D.W.'s Name Game/Transcript

''D.W. serves as the host for the opening teaser. As she pours herself some Crunch cereal, she explains...''

D.W.: I know this is where Arthur usually talks, but I think there's some things you need to know about...

She approaches very close to the "camera" and lowers her voice.

D.W.: Arthur. The worst big brother in the whole world.

Flashback sequence, to a tree-lined street

D.W.: When we ride bikes, he always goes too fast, on purpose!

Arthur: D.W., if you can't keep up, you should stay home!

He zooms away, leaving her to stop and wipe her brow.

D.W.: I could go fast if I were as big as he is. But to get that big, I'd have to eat as much as he does.

''Screen-wipe to a new scene in which Arthur grabs an entire cake with a cherry on top and gobbles the entire thing whole.

Arthur: Mmm, tasty.

D.W.: (gasps)

The scene changes again, to another part of the Read household.

D.W.: And he's so mean.

Arthur: Mom! D.W.'s in my room again without my permission!

Mrs. Read: D.W.!

''She exits his room, off-screen, and he enters it, then opens the door and hangs up a new sign over the existing radioactive symbol. The sign has a skull on it and states "ARTHUR'S ROOM D.W. NOT ALLOWED. MARY-MOO COW IS A BAD SHOW!"''

D.W.: That sign can't stop me, 'cause I can't read!

The sequence ends.

D.W.: I don't know what...

''She stops as she notices that Arthur has entered the room. He pours himself a glass of milk and walks away. D.W. picks up the carton to add milk to her cereal, but only one drop comes out. She sits down, annoyed.''

D.W.: I don't know what to do about him yet, but I'll figure out something. (spoons up some of her cereal) Yuck!

Francine: "D.W.'s Name Game"

D.W.: (searching inside title card) Arthur?!

Arthur: (inside title card) Shh!

''D.W. is with the Tibble Twins at the playground sandbox, playing trucks. She has apparently been going on about her perceived problems with Arthur at some length with them and is now coming to her point.''

D.W.: I figure you guys know how to deal with brothers. You both have one.

Tommy: I know how to teach your big, rotten brother a lesson.

D.W.: Yeah?

Tommy: He plays the piano, right?

A fantasy sequence begins, showing a line of people outside a concert hall.

Tommy: Okay, then, here's what you do. You wait until he grows up and becomes a famous piano player...

Arthur, wearing a suit and bowtie, is getting out of a limo to an adoring crowd and photographers flashing photos.

Female Fan: Can I have your autograph?

Male Fan: (struggling to hold a heavy piano he has strapped to his back) Arthur, sign my piano please?

''Arthur just walks by. Inside the concert hall, he sits down at the piano.''

Tommy: Then, when he has a big concert...

D.W.: I know, I don't show up!

The scene shows D.W.'s empty seat, but Tommy has another idea...

Tommy: No, you show up late...

As Arthur plays the piano, a taller, but not necessarily older-looking D.W. makes her way to her seat...

D.W.: Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, pardon me, excuse me...

Tommy: And then... You eat potato chips!

''D.W. crunches loudly on potato chips. Arthur's lovely playing is stopped with a bad note. Back in the audience, D.W.'s neighbors look angry. Arthur tries to continue, but hits another bad note. He groans and bangs his head against the piano.''

Timmy: That's dopey. Who wants to wait until he grows up?! (Tommy sticks his tongue out him.) D.W. here's a good idea.

''Fantasy sequence. D.W is watching Mary Moo-Cow, lounging with her feet on a stool and pillows to support her back. As she relaxes, Arthur brings her a slice of cake and another pillow.''

Arthur: (monotone) Am I making you happy, my queen?

The scene ends.

Timmy: Great, huh?

D.W.: Why would he do all that?

Timmy: Oh, I forgot that part.

Tommy: Duh!

''Timmy gives him an angry look and the fantasy restarts. The scene resumes from before, but this time, Arthur has red, swirly mind-control eyes inside his glasses.''

Arthur: Am I making you happy, my queen?

The spiral of the mind-control fills the screen.

Timmy: D.W., you get secret hypnotic powers and make Arthur your obedient hypno-brother.

''D.W. waves her arms at Arthur, who is now shown against the backdrop of the spiral, falling under D.W.'s control. The scene changes back to D.W's room, where D.W. is waving her arms up and down, hands out-stretched and Arthur replies in a slow, stupid voice...''

