Phony Fern/Transcript

Introduction

Virgule Watteau (Fern) and Bastings (George) run up a flight of stairs.

Watteau: Quickly, Bastings, I feel we may already be too late.   The Baron is leaning out of an upstairs window and holding something.

Baron: (laughs)   Watteau and Bastings come in.   Ah, Virgule Watteau, I knew you would find me here.

Watteau: And I knew that you knew. You see, Baron, Virgule Watteau, she is always one step ahead. Arrest that kidnapper, Bastings.     Bastings advances holding handcuffs.

Baron: Not this time, Watteau, not if you want to see your dearest friend alive again.  

Watteau: Hh!    The Baron points at whatever he is holding out of the window. A crowd has gathered below.   One false move and I'll drop him.  (laughs)     Watteau looks shocked.

Bastings: Atchoo!     The Baron accidentally drops what he is holding.

Watteau: Oh, no!

Bastings: Sorry, there must be a cat in here.

Watteau: Bastings, he dropped him. I'll apprehend the Baron, you get to the street, Bastings.

Bastings: This will be quicker than the stairs.     He ties a rope to a window and tries to abseil down, but falls.    Ooah!     Watteau advances on the Baron. When he runs away, she throws a lasso after him.

Bastings is outside dangling on his rope. Watteau has tied the baron to a railing.

Man: Look, Virgule Watteau has got the Baron. She's done it again!

Crowd: (cheer)     Watteau sadly looks at something on the ground. The crowd looks on sympathetically.

Watteau: But at what cost? My dearest friend in the world. No-one will ever know how I felt about you, my pauvre little Portilex 360 with wireless chatback and 157 ring tones.       She removes a blanket from the remains of a cellphone. She holds the pieces in her hand and presses a button.     Speak to me! Why???

Title Card: Fern Writes

Muffy and Fern are sitting next to each other in a movie theater.

Girl (in movie): Oh, Bamboo, you're the best elephant a little girl could ever have.    Muffy’s cellphone rings. She takes it out.

Muffy: It's my brother. He's calling from college.    Hi, Chip, how's Tallahassee Tech? Did you make captain of the swim team?

Man: Shh!           Several people look annoyed. Fern slides down in her seat.

Muffy: Sure, I can talk, the movie's almost over.    U-huh.    

Man: Shh!          

Muffy: No!    That's so unfair!

Fern: Sorry!        Most people around Muffy, including Fern, leave.

Muffy: You have to tell Daddy, you know he paid for their badminton court.

#

Muffy and Fern sit inside Chickin Lickin’.

Fern: I was really glad you invited me to the movies, but I wish you'd turned your phone off. I mean, I don't even know how it ended.

Muffy: Huh? Oh, the elephant dies. It's really sad.   (laughs)

Fern: Muffy, what are you looking at?         Muffy holds up her cellphone.

Muffy: I'm just texting Bailey.

Fern: But he's right outside.     Bailey stands in front of the window holding a cellphone.

Muffy: Oh, I didn't notice. "I C U, Bailey."   (laughs)       Fern leaves looking peeved.

#

Fern walks down the street with Buster who is eating carrot sticks out of a plastic bag.

Fern: She was more interested in that phone than in me. It was infuriating. What's so great about cellphones, anyway?

Buster: They make life easier. You don't have to carry around change for payphones.

Fern: But people are on them constantly. Just look around you.    Two people sit in a café.    He's using one, so is she. A girl on a skateboard drives by.   And her.      An adult and two preschool age children are holding cellphones.    And him!    The Mighty Mountain team walks along, all holding cellphones. And all of them!     Fern and Buster walk by Mr. Crosswire’s car. He is on his cellphone.  They all have little machines plastered to their ears.      

Several people at the bus stop are using their cellphone as the bus arrives. The bus has a cellphone ad on the side. A mother is dragging a little boy past a cellphone shop.

Buster: You're right! It's like the phones are controlling them, altering their brainwaves and turning them into a species of babbling robots!      Buster’s cellphone rings.   Agh!     Mom? I'm on my way. Get off the phone before it turns you into a robot!     He dumps he carrots in Fern’s hands.   Here, have some carrots.    He puts his cellphone in the plastic bag and runs off.

Fern: You'll never see me with one of those things!    Something rings. Fern looks at the carrot in her hand. A man walks past her taking out his cellphone.

#

Fern and her parents are in their living room. A new cellphone is lying on the table.

Mr. Walters: Now, it's only for emergencies.

Mrs. Walters: Or if I wanna reach you because I'm running late to pick you up from school.

Mr. Walters: Or if I'm away on business trip and you just want to say hello.    Fern picks up the phone. It snaps open, hitting her nose.

Fern: Ow!

Mrs. Walters: But don't use it too much, okay, honey?

Fern: Trust me, I won't.      Fern puts the phone down.

Mrs. Walters: You don't like it? Did I get the wrong color? They had one with polka dots. I could exchange it.

Fern: Oh, no, Mom, it's perfect. Thank you.    She picks up the phone and leaves the room.

Mr. Walters: Ferny, don't forget the instruction booklet.