Editing Buster Bombs/Transcript

'''[[Buster Baxter]]''': Many of you know that I have a community garden full of fresh fruits and vegetables. But did you know I also have a comedy garden? Come on, I'll show you around! Here's my clown nose bush.

[HONK!]

'''Buster''': Mmm, this one's not quite ready.

[SQUEAK-SQUEAK]

'''Buster''': [CHUCKLES] This one's perfect! Here's where I grow the squirting flowers. Ahh...smells like comedy. [LAUGHS] And if you look over here I've got some...whoa! Forgot I put the banana peel patch here. But my most prized possession in the whole garden is this, my joke tree! Each branch bears a hysterical new joke, like this one... What's the one word a dog can say? Bark! Get it? Actually, that one's kind of old. Let's try this one. What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper! Wait a minute...everyone knows that one! Why did the chicken cross the road?! That's the oldest one in the book!What's going on?! [BREATHLESSLY] This one's going to be good, I promise! What does someone say when he reaches the top of a dead tree? Ahhh! Huh? I don't get it. AHHHH!

[CRASH!]

'''Buster''': [WHIMPERING] I-I-I'm OK!

'''Buster''': So a couple of sausages are sizzling in a frying pan. One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here?!" And the other sausage says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!"

[THEY LAUGH]

'''Buster''': [LAUGHING] Doesn't that joke kill?!

'''Arthur''': Ow, well, my nose sure feels dead.

'''Buster''': And then he says, "Oh, my gosh - a talking sausage!"

[ARTHUR SNORTS]

[BINKY LAUGHS]

'''Arthur''': Could you warn me next time?

'''Buster''': Pretty great, huh?! Ahh, it never fails.

'''Muffy''': We got it the first time.

'''Arthur''': And the second...and third.

'''Binky''': The funny part was when water shot out of Arthur's nose! Can you do that again?

'''Arthur''': No way! I actually never thought it was that funny. It was just that creepy image of a talking sausage...eugh! It made me snort! Are you done telling it? I'm really thirsty.

'''Buster''': Yeah, I'm done. Finished. Kaput. [SIGHING] I think I need another dessert.

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': Of course, you're still funny, Buster!

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': That's just 'cause you're using day-old bread.

'''Buster''': No, I was using hot dogs. You think I should use bread instead?

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': What I mean is, you need some new jokes. Would you like it if I served the same thing everyday?

'''Buster''': Hm...could it be cake?

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': Don't worry, Buster, you'll make them laugh again, just go get some fresh material. And this time, make it something that doesn't involve playing with your lunch!

'''Buster''': Thanks a lot, Mrs. MacGrady.

'''Buster''': Horst Schichter's ''Compendium of Comedy'' - this is exactly what I need! [LAUGHS]

'''Buster''': Hi, ladies and germs. Welcome to The Great Baxterini's Prop Comedy Show. Oh, what a great crowd! Now, remember, don't try this at home!

'''Buster''': Now, you don't like to have seeds in your watermelon, do you, sir? Well, this is how I like to get them out. [LAUGHS WEAKLY] Ao-ow! Wow, does that hurt!Come back! There! Wasn't that...hysterical?!

'''Buster''': You know, there are things I notice every day at this school that are just hysterical, like the seesaw. It doesn't look like a sea, or a saw. Why is it called that? Maybe they should just call it the "I don't see the point saw". [LAUGHS]

'''Muffy''': Pfff!

'''Buster''': Hey, I've got a question for you. If fish swim in schools, do they get homework? See, it's funny because their school is not like our school...

[BRAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT]

'''Brain''': Because there are no wild monkeys in North America. I suppose one could escape from the zoo...

'''Muffy''': Huh! That'd be scary. My dad knew someone who was bitten by a monkey once.

'''Brain''': Oh, that can be quite dangerous, did he get a rabies shot?

'''Brain''': Yes, funny is an adjective. Definition - causing laughter or amusement. Synonyms are comical, humorous, droll...

'''Muffy''': I'll tell you what funny isn't... this!