Arthur: I enjoy doing your chores.

''Clockwise screen-wipe, as Arthur is now shown carefully dusting off D.W.'s troll dolls. Sparkles are shown coming off other objects in her room.''

Arthur: I enjoy doing your chores.

D.W.: (lying on her bed, reading a book with the mind-control spiral on the cover) Of course you do.

''The fantasy sends. Timmy has a smug look on his face.''

Tommy: Don't you know it takes hundreds of years to learn hypnotize-izing, noodle-brain?

D.W.: Yeah, it's a bad idea.

Timmy: (angry) Well, come up with your own ideas, then, D.W. Dim-wit!

D.W.: (standing up) Don't call me names... goopy!

Tommy: (pointing and laughing) Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Goopy! You're goopy!

Timmy: (pointing) You look just like me. If I'm goopy, so are you! (falls back and laughs, sits back up) Boy, D.W., you're the best at name-calling. If you call your brother good names like that, he'll surrender in no time.

''D.W. looks thoughtful. The scene wipes right to D.W., humming happily to herself and coloring a coloring book with a picture of a house. D.W.'s version of coloring involves making a large scribble of red. Just like in D.W.'s fantasies, Arthur enters the room with a slice of cake topped with pink icing. He sits down on the couch, grabs the remote and switches on the television, which is playing the opening of The Bionic Bunny Show. D.W.'s head is right in front of him, partially blocking the view''

Arthur: I can't see. Move your head!

D.W.: You're not the boss of me, Mr. Goopy!

Arthur: D.W., please move your big, enormous, large, gopher-looking head.

D.W.: (gasps) At least my head doesn't look like a football with glasses.

Arthur: No, your head looks like a big meatloaf with raisins.

''Fast wipe to Mr. and Mrs. Read, who are fancily dressed up for an evening on the town, standing by the front door with the door open. They're talking with Catherine Frensky.''

Mrs. Read: We'll be back at 10:30. Here's the phone number. The kids shouldn't need anything.

Famous last words...

D.W.: (entering the room, Arthur close behind) Mom! Arthur said my face looks like a watermelon except with a bad haircut!

Arthur: She started it.

Catherine: I can handle it. Have a good time.

Mom leaves.

Mr. Read: Thanks. Be good, kids.

''He closes the door. Barely after it's closed...''

Arthur: She started it.

Catherine: I have a lot of homework, so why don't you two go play quietly, at opposite ends of the house?

D.W.: (looks angry and heads upstairs) I dibs my room!

Arthur: I wouldn't want to go to your stupid old messy girl room anyway!

''Catherine shakes her head. Clockwise wipe to D.W. and Arthur having a shouting match in D.W's room.''

D.W.: Clammy clam face!

Arthur: Turtle breath!

Catherine: (running upstairs) Hey!

D.W.: I don't have turtle breath! Smell!

''She breathes on Catherine who flinches as if having taken a blow. Judging from her expression, it appears maybe she thinks D.W. does have turtle breath. Still, she recovers quickly.''

Catherine: What's going on here?

As Catherine speaks to D.W., Arthur poses to the side, making cross-eyes at D.W. and raising his hands, spinning his fingers in a gesture indicating he thinks D.W. is crazy.

D.W.: (pointing at Arthur) He called me "turtle-breath!"

''Catherine turns to Arthur. As she does, D.W. makes similar gestures at him.''

Catherine: Why were you in her room?

Arthur She took my red crayon.

D.W.: I had to. It's a castle coloring book. There's a lot of bricks.

D.W. flips through the pages of the book, showing that she has colored each one entirely in red in the same, scribbly style.

Catherine: D.W., give him his crayon. Arthur, go back to the den.

''Arthur and Catherine leave. As they do, D.W. taps her foot and mutters to herself.''

D.W.: This isn't working because Arthur knows more words than me.

Screenwipe right to D.W. approaching Catherine in the living room where Catherine is actually, as she claimed, doing her homework.

D.W.: Catherine, you're so smart. What's another word for "boring"?

Catherine: (picking up a red book) If you wanna know words that mean the same as other words, you look in a thesaurus. (She opens it up.)

D.W.: I can't read!

Catherine: (flipping the pages) I'll look it up for you.

''Screenwipe right again. D.W. approaches Arthur in the living room where he is now on the couch reading a Bionic Bunny comic book. She tells him...''

