Editing Arthur and the Real Mr. Ratburn/Transcript

[A group of students is huddled outside [[Francis Haney|Mr. Haney]]'s office.]

'''[[Arthur Read|Arthur]]:''' Mr. Haney is about to post a list that tells us which teacher we'll get this year.

[Mr. Haney enters with the list. The students gasp and murmur in anticipation.]

'''Arthur:''' Uh-oh.

'''Mr. Haney:''' Oh! Forgot a tack. [reenters office]

'''[[Francine Frensky|Francine]] and [[Binky Barnes|Binky]]:''' Huh?!

[Students groan.]

'''Arthur:''' There are three teachers for third grade: [[Miss Sweetwater]], she's nice; [[Mrs. Fink]], she's fun...

'''[[Nigel Ratburn|Ratburn]]:''' [[Billy]], name three oceans.

'''Arthur:''' ...and Mr. Ratburn, the toughest, scariest teacher in school—no, in the whole world—no, in the whole ''history'' of the world.

[Mr. Haney pins the list to the billboard.]

'''Student:''' Oh, here comes the list.

'''Francine:''' Let's go look. Arthur, we're... in the Rat's class!

[Arthur, [[Buster Baxter|Buster]], Binky, [[Alan Powers|Brain]], and [[Maria Pappas|Maria]] scream. Binky faints.]

'''Arthur:''' Maybe you read the list wrong, Francine. Let me look. You're right. It's Ratburn!

[On the baseball field]

'''Buster:''' Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn...

[On the soccer field]

'''Francine:''' Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn... Ratburn...

[A soccer ball bounces off her head and lands in the goal.]

'''Francine:''' Ratburn... Ratburn...

[Walking down the sidewalk]

'''Arthur:''' Ratburn... Ratburn...

'''[[Mrs. Powers]]:''' Free samples of a new flavor, rocky road. All you can eat!

'''Brain:''' Maybe he's not as rigorous as everyone says.

'''Francine:''' [[Prunella Deegan|Prunella]] had him last year. Let's ask her.

'''Prunella:''' [laughs] "Is the Rat bad?" Does a bull fight? He eats nails for breakfast...

[The others gasp.]

'''Prunella:''' ...without milk!

[Ratburn is seen pouring a bowl of nails. He eats a spoonful, stopping to pull a screw out of his mouth and toss it away. He then eats the spoon.]

'''Prunella:''' And make sure you never answer any questions wrong... or he'll send you to death row.

'''Arthur:''' Death row?

[Arthur is seen locked in a dungeon.]

'''Ratburn:''' Have you done your math exercises?

'''Arthur:''' I did the first 5000, sir.

'''Ratburn:''' Then you have 9,995,000 left! Get to work! And after that, you have 37,000,000 spelling words to memorize. And you spiders, get moving!

[Spiders are seen spinning a web that looks like a map of the world.]

'''Prunella:''' And he's also a weird vampire... with hypnotic, magic powers.

[Ratburn is seen opening his casket at the front of the class.]

'''Ratburn:''' You are in my power.

'''Students:''' We do not like recess.

'''Prunella:''' Well, good luck!

[In Ratburn's classroom]

'''Ratburn:''' Good morning, everyone. Welcome to grade three. My name is Mr. Ratburn.

'''Arthur:''' He doesn't look so bad.

'''Francine:''' It's probably a trick.

'''Ratburn:''' Let's start with a two-minute math quiz to see what you remember from second grade.

'''Francine:''' I told you it was a trick.

[Ratburn hands out the quiz. Arthur sees Mrs. Sweetwater's class having fun and eating popcorn, while Mrs. Fink's is exercising to the beat of a boombox.]

'''Mrs. Fink:''' Welcome to the first day of school. School is cool! School is cool!

'''Ratburn:''' Arthur Read, you'd better concentrate on those problems before time's up.

[Recess starts. The other classes burst out the doors and run outside, while Mr. Ratburn calmly opens his door.]

'''Ratburn:''' Class, you may now file out in an orderly fashion. Quietly. No talking. Arthur Read, are you standing in your proper alphabetical position?

[Arthur moves behind Francine. Cut to the baseball field.]

'''Arthur:''' Boy, Ratburn's tough! He gave us homework on the first day.

'''Buster:''' Get with it, Arthur. We're not dealing with a human being here. This is serious!

[Binky hits the ball into the bushes under Ratburn's window]

'''Arthur:''' You find it yet?

'''Ratburn:''' Hello, this is Mr. Ratburn.

'''Buster:''' Shhh!

'''Arthur:''' Uh-oh.

'''Ratburn:''' Yes, I have all the eyes I need, but I'm completely out of heads. I need heads. I can wait for girls' heads, but I must have boys' heads immediately.

[Arthur starts to leave]

'''Buster:''' Wait, he'll see us! And we have... boys' heads!

'''Ratburn:''' There's no time! I need them now. I'll have to get them myself. [hangs up]

[Arthur and Buster scream and run to the [[Sugar Bowl]].]

'''Francine:''' What are you doing?

[Arthur and Buster scream.]

'''Arthur:''' Ratburn. He—He's looking for body parts—heads! Boys' heads!

'''Francine:''' You must have heard wrong. A vampire doesn't need heads.

'''Arthur:''' This is no ordinary vampire.

'''Buster:''' He's ''beyond'' vampire.

'''Arthur:''' What's beyond a vampire?

'''Buster:''' A Ratburn.

[Ratburn is seen across the street walking to a [[Hardware Store]]. Arthur and Buster scream and hide behind Francine.]

