The Return of the King/Transcript

Introduction
''A school bus stops in front of a medieval fair. Mr. Ratburn gets out followed by Arthur and the other third-grader.''

Arthur: Whoa! This fair is so cool. It's just like being in the Middle Ages.

Mr. Ratburn: Stick with your partner and take notes on all the historical details. They'll be useful when we compete in the games.

A man wearing a kilt pushes a wheelbarrow.

Scotsman: Get your haggis here! Fresh haggis! Two for a dollar!

Buster writes in a notebook.

Buster: "Haggis - two for a dollar." What's haggis?

The class walk on and come to the statue of a golden gryphon.

Mr. Ratburn: There it is - the Golden Gryphon, the award given to the class which exhibits the greatest knowledge of medieval history.

Arthur: Boy, Mr. Ratburn sure wants to win that Golden Gryphon.

Mr. Ratburn: We came so close to winning last year. If we all try our hardest, I'm sure this is the year we finally win.

Arthur: I bet we can win, because what class on Earth does as much homework or works as hard as we do.

''The ground shakes. A class in school uniforms leaves their bus marching in step.''

Glenbrook students: "Glenbrook! Glenbrook! That's our school! Glenbrook! Glenbrook! We will rule! Go, Glenbrook!"

Mr. Ratburn: It can't be!

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Ah, Ratburn! We meet again.

Title Card: Arthur Swims
Mr. Ratburn and Mr. Pryce-Jones shake hands.

Mr. Ratburn: Mr. Pryce-Jones, my old teacher! I didn't know you were still at the Glenbrook Academy?

Mr. Pryce-Jones: They won't let me quit. After all, I am irreplaceable.

''Mr. Ratburn’s students notice that each Glenbrook student is a variant of a Lakewood third-grader. ''

Arthur: Huh...?

Francine: (gasps)

Brain: Oh, no!

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Bath, Sienna, Avignon, we've won all the medieval fairs in Europe. This little one should be a snap.

Buffy: Excuse me, sir, but it's ten-fourteen.

She points at a sundial.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Well, time to prepare. See you at Merlin's Labyrinth, Ratburn. Don't get lost along the way! (chuckles)

He leaves with his students.

Arthur: Have we ever played soccer against those guys? They seem kind of familiar.

Buster: No way! I'd remember a weird-looking bunch of kids like that.

***

''A man dressed as Merlin is standing on podium in front of Merlin’s maze. Mr. Ratburn talks to Arthur, while Mr. Pryce-Jones talks to Chester (Glenbrook’s Arthur).''

Merlin: The first to escape a point shall win, the other one shall perish within.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Remember, Chester, navigate by the sun and the tops of the trees.

Mr. Ratburn: Arthur, use your head.

Merlin: On your mark, get set, hie thee hence. Chester runs into the maze. That means “go”, kid!

''Arthur follows Chester. Both boys run through the maze.''

Arthur: Oh, no! Dead end! He sees his shadow on a wall. Hmm... My shadow! (gasps) Oh! ''He falls backwards through the maze’s cloth wall. He gets up and rubs his head.'' I guess I really used my head.

''Nearby, people are attempting to pull a sword out of a stone. Arthur runs up to the fairground worker.''

Sword Man: She or he who pulls the sword from the stone truly is our queen or king. 'Tis an equal opportunity sword. Keep the line moving! Arthur goes to the sword. All your might won't set things right. ‘Tis a gentle hand will rule the land.

Arthur pulls with all his might.

Arthur: (grunts)

Francine looks out of the maze.

Francine: Arthur! Everyone's looking for you! We lost at Merlin's Maze. Time for the next competition.

Arthur lets go of the sword.

***

''The next contest is archery. Francine hits the bullseye. She passes Colleen (Glenbrook’s Francine) as she goes up to shoot.''

Francine: Let's see you beat that! ''Colleen licks the sucker cup on her arrow and shoots it right above Francine’s arrow. It slides down and pushes Francine’s arrow out of the bullseye.'' (gasps, groans)

She facepalms.

***

The next contest is a tug of war.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Quick, lads and lasses! V = u + a t. Now!

The Lakewood students fall in the mud.

Lakewood Students: (groan)

Mr. Pryce-Jones comes up to Mr. Ratburn.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: I see they don't know Newton's formula for constant acceleration yet. The clocks are ticking, Ratburn.

***

''Francine, Muffy and Arthur are wiping the mud of their clothes at a small lake. Buster lies on a table.''

Francine: We're getting pulverized! We might as well just give them the Golden Griffin.

Arthur: It's not our fault that we’re playing robots.

Buster: I feel sorry for them, having that guy for a teacher.

Mr. Ratburn joins them peeling an apple.

