The Scare-Your-Pants-Off Club/Transcript

Introduction
Arthur sits at the kitchen table and reads a Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club book.

Arthur: Did you ever start a book you can't put down until you’re done? When I start a Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club book, I just can't stop. His mom puts food in front of him which he eats while reading. (gasps)

Mrs. Read shakes her head.

''Arthur sits in class reading the book. The bell rings and the other kids run out.''

Mr. Ratburn: Class dismissed! Arthur? Arthur!

''An upside down picture shows Arthur reading while he hangs upside down from the jungle gym. Two coins and a comb fall out of his pockets. When his glasses fall, he catches them just in time. The picture then turns right side up and Francine walks up to Arthur.''

Francine: Hey, Arthur... Arthur!

He ignores her.

''At night, Arthur’s silhouette is seen as he reads under the blanket. His dad pulls the blanket away.''

Arthur: Augh!

Mr. Read: For goodness sake, turn that light off and go to sleep.

Arthur: Wait, Dad, I'm almost done. I can’t stop until I know how it... Mr. Read turns the flashlight off. …ends.

Title Card: Francine Bangs Gong
''Mr. Read serves a large plate of waffles to his wife, D.W. and Kate. Arthur is missing.''

Mr. Read: Ta-da! By special request, a hearty breakfast of my world-famous whoopee-waffles.

'''D.W.+Mrs. Read:''' Whoopee! Waffles!

Arthur hops in on one foot while tying the other shoe.

Arthur: Morning, Mom, Dad, Gotta run! Whoops.

Mr. Read: Arthur!

''Arthur bumps into his dad and the waffles fly up into the air. Mr. Read manages to catch them on plates which he pushes over to his family.''

D.W.: Whoopee!

Mr. Read: I'm impressed, honey.

Mr. Read catches the last waffles on his own plate and sits down.

Mrs. Read: Breakfast first.

Arthur: Oh, okay.

He sits down and puts a whole waffle in his mouth.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, why are you in such a hurry?

Arthur chews fast and swallows.

Arthur: Sorry, Mom! Got to get to the library fast to be first in line to get the new Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club book.

He runs out.

Mrs. Read: The library? On a Saturday?

Mr. Read: Wow! Hard to argue with that.

D.W.: If he's not eating seconds, can I have his?

***

Arthur runs down the street.

Arthur: Gotta hurry. Gotta get there first.

He turns around a corner and sees a long line of kids in front of the library.

Arthur: Oh, no!

Arthur joins Buster, Francine, Muffy, Sue Ellen, Brain and Prunella at the end of the line.

Arthur: Guess we should've met earlier.

Brain: Yeah, like three days ago.

Buster: Hey, maybe they're all just here to study.

Some kids turn around revealing Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club T-shirts.

Arthur: I guess we could check out some of the old ones to read again.

Buster: Yeah, like “Curse Of The Mummy's Breath”! Hoo, that was really scary.

Francine: Or “Bones in The Attic”. Or the scariest of all: “Zombie Substitute Teacher”.

''Dark clouds gather behind Francine. The kids suddenly stand in a foggy graveyard. A raven caws and a black cat growls and passes the kids.''

Brain: Look! They're opening.

''The library doors slowly open with a loud creak. Lightning hits the weathervane on the roof.''

Kids: Ahhhh!

''A cloaked figure floats through dense smoke that is coming out of the library. The smoke turns into scary faces, then dissipates to reveal Paige Turner.''

Miss Turner: A-hem. I’m afraid I have bad news. You won’t be able to check out the new Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club book today after all. In fact, all of our Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club books have been removed from our shelves until further notice.

The kids stare at her for a moment.

Kids: (scream)

They look like Edvard Munch’s painting.

Miss Turner: Shh!

She floats back into the library and the door slams shut.

***

Arthur and Buster walk through town.

Arthur: I don't get it. Who would want to get rid of our books?

***

Arthur and Buster watch TV in the Baxters’ living room.

Newsman (on TV): In local news. A parents' group chased a series of children's books off the shelves of the public library today. Julie?

Newswoman (on TV): PAWS, P-A-W-S, that's Parents Against Weird Stories, say the scary stories are bad for kids. We tried to reach EA dePoe, the writer of the books, for comment - with no success. PAWS is having a rally for other concerned parents tomorrow in front of the library.

Buster turns off the TV.

Buster: Condition red, Arthur. If we ever want our pants scared off again, we’ve got to do something fast.

''He picks up the phone. Arthur stands frozen with shock.''

