S.W.E.A.T./Transcript

Arthur Read: Good morning. Today's show is all about stress. What is stress? Stress is, er, when you feel a lot of pressure to...Buster!

Buster Baxter: Sorry! I thought you needed cooling off. You look sweaty.

Arthur: Um...anyway, stress is, er...a feeling you get like when you're facing a really big...

Buster: Bear?

Arthur: I was going to say test! You're not being very helpful.

Buster: OK, but if I were you, I'd be more stressed about a bear than a test.

[BEAR GRUNTS]

Arthur: AHH! Whoo! That was close! Anyway...We all get stressed out sometimes, but there are different ways to deal with... AHH! D.W.! When did you learn how to fly a helicopter?

D.W.: Is that what this is? I thought it was a ride! I want my quarter back!

Arthur: Don't touch anything!

[ALARM BEEPS]

D.W.: Oopsie!

Arthur: You think this is stressful? Wait till you see the show!

Buster: Are we learning about sweat today? If we are, I came prepared. [HE SNIFFS]

Nigel Ratburn: No, Buster. S.W.E.A.T. is an acronym for the Stoddard-Wilkins Elementary Aptitude Test - a standardized test you'll all be taking.

Arthur: What's it on?!

Sue Ellen: Will we be graded?!

Nigel Ratburn: Calm down. It's nothing to worry about, but the format may be unfamiliar, so I have some practice tests to help you prepare at home.

Arthur: If Sarah has seven apples, and she gives Sadie five of them...

Buster: Why is Sarah giving apples away?

Arthur: It doesn't say...then Sarah gets another apple from Sam...

Buster: Now, she's taking apples from Sam? I don't trust this Sarah. She's up to something.

Arthur: It's just a math problem.

Buster: That's probably what Sarah told Sadie. I bet those apples are rotten.

Sue Ellen: I just took one of the multiple-choice vocabulary tests. It wasn't so bad.

Arthur: Um...did you read the instructions?

Sue Ellen: Yeah, I glanced at them. Why?

Arthur: Because it says you're supposed to use a #2 pencil and not to make any extra marks on the test. See?

Sue Ellen: I don't have any #2 pencils.

Arthur: Take one of mine.

Sue Ellen: Ack! It's so ordinary! I prefer the dusky soulfulness of a 4B. What happens if I use one of those?

Binky: Then ye have to take it again! And that's if you're lucky! They might just fail you. Aye! I've seen brave third graders cry like preschoolers when faced with the S.W.E.A.T.. A fear comes o'er them that swallows 'em whole.

Buster: Why are you talking like that?

Binky: Don't ye know it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day? Arr! Practice all ye like, but when the real test is before ya, then you'll feel the jaws o' fear tightening all around ya! Ha-ha-ha! [COUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Arthur: OK, students. You may open your test booklets now.

[MOTOR REVVING]

Arthur: Dad! Would you do that later? I'm trying to take a test! Now, you may open your...

Mary Moo Cow: Three, three, three is fun. It's more than one or two...

Arthur: D.W.! You have to turn that off. I'm trying to study.

D.W.: But it's my TV time. Mom! Arthur's not respecting my rights!

Arthur: Fine.

Mary Moo Cow: This song won't leave your head Five, five, five is sweet...

Arthur: Mom! D.W.'s making too much noise and I'm...

[BLENDER MOTOR WHIZZES]

[ARTHUR SIGHS]

Arthur: Okay. You may now...

[DRIPPING]

[ALARM BUZZES]

Sue Ellen: Well, this is it. S.W.E.A.T. day.

[DOTS BARKS]

Sue Ellen: Sorry, Dots. You can't come with me.

[DOTS WHIMPERS]

Sue Ellen: "Why not?" Because you're not a #2 pencil. Now, where did I put that one Arthur gave me? [GASPS] I can't find it! Arthur! I lost the #2 pencil you gave me. Do you have another?

Arthur: No. But I just passed a few back there. Watch out for the erasers!

#2 Pencils: [CHANTING]: Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two...

Sue Ellen: AHH!

#2 Pencils: Two, two, two, two, two, two...

Buster: OK. Sarah gives Sadie five apples. "Thank you, Sarah. I don't know why you're giving me these apples, but I don't care, 'cause I'm a pig!" Then Sam flies in with another apple. Brrrr! "Activating apple defense system! Take that, you rotten fruitmonger!"

