Tipping the Scales/Transcript

(Open on the episode in the music classroom where all the students are hanging around, chatting, as Mr. Haney stands at the front of the class.)

Mr. Haney: (pulls out a slip of paper) Attention, boys and girls! I have an important announcement regarding your upcoming chorus trip to Crown City. "Starting today, all plastic garbage should"---oh, wrong announcement? (searches his pockets for another slip of paper) Where is that thing?

Binky: (sits back in his chair, rocking back and forth) Ah, singing at Bartleby Hall. It almost makes repeating third grade worth it.

Arthur: Really? I'm kinda nervous about giving a concert in front of all those people.

Binky: I'm not talking about the concert. I'm talking about Finkelmeyers, the place Ms. Krasny takes us to afterwards.

(Fade to a sequence of Binky at Finkelmeyers is shown, symbolizing what he describes)

Binky: It's the best deli in Crown City! The pastrami sandwiches are so big you need to sit on a telephone book to sit on them. After just half of one, you think you'll never be able to eat again, but when they bring the cheesecake, you make room.

Buster: (in a dreamy voice) Finkelmeyers!

Mr. Haney: (pulls out the correct note) Ah! Here we go. "Ms. Krasny will not be able to take you to Crown City this year."

Buster: (upset) Oh, the humanity!

Mr. Haney: But we've managed to find you a replacement.

(the door opens and in walks Frederique Fugue)

Arthur and Binky: Dr. Fugue?!

(Intertitle - Stampede)

TIPPING THE SCALES

Written by: Alan Silberberg --- Storyboard by: Robert Yap

Muffy Crosswire: (voice-over) Tipping the Scales!

Arthur: Yee-haa!

(Back to the story. Dr. Fugue is writing his full name on the chalkboard as he introduces himself to the class)

Dr. Fugue: Who am I? "Dr. Frederique Fugue"! Pianist, private tutor, musicologist. What is my goal? To make sure this chorus is ready to sing at about 4 p.m. this Friday. Questions?

(Binky raises his hand)

Binky: Dr. Fugue! I have a (rubs his throats and imitates a sore throat, sounding voice) sore throat. May I be excused?

Dr. Fugue: No. If you sang properly from the diaphragm, you will not strain your vocal chords. But you may have a flavorless lozenge.

(Dr. Fugue tosses the lozenge over for Binky to eat)

Dr. Fugue: (goes to sit at the piano) Right, enough chit-chat. We'll begin with scales. After me... (while playing and singing in tune) "Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do"!

(The class attempts to repeat but...)

Dr. Fugue: STOP!!! (pulls out the attendance clipboard) Arthur, Fern, Muffy and Binky, you're flat. We'll start again, and continue until everyone is on key.

(30 minutes later. The class repeats the scale one last time)

Dr. Fugue: Good... That time you were all pitched-perfect. Remember a chorus sings as one voice all it takes for one rotten apple to spoil the bushel. Now, for your homework.

(The class starts complaining, until Dr. Fugue scratches the board with his fingers to stop them, making them cringe and cover their ears)

Dr. Fugue: As I was saying, for homework, you are all to pick a song to sing in class tomorrow! It will help me decide who will sing the solo part.

Francine: What? But I have the solo part! Ms. Krasny already gave it to me.

Dr. Fugue: And if your singing merits it, then perhaps I shall give it to you as well. (departs the classroom) Good day.

(Transition to Arthur, Buster, Francine, and Binky walking through town)

Francine: (to Arthur; referring to Dr. Fugue) You had this guy as your piano teacher and you actually survived?

Arthur: He's pretty strange, but he is a good teacher.

Binky: He's the best alright. That's why I'm not gonna sing.

Arthur, Buster, and Francine: What?!

Arthur: Why not?

Binky: Because I'm a lousy singer. Once Dr. Fugue really hears my voice, he'll lose all respect for me.

Buster: But you'll miss going to Finkelmeyers! (runs toward Binky and grabs him by the shoulders) Think of the pastrami, Binky!

Binky: (pushes Buster off) Oh, I'm going on the trip. (points to his temple and winks at the three) I've got it all worked out. (walks away).

(Transition to the next day in the music class. Francine is up at the front of the class singing Frere Jacques while Dr. Fugue and the students watch her)

Francine: "Morning bells are ringing / Ding, Dang, Dong! / Ding... Dang... Dong...!!!"

(The class claps and cheers for Francine)

Dr. Fugue: Impressive range, Francine. If you learn to control your breathing, you could become an excellent singer.

Francine: Does that mean I get the solo?

Dr. Fugue: I'll let you know when I've made my decision. (as Francine walks back to her seat and picks up a sheet of paper with a song written on) Alright, let's begin work on our song, the very appropriate, "In the Good Ole' Summertime" which will take a bite out of the winter chill. (looks around) Has anyone seen Binky?

Binky (O.S.): Here I am!

(Binky runs in)

Binky: (playing dumb) Did I miss the solo tryouts? Oh, darn! Lousy watch! The battery must've died.

