mr. Frensky:''' What?

''A (nonanthropomorphic) duck walks into the road. Mr. Frensky brakes sharply and Francine’s hand accidentally hits the crusher button. The duck flies off.''

'''Mr. Frensky:''' You okay?

''A crushing sound is heard.''

'''Francine:''' What's that sound? 

'''Francine+Mr. Frensky:''' The flying saucer!

''Mr. Frensky pulls a lever at the back of the car. The crusher opens, revealing a badly crushed saucer.''

'''Francine:''' Buster's gonna kill me!

'''Mr. Frensky:''' Hey, it's just a prop, sport! Come on! We'll help him think of something. Let's just get there!

'''Francine:''' Oh, could this night get any worse? ''Mr. Frensky starts the engine. It dies immediately.'' (gasps)

'''Mr. Frensky:''' Er...Frankie! We have a problem!

== Interstitial: A Word From Larry King ==

'''Kids:''' And now a word from Larry King.

''A live action Larry King is shown in the Larry King Live studio.''

'''Larry King:''' We’ve got some very special guests in the studio today: a few of the kids from Lakewood Elementary School in Elwood City. They’re putting on a musical celebrating the city’s one hundredth anniversary. They are Arthur Read, Buster Baxter, Muffy Crosswire, and of course, the Brain. Welcome to you all.

''The kids sit in the studio. They are cartoons, everything else is live action.''

'''Muffy:''' Thanks for having us on the show, Larry.

'''Larry King:''' So, tell me about the musical. Who thought it up?

'''Brain:''' Well, I wrote it… 

'''Buster:''' …but, er, we all came up with the ideas together.

'''Larry King:''' Is it easy working together? You like it?

'''Arthur:''' Oh yeah. 

'''Buster:''' We love it.

'''Muffy:''' Great.

'''Brain:''' We listen to each other.

'''Buster:''' Except, they wouldn’t let me have my robot.

'''Larry King:''' Your robot?

'''Buster:''' Ah, it was gonna be so cool. The aliens were going to invade, and then this robot was going to come out in the second act and…

'''Brain:''' It wouldn’t make any sense! It was the craziest idea you’ve ever had!

'''Arthur:''' Guys? This is live TV, remember?

'''Muffy:''' You know, Larry, I don’t know what your agreement with the network is, but I’ve recently started my own production company and we could really use someone of your caliber.

'''Larry King:''' I appreciate the thought, Muffy, but…

'''Muffy:''' I’ll throw in a used car.

'''Larry King:''' I’m afraid we’re out of time. Thanks for being on the show, and good luck with your musical.

'''Arthur:''' Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Hi, D.W. Hi… Aah! ''He sees D.W. waving from the wings.'' D.W., what are you doing here?

'''D.W.:''' You have to get back to the musical. It’s about to start. Oh yeah, and Francine is still missing. She’s the narrator.

'''Larry King:''' D.W., what does that stand for?

'''D.W.:''' I don’t like to talk about it. Are you really a king? Where’s your castle? Are there unicorns in… mm-mm-mm…

''Arthur holds her mouth shut.''

'''Larry King:''' Thanks for tuning in, folks. And now, back to Arthur.

== Part 2 ==
''The Community Center is now full of people.''

'''D.W.:''' Are you sure we’ve come to the right place? Nothing's happening. 

'''Mrs. Read:''' Just relax, D.W. Shows always start a little late. 

'''Mr. Read:''' Not this late.

''Muffy looks through the curtain.''

'''Muffy:''' Still no sign of Francine! We've got to do something.

'''Buster:''' Arthur, you have to be the narrator.

'''Arthur:''' Me? Why me?

'''Muffy:''' You know all the lines. You only traded parts with Francine last week.

'''Arthur:''' But I can't sing!

'''Brain:''' The narrator doesn't sing in the first number. And by the time it ends, Francine will probably be here.

'''Arthur:''' No, I can’t do it. I don't have my bow tie! I don’t have my suspenders!

''Behind them, Mr. Ratburn practices the introduction.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Ahem.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Mr. Ratburn walks on stage. He is not wearing suspenders and has to hold up his pants with one hand.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Ahem. ''Prunella shines the spotlight on him.'' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Lakewood Elementary’s presentation of “Oh Elwood”! We kindly request that you refrain from using flash photography, turn off all cellphones… ''Art Garfunkel and Michelle Kwan turn off theirs.'' …and take this time to unwrap any candy or lozenges.

