Editing Background Blues/Transcript

=== Introduction ===
''A futuristic version of Arthur is working on what looks like a tablet computer, which creates a hologram of a tower in front of him. A robot dog jumps into his lap.''

'''R4: '''Hi, Hal. How's it going, boy?     ''A futuristic D.W. floats into the room.''

'''3W: '''(giggles)'''  '''Look out, R4!       ''She knocks him over. The hologram disappears.''

'''R4: '''3W!!

''A futuristic Mrs. Read is talking to a futuristic Bitzi Baxter on a video phone in the kitchen.''

'''Mother: '''And I got the kids’ mittens on sale for only three million dollars!

'''R4: '''Mom, 3W deleted my hologram!

'''Mother:''' Why don't you do your homework instead of fighting with 3W?

''R4 sits at a computer in his room. He presses the “homework” key.''

'''Computer:''' Homework done.      ''3W comes in.''

'''3W: '''R4, will you play virtual flingy with me? Please, please, please, ''pleease''?

'''R4: '''All right, quit gleebing!

''R4 and 3W stand in the living room wearing virtual goggles. They pretend to throw something.''

'''R4: '''Hng.

'''3W: '''Stop throwing it so hard. You're hurting me!

'''R4: '''No, I'm not! It's all in your imagination.    ''The mother comes in.''

'''Mother:''' All right, you two. I want you to sit on the barkazoid and watch a datagram.   

''The kids sit down.'' ''The mother gets a data carrier from a shelf with a picture of the present-day Arthur and the label “53B”. She puts it into a machine. ''

'''R4: '''What is it?

'''Mother:''' It belonged to your great-grandfather. They used to call them videos. You can see what life was like in ancient times.    

''The machine creates a projection of the “Family Photo” title card with the title “Background Blues”.''

''Cut to the actual title card.''

=== Title Card: Family Photo ===
''Mr. Ratburn points to a family tree on the blackboard.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' For next week, I’d like you to research your family history and present it to the class. I found out some very interesting things about the Ratburns. As we can see, the Ratburn line can be traced far back into history.

''The kids have a fantasy of Mr. Ratburn standing on a snowy plain dressed like Napoleon.''

'''Napoleon Ratburn:''' Travaillez plus! Travaillez plus!   [Subtitle: Work Harder! Work Harder!]   ''The kids in French uniforms are setting up a cannon.''

'''Arthur:''' What?

''Another fantasy shows Mr. Ratburn sitting on a throne wearing a toga and a laurel wreath while the kids are creating a marble statue of him.''

'''Ratburn Cesar:''' Laborate plus diligente!  [Subtitle: Work Harder!]

''In ancient Egypt the kids are pulling a huge stone block. Mr. Ratburn is dressed like a pharaoh. He creates a speech bubble with Egyptian hieroglyphs. ''[Subtitle: Work Harder!]

''The fantasies end.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' And so I’ve learned that the Ratburns wouldn’t be where they are today without a lot of hard work. Let’s see what you find out.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''The kids are painting in art class.''

'''Muffy:''' I can't wait to get started. I bet that I'll find lots of kings, queens and princesses in the Crosswire family.

'''Francine:''' Yeah, I’m sure I'll find some really famous Frenskys. Maybe one was a really important explorer''.   She has a fantasy of an older version of herself riding in a canoe.''   What if my great-grandmother discovered the land route to the Pacific Ocean?

'''Muffy:''' Sorry, Francine, but I think Lewis and Clark did that.

'''Francine:''' Oh, well. Maybe she helped them.      ''In her fantasy Lewis and Clark replace her in the canoe.''

'''Clark:''' (pants)  have to stop, Lewis. I can barely move my arms.    

'''Lewis:''' You said it, Clark. I'm bushed.    ''A (nonanthropomorphic) bear stands on the bank.''

'''Clark:''' A bear! We're done for!

'''Lewis:''' You're right, Clark! This is the end!        ''An older version of Francine in a dress and apron appears beside the bear.''

'''Ma Frensky:''' Keep your shirts on, boys!

'''Lewis+Clark:''' It's Ma Frensky!     ''Ma Frensky and the bear wrestle on the ground.''

'''Ma Frensky:''' (Take that! Take that!)

'''Lewis+Clark:''' (Go, Ma Frensky! Get him! Come on!)     ''Ma Frensky pins the bear to the ground. It stops struggling.''

'''Ma Frensky:''' One, two, three, four, five… six, seven, eight, nine, ten! I win!    ''She and the bear get up and shake hands. Then the bear leaves.     ''Now I want you boys to follow this route till you hit the Pacific Ocean.

'''Lewis:''' Great idea!

'''Clark:''' Why didn't we think of that?

'''Ma Frensky:''' And stay out of trouble, you hear?!

''The fantasy ends.''

'''Muffy:'''  bet my ancestor gave your ancestor a medal for being so brave. He was probably the president at the time.

'''Francine:''' Oh yeah? Well, I bet my relatives were the presidents before and after him.

