Buster Bombs/Transcript

Buster Baxter: Many of you know that I have a community garden full of fresh fruits and vegetables. But did you know I also have a comedy garden? Come on, I'll show you around! Here's my clown nose bush.

[HONK!]

Buster: Mmm, this one's not quite ready.

[SQUEAK-SQUEAK]

Buster: [CHUCKLES] This one's perfect! Here's where I grow the squirting flowers. Ahh...smells like comedy. [LAUGHS] And if you look over here I've got some...whoa! Forgot I put the banana peel patch here. But my most prized possession in the whole garden is this, my joke tree! Each branch bears a hysterical new joke, like this one... What's the one word a dog can say? Bark! Get it? Actually, that one's kind of old. Let's try this one. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper! Wait a minute...everyone knows that one! Why did the chicken cross the road?! That's the oldest one in the book!What's going on?! [BREATHLESSLY] This one's going to be good, I promise! What does someone say when he reaches the top of a dead tree? Ahhh! Huh? I don't get it. AHHHH!

[CRASH!]

Buster: [WHIMPERING] I-I-I'm OK!

[INTERTITLE]

Buster: So a couple of sausages are sizzling in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here?!" And the other sausage says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!"

[THEY LAUGH]

Buster: [LAUGHING] Doesn't that joke kill?!

Arthur: Ow, well, my nose sure feels dead.

Buster: And then he says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!"

[ARTHUR SNORTS]

[BINKY LAUGHS]

Arthur: Could you warn me next time?

Buster: Pretty great, huh?! Ahh, it never fails.

Buster: Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage! Get it? See? I'm a sausage and I'm talking. [IN A SAUSAGE VOICE] Hi, guys, la la la la...

Muffy: We got it the first time.

Arthur: And the second...and third.

Binky: The funny part was when water shot out of Arthur's nose! Can you do that again?

Arthur: No way! I actually never thought it was that funny. It was just that creepy image of a talking sausage...eugh! It made me snort! Are you done telling it? I'm really thirsty.

Buster: Yeah, I'm done. Finished. Kaput. [SIGHING] I think I need another dessert.

Mrs. MacGrady: Of course, you're still funny, Buster!

Buster: Ah, I don't know. That joke used to always work, now I can't even get a giggle.

Mrs. MacGrady: That's just 'cause you're using day-old bread.

Buster: No, I was using hot dogs. You think I should use bread instead?

Mrs. MacGrady: What I mean is, you need some new jokes. Would you like it if I served the same thing everyday?

Buster: Hm...could it be cake?

Mrs. MacGrady: Don't worry, Buster, you'll make them laugh again, just go get some fresh material. And this time, make it something that doesn't involve playing with your lunch!

Buster: Thanks a lot, Mrs. MacGrady.

Buster: Horst Schichter’s Compendium of Comedy - this is exactly what I need! [LAUGHS]

Buster: Hi, ladies and germs. Welcome to The Great Baxterini's Prop Comedy Show. Oh, what a great crowd! Now, remember, don't try this at home!

Binky: I am at home.

Buster: Now, you don't like to have seeds in your watermelon, do you, sir? Well, this is how I like to get them out. [LAUGHS WEAKLY] Ao-ow! Wow, does that hurt!Come back! There! Wasn't that...hysterical?!

Binky: You're going to clean this up, right?

[BUSTER SIGHS]

Buster: You know, there are things I notice every day at this school that are just hysterical, like the seesaw. It doesn't look like a sea, or a saw. Why is it called that? Maybe they should just call it the "I don't see the point saw". [LAUGHS]

Muffy: Pfff!

Buster: Hey, I've got a question for you. If fish swim in schools, do they get homework? See, it's funny because their school is not like our school...

[BRAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Buster: Hey, what's up with monkey bars? Why aren't there any monkeys...on them?

Brain: Because there are no wild monkeys in North America. I suppose one could escape from the zoo...

Muffy: Huh! That'd be scary. My dad knew someone who was bitten by a monkey once.

Brain: Oh, that can be quite dangerous, did he get a rabies shot?

Buster: Okay, okay, forget the monkey bars. Hey, you know what's funny...?

Brain: Yes, funny is an adjective. Definition - causing laughter or amusement. Synonyms are comical, humorous, droll...