'''Francine:''' Hey! What—

'''Buster:''' Stand still. He wants boy heads, not girls'.

[The three look in the window of the hardware store and see Ratburn picking up a box of nails.]

'''Arthur:''' Breakfast!

[Ratburn picks up a saw and puts it in his bag. Arthur and Buster hold their necks.]

'''Francine:''' What do you think he's gonna do with that saw?

'''Buster:''' I read a book where kids discovered a scary mystery like this and became detectives to solve it.

[Ratburn exits the store. The three scream and run into an alley.]

'''Buster:''' We should probably investigate.

'''Arthur:''' You know, we have a lot of homework to do.

'''Francine:''' You're just a fraidy-cat.

'''Buster:''' Arthur, we have to chose: face horrifying, scary danger or do our homework.

'''Francine and Arthur:''' Horrifying, scary danger.

[The three surreptitiously observe Ratburn checking out books at the [[Elwood City Public Library|library]], reading a newspaper, and refereeing a basketball game.]

'''Francine:''' I'm bored. He's not doing anything weird. You probably heard him talking about heads of lettuce.

'''Arthur:''' Boy heads of lettuce? I don't think so, Francine.

'''Francine:''' Oh, yeah? It's probably the term grocers use for the rotten ones. I'm gonna do my homework.

'''Buster:''' Arthur, look!

[Ratburn is seen wheeling a large suitcase down a flight of stairs. Suddenly, it opens and an arm pokes out. Ratburn puts it back and closes the case, when suddenly his watch beeps. It's 3:45. He rushes off with the suitcase.]

'''Buster:''' [afraid] M-Maybe we ''should'' go do our homework.

'''Arthur:''' Come on.

[At the entrance to the carnival]

'''Arthur:''' He went into the carnival.

'''Buster:''' Of course he went into the carnival. Look at all those boy heads!

'''Arthur:''' We've got to warn them.

[They run into Ratburn.]

'''Buster:''' Oh, no! He's got us! We're trapped!

'''Arthur:''' Look! There he goes! Come on! He went into that booth.

[Arthur and Buster enter the booth and get sprayed with water guns. They leave.]

'''Arthur:''' Okay, it was ''that'' one.

[Inside, [[Leah MacGrady|Mrs. MacGrady]] is taking a picture of Mr. Haney sitting on a horse.]

'''Mr. Haney:''' This is very authentic, Mrs. MacGrady, but I'd prefer a ''real'' action pose.

[Arthur bumps a cactus cutout, which falls and startles the horse. The camera captures him right before he falls off.]

'''Arthur:''' Sorry, sir.

[Back outside]

'''Buster:''' Okay, I pick this time.

[He points to another booth, inside which can be seen two silhouettes. Arthur and Buster gasp.]

'''Arthur and Buster:''' One... two... three... go!

[They run inside, finding themselves on stage in front of an audience of kids.]

'''Arthur:''' Run away!

'''Buster:''' You're not safe! He'll get you!

[The audience laughs.]

'''Jack:''' Hey, you're not in this story.

'''Puppet radio:''' And you're doing my lines! ''I'' warn Jack to run away, but not till he hears "Fee-fi-fo—" you know the drill.

[The audience laughs again.]

'''Ratburn:''' Arthur, Buster, get off the stage!

'''Jack:''' Okay, fellas, when you leave that castle, make a left, down that beanstalk, and you'll be back in Elwood City.

[Backstage]

'''Buster:''' Wow! The Rat does kids' puppet shows?

'''Puppet radio:''' Jack, you're disorganized. You'd forget your head if it wasn't attached.

'''Jacket:''' Uh-uh! Would not!

[Jack's head falls off.]

'''Puppet radio:''' Grab your head and hide! Here comes the giant!

[Jack's cracked head rolls over to Arthur and Buster.]

'''Buster:''' Arthur, look!

'''Giant:''' Fee-fi-fo-fum!

'''Audience:''' Ew!

[Backstage]

'''Ratburn:''' They always crack when I do that. I must go through 50 boy heads a year.

'''Arthur and Buster:''' Boy heads!

'''Ratburn:''' I can never have enough boy heads.

'''Arthur:''' We didn't know you made puppets.

'''Ratburn:''' Can't talk, boys—I have 40 seconds to get Jack ready. Must always stay on schedule because of all I do.

'''Arthur:''' You do a lot! You're a teacher, a coach, you work on the school paper... [laughs] I can't even find time to do my homework and eat!

'''Ratburn:''' You need to learn to organize your time. I've heard that some people think I give a lot of homework.

'''Arthur and Buster:''' We never heard that.

'''Ratburn:''' But once you've learned good work habits, you'll discover—

'''Puppet radio:''' Jack! Where are you?

'''Ratburn:''' [as Jack] Just a second! The cat rolled my head into the litter box. [to Arthur and Buster] You're capable of more than you think. I'll teach you how to do that homework and then have more time for things you enjoy.

'''Arthur:''' Like how you do all that stuff plus puppets?

'''Ratburn:''' Exactly. [checks watch] Ah! Two seconds early. Self-discipline is as important to learn as two plus two. [as Jack] Okay, I got my head on straight!

'''Puppet radio:''' Hey, man, your head's on straight, but your body is backwards!

'''Ratburn:''' Please don't stand there. I have to concentrate on my work.

'''Arthur:''' Oh. Sorry. [to Buster] Boy, were we wrong.

'''Ratburn:''' By the way, boys, I can't wait to see your Geography projects tomorrow.

[Arthur and Buster scream.]

(END)
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