'''Arthur:''' You guys, it's not a contest.

'''Buster:''' Yeah, I'm sure we're all related to some really interesting people

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Buster has dinner with his mother.''

'''Buster:''' Grandpa was a tollbooth operator? Wow! And what did his father do?

'''Mrs. Baxter:''' (sighs) I don't know what my grandfather did. I never asked him. Now I really wish I had.

'''Buster:''' I'll check in the library. I bet I can find some stuff about him there

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''On a microform reader in the library Arthur looks at a black and white image of a man in a cheese shop. Buster sits beside him.''

'''Arthur:''' Cool! My great-uncle owned a cheese shop. That makes three uncles I found so far.

'''Buster:''' Gee. I'd settle for a second cousin. I haven't found anything about my ancestors.   ''Muffy approaches.''

'''Muffy:''' Hi, guys. Do you know where the Crosswire section is?    

'''Arthur:''' Huh?

'''Buster:''' Huh?

'''Muffy:''' Oh, never mind, I'll just ask Miss Turner.

''Miss Turner checks her computer.''

'''Miss Turner:''' No, I'm sorry. We don't seem to have any books on the Crosswires.

'''Muffy:''' But this is a library. You’re supposed to have books on important people.    ''Francine comes with a paper.''

'''Francine:''' Hey, Muffy. Guess what I just found out. My grandfather owned a castle.

'''Muffy:''' Really?

'''Francine:''' Yep. There's an article on it in this paper. What d'you find out?

'''Muffy:''' Oh, the Crosswires are too important to be in this public library. We have our own private archives.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''At the Crosswire mansion. Muffy is holding a shoebox while her mother is knitting on the couch and her father is reading a newspaper.''

'''Muffy:''' This is it? But where are the books about us, and what about the family jewels?

'''Mrs. Crosswire:''' Oh, there’s nothing like that. We're just plain folks, honey.

'''Muffy:''' Mother, how can you say such a thing?

'''Mr. Crosswire:''' You should visit your great-aunt, Olga Crump. She'll know some interesting things about the family.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Francine, Arthur and Buster stand in front of the ice-cream shop. Buster is holding a battered lunchbox. ''

'''Buster:''' It's my grandfather's lunchbox. My mom found it last night.

'''Arthur:''' At least now you have a visual aid.

'''Buster:''' Yeah, for the world's shortest report! I can't even open it. It's stuck.   

''The Crosswire limousine stops beside them.''

'''Muffy:''' Hi, guys! How's the report going, Francine?

'''Francine:''' Great! I just learned that my grandfather's grandfather was an adviser to President Lincoln.   

'''Muffy:''' Oh… Well, I'm off to visit my great-aunt. She's a princess. Bye!    ''The limousine drives on.''    It wasn't really a lie. She could be a princess. Wait a minute! She's too old to be a princess. She'd have to be a queen! And if she’s a queen then maybe I’m… a princess!

''In her imagination she runs up to an old lady with a crown sitting in front of a castle that vaguely resembles Saint Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. She bends her knee.''

'''Muffy:''' I'm sorry I'm late, Your Highness. The limo had a flat.

'''Queen Olga:''' Is that you, Anastasia?

'''Muffy:''' No. It's Muffy!

'''Queen Olga:''' Ah, well, you'll do.   Crown her!    ''The queen’s two guard put a crown on Muffy’s head. The Muffy and the queen walk up the stairs to the castle.''

'''Muffy:''' So I'm actually the long-lost princess of Translatvia? Cool!  

''The limousine stops in front of Olga Crump’s house. Bailey opens the door.''

'''Muffy:''' Oh no! Are you sure this is the right address?   ''In front of her is a ramshackle house with garden gnomes and plastic flamingos in the yard.''

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Muffy I sitting in Olga Crump’s living room.''

'''Olga Crump:''' The Crosswires used to sell used horses, and after that it was used carts. And now it's used cars! (chuckles)''    She holds up a garden gnome. ''   Er, this is Juniper. I thought you might want him for your report.

'''Muffy:''' Thanks. Francine probably has something from Abraham Lincoln!

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Francine is sitting in Granpa Frensky’s kitchen holding a black-and-white photograph of a barber.''

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''And''' '''Vingal Frensky advised Abe Lincoln to trim his beard, and guess what, he did! Want the photo to show your class?

'''Francine:''' Oh, that's all right, Grandpa. I'll, um, describe it to them.

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''How about this one? It's of the Hamburger Castle I used to own.    ''It shows a young man standing in front of a building that looks like a castle.''

'''Francine:''' Hm... okay.      

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''I have more stuff in the garage. I think there's a box up there with some of Lincoln's beard.   ''He goes out. Francine covers the bottom half of the photograph with her hand.''

'''Francine:''' There. Now it looks like the type of castle Muffy's family might have. I'll say the bottom was cut off.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Muffy, Buster, Francine and Arthur are sitting in the Sugar Bowl.''

