S.W.E.A.T./Transcript

Arthur: Good morning.  Today's show is all about stress.  What IS stress?  Stress is, er, when you feel a lot of pressure to...Buster!

Buster: Sorry! I thought you needed cooling off. You look sweaty.

Arthur: Um...anyway, stress is, er...a feeling you get like when you're facing a really big...

Buster: Bear?

Arthur: I was going to say test! You're not being very helpful.

Buster: OK, but if I were you, I'd be more stressed about a bear than a test.

[BEAR GRUNTS]

Arthur: AHH!  Whoo! That was close! Anyway...We all get stressed out sometimes, but there are different ways to deal with... AHH!  D.W.! When did you learn how to fly a helicopter?

D.W.: Is that what this is? I thought it was a ride!  I want my quarter back!

Arthur: Don't touch anything!

[ALARM BEEPS]

D.W.: Oopsie!

Arthur: You think this is stressful? Wait till you see the show!

Buster: Are we learning about sweat today?  If we are, I came prepared. [HE SNIFFS]

Nigel Ratburn: No, Buster.  S.W.E.A.T. is an acronym for the Stoddard Wilkins Elementary Aptitude Test - a standardised test you'll all be taking.

Arthur: What's it on?!

Sue Ellen: Will we be graded?!

Nigel Ratburn: Calm down.  It's nothing to worry about, but the format may be unfamiliar, so I have some practice tests to help you prepare at home.

Arthur: If Sarah has seven apples, and she gives Sadie five of them...

Buster: Why is Sarah giving apples away?

Arthur: It doesn't say...then Sarah gets another apple from Sam...

Buster: Now, she's taking apples from Sam? I don't trust this Sarah.  She's up to something.

Arthur: It's just a math problem.

Buster: That's probably what Sarah told Sadie. I bet those apples are rotten.

Sue Ellen: I just took one of the multiple-choice vocabulary tests.  It wasn't so bad.

Arthur: Um...did you read the instructions?

Sue Ellen: Yeah, I glanced at them. Why?

Arthur: Because it says you're supposed to use a #2 pencil and not to make any extra marks on the test. See?

Sue Ellen: I don't have any #2 pencils.

Arthur: Take one of mine.

Sue Ellen: Ack! It's so ordinary! I prefer the dusky soulfulness of a 4B.  What happens if I use one of those?

Binky: Then ye have to take it again!  And that's if you're lucky! They might just fail you.  Aye! I've seen brave third graders cry like pre-schoolers when faced with the S.W.E.A.T..  A fear comes o'er them that swallows 'em whole.

Buster: Why are you talking like that?

Binky: Don't ye know it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arr!  Practice all ye like, but when the real test is before ya, then you'll feel the jaws o' fear tightening all around ya!  Ha-ha-ha! [COUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Arthur: OK, students. You may open your test booklets now.

[MOTOR REVVING]

Arthur: Dad! Would you do that later? I'm trying to take a test!  Now, you may open your...

Mary Moo Cow: # Three, three, three is fun  # It's more than one or two... #

Arthur: D.W.! You have to turn that off.  I'm trying to study.

D.W.: But it's my TV time.  Mom! Arthur's not respecting my rights!

Arthur: Fine.

Mary Moo Cow: # ..This song won't leave your head  # Five, five, five is sweet... #

Arthur: Mom! DW's making too much noise and I'm...

[LIQUIDISER MOTOR WHIZZES]

[ARTHUR SIGHS]

Arthur:   OK. You may now...

[DRIPPING]

[ALARM BUZZES]

Sue Ellen: Well, this is it. SWEAT day.

[DOTS BARKS]

Sue Ellen: Sorry, Dots. You can't come with me.

[DOTS WHIMPERS]

Sue Ellen: "Why not?"  Because you're not a #2 pencil.  Now, where did I put that one Arthur gave me? [GASPS]  I can't find it!  Arthur! I lost the #2 pencil you gave me. Do you have another?

Arthur: No. But I just passed a few back there. Watch out for the erasers!

#2 Pencils: [CHANTING]: Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two...

Sue Ellen: AHH!

#2 Pencils: Two, two, two, two, two, two...

Buster: OK. Sarah gives Sadie five apples.  Thank you, Sarah. I don't know why you're giving me these apples, but I don't care, cos I'm a pig!  Then Sam flies in with another apple. Brrrr!  Activating apple defence system! Take that, you rotten fruitmonger!

