S.W.E.A.T./Transcript

 Arthur Read: Good morning. Today's show is all about stress. What IS stress? Stress is, er, when you feel a lot of pressure to...Buster!

Buster Baxter: Sorry! I thought you needed cooling off. You look sweaty.

Arthur: Um...anyway, stress is, er...a feeling you get like when you're facing a really big...

Buster: Bear?

Arthur: I was going to say test! You're not being very helpful.

Buster: OK, but if I were you, I'd be more stressed about a bear than a test.

[BEAR GRUNTS]

Arthur: AHH! Whoo! That was close! Anyway...We all get stressed out sometimes, but there are different ways to deal with... AHH! D.W.! When did you learn how to fly a helicopter?

D.W.: Is that what this is? I thought it was a ride! I want my quarter back!

Arthur: Don't touch anything!

[ALARM BEEPS]

D.W.: Oopsie!

Arthur: You think this is stressful? Wait till you see the show!





Buster: Are we learning about sweat today? If we are, I came prepared. [HE SNIFFS]

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: No, Buster. S.W.E.A.T. is an acronym for the Stoddard Wilkins Elementary Aptitude Test - a standardised test you'll all be taking.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: What's it on?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Will we be graded?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Calm down. It's nothing to worry about, but the format may be unfamiliar, so I have some practice tests to help you prepare at home.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: If Sarah has seven apples, and she gives Sadie five of them...

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Why is Sarah giving apples away?

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: It doesn't say...then Sarah gets another apple from Sam...

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Now, she's taking apples from Sam? I don't trust this Sarah. She's up to something.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: It's just a math problem.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: That's probably what Sarah told Sadie. I bet those apples are rotten.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: I just took one of the multiple-choice vocabulary tests. It wasn't so bad.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Um...did you read the instructions?

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Yeah, I glanced at them. Why?

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Because it says you're supposed to use a #2 pencil and not to make any extra marks on the test. See?

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: I don't have any #2 pencils.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Take one of mine.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Ack! It's so ordinary! I prefer the dusky soulfulness of a 4B. What happens if I use one of those?

<p class="MsoNormal">Binky: Then ye have to take it again! And that's if you're lucky! They might just fail you. Aye! I've seen brave third graders cry like pre-schoolers when faced with the S.W.E.A.T.. A fear comes o'er them that swallows 'em whole.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Why are you talking like that?

<p class="MsoNormal">Binky: Don't ye know it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arr! Practice all ye like, but when the real test is before ya, then you'll feel the jaws o' fear tightening all around ya! Ha-ha-ha! [COUGHS]

<p class="MsoNormal">[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

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<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: OK, students. You may open your test booklets now.

<p class="MsoNormal">[MOTOR REVVING]

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Dad! Would you do that later? I'm trying to take a test! Now, you may open your...

<p class="MsoNormal">Mary Moo Cow: # Three, three, three is fun   # It's more than one or two... #

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: D.W.! You have to turn that off. I'm trying to study.

<p class="MsoNormal">D.W.: But it's my TV time. Mom! Arthur's not respecting my rights!

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Fine.

<p class="MsoNormal">Mary Moo Cow: # ..This song won't leave your head   # Five, five, five is sweet... #

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Mom! DW's making too much noise and I'm...

<p class="MsoNormal">[LIQUIDISER MOTOR WHIZZES]

<p class="MsoNormal">[ARTHUR SIGHS]

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur:    OK. You may now...

<p class="MsoNormal">[DRIPPING]

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<p class="MsoNormal">[ALARM BUZZES]

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Well, this is it. SWEAT day.

<p class="MsoNormal">[DOTS BARKS]

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Sorry, Dots. You can't come with me.

<p class="MsoNormal">[DOTS WHIMPERS]

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: "Why not?" Because you're not a #2 pencil. Now, where did I put that one Arthur gave me? [GASPS]   I can't find it! Arthur! I lost the #2 pencil you gave me. Do you have another?

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: No. But I just passed a few back there. Watch out for the erasers!

<p class="MsoNormal">#2 Pencils: [CHANTING]: Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two...

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: AHH!

<p class="MsoNormal">#2 Pencils: Two, two, two, two, two, two...

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<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: OK. Sarah gives Sadie five apples. Thank you, Sarah. I don't know why you're giving me these apples, but I don't care, cos I'm a pig! Then Sam flies in with another apple. Brrrr! Activating apple defence system! Take that, you rotten fruitmonger!