''The Tibbles quickly eat their chocolate.''

'''Timmy+Tommy:''' (eat greedily)

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Thank you.

''Arthur walks on stage.''

'''Arthur:''' Howdy!

'''D.W.:''' Hi, Arthur!

''Arthur looks taken aback.''

'''Arthur:''' D.W.! Shh! Howdy! This here's a story about a place y’all know called Elwood City. But what you may not know is it wasn't always a city. Once, it was just miles and miles of trees. 

''Music starts and the curtain opens. Binky, Sue Ellen, Jenna, and George come on stage dressed as lumberjacks.''

'''Kids:''' The valley all around us was nothin' but wood<br>
The trees were ripe for cuttin',<br>
The timber was good.<br>
To chop, to stump and stub, a man known as Jacob...<br>

''Brain walks on stage as Jacob Katzenellenbogan.''<br>

Katzenellenbogan, a lumber tycoon<br>
Built a busy sawmill beside a lagoon.<br>
Soon wood chips filled the air<br>
And got in people's hair<br>

Axes gleamed, horses teemed<br>
Chop, chop, chop, timber!

''They “fell” a tree.''

Jacob Katzenellenbogan founded Elwood, founded Elwood…<br>
Elwood City, Elwood City.

'''Brain:''' So I went a-hikin' to find a good spot<br>
A place to build a mansion<br>
A heavenly plot...

''In the wings, Muffy answers her cell phone.''

'''Muffy:''' Hello? Where are you? We’ve already started! Oh, I see. Just get here as quick as you can.

''Buster comes carrying a pile of costumes.''

'''Buster:''' Was that Francine? Is she coming?

'''Muffy:''' The garbage truck broke down. They’re hitching a ride.

'''Buster:''' What about the flying saucer?

'''Muffy:''' You better sit down. 

''Buster sits on a box.''

''Meanwhile on stage, the kids are now wearing early 20<sup>th</sup> century clothes in front of houses.''

'''Kids:''' Houses multiplied...

Jacob Katzenellenbogan<br>
Founded Elwood, founded Elwood<br>
Elwood City, Elwood City<br>
Jacob Katzenellenbogan!

'''Brain:''' But I wanted it to be called Elmwood! Darn bureaucracy.

''The curtain closes and people clap.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Arthur sits on a stool on stage.''

'''Arthur:''' But wait! Not everyone was happy that Elwood had become a city. When the forest was cut down, the beautiful green-tailed grebe lost her home.

''He walks off the stage as Fern appears in her grebe costume.''

'''Tommy:''' What's that? 

'''D.W.:''' A grebe! 

'''Tommy:''' What's a grebe?

'''D.W.:''' That!

'''Timmy:''' That's just Fern wearing a lot of feathers! 

'''D.W.:''' You’ve got to use your imagination!

'''Timmy:''' I am using it. I'm imagining I have more candy.

'''D.W.:''' Shh!

''Fern is doing a dance.''

'''Fern:''' Taste the salty tears we weep<br>
For the long-lost green-tailed grebe<br>
Our sorrows run so very deep<br>
For the long-lost green-tailed grebe. 

''Muffy watches from the wings. Backstage, Arthur talks to Brain.''

'''Arthur''': I think it's going really well. 

'''Brain''': Yeah... Now if only the flying saucer would get here.

''Binky comes eating a donut.''

'''Binky''': Don’t hold your breath. It was smashed to bits in the back of Francine’s garbage truck.

'''Arthur''': Does Buster know?

'''Binky''': Yeah. He’s locked himself in the janitor’s closet.

''Mr. Ratburn knocks on the closet door while Brain, Arthur, and Muffy stand around him.''

'''Mr. Ratburn''': Buster, Open this door right now! You're behaving very unprofessionally!

'''Buster (through door):''' I don't care! I'm not a professional!

''Brain, Arthur, and Muffy bang on the door.''

'''Brain+Arthur+Muffy:''' Buster, you're on!

''Muffy checks her watch.''

'''Muffy''': (gasps) Fern's scene is almost finished. What are we going to do?

'''Brain''': I'll just have to write the flying saucer out. Quick! Hand me those napkins!

'''Arthur''': What about Francine? The narrator's singing part is coming up!