Buster: Arthur?

***

Arthur, Buster, Brain and Francine lie on their backs behind the library.

Francine: What are we gonna do? It’s not fair!

Brain: Not much we can do. Generally speaking, minors have limited access to legal recourse or arbitration.

Arthur: Come on, we can’t give up. We never gave up before.

Buster: Sure we have.

Brain: Lots of times.

Arthur: Not when it’s important. Remember when you helped clean out my garage so I could go see “Galaxy Avengers”?

''Flashback: The four kids clean the garage. Buster balances a broomstick on his nose.''

Buster: Hey, look at me. Whoa!

''He stumbles into Arthur who drops some boards. A bucket of paint falls over and spills. Francine is distracted and stumbles over a can while carrying a sack of trash.''

Francine: Ah!

The flashback ends.

Francine: I remember. Nice going, Buster.

Arthur: The point is, we made it to the movie.

Brain: The next day.

Arthur: Okay, but what about the time Buster needed help with math...?

''Flashback: Buster sits at a table with lots of books, thinking hard. Arthur and Francine look expectantly. They, Pal and Brain are holding signs saying “7” “x” “3” “=21”.''

Buster: Hm…

The flashback ends.

Francine: Maybe Arthur's right. But what can we do?

Buster: I know! We can go on strike! No more homework till we get our books back! The others gape at him. Well, heh, it was worth a try.

***

Arthur, Brain, Buster, Prunella and Francine sit in the Sugar Bowl.

Brain: We must quantitatively demonstrate that we're not alone in our opinion.

Buster: Huh?

Arthur: We have to show PAWS that a lot of kids want their books back.

***

Muffy meets Sue Ellen, Buster, Arthur, Francine, Brain and Prunella coming down the street.

Muffy: (gasps)

Francine: I know - we should get signatures on a petition. That's what my mom did to save the old City Hall building.

Muffy hides in a doorway.

Sue Ellen: Do we have enough time? They meet tomorrow.

Arthur: There’s only one way to find out.

***

''The next day, Buster stands at the Reads' front gate wearing a boater and a brightly colored suit. He shouts into a megaphone.''

Buster: Good Morning, Elwood City! Step right up. Sign your name to save our books and see the Amazing Arthur perform feats of derring-do!

Behind him, Arthur walks a tightrope over a baby pool.

Arthur: Buster, are you sure about this?

Buster: It's like a commercial, Arthur. Before we can get them to sign, we have to get their attention. Now go ahead!

Arthur loses his balance and falls in the pool.

Audience: (gasp, laugh and cheer)

Buster: Sure thing! After you sign on the dotted line.

Arthur trembles with cold.

***

''Francine and Jenna jump a rope that is swung by Prunella and Sue Ellen. Jenna signs her name on a list that Francine is holding. Alex and Binky have already signed.''

Francine: PAWS is takin' your books away, so I'm asking for your help today. Line up now and sign your name. That’s the point of my jump-rope game!

Kids are queuing.

***

At a bus stop, Brain explains a chart to Mrs. Wood, Mrs. Tibble and a man.

Brain: Impact on school performance is geometric. As you can see there’s a marked rise in the learning curve. Is it not obvious you should sign?

Man: No. But we'll sign if you promise to stop explaining why we should!

People: (Yes. Uh-huh. Absolutely.)

***

Prunella stands at the roller-skate rink handing out clipboards to kids who skate by and return the clipboard on the next round.

***

''A jogger in the park notices Sue Ellen running beside him with a clipboard. He signs and Sue Ellen runs ahead to a woman jogging with a dog.''

Nearby, Arthur sees a woman doing gardening.

Arthur: Excuse me, ma’am, but a parents' group took our favorite books from the library. Would you sign a petition to put them back?

Miss McWord: I see I’m not the only one doing volunteer work today! But it depends on the books. I wouldn't go against your parents.

Arthur: They're not our parents. We don’t know who they are. But the books are our favorite books – the Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club.

Miss McWord: The Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club books? Do you read them, er...?

Arthur: Arthur. All of them! I haven't missed a single one.

Miss McWord: Then this is serious. Maybe I should speak to this parents group. Don't give up, Arthur. You and your friends are doing a good thing!

She walks away.

Arthur: Sure. Thanks… I think. Hey, wait! You forgot to sign.

***

''Arthur and Buster come out of the ice-cream shop where Francine and Brain are waiting. All are holding ice-cream cones.''

Francine: Do you think we have enough names?

