It's a No-Brainer/Transcript

Opening Segment

Nigel Ratburn: Now, class, there's no reason to be nervous.

Francine Frensky: Phew!

Mr. Ratburn: It's not like this is some sort of punishment.

Binky Barnes: Whew!

Arthur Read: Have you ever faced certain doom?

Mr. Ratburn: If one of you would simply volunteer for the task, you wouldn't have to go through this.

Muffy Crosswire: Whew.

Arthur: When all that stood between you and total failure....

Mr. Ratburn: Okay, boys. Last ones!

Arthur: Was a straw!

(Buster screams)

Mr. Ratburn: Congratulations, Buster! You win the supremely exciting challenge of competing against Brain in the third-grade mathathon!

Arthur: Buster?

(Brain sighs)

Title Card

IT'S A NO-BRAINER

Written by: Dietrich Smith—Storyboard by: Robert Yap

Francine: (voice-over) It's a No-Brainer.

Brain's dog: (barks)

The Brain: Hey!

#

Buster: I always knew TV and ice-cream were good foryou.

#

Binky: I just wanted to say, I really respected your ignorance.

Brain: Er, thank you, Binky.

#

Mrs. Powers: So, dear, how was your day?

Brain: Chimerical.

The parents look at each other, then Mr. Powers looks in a dictionary right behind him.

Mr. Powers: And what made it a fire breathing monster with a lion’s head, with a goat’s body…

Mrs. Powers: I think he must mean definition number two.

#

Buster, Arthur and Francine are on the swings on the school playground.

Brain: And he said he wouldn’t need any of this stuff anymore and that he should pass it on to somebody who could use it.

Francine: Who? You?

Arthur+Francine: (laugh)

Buster: Hey! I didn’t say it, Alan did! And he said Albert Einstein didn’t always get good grades when he was in school either.

Francine: Alan? Who’s Alan?

Buster: Brain is. He said from now on to call him Alan.   Arthur and Francine look shocked.

Arthur: You mean he’s not Brain anymore.     Buster puts on goggles from Brain’s stuff.

Buster: Nope.

#

In his room Brain has set up a box as a podium and uses toys as an audience.

Brain: And what's the deal with cafeteria food? Excuuuse me, but if I want slop, I can read Olga Burke’s treatise on binomial coefficients. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. And what's with substitute teachers?

Buster knocks on the door.

Arthur: Oh... hi, Brain. Can we come in?    Arthur, Buster and Francine come in. Buster is wearing Brain’s goggles.

Buster: It's Alan.

Brain: It's Alan, and, sure, guys. I can always use an audience.

Francine: What are you doing, Brain?

Buster: It's Alan.

Brain: It's Alan. A lot of things have changed. I need to be practical and train myself for a new career in comedy.

Arthur: You’re going to be a comedian?

Brain: Comedy seemed like something that wouldn’t require great intelligence.

Buster: Hey!

Brain: Watch this.     He takes a hammer out of a chest and smashes it on the box.   I just smashed an atom.

Arthur: Why have you stopped doing Brain stuff? What do you mean “things have changed”.

Brain: Everything comes to an end and besides, you’ll always have Buster.     Buster walks into the door.

Buster: Ow!

Francine: Are you crazy?

Brain: No, just practical. And willing to face “facts”.   He holds up a fax.    No use crying over spilled milk.    He takes out a jug of milk.

Francine: Stop him!

Brain: I know. You're right. I need a red nose.     He puts on a red nose.

#

The Math-athon. Brain competes against Beulah McInnerny and the rat from third grade. Applause.

Mr. Haney: All right. First question.     Brain’s Brain is lifting weights.

Brain’s Brain: Don't be scared! Don’t be scared! Don't be scared!

Buster: I am so glad Ratburn let Brain take my place.

Mr. Haney: Define pi.     Brain nervously pushes the buzzer.

Brain: Um... Uh... The, uh... ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter?

Mr. Haney: Correct.

Crowd: (cheers)    Brain and Arthur give each other the thumbs up.

Inside Buster’s head his brain eats ice-cream and watches TV. The phone rings.

Buster’s Brain: Yeah?

Brain’s Brain: Hey, thanks, bunny. We did it.

Buster’s Brain: "We?!" Who is this? How did you get this number? Operator? Operator?!