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Will you stop playing with those silly dolls?! Sam isn't a doll. He's an action figure. Ah, you've hurt his feelings.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Oh, great. You guys are here. Take these. I'm giving everyone I know #2 pencils. That way you can give me one if I forget to bring mine.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Hey, guys. What's going on?

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Pencils! Take pencils!

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Why won't you all just be quiet? It's like you WANT me to fail!

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Fail what?

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: The S.W.E.A.T. test, of course. Aren't you nervous about it?

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Why should I be? It's just reviewing stuff we already know.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: But what if we forget what we already know?

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Yeah! Binky said the fear could swallow us whole!

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: You're getting yourselves worked up over nothing. Just relax.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Easy for you to say.

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Yeah, you never get anxious about tests.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: That's not true. There's one test that makes me VERY anxious. A blood test! Ha-ha! Get it?

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Brain! This isn't a laughing matter! Here, don't you dare forget it!

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<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: Orange, Buster?

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Is this a word problem? The answer is D - all of the above!

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: George, would you knock it off? You're eating those mashed potatoes so noisily! Can't you see I'm trying to study?!

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: Nigel, I think this S.W.E.A.T. test has given some of your students a nasty case of the jitters. Might I suggest something?

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<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: Who here gets butterflies in the belly, right before a big game? For me, it's when I play the keyboard in front of an audience. Anybody else get the willies before performing?

<p class="MsoNormal">Binky: Aye! Once me palms were so sweaty, I dropped me clarinet on me big toe! I've got the scar to prove it!

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Binky, International Talk Like A Pirate Day is over!

<p class="MsoNormal">Binky: OK.

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: The point is, we all feel stress sometimes. Here's one way I like to deal with it. Everyone lie on your backs. You too, Alan.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: All right, but I think this is all rather unnecessary.

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: Follow your breath in and out. Be aware of your toes. Are they tense at all? Wiggle them a little. Now, move up to your ankles and your calves. Feel all that tension in your head just melt away. You can open your eyes now.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Wow. I feel great!

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Me too!

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Wait! I still have some tension in my ear. Ah! Now, it's gone.

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: Whenever those heebie-jeebies...

<p class="MsoNormal">[SNORING]

<p class="MsoNormal">Mrs. MacGrady: ..start playing patty-whack with your nerves, you just...

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: [SNORES] Huh? What'd I miss?

<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Just the whole relaxation class.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Oh, well, I napped instead. Same thing, right?

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<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: 17...18...19...20. Still got half an hour before school. Just enough time for another practice test. Huh. Well, that was a cinch. And now, I'll just check the answers in the back. 1 is A. Check. 2 is C. Check. 3 is also C... Wait! That can't be right! OK, one wrong. That's not so bad. 4 is...D? And 5 is...B?! How is THAT possible?! [HE GASPS] I skipped a question! Ugh! Why won't you erase?

<p class="MsoNormal">Option D: B always puts up a fight. Give it some muscle!

<p class="MsoNormal">Option B: Ooh, yeah! Right there! That's where it itches.

<p class="MsoNormal">[PAPER TEARS]

<p class="MsoNormal">Wilkins: It worked, Stoddard! He fell right into our trap!

<p class="MsoNormal">Stoddard: By Jove, we've failed another one! High five, Wills!

<p class="MsoNormal">[ALARM RINGS]

<p class="MsoNormal">[HE GASPS]

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<p class="MsoNormal">Arthur: Brain, are you OK?

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Me? Sure I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be OK? Just because I skipped a practice question doesn't mean I'll skip one now. Right? Oh, no! Where's my pencil? I don't have a pencil!

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Here, I brought extras.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Mr Ratburn, could we just wait a minute or two? Brain, look at me. Take a deep breath.

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Ah...huh.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Feel your toes. Say, "Relax, little toes."

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: OK. Relaxing phalanges.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: Feel all that stress leaving your body. Now, the stress is walking out of the classroom and out of the school. Maybe it'll stop by the Sugar Bowl.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Ahem.

<p class="MsoNormal">Buster: OK, you can open your eyes now.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sue Ellen: Better?

<p class="MsoNormal">Brain: Thanks, guys. I couldn't have asked for better relaxation tutors.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: OK, students. You may start your test now.