Phony Fern/Transcript

Introduction

Virgule Watteau (Fern) and Bastings (George) run up a flight of stairs.

Watteau: Quickly, Bastings, I feel we may already be too late.   The Baron is leaning out of an upstairs window and holding something.

Baron: (laughs)   Watteau and Bastings come in.   Ah, Virgule Watteau, I knew you would find me here.

Watteau: And I knew that you knew. You see, Baron, Virgule Watteau, she is always one step ahead. Arrest that kidnapper, Bastings.     Bastings advances holding handcuffs.

Baron: Not this time, Watteau, not if you want to see your dearest friend alive again.  

Watteau: Hh!    The Baron points at whatever he is holding out of the window. A crowd has gathered below.   One false move and I'll drop him.  (laughs)     Watteau looks shocked.

Bastings: Atchoo!     The Baron accidentally drops what he is holding.

Watteau: Oh, no!

Bastings: Sorry, there must be a cat in here.

Watteau: Bastings, he dropped him. I'll apprehend the Baron, you get to the street, Bastings.

Bastings: This will be quicker than the stairs.     He ties a rope to a window and tries to abseil down, but falls.    Ooah!     Watteau advances on the Baron. When he runs away, she throws a lasso after him.

Bastings is outside dangling on his rope. Watteau has tied the baron to a railing.

Man: Look, Virgule Watteau has got the Baron. She's done it again!

Crowd: (cheer)     Watteau sadly looks at something on the ground. The crowd looks on sympathetically.

Watteau: But at what cost? My dearest friend in the world. No-one will ever know how I felt about you, my pauvre little Portilex 360 with wireless chatback and 157 ring tones.       She removes a blanket from the remains of a cellphone. She holds the pieces in her hand and presses a button.     Speak to me! Why???

Title Card: Fern Writes

Muffy and Fern are sitting next to each other in a movie theater.

Girl (in movie): Oh, Bamboo, you're the best elephant a little girl could ever have.    Muffy’s cellphone rings. She takes it out.

Muffy: It's my brother. He's calling from college.    Hi, Chip, how's Tallahassee Tech? Did you make captain of the swim team?

Man: Shh!           Several people look annoyed. Fern slides down in her seat.

Muffy: Sure, I can talk, the movie's almost over.    U-huh.    

Man: Shh!          

Muffy: No!    That's so unfair!

Fern: Sorry!        Most people around Muffy, including Fern, leave.

Muffy: You have to tell Daddy, you know he paid for their badminton court.

#

Muffy and Fern sit inside Chickin Lickin’.

Fern: I was really glad you invited me to the movies, but I wish you'd turned your phone off. I mean, I don't even know how it ended.

Muffy: Huh? Oh, the elephant dies. It's really sad.   (laughs)

Fern: Muffy, what are you looking at?         Muffy holds up her cellphone.

Muffy: I'm just texting Bailey.

Fern: But he's right outside.     Bailey stands in front of the window holding a cellphone.

Muffy: Oh, I didn't notice. "I C U, Bailey."   (laughs)       Fern leaves looking peeved.