D.W.: You are tedious!

''She walks away. Arthur's eyes widen, he gasps and scratches his head.''

D.W.: (raising her arms and leaving the room) I did it, I win, yahoo, ya'ay!

Arthur walks out of the room and consults a dictionary.

Arthur: Tedious... tedious... hey!

Montage of Arthur and D.W. consulting Catherine.

Arthur: Do you know another word for "annoying"?

D.W.: Does "the saurus" have a word for someone who eats too much cake?

Catherine: You kids are really working on your vocabulary! I'm so impressed!

''D.W. gives a cheesy grin that shows her full set of teeth. Screenwipe right to Arthur watching TV. Whatever he's watching has some peaceful, cheery music.''

D.W.: You are distended from eating cake. Plus, you are both adipose and corpulent.

''The television show depicts a pig standing in a puddle of mud. D.W. smiles smuggly and walks off. The scene changes to her room, where Arthur walks in, holding a piece of paper, and tells her slowly...''

Arthur: You are... vapid!

''He walks out. The scene changes again. Arthur is back in the living room and he switches on the TV, which is again playing The Bionic Bunny Show. But before he can really get started watching...''

D.W.: If I'm vapid, you're heinous and atrocious. I bet you don't even know what that means. I do!

Arthur: Well, at least my initials don't stand for "dimwit."

D.W.: Ha! Tommy Tibble came up with that and he's my age! You lose!

Arthur: Oh, I know what you are. You wanna know what you really are? You're such a... Dora Winifred!

''D.W. gasps in shock. The scene changes to show Catherine, as Arthur chases after D.W., taunting her mercilessly.''

Arthur: Dora Winifred!

D.W.: Stop it!

Arthur: Dora Winifred!

D.W.: Stop it! Make him stop!

Catherine: Alright! Bedtime!

''She takes D.W.'s hand and leads her to her room as she moans in upset. Arthur smirks and chuckles meanly. In bed, D.W. is wearing a yellow button-down pajama shirt and pants and drinking from a Mary Moo-Cow sippy cup.''

D.W.: Arthur thinks he's so great.

Catherine: Now go to sleep, D.W.

''No argument from D.W. She's already closed her eyes, quite ready to put the day behind her. She rolls over, face to her pillow and mumbles to herself.

D.W.: I'm not gonna let him beat me.

''A dream sequence begins. It's a pleasant meadow scene with a rainbow, a castle and colorful flowers.''

D.W.: This place looks almost perfect.

''The trees and flowers dance. They add a floral pattern to D.W.'s shirt.''

D.W.: It is perfect! I could be happy here forever!

''The scene changes. A storm blows in with thunder and lightning. D.W. is hit by a stiff wind.''

D.W.: Ah!

''Arthur appears, wearing a pointed wizard's hat with stars and a cape and sitting a cloud. He chants at D.W. with a voice like the Wicked Witch of the West.''

Arthur: Dora Winifred! Dora Winifred!

As he says this, the words emerge from his mouth as multi-colored letters that strike D.W. and a tree standing behind her.

D.W.: Stop! You're ruining everything. Help!

She sobs, pulls herself out of the pile of letters and runs away to a small pond where she sits and sobs for a bit until she notices the face of Walter the deer reflected the in water.

D.W.: Walter, my deer!

She hugs him.

Walter: Don't cry, D.W. You can defeat the evil Arthur. Ask the great Thesaurus!

He gives her a handkerchief.

D.W. Oh, Walter, thank you!

''She sobs and blows her nose. This is sustained long enough that he taps a watch on his hoof and gives an aside glance to the audience. Finally, D.W. stops.''

D.W.: So, where is the saurus?

Walter: He dwells beyond the woods.

D.W.: That's a long way to go. Do you have a picture of the place?

''Walter holds one up in his mouth and D.W. leaps into it. She's now standing in front of a building that has the sign "Elwood City Library" outside, as well as two statues on the stair railings of Timmy and Tommy Tibble, in the style of the lions of the New York Public Library.''

D.W.: (speaking from inside the picture) You didn't wanna watch me walk through the woods, did you? That would be so boring. (She approaches Tommy and Timmy.) Tommy? Timmy?

Timmy: We were turned to stone by the insults of the evil Arthur.

D.W.: Really?

Tommy: You think I'm "lyin'"?

D.W.: Bummer!

Tommy: You're telling me?! My nose itches!

