No Acting, Please

Summary
When Fern lands a role in the Elwood City community production of It Began With a Whistle, she fears that she isn't talented to be a star actress.

Plot
The episode starts in the Read living room. Arthur introduces the show while Buster records him on video camera. Arthur forgets his line (“Today’s show is about acting”) and has to start over, but D.W. interrupts and throws a tantrum about who gets to play in the living room. She wins the argument with lots of shouting and crying and after Arthur and Buster leave, she finishes the introduction by saying, “Now that’s acting!”

No Acting, Please

Muffy, Fern, and Francine are standing outside an ice cream shop. Muffy asks her friends which of two hair accessories looks best on her. She is overly concerned about her appearance today because of an upcoming audition for It Began with a Whistle, directed by the famous William Toffman. Muffy and Francine are trying out for the role of Little Lucie, but Fern doubts her acting ability and goes along with them just for fun. At the audition, Francine does alright, with Muffy making a comment about Francine being perfect for her understudy. Muffy acts too dramatically (and appears to bribe the director with a giftbag). Toffman notices Fern and asks if she is trying out as well. He says she looks perfect for the part, but Fern says she’s no good at acting. Toffman eventually gets Fern to see that acting could be fun, and she tries out for Little Lucie as well. Muffy waits outside for the casting list to be posted- and is shocked when she sees Fern has been given the role. Fern learns and says Muffy or Francine can have the part, but the girls encourage her to stay in.

At the first practice the other actors are revealed; Thora Read, Ed Crosswire, and Nigel Ratburn join Fern in this play about the Depression. Fern is upset when she sees that Lucie only has one line, the closing line of "But Grandma! Cant you hear the whistle blowing?", but when Toffman says it's the most important one, her mood improves. During the first script reading, Fern falls asleep, but is woken up by Thora just in time for the important line. Toffman doesn't seem to notice Fern was actually asleep and tells the actors it was a good read, with some pointers for each actor. Fern daydreams about winning an award for her performance..

After the rehearsal Fern gets a massive pile of acting books from Muffy, who thinks Fern needs better technique. The books tell her to be more dramatic, but that’s not what the play needs. After rehearsal, where she interrupts Grandma Thora's lines to say her one line dramatically. Directing the actors take a short break, William Toffman takes Fern on a walk to teach her an acting lesson from a tree: a tree doesn't move much, but you still notice it. Fern decides to act naturally as she was before, starts listening, and soon it is opening night. Right before her line, Grandma Thora stops- as she has forgotten her line. Fern steps in to deliver an ad-lib speech that fits into the play's theme and along with her own line. The audience doesn't notice, and Director Toffman is pleased.

Major

 * Fern Walters
 * Francine Frensky
 * Muffy Crosswire
 * William Fillmore Toffman
 * Thora Read
 * Nigel Ratburn
 * Ed Crosswire

Minor

 * Arthur Read
 * Buster Baxter
 * D.W. Read
 * Nadine Flumberghast

Cameo

 * Bailey
 * Oliver Frensky
 * Laverne Frensky
 * David Read
 * Jane Read
 * Philip Seymour Hoffman
 * Mr. Walters
 * Buster Baxter
 * The Brain
 * Millicent Crosswire

Trivia

 * Ironically, Ed Crosswire plays a vagrant who is poor during.
 * Grandma Thora also plays a grandmother in the play.

Cultural references

 * William Fillmore Toffman quotes William Shakespeare's Hamlet when talking to Fern about being like a tree : "Do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus."

Production notes

 * William Fillmore Toffman was voiced by guest star Philip Seymour Hoffman.