Arthur: I think so. We just have to hope they'll listen to us.

Muffy comes with a backpack.

Muffy: Who wants to go to Wonderworld for free? I'm having a big party there for all my friends! And you're all invited.

Arthur: Wow! Wonderworld.

Francine: Lick?

She offers Muffy her ice-cream.

Muffy: My mom won't let me. Too much fat...sugar... oh… take it away.

Buster: Hey! Hey, Muffy! Look, it's your parents.

On a TV in a store, the newswoman is interviewing the Crosswire parents in front of Crosswire Motors.

Mrs. Crosswire: You don't know the harm these books do! My poor daughter read just one and it gave her nightmares.

Mr. Crosswire: We started PAWS to save other kids. We're having a big rally for all concerned parents at the library tomorrow.

The kids look angrily at Muffy.

Buster: Your mom and dad started PAWS?

Muffy: Yes. And they say that no one working against them is allowed to come to my party.

Kids: What?

Arthur: But we have to get our books back, Muffy.

Muffy: You just have to decide which means more to you, Arthur, my fabulous party – or a bunch of silly books.

She walks off.

***

Arthur sits at the dinner table with his mom, who is working with a calculator.

Arthur: I don’t know what to do, Mom. I don't want to miss Muffy's Wonderworld party, but I don’t want to lose my favorite books, either.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, all I can say is when you add everything up, you have to do what you think is right. Even if it means making a sacrifice.

She presses a button and looks horrified at the number on the calculator.

Arthur: But what if I'm the only one to protest PAWS? What if all my friends decide to go to Wonderworld instead?

Mr. Read is putting on fake hair which is part of a clown costume.

Mr. Read: Can’t be afraid to look foolish for something you believe in, son. Hand me that rubber nose. I'm late for the kids' charity benefit. He sits down on a loud whoopee cushion. Ah! Ha, I wondered where that was.

***

Mr. and Mrs. Crosswire and Muffy stand at a podium in front of the library.

Mr. Crosswire: I'm not doing this for Ed Crosswire of Crosswire Motors, corner of Park and Lakewood - open most nights till ten - I'm doing it to save our kids.

Arthur approaches with the signatures.

Arthur: Uh, Mr. Crosswire, speaking for the kids, we really want our books back, and we got these signatures of support.

Mr. Crosswire: That's nice, sonny. But believe me, we’re doing this for your own good.

Miss McWord: Excuse me, but have you read any of the books? Well, you you?

Mr. Crosswire: I am proud to say I wouldn't read those books if you paid me.

Miss McWord steps out of the crowd.

Mr. Crosswire: It’s Miss McWord - my grade school English teacher!

Miss McWord: You never did read, Ed. That’s why the writer works hard to write stories kids like to read - so maybe they'll read other books too.

Mr. Crosswire: Er, what makes you such an expert?

Miss McWord: I wrote them.

Arthur: You wrote the Scare-Your-Pants-Off-Club books?

Miss McWord: Yes, “EA dePoe” is my pen-name.

Muffy drops a pile of Scare Your Pants Off books out of her backpack.

Muffy: (gasps) Miss dePoe, I'm your number one fan! I have all of your books. Does anyone have a pen? Oops.

Mr. Crosswire: You've read them all?

Mrs. Crosswire grabs Muffy’s ear.

Mrs. Crosswire: Well, Mary Alice Crosswire. If it wasn't that woman’s books that gave you a nightmare, what was it?

Mr. Crosswire: Just a minute here. I think I'm beginning to understand who ate my quart of Hasenpfeffer ice-cream.

Mrs. Crosswire: You know it gives you nightmares, Muffy. How could you.

Miss McWord: Ed. What do you say, we actually read one of my books and see what you think.

Mr. Crosswire: Oh. Yes. Why not?

***

A while later, Miss McWord finishes reading “The Haunted Hamburger Stand” to a group of kids and the Crosswires at the library.

Miss McWord: "And since that night, nobody has dared to steal anything from the haunted hamburger stand again!"

Muffy: Well, Daddy?

Mr. Crosswire: Well, I guess I shouldn't have tried to stop you kids from reading books I hadn't read myself.

Arthur: Then we can have them back, Mr. Crosswire?

Mr. Crosswire: Well, on one condition. Everybody looks worried. Would you read another one? Please?

Kids: (cheer)

Miss McWord reads another book.

Miss McWord: "No one in the village knew why the old man lived all alone, deep in the dark woods. Only the animals of the forest knew his secret."