The Last Tough Customer/Transcript

Big Kid #1: Hey, it's Muffin Head. Do you keep your toys in that hair?

Big Kid #2: She could keep a whole family in there.

Both Big Kid #1 and #2: Ha, ha, ha.

Big Kid #1: Seriously, Muffin Head, did you choose that haircut or was your barber just blind?

Molly: Stop it.

Big Kid #2: Aw, I think we hurt the widdle girl's feewings.

Big Kid #1: We're sorry, Muffin Head, it's not your fault you have weird hair.  You probably just have a weird head.

Molly: Why do you two keep teasing me?

Big Kid #2: Hey, we just call it like we see it.

Big Kid #1: Besides, I'm doing you a favour.

Big Kid #2: This castle stinks, too, it doesn't even have a moat.

Big Kid #1: Come on, let's get out of here.

Bully #2: Oh, man, I got sand in my shoe.

Otis??: Hey, are you OK?

Molly: Get lost!

Binky: Hey, Fern, I bet you don't want to eat that pudding.  Ha, ha, ha.

Mrs. MacGrady: Binky, the pudding is free, go get your own!

Rattles: Hey Four Eyes, going to class?

Buster: Four eyes? That was old in first grade.

Rattles: Oh, yeah? How about Big Glasses Molasses Kid!

Arthur: That doesn't even make sense! [HE SIGHS]  Come back when you have some new material.

Slink: Oh, Georgie, we've got a present for you.

George: Is it a water balloon? Go ahead.  Go ahead! It's really hot - I'd love to cool off.

Slink: I'm not giving it to you now.

George: Oh, come on, please!

Slink: No way. It's mine.  There, ha!

George: Ha, ha, ha.

Slink: I showed him, huh?

Binky: Tough Customers, we've got a problem.

Molly: Why couldn't we meet at the Tower of Pain like we always do?

Binky: Because it's time for a change, that's why I called this emergency meeting.

Rattles: Plus they've got kiwi soya milk fro-yo here.  Try some, it's delightful.

Binky: The Tough Customers used to get noticed but since our school's been bully-proofed, it's like we don't even exist.  So I propose we change.

Molly: Change what?

Binky: Everything - our name, our attitude, our very reason for being.  From now on, no more bullying.

[THEY ALL GASP]

Slink: But what would we do instead?

Binky: I don't know yet.

Rattles: What about menacing? Can we still menace?

Binky: No, it's the same thing as bullying.

Rattles: Well, technically, Binks, menacing is threatening in a particularly aggressive manner, while bullying is using superior strength or influence...

Molly: If you don't zip it, I'm going to dump that fro-yo on your head.

Slink: Was that menacing or bullying?

Molly: We can't change. We called ourselves Tough Customers for a reason.  Because we're tough.

Slink: And customers. Cheque, please!

Binky: But Molly, being tough just isn't working any more. Watch.  Give me another free scoop or I'll twist you into a pretzel!

Brain: Ha, ha, that's physically impossible.

Binky: See?

Rattles: Binks is right, we need to rebrand.  That's what companies do when they want to change their image.  My dad's in marketing.

Slink: OK, so what's our new image?

Binky: I've got it!

[RATTLES GRUNTS]

Slink: One!  Check that out!

George: What am I looking at?

Slink: That is sheer muscle.

Rattles: George, say hello to the Buff Customers...the strongest kids in school.  Watch this. Binks, hand me that stick.  [HE STRAINS]  Actually, hand me that other one, this one must be petrified.

George: Ha, ha, ha!

Rattles: What are you laughing at?

George: Nothing, it's just you guys look kind of silly.

Molly: Yeah? Well, you look like a coat rack, moose boy.  Why don't you run along and read a book?  Oh, wait, I forgot, you can't read.

George: I can read. [HE SNIFFS]

Binky: That was a little harsh.

Molly: Hey, I just call it like I see it.  I told you the Buff Customers was a bad idea.

Rattles: She's right, Binks, we're just not cut out to be bodybuilders.  I think I pulled my latissimus.

Binky: Oh, I guess it's time we consulted a professional.

Muffy: It's not going to be easy. You four have terrible reputations.  Mean, gross, rude and downright peculiar.  Still, there may be something I can do.  All right, let's get the paperwork out of the way.  Muffy Crosswire LLC will get 75% of all income generated from the rebranded Tough Customers in perpetuity, blah, blah, blah.

Molly: 75%?  For what?

Muffy: For turning four ragtag talentless thugs into a global sensation.

Muffy: Testing, testing.  It is with great pleasure that I introduce to you the up-and-coming pop megastars, MCTC - Muffy Crosswire's Tough Customers!

Binky: # Oh, darlin', we're no longer tough and mean # We changed our image into a pre-teen's dream # We gave up our teasing and took up some pleasing # And now we're what you see

Slink: # Four open hearts

Rattles: # Singing for love

Binky, Slink and Rattles: # In a band called MCTC

Binky: # Yeah. #

Muffy: Thank you, thank you. Donations please.  Molly, what's up? You didn't sing.

Molly: Yeah, and I'm not going to either.  This is the dumbest idea I've ever participated in.

Muffy: Hey, dry cleaning isn't cheap. This is coming out of your change.

Molly: I don't want your money, I just want our old group back again, doing what we do best.

Muffy: What's that?

Molly: Getting our way.

Muffy: Oh! Well I never!

Molly: Come on, James.

Muffy: I quit and you're all fired!

Rattles: What do we do now?

Slink: I have an idea.  It's a long shot but I guess it's worth a try.

Slink: We realise that noise can be a real problem in the library.  That's where the Shush Customers come in.  If you make noise, we shush you.  Behold, a demonstration.

Binky: Hello? Sure I can talk, I'm in the library.

Rattles: Ssh!

Slink: See? Instant quiet.

[ARTHUR SLAMS BOOK]

Binky: Ssh!

Arthur: Agh!

[BRAIN CRINKLES PAGE]

Slink:  Ssh!

[FERN RUSTLES WRAPPER]

Rattles: Ssh!

Fern: Sorry.

Binky: Ssh!

Slink: All quiet in the reading room. How about the stacks?

[LAUGHTER]

Binky, Rattles and Slink: Ssh!

Arthur: Talking is allowed in here - it's the story area.

Slink: Well, no-one told the Shush Customers.

Rattles: Would it kill you to do a little mime instead?

Molly: Ha! Oh, please - that's even worse than Muffy's idea.

Binky: At least we're trying something.  Why are you so stuck on bullying, anyway?

Molly: Because I want respect.  Come on, James. Let's get away from these losers.

James: I want to get some water.  Get away - it's my turn, loser!

Molly: James, what did you do that for?

James: I don't know, it's what YOU do.

Molly: Hey, we're really sorry - he didn't mean to...James, listen to me, it's not OK to act that way.  I know I've done it but it's wrong. I don't want you to be a bully.  Can you tell her you're sorry?

James: Well, are you going to say you're sorry to the kids you bullied?

Molly: Yes. Yes, I am.

Molly: "It's a long story why I started bullying people.  I think because it happened to me, but that's no excuse.  I've been mean and I've hurt some of you and I'm really, really sorry.  So I'm going to try to be better.  I don't just want to be respected, I want to be liked, too.  And I know I have to earn that.  Anyway, your friend, Molly."

Rattles: It feels good to all be back together again.

Slink: And to be doing what we're good at, being tough.

Binky: Tough Consumers.

Molly: I got this one.  Excuse me, sir...did you know that this Chickin Lickin' underpays its employees and you can get a whole chicken at the supermarket for half the price?  And the fat content in those Crispy Dippin' Lickin' Sticks...?