She scratches it for him.

Tommy: Ooh, thank you. ... D.W., look out! He'll turn you to stone! Get away!

Arthur is aproaching fast on his cloud.

Arthur: Dora Winifred!

''D.W. races inside the library and closes the doors, so the letters simply pile up against them. She runs through the turnstile and up to the information desk, where Paige Turner is sitting.''

D.W.: (gasping for breath) Where's the saurus?

Ms. Turner: The reference section. Follow me.

''D.W.'s imagined library is a labyrinth filled with giant books. As they walk through them, Ms. Turner explains...''

Ms. Turner: This is the history section.

''D.W. struggles to open the cover of one of the giant books. A number of important moments from history are shown in black and white. She closes it.''

Ms. Turner: Science and technology section.

''As D.W. opens another page, there's footage of an early plane taking off, an early car, the launch of a rocket, scientists working in a lab and a man holding a clay bust. D.W. opens another page and finds footage of a swaying palm tree, a dolphin, a horse leaping a pole, rushing waves, a growling big cat, more waves and kids playing in the snow. She closes it up.''

D.W.: Wow! I never knew all this stuff was in the library!

She catches up to Paige Turner, who has reached their destination.

Ms. Turner: Here we are.

''They have reached a section of the library filled with letters. Ms Turner departs off-screen, leaving D.W. alone as the sound of heavy, plodding footsteps comes closer and closer. D.W. finds herself looking up a large dinosaur wearing pince-nez glasses and a mortarboard and carrying a pointer.

D.W. (nervously) Um, are you the saurus?

Thesaurus: It's one word. Thesaurus. The Thesaurus. Sheesh.

D.W.: I don't even know how to read.

Thesaurus: I-I'd love to hear your full life story, but I got a lot of words to organize. It's a mess in there.

He gestures expansively to indicate just how much of a mess it is.

D.W.: I need the perfect word for Arthur.

The Thesaurus leans over to be directly in her face and she gulps.

Thesaurus: First, you must prove yourself worthy.

D.W.: Oh, nothing's ever easy.

Thesaurus: Name three words for goofy!

''D.W. smiles. She knows this one.''

D.W.: (counting on her fingers) Silly, foolish and... Arthur!

''Klaxons sound and neon signs appear reading WINNER, WINNER!, YEAH! There are sounds of whistling and applause.''

Thesaurus: That's right! Now I will fulfill your wish. The perfect name to call Arthur is...

''He leans down and whispers something in her ear. D.W. exits the library, pushing aside the piled letters. She approaches the Arthur sorcerer, who is lounging by the Timmy lion, having a cake-break from terrorizing people with name-calling.''

D.W.: Oh, Arthur!

''She walks up to him and whispers confidently in his ear. He screams, steps back as if hit by a blow.''

Arthur: I'm melting! I'm melting!

''He does so. He screams again. There is nothing left of him but a puddle of Arthur-goo, his cap and his glasses.''

D.W.: Nobody told me you'd melt! Arthur!

''She scoops him up in her Mary Moo-Cow cup. What's left of him, including the glasses, speaks to her from inside the cup.''

Arthur: Calling people names can be dangerous to their health.

D.W.: What can I do? What can I do?! Somebody help me!

''The dream ends. D.W. moans in her sleep.''

D.W.: Arthur? Arthur?

Footsteps approach and a hand shakes D.W.'s shoulder.

Mrs. Read: D.W., wake up.

D.W. (waking up) Mommy?! I'm sorry! I didn't know!

Mrs. Read: You were having a bad dream, honey.

Mr. Read: (entering the room) Here, have a glass of water.

''The "camera" focuses on the cup, he's holding, her Mary Moo-Cow cup. The music swells and she screams.''

D.W.: Ahhhhh, Arthur!

Arthur: (entering the room in his nightclothes) Ahh. What?

D.W.: (rushing over to him and giving him a hug) I'm sorry I called you names.

Arthur: Well, you called me... I mean I'm sorry too.

''Mr. and Mrs. Read look happy at this display of sibling affection. D.W. heads back over to her bed.''

D.W.: I had this dream and the Tibbles were in it, and you were in it, Arthur...

Mr and Mrs. Read chuckle.

D.W.: (points) And you were in it too.

Thesaurus: (appearing outside D.W.'s window) Ah, sheesh!

Everyone turns to look out the window and D.W. looks shocked.