Arthur: Will you stop playing with those silly dolls?! Sam isn't a doll. He's an action figure. Ah, you've hurt his feelings.

Sue Ellen: Oh, great. You guys are here. Take these. I'm giving everyone I know #2 pencils. That way you can give me one if I forget to bring mine.

Brain: Hey, guys. What's going on?

Sue Ellen: Pencils! Take pencils!

Arthur: Why won't you all just be quiet? It's like you WANT me to fail!

Brain: Fail what?

Buster: The S.W.E.A.T. test, of course. Aren't you nervous about it?

Brain: Why should I be? It's just reviewing stuff we already know.

Arthur: But what if we forget what we already know?

Sue Ellen: Yeah! Binky said the fear could swallow us whole!

Brain: You're getting yourselves worked up over nothing. Just relax.

Buster: Easy for you to say.

Arthur: Yeah, you never get anxious about tests.

Brain: That's not true. There's one test that makes me VERY anxious. A blood test! Ha-ha! Get it?

Sue Ellen: Brain! This isn't a laughing matter! Here, don't you dare forget it!

Mrs. MacGrady: Orange, Buster?

Buster: Is this a word problem? The answer is D - all of the above!

Arthur: George, would you knock it off? You're eating those mashed potatoes so noisily! Can't you see I'm trying to study?!

Mrs. MacGrady: Nigel, I think this S.W.E.A.T. test has given some of your students a nasty case of the jitters. Might I suggest something?

Mrs. MacGrady: Who here gets butterflies in the belly, right before a big game? For me, it's when I play the keyboard in front of an audience. Anybody else get the willies before performing?

Binky: Aye! Once me palms were so sweaty, I dropped me clarinet on me big toe! I've got the scar to prove it!

Nigel Ratburn: Binky, International Talk Like A Pirate Day is over!

Binky: Okay.

Mrs. MacGrady: The point is, we all feel stress sometimes. Here's one way I like to deal with it. Everyone lie on your backs. You too, Alan.

Brain: All right, but I think this is all rather unnecessary.

Mrs. MacGrady: Follow your breath in and out. Be aware of your toes. Are they tense at all? Wiggle them a little. Now, move up to your ankles and your calves. Feel all that tension in your head just melt away. You can open your eyes now.

Sue Ellen: Wow. I feel great!

Arthur: Me too!

Buster: Wait! I still have some tension in my ear. Ah! Now, it's gone.

Mrs. MacGrady: Whenever those heebie-jeebies...

[SNORING]

Mrs. MacGrady: ..start playing patty-whack with your nerves, you just...

Brain: [SNORES] Huh? What'd I miss?

Arthur: Just the whole relaxation class.

Brain: Oh, well, I napped instead. Same thing, right?

Brain: 17...18...19...20. Still got half an hour before school. Just enough time for another practice test. Huh. Well, that was a cinch. And now, I'll just check the answers in the back. 1 is A. Check. 2 is C. Check. 3 is also C... Wait! That can't be right! OK, one wrong. That's not so bad. 4 is...D? And 5 is...B?! How is THAT possible?! [HE GASPS] I skipped a question! Ugh! Why won't you erase?

Option D: B always puts up a fight. Give it some muscle!

Option B: Ooh, yeah! Right there! That's where it itches.

[PAPER TEARS]

Wilkins: It worked, Stoddard! He fell right into our trap!

Stoddard: By Jove, we've failed another one! High five, Wills!

[ALARM RINGS]

[HE GASPS]

Arthur: Brain, are you okay?

Brain: Me? Sure I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? Just because I skipped a practice question doesn't mean I'll skip one now. Right? Oh, no! Where's my pencil? I don't have a pencil!

Sue Ellen: Here, I brought extras.

Buster: Mr. Ratburn, could we just wait a minute or two? Brain, look at me. Take a deep breath.

Brain: Ah...huh.

Buster: Feel your toes. Say, "Relax, little toes."

Brain: Okay. Relaxing phalanges.

Buster: Feel all that stress leaving your body. Now, the stress is walking out of the classroom and out of the school. Maybe it'll stop by the Sugar Bowl.

Nigel Ratburn: Ahem.

Buster: Okay, you can open your eyes now.

Sue Ellen: Better?

Brain: Thanks, guys. I couldn't have asked for better relaxation tutors.

Nigel Ratburn: OK, students. You may start your test now.