Muffy: I'll tell you what funny isn't... this!

Buster: Oh, never mind.

Buster: According to Horst Schichter's Compendium Of Comedy, this HAS to get a laugh.

Arthur: I don't know, Buster. I feel kind of funny about this.

Buster: Funny is good! Hold that thought. Now let's get started.

Arthur: Are you sure you want me to?

Buster: Arthur, if you are truly my friend, you will hit me in the face with that pie. Why aren't you laughing?

Arthur: Because it wasn't funny!

Buster: Try the cherry. [CHOKING] Anything?

Arthur: Sorry. All I feel is grossed out!

Buster: I don't understand, this is supposed to be a guaranteed laugh! Oh! There's quiche in the fridge - let's try that!

Bitzi: What is going on here?!

Buster: Umm, Arthur's helping me with my comedy homework.

Buster: So I've been experimenting with all different types of comedy but no matter what I do I still can't get a laugh.

Bitzi: Well, I think you're funny.

Buster: Thanks, but you're my mom. You'd even laugh at my mitten joke.

Bitzi: What's your mitten joke?

Buster: What did the mitten say to the hat? I'll stay here, you go on ahead.

[BITZI LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Buster: See?

Bitzi: Well, I know something that'll cheer you up.

Buster: “This Sunday at Elwood City Books, comedian Vince Ruckles will sign copies of his autobiography, My Yucky Life.” Huh...Vince Ruckles, he's my hero! I have all his CDs.

Bitzi: I know. You and your father did his routines for hours and hours.

Buster: Can we go, Mom, please, please, pretty please?

Bitzi: Only if you promise never to do your comedy homework in my kitchen again!

Vince Ruckles: Molina...any relation to Stanwood Molina?

Ramon: No, who is he?

Vince: Beats me, he's not a relative of mine either. Next! Hey, kid, who do I make it out to?

Buster: Umm, Buster Baxter.

Vince: Is that two Ms in the "Umm"?

Buster: [LAUGHING] You haven't lost your touch, Mr. Ruckles. I wish I could say the same.

Vince: What happened, kid? You sprain your funny bone?

Buster: Broke it is more like it. I bet you never went through a slump where you couldn't make anyone laugh.

Vince: Are you kidding?! Read chapters 2 through 12.

Buster: What did you do about it?

Vince: I stopped TRYING to be funny.

Buster: Ha-ha-ha, that's a good one.

Vince: Actually, that wasn't a joke. Trying to be funny is like trying to have fun. The harder you try, the less fun it is.

Buster: So what do I do?

Vince: Just be yourself, if you can't do that be Whoopie Stuttlemeyer.

Buster: Who's that?

Vince: I dunno, but at least she's got a funny name! Next!

Mrs. MacGrady: I bet I know what you want, Buster. A pair of talking hot dogs?

Buster: Actually, I think I'll have the fish sticks instead.

Mrs. MacGrady: Let me guess, you've got some fish jokes up your sleeve.

Buster: A fish joke, I wish. When I look at my lunch, I just see food.

Mrs. MacGrady: Seafood! Oh-ho-ho, I get it, that's a good one!

Buster: It is? Huh, I wasn't even fishing for a laugh.

Mrs. MacGrady: Ha-ha-ha, you're on fire today!

Buster: Hey, guys.

Muffy: So, what kind of comedy are you trying today? Knock-knock jokes?

Buster: No, I'm done trying to be funny. I may never be funny again. But at least I won't have whipped cream in my ears.

[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]

Buster: What? It's true! I also found some cherry filling in my shoes. At least my feet smell good.

[ALL LAUGH]

Muffy: Is this a new stand-up routine?

Buster: No way! I'd rather do sit-ups than stand-up. And I'm never going to kick a watermelon again, only zucchinis.

Binky: Why zucchinis?

Buster: They squash.

[ALL LAUGH HEARTILY]

Buster: Thank you, Vince Ruckles. OK, can we eat lunch already? My fish sticks are turning into fish stones.

Arthur: [SNORTS] You made me do it again!

Buster: It's not my fault, stop laughing!

Arthur: You stop being funny!

Buster: I'm trying! Okay, everyone think serious thoughts.

[ALL BURST OUT LAUGHING]

Buster: That SO did not work!