Dr. Fugue: From the top.

(Dr. Fugue blows in a pitch pipe tuner)

The class: (singing) "There's a time in each year / That we always hold dear, / Good old summertime / With the birds and the trees-es / And sweet scented breezes."

(The class stops singing as they notice Binky just lip-syncing the song. Binky doesn't notice until he sees everyone looking at him. He quickly puts the sheet of music up to cover his mouth. Transition to Dr. Fugue with Buster, signaling him with a baton.)

Dr. Fugue: B-Flat!

Buster: (singing in that tune) Laaaaaaaa...

(Dr. Fugue now signals Fern.)

Dr. Fugue: C-Sharp!

Fern: (singing in that tune) Laaaaa...

Dr. Fugue: Sharper!

Fern: (correcting by singing harder) Laaaaaaaa...

(Transition to Francine lying and sleeping on her back on the floor in her bedroom, in her pajamas, with several books on top of her stomach. Transition to next day, with the class practicing singing "In the Good Ole' Summertime" as Dr. Fugue claps along with the beat.)

Dr. Fugue: Tempo! Tempo! This isn't Tchaikovsky's ''"Funeral March." Tempo!''

(Transition to the students having lunch in the cafeteria. Arthur and Buster are sitting across from each other.)

Arthur: (singing) "Buster, can you pass the salt in A-Minor?"

Buster: (singing as he passes the salt) "Here you go. Are you finished with that fish stick in C-Major?"

(Fade to Dr. Fugue giving instructional tips to the students in a fading montage.)

Dr. Fugue: More feeling! Enunciate! Give it some gusto!

(Fade to the students hopping and running along the musical notes, symbolizing what notes they're singing on a sheet of musical notes to "In the Good Ole' Summertime." We eventually fade back to the students in the classroom singing the ending part of the song, while Dr. Fugue plays on the piano.)

The class: (singing) ..."You hold her hand and she holds yours / And that's a very good sign / That she's your tootsie wootsie / In the good old summer time."

Dr. Fugue: Well, the tempo was good, the phrasing was accurate and the pitch was perfect. But there's one, very important thing you're not doing.

Francine: (moaning) Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.

(As Dr. Fugue talks, we see a flashback of him as a younger student in Bartleby Hall in a chorus along with several other chorus members and the aforementioned scene plays out with what he describes as a beautiful music pieces plays by the end.)

Dr. Fugue: (lightening up) You're not having fun. Did you know that there are 21 chandeliers in Bartleby Hall each glittering with hundreds of finely wrought pieces of crystal? When you take the stage, the chandeliers rise up toward the ceiling and then dim, until they resemble stars on a cloudless night. Then, there is a silence, which is, at once, frightening and thrilling because you know that in seconds it will be filled with your voice. And when the conductor finally lowers his baton, it feels like you are not singing alone, but with the help of all the beautiful voices that ever echoed in that theater.

Young Dr. Fugue: (singing in C-Sharp) Laaaaaa...

(Transition back to the present day, as the class looks up at the ceiling, imagining it.)

Dr. Fugue: That, my friends, is what you have to look forward to tomorrow. Enjoy it. Especially you, Francine. There's nothing worse than a glum soloist.

Francine: Yes!

(The school bell rings.)

Dr. Fugue: Okay, class dismissed. Everyone get a good night's sleep.

(The class begins to leave the classroom, except for Binky. Dr. Fugue begins packing up his briefcase.)

Binky: Dr. Fugue, I have something to tell you.

Dr. Fugue: That you have been lip-syncing for the entire week?

Binky: (amazed) But, how did you---?

Dr. Fugue: It's the oldest chorus trick in the book. Used it many times as an undergrad with the Whitenpoofs.

Binky: I, I just thought that, I might be alright at the clarinet, but when it comes to singing...

Dr. Fugue: (while putting his jacket on) Contrary to what you might think. I believe you have an excellent voice, but it's up to you whether or not you use it.

Binky: (waving) Thanks, Dr. Fugue.

Dr. Fugue: (sings and waves back as he leaves the classroom with his briefcase) "You're welcome in A-Minor!"

(Fade to the next day where Dr. Fugue and the class are riding on a school bus on the way to Crown City on the wintery highway. The class have been assigned to sing "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" along the way.)

The class: "She'll be coming round the mountain / She'll be coming round the mountain / She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes!"

Dr. Fugue: George, Fern, and Jenna you were off-key.

(The class starts "aaawing". Buster looks out the window.)

Buster: Hey, it's really starting to come down. Dr. Fugue, can we have a snowball fight before the concert?

Dr. Fugue: And expose your highly cultivated vocal chords? Not a chance. (turns to the bus driver) How's the weather forecast?

Bus Driver: Not good and the snow is getting heavier.

Dr. Fugue: (to the class, who begin to worry) Fear not, class. Crown City is a hibernal paradise in a snowstorm. The busy streets are hushed, the cars are snuggled under blankets of white---

Bus Driver: The road is closed!