'''Muffy:''' And then the Crosswires owned all of England and France, too! But they sold that to the Germans.

'''Francine:''' Get this. I have a picture of my grandpa standing outside his own castle.   

'''Muffy:''' We owned a hundred castles!

'''Francine:''' A Frensky advised Lincoln!

'''Muffy:''' So? Lincoln was my second cousin!

'''Buster:''' I think my ancestors were all taken away on a spaceship. That’s why I can’t find any.

'''Muffy:''' Oh please, Buster. That makes everything I've said sound believable!

'''Francine:''' I knew it!

'''Muffy:''' Ohh, it's no use! None of my relatives were rich or famous. The Crosswires were just… plain folks.    ''Francine touches her hand.''

'''Francine:''' That’s okay, Muffy. I bet they're still pretty interesting.

'''Muffy:''' Easy for you to say. Your relatives actually did exciting things, like own castles and advise presidents. I mean, they really did do those things, right?

'''Francine:''' Oh, yeah. Definitely. My ancestors were all really important people.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Francine sits on her bed and is about to cut the hamburger castle photograph when her grandfather looks in.''

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Hiya, Frankie. I found some more photos for you. There are some terrific pictures of the inside of the Hamburger Castle.    ''He comes in with a photo album and puts it on a table.''

'''Francine:''' Uh... thanks, Grandpa.

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''My pleasure, Frankie.''' '''I'm sure it's going to be a great report. Make the Frenskys proud. Goodnight.

'''Francine:''' Goodnight, Grandpa.    ''He walks out. Francine takes out the scissors.''      Oh. Grandpa would be really hurt if he knew I was trying to make the Frenskys seem more exciting. Maybe I should just tell the truth.

''In her imagination she is presenting the photo album to the class.''

'''Francine:''' Here's my grandfather making a hamburger. Here he is mopping. This is a picture of a salt shaker.      ''All students are asleep except Muffy.''

'''Class:''' (snore)

'''Muffy:''' (laughs) And I thought ''my'' relatives were boring!

''The fantasy ends. Francine cuts the photo in half.''

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''Mr. Frensky opens the door to Grandpa Frensky holding a potted plant.''

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Hiya, son. I just stopped by to give you this palmetto and wish Francine good luck with her report.

'''Mr. Frensky: '''She just left, Dad.   

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Oh. She left the photo album behind. She's gonna need that.

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''In class Muffy has hired Wolf Blitzen (an actual wolf based on Wolf Blitzer) to give her report. He shows slides.''

'''Wolf Blitzen:''' And so, from covered wagons to Cadillacs, the Crosswires have kept the transport industry alive and thriving in the United States for over a hundred years. And that's the way it was. This has been Wolf Blitzen. Thank you and good day.    ''The children clap. He leaves the room.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' That was very impressive, Muffy. Francine, you’re next.

''Francine goes to the front carrying a bag and moves the screen to the side.''

'''Francine:''' A lot of my relatives were really important. But the most important one was Vingal Frensky. He was an advisor to Abraham Lincoln. I will now give you a dramatic recreation of one of their really important conversations.    ''She puts on a black top hat and fake beard. Her Grandpa comes in.''

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Francine!   

'''Francine:''' Hh!   ''She looks frightened.''   

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Sorry to interrupt, folks.  Here, Frankie. You left this at home and I thought you might need it.    ''He puts the photo album on the teacher’s desk.''

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Would you like to stay for the report, Mr. Frensky? Francine was just about to start.

'''Grandpa Frensky: '''Like to? I'd love to!    ''He takes a seat. Francine looks undecided.''

'''Francine:''' Er…  er… This is a picture of my grandfather's castle. I mean, Hamburger Castle.

'''Buster:''' A Hamburger Castle! Cool! Which one?

'''Francine:''' The one right outside Elwood City.

'''Arthur:''' Hey, I've eaten there!

'''Brain:''' Hey, I love those burgers!

'''Francine:''' And Vingal Frensky ''did'' advise Abe Lincoln once, but it was just to trim his beard. He was a barber. I’ve actually got a box here with some bits of his beard.    ''She searches her bag. Several children come to the front.''

'''Class:''' (Wow!    I want to see it!     Lincoln’s hairs!)

'''Mr. Ratburn:''' Fascinating.    ''Grandpa Frensky and Francine give each other a thumbs up.''

<nowiki>#</nowiki>

''After the report in class.''

'''Muffy:''' That was a great report, Francine. You’re sure your relatives didn’t own a real castle.

'''Francine:''' Yeah.

'''Muffy:''' You're such a good friend!

''Buster comes to the front with his grandfather’s lunchbox.''

'''Buster:''' I thought all I’d have to show you would be my grandfather’s lunchbox and my report would be boring. But then I found this sandwich inside.    ''He takes it out.''   It's from 1955!    ''He takes a bite.''   Mmm! Baloney!

'''Class:''' Eugh!

[[Category:Transcripts]]
[[Category:Season 3 transcripts]]