'''Muffy''': Don’t worry. She's on her way!

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Meanwhile, Francine and her dad are sitting an old car on the way to the Community Center.''

'''Driver:''' Yes, sir! This baby's a one-of-a-kind classic! She may not be a speed demon, but she gets great mileage. Oof! ''He stops to let a duck cross the road.'' Haha. A duck! Go on, sweetie! Take your time.

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Meanwhile, Fern finishes her act.''

'''Fern:''' While lumberjacks were tickled pink<br>
The green-tailed grebe, she went extinct. 

''Several people in the audience exchange confused looks. Mrs. Walters stands up and claps and others join in. Fern takes a bow and exits. Arthur comes on.''

'''Arthur:''' Over the past one hundred years, Elwood City has grown bigger and bigger. And we've had visitors from all over the world. Some say we may have even had visitors from outside this world. The year is 1952....

''The curtain opens to show a cornfield. Binky, Jenna, George, and Alex (as a dog) “drive” on stage in a fake car.''

'''Jenna:''' Dear me! Look how high the corn has grown this summer! 

'''Binky:''' Yes. It is a bumper crop.

'''Alex:''' Bow-wow! Wow-wow-wow!

''He points at the sky.''

'''George:''' What is it, Boy? Gee whillikers! Is that a flying saucer in the sky?

''Binky takes a napkin with Brain’s new script out of his pocket.''

'''Binky:''' No, Bobby, that is not a flying saucer. It is probably just a natural phenomenon such as ball lightning, a rare form of lightning in which... ''Brain hides behind the car and writes on more napkins. He hands one to Binky.'' …a persistent and moving luminous sphere can travel...

''Meanwhile, Buster still sits in the closet.''

'''Buster:''' It was going to be the best part of the show. (sniffs) Now, no one will ever...

''He hears voices from outside.''

'''Binky:''' …simply a misperception…

'''Buster:''' Hey, they're going on without me!

''He grabs a sponge and a feather duster from the closet.''

'''Binky:''' …or it could be a weather balloon...

''The audience looks bored, as does Alex the dog.''

'''Woman:''' (yawns) 

'''Binky:''' …or another type of con...ventional aircraft, or...

'''Buster:''' Or… it's a real alien!

''Buster walks on stage, wearing a cape, goggles, and the feather duster as a hat.''

'''Audience:''' (laugh)

'''Arthur:''' Buster, what are you doing?

'''Buster:''' Buster? Who is this Buster you speak of? I am… Dr. Ector, behold my claw! ''He holds out an umbrella handle.'' I come from the planet... ''He looks around. The others stare at him.'' Corn... and I’ve travelled millions of miles to deliver this important message to you, which will be sung to the tune you Earthlings call "Yankee Doodle".

''He winks at Miss Krasny who plays the tune.''

'''Buster:''' Dr. Ector came to Earth, in a flying saucer.<br>
Had a message to deliver, be a... be a frequent flosser.<br>
Floss your teeth every night, floss your teeth all day.<br>
If you floss your teeth with all your might, you won't have tooth decay! 

''He rips a hole in the corn backdrop.''

'''Buster:''' Oops.

''He loses his balance and pulls down the entire backdrop.''

'''Kids:''' (gasp) Ahh!

''The backdrop falls on them.''

'''Audience:''' (laugh)

''Mr. Ratburn comes on stage.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' There will now be a brief intermission. Curtain! Curtain!

''The curtain closes.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''Mr. Ratburn helps the kids to get free.''

'''Brain:''' Buster, what were you thinking?

''He pulls at the feather duster.''

'''Buster:''' Ow! Let go of my horn! Well, I had to do something, Brain. People were falling asleep out there.

'''Brain:''' You didn’t have to destroy the set.

'''George:''' Aren’t we supposed to use this in the last number, Mr. Ratburn?

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Um...yes... We'll just have to improvise.

'''Buster:''' Oh, you're right, Brain! I did ruin everything. I'm such a failure. (his voice chokes up as he is about to cry) If anyone wants me, I'll be in the janitor’s closet.

'''Brain:''' Wait! It's my fault! That stuff I wrote about ball lightning was really boring.

'''Arthur:''' You two are lucky. I still have to sing!

'''Binky:''' And I bet the audience thought the show couldn't get any worse.