Dr. Fugue: What?

(The bus approaches a policeman standing in front of a barrier and a couple of traffic cones (his police car standing nearby) directing traffic to go right, away from Crown City. Dr. Fugue lowers his head in disappointment as the bus makes the turn, heading toward Remy's Truck Stop.) 

Waitress: (calling to Remy about a couple of customers) A blonde with sand and a pair of life preservers.

(Remy hands over a plate of 2 doughnuts and a cup of coffee to the waitress as she turns around to face the window, noticing the bus outside.)

Waitress: Better fire up the second griddle, Remy. We've got a busload coming in.

(Dr. Fugue and the class begin walking out of the bus to head inside the diner. Dr. Fugue holds open the door to let the class in, Francine being in the lead.)

Francine: But, what about the concert? If we stop now, we'll never make it time.

Dr. Fugue: (waving in the direction of the interior of the diner as the class walks) Move along, Francine. You're letting the draft in. There'll be no cases of grip on my watch.

(Inside the diner, Arthur, Buster, Binky, and Francine sit together in a booth, having hot cocoa.)

An elderly man: (to the waitress) Another coffee, if you please? (looking at his elderly wife as the waitress fills up his mug) Sadie and I had tickets to the theater. What a pity. We don't get out much.

Francine: (to Arthur, Buster, and Binky) It's just not fair. We did all the practicing for nothing.

Binky: I didn't. But I was gonna sing anyway.

Arthur: (sadly) I'll probably never get another chance to perform at Bartleby Hall.

Buster: (sighs as he looks at the blizzard outside, thinking about Finkelmeyers) All that cheesecake.

Francine: (looking at Dr. Fugue who is looking outside too) Hey, you think we're sad? Check out Dr. Fugue. Poor guy. He must be crushed.

(Dr. Fugue looks at his pocket watch. As it turns to 4 o'clock, he closes it.)

Dr. Fugue: Right, chorus, assemble, please.

(The students look around at each other, confused.)

Dr. Fugue: Come, come. We're wasting time.

(The students all huddle up and form the chorus line near the employee's entrance.)

Dr. Fugue: Obviously, the acoustics are not as good as they are at Bartleby Hall, so you should project a little more. Other than that, remember to smile.

Binky: Dr. Fugue, what are we doing?

Dr. Fugue: Performing, of course. It's 4 o'clock.

Francine: (crossing her arms) No way! We're in a diner!

Dr. Fugue: I've played humbler venues.

(The class begins to argue back saying the customers will laugh at them until Dr. Fugue whistles loudly.)

Dr. Fugue: I'm very proud of this chorus. You have all worked too hard not to hear how good you've become.

(Dr. Fugue blows in his pitch pipe tuner and begins conducting as the class begins to sing the first stanza of "In the Good Ole' Summertime. At first, the class sing reluctantly, but eventually begin to lighten up halfway through. Remy, the waitress, and the customers become impressed and fascinated by the class' excellent singing as they progress.) 

The class: There's a time in each year / That we always hold dear / Good old summer time / With the birds and the trees-es / And sweet scented breezes / Good old summer time."

(The class are now on the final stanza)

The class: (continue singing) In the good old summer time / In the good old summer time,

Francine: (singing solo) "Strolling thro' the shady lanes / With your baby mine"

(Francine and Binky walk to each other, back-to-back as they sing together.)

Francine and Binky: (singing) "You hold her hand and she holds yours / And that's a very good sign"

The class: (singing) "That she's your tootsie wootsie / In the good old summer time" Yeah!

(The class gets applauded by all the onlookers of the diner as they all take a bow. Several minutes later, the waitress carries a tray of four apple-berry pies with vanilla ice cream and serves them to Arthur, Buster, Binky, and Francine.)

Waitress: A snowplow's coming round to clear Route 9, so you'll be able to get back to Elwood City. But, in the meantime, Remy thought you might like some of his apple-berry pies.

Buster: (looks at his serving of the pie) Well, it may not be Finkelmeyers but... (he takes a bite of the pie) This is amazing!

Binky: This is the best pie I've ever had. (takes a bite out of his too.)

Waitress: I'll tell Remy. He used to be a pastry chef in Paris before he came here. Five stars and all that.

(Buster licks the remains of his pie on his plate. Francine walks over to Dr. Fugue, who is having some of his own dessert and drinking out of a coffee mug.)

Francine: Dr. Fugue, I thought I was a pretty good singer a week ago, but now I realize I have a lot to learn, and I'm really looking forward to it. So... (sings) "Thank you, in C-Sharp!"

(Dr. Fugue smiles. Fade to nightfall, where the blizzard is still raging on, but a snowplow truck is plowing the blocked road full of snow, going back to Elwood City, while the school bus containing the class, follows behind. The class is singing the last four verses of "In the Good Ole' Summertime.")

The class: "You hold her hand and she holds yours, / And that's a very good sign / That she's your tootsie wootsie / In the good old summer time."

THE END