Arthur: Will you stop playing with those silly dolls?!  Sam isn't a doll. He's an action figure.  Ah, you've hurt his feelings.

Sue Ellen: Oh, great. You guys are here.  Take these. I'm giving everyone I know #2 pencils.  That way you can give me one if I forget to bring mine.

Brain: Hey, guys.  What's going on?

Sue Ellen: Pencils! Take pencils!

Arthur: Why won't you all just be quiet? It's like you WANT me to fail!

Brain: Fail what?

Buster: The S.W.E.A.T. test, of course. Aren't you nervous about it?

Brain: Why should I be? It's just reviewing stuff we already know.

Arthur: But what if we forget what we already know?

Sue Ellen: Yeah! Binky said the fear could swallow us whole!

Brain: You're getting yourselves worked up over nothing. Just relax.

Buster: Easy for you to say.

Arthur: Yeah, you never get anxious about tests.

Brain: That's not true. There's one test that makes me VERY anxious.  A blood test! Ha-ha! Get it?

Sue Ellen: Brain! This isn't a laughing matter!  Here, don't you dare forget it!

Mrs. MacGrady: Orange, Buster?

Buster: Is this a word problem?  The answer is D - all of the above!

Arthur: George, would you knock it off?  You're eating those mashed potatoes so noisily!  Can't you see I'm trying to study?!

Mrs. MacGrady: Nigel, I think this S.W.E.A.T. test has given some of your students a nasty case of the jitters.  Might I suggest something?

Mrs. MacGrady: Who here gets butterflies in the belly, right before a big game?  For me, it's when I play the keyboard in front of an audience.  Anybody else get the willies before performing?

Binky: Aye! Once me palms were so sweaty, I dropped me clarinet on me big toe!  I've got the scar to prove it!

Nigel Ratburn: Binky, International Talk Like A Pirate Day is over!

Binky: OK.

Mrs. MacGrady: The point is, we all feel stress sometimes.  Here's one way I like to deal with it.  Everyone lie on your backs.  You too, Alan.

Brain: All right, but I think this is all rather unnecessary.

Mrs. MacGrady: Follow your breath in and out.  Be aware of your toes. Are they tense at all?  Wiggle them a little. Now, move up to your ankles and your calves.  Feel all that tension in your head just melt away.  You can open your eyes now.

Sue Ellen: Wow. I feel great!

Arthur: Me too!

Buster: Wait! I still have some tension in my ear.  Ah! Now, it's gone.

Mrs. MacGrady: Whenever those heebie-jeebies...

[SNORING]

Mrs. MacGrady: ..start playing patty-whack with your nerves, you just...

Brain: [SNORES] Huh? What'd I miss?

Arthur: Just the whole relaxation class.

Brain: Oh, well, I napped instead. Same thing, right?

Brain: 17...18...19...20.  Still got half an hour before school.  Just enough time for another practice test.  Huh. Well, that was a cinch.  And now, I'll just check the answers in the back.  1 is A. Check.  2 is C. Check.  3 is also C...  Wait! That can't be right!  OK, one wrong. That's not so bad.  4 is...D?  And 5 is...B?!  How is THAT possible?!  [HE GASPS] I skipped a question!  Ugh! Why won't you erase?

Option D: B always puts up a fight. Give it some muscle!

Option B: Ooh, yeah! Right there! That's where it itches.

[PAPER TEARS]

Wilkins: It worked, Stoddard! He fell right into our trap!

Stoddard: By Jove, we've failed another one! High five, Wills!

[ALARM RINGS]

[HE GASPS]

Arthur: Brain, are you OK?

Brain: Me? Sure I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be OK?  Just because I skipped a practice question doesn't mean I'll skip one now. Right?  Oh, no! Where's my pencil?  I don't have a pencil!

Sue Ellen: Here, I brought extras.

Buster: Mr Ratburn, could we just wait a minute or two?  Brain, look at me. Take a deep breath.

Brain: Ah...huh.

Buster: Feel your toes. Say, "Relax, little toes."

Brain: OK. Relaxing phalanges.

Buster: Feel all that stress leaving your body.  Now, the stress is walking out of the classroom and out of the school.  Maybe it'll stop by the Sugar Bowl.

Nigel Ratburn: Ahem.

Buster: OK, you can open your eyes now. 

Sue Ellen: Better?

Brain: Thanks, guys. I couldn't have asked for better relaxation tutors.

Nigel Ratburn: OK, students. You may start your test now.