'''Muffy:''' Couldn’t we just end it now, Mr. Ratburn? I've already done enough damage to my producing career.

''Francine comes.''

'''Francine:''' End the show? Are you crazy?

'''Kids:''' Francine!

'''Francine:''' Sorry I'm late. The streets were crawling with ducks.

'''Muffy:''' Well, you haven’t missed much. Just the worst third-grade musical ever.

'''Francine:''' That’s not what they think!

''The kids look out at the audience.''

'''Man:''' (laughs)

'''Woman:''' Brilliant!

''Mrs. Read talks to Mrs. Baxter.''

'''Mrs. Read:''' When he came out with that thing on his head, I thought I was gonna die laughing!

''Mr. Read talks to Mr. Crosswire.''

'''Mr. Read:''' I'm really impressed. It's got humor, interesting facts, that very poetic piece about the bird...

'''Tommy:''' I liked the part where that monster tore a hole in the wall.

'''Timmy:''' Was he a grebe? He had feathers.

''The kids look delighted.''

'''Muffy:''' Come on, guys. We've got a show to do!

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''The show continues. Francine as narrator stands in front of the curtain.''

'''Francine:''' Oh Elwood City, so proud so bold,<br>
Now you are one hundred years old.<br>
What was once dark forests, bogs and fens,<br>
Is now called home by us children.<br>
I lift my head and sing to thee,<br>
Oh Elwood, Elwood, Elwood City...

''Alex stands up in the audience.''

'''Alex:''' Hey, you've told us what Elwood City was like in the past, but what's it like today? 

'''Francine:''' Today? Today things are a little different...

''The curtain opens. The stage now shows a street scene. Kids walk on stage.''

'''Kids:''' (Watch out! Hey! Coming through! Do we have a math test Monday?)

'''Arthur:''' Hey, Buster! Wanna get a snack? 

'''Buster:''' You have to ask? 

'''Kids:''' Slurping shakes at the Sugar Bowl,<br>
The crossing guard is on patrol.<br>
Soccer games...

'''Francine:''' Hey, I scored a goal! 

'''Kids:''' That's Elwood City.<br>
Reading books at the library,<br>
Our clubhouse is in a tree. 

'''Buster:''' Had a comet named after me. 

'''Kids:''' That's Elwood City. 

''The corn backdrop comes down with a large hole in the middle. Francine looks out of it.''

'''Francine:''' When the ice storm blew in,<br>
Our prospects looked grim. 

''Binky walks on stage dressed as a snowflake.''

We were filled with hunger and fear, 

'''Kids:''' But we got together and battled the weather,<br>
With stories, cocoa and cheer. 

'''Francine:''' Just like pioneers. 

''The backdrop rises.''

'''Kids:''' Baseball games with Mighty Mountain,<br>
Lost a lot, but we're not countin'. 

'''Buster:''' Hey, don't hog the water fountain! 

'''Kids:''' That's Elwood City. 

'''Arthur:''' Picnics for all sons and fathers, 

'''Binky:''' Hey, I just met Mister Rogers!

''He waves at Mr. Rogers.''

'''Muffy:''' Crosswire Motors has super deals. 

'''Brain:''' The ice-cream shop sells gummy eels. 

''Fern comes on stage dressed as a detective.''

'''Fern:''' All clues point in one direction. 

'''Brain:''' Elwood City is perfection. 

'''Kids:''' Yes, this town has passed the test,<br>
So much better than the rest.<br>
Elwood City, you're the best!<br>
Elwood City. Yeah!

''Balloons fall from the ceiling while the audience cheers. The kids smile at each other. Mr. Ratburn looks like he can hardly believe it.''

<nowiki>***</nowiki>

''After the show, the Reads drive home. Arthur is still smiling.''

'''D.W:''' Next time you do a musical about Elwood City, ''you'' should play the alien. You look more alienish than Buster.

'''Arthur:''' (yawns) They probably won’t do another one for a hundred years. It was a centennial celebration.

'''D.W:''' Oh? Then I guess you’ll play Jacob Katzen-whatshisname. You'll have a beard by then.

'''Arthur:''' Katzenellenbogan.

'''D.W:''' I wonder what he would have though thought of the show.

''The car passes the statue of Katzenellenbogan. A duck sits down on his hat.''

[[Category:Transcripts]]
[[Category:A to Z]]
[[Category:Season 7 transcripts]]