'''Buster''': Oh, never mind.

'''Buster''': According to Horst Schichter's ''Compendium Of Comedy'', this HAS to get a laugh.

'''Arthur''': I don't know, Buster. I feel kind of funny about this.

'''Buster''': Funny is good! Hold that thought. Now let's get started.

'''Arthur''': Are you sure you want me to?

'''Buster''': Arthur, if you are truly my friend, you will hit me in the face with that pie. Why aren't you laughing?

'''Buster''': Try the cherry. [CHOKING] Anything?

'''Arthur''': Sorry. All I feel is grossed out!

'''Buster''': I don't understand, this is supposed to be a guaranteed laugh! Oh! There's quiche in the fridge - let's try that!

'''Bitzi''': What is going on here?!

'''Buster''': Umm, Arthur's helping me with my comedy homework.

'''Buster''': So I've been experimenting with all different types of comedy but no matter what I do I still can't get a laugh.

'''Bitzi''': Well, I think you're funny.

'''Buster''': Thanks, but you're my mom. You'd even laugh at my mitten joke.

'''Bitzi''': What's your mitten joke?

'''Buster''': What did the mitten say to the hat? I'll stay here, you go on ahead.

'''Bitzi''': Well, I know something that'll cheer you up.

'''Buster''': “This Sunday at Elwood City Books, comedian Vince Ruckles will sign copies of his autobiography, ''My Yucky Life''.” Huh...Vince Ruckles, he's my hero! I have all his CDs.

'''Bitzi''': I know. You and your father did his routines for hours and hours.

'''Buster''': Can we go, Mom, please, please, pretty please?

'''Bitzi''': Only if you promise never to do your comedy homework in my kitchen again!

'''Ramon''': No, who is he?

'''Vince''': Beats me, he's not a relative of mine either. Next! Hey, kid, who do I make it out to?

'''Buster''': Umm, Buster Baxter.

'''Vince''': Is that two Ms in the "Umm"?

'''Buster''': [LAUGHING] You haven't lost your touch, Mr. Ruckles. I wish I could say the same.

'''Vince''': What happened, kid? You sprain your funny bone?

'''Vince''': Are you kidding?! Read chapters 2 through 12.

'''Buster''': What did you do about it?

'''Vince''': I stopped TRYING to be funny.

'''Buster''': Ha-ha-ha, that's a good one.

'''Vince''': Actually, that wasn't a joke. Trying to be funny is like trying to have fun. The harder you try, the less fun it is.

'''Buster''': So what do I do?

'''Vince''': Just be yourself, if you can't do that be Whoopie Stuttlemeyer.

'''Buster''': Who's that?

'''Vince''': I dunno, but at least she's got a funny name! Next!

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': I bet I know what you want, Buster. A pair of talking hot dogs?

'''Buster''': Actually, I think I'll have the fish sticks instead.

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': Let me guess, you've got some fish jokes up your sleeve.

'''Buster''': A fish joke, I wish. When I look at my lunch, I just see food.

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': Seafood! Oh-ho-ho, I get it, that's a good one!

'''Buster''': It is? Huh, I wasn't even fishing for a laugh.

'''Mrs. MacGrady''': Ha-ha-ha, you're on fire today!

'''Buster''': Hey, guys.

'''Buster''': No, I'm done trying to be funny. I may never be funny again. But at least I won't have whipped cream in my ears.

'''Buster''': What? It's true! I also found some cherry filling in my shoes. At least my feet smell good.

'''Muffy''': Is this a new stand-up routine?

'''Buster''': No way! I'd rather do sit-ups than stand-up. And I'm never going to kick a watermelon again, only zucchinis.

'''Binky''': Why zucchinis?

'''Buster''': They squash.

'''Buster''': Thank you, Vince Ruckles. OK, can we eat lunch already? My fish sticks are turning into fish stones.

'''Arthur''': [SNORTS] You made me do it again!

'''Buster''': It's not my fault, stop laughing!

'''Buster''': I'm trying! Okay, everyone think serious thoughts.

'''Buster''': That SO did not work!