Mr. Ratburn: Actually, Buster, Mr. Pryce-Jones was the best teacher I ever had. Some people say I'm a tough teacher...

Buster: No.

Arthur: Who says that?

Mr. Ratburn: ...but Mr. Pryce-Jones made us learn Latin in third grade.

Flashback: A class of Glenbrook students, including a young Mr. Ratburn, stand at their desks and recite Latin verbs.

Students: Sum, es, est, sumus, estis, sunt.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Again!

Students: Sum, es, est, sumus, estis, sunt.

Mr. Pryce-Jones makes the students race up the stairs of a slide and slide down.

Mr. Ratburn: And at recess, he pushed us to the limits of our strength.

Glenbrook Students: Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

The flashbacks end.

Mr. Ratburn: I learned a lot. It makes me wonder sometimes if I'm not a tough enough teacher.

''He leaves. The kids look horrified.''

***

Both classes sit in a tent at a long lunch table.

Buster: Mmm! This capon is good. It tastes just like chicken.

Rusty: Capon is chicken!

Glenbrook Students: (laugh)

Mr. Pryce-Jones: I have an extra helping of figgy pudding for the student who can answer a trivia question.

Glenbrook Students: Me, sir!

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Commendable enthusiasm, children. But let's give Lakewood the first try. Who was the sixteenth king of England? The Lakewood students look clueless. What? You mean you haven't taught them the song, Ratburn? Mr. Ratburn sinks down in his seat. Winky, C-sharp, please.

Winky blows a pitch pipe.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: 🎶 “Here's a song that's more historical than musical / to teach the kings of England in the order categorical." 🎶 Arthur looks at his watch. Twenty minutes pass. Mr. Pryce-Jones: 🎶 "And now you know a wondrous thing / all forty-two English kings!” 🎶

He takes a bow.

Glenbrook Students: (cheer)

The Lakewood students look either stunned or bored.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: I know you don't agree with all of my teaching methods, Ratburn, but you have to admit, they're more effective. The fact is, you can't beat us.

Mr. Ratburn: You may be right, sir.

Arthur: Did you hear that? If we keep losing, Mr. Ratburn may start teaching us like that guy! We have to win something.

Buster: How? We can't beat them. Mr. Pryce-Jones just said so and he's always right.

Arthur: Well, there must be something here we're good at. He looks at the list of events. Ha!

***

Buster is sitting at a table full of pies.

Arthur: A mincemeat-pie eating contest. This should be no sweat, Buster. Are you hungry, champ?

Buster: Yeah. Good thing I didn't win that figgy pudding.

The referee is a man dressed like a monk.

Monk: On your mark, get set...tuck in!

''Rusty (Glenbrook’s Buster) eats with knife and fork while Buster eats with his hands. After a while Buster is tired out.''

Buster: Must...eat...more! Oh! ''He pushes the rest of pie away and slumps on the table. Rusty is still eating.'' I don't understand. How can you keep eating? Where does it all go?

Rusty: Over the past few weeks, I've expanded my stomach with giant breakfasts. I now have an eighteen-liter capacity. Could you pass the ice cream, please?

Buster: Ugh!

***

''The next contest is a tennis match. Muffy is warming up.''

Francine: We’re so lucky they had tennis in the Middle Ages. Muffy's been playing since she was five.

''Buffy (Glenbrook’s Muffy) serves. The ball rips through Muffy’s modern tennis racquet.''

Muffy: Huh? This isn't a regulation tennis ball! It weighs a ton!

Buffy: It's what they played with in the 16th century, like this racquet.

Muffy: That piece of junk? It looks like it could have been used by Henry VIII!

Buffy: It was used by Henry V. He was my great-great-great-great-great-great uncle.

***

''The next contest is a quiz hosted by a man in a jester’s costume standing in front of a wheel with various topics. The candidates are Brain and his Glenbrook counterpart IQ.''

Buster: You can do it, Brain! I know you can! No-one's smarter than you.

The jester spins the wheel.

Jester: The wheel of Fortuna is constantly spinning. Someone is losing and someone is winning! The wheel stops at 20. All right. For twenty points, what do all the planets revolve around?

Brain: The sun! That was easy.

Jester: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is the Earth. Those points go to IQ.

Glenbrook Students: Hip-hip-hooray!

Brain: Huh? But that's wrong.

Jester: You have to give the answers that were thought correct during the Middle Ages.

Buster: Well, that's it. We've lost for sure now. Might as well get something to eat.

Francine: Eat? You just had six pies.

Buster: I feel empty inside.

Arthur: You go ahead. There's something I want to do.

***

Arthur tries pulling out the sword in the stone again.

Arthur: Grr... Why...won't you...move?

Nearby Mr. Haney is introducing his nephew and niece.

Mr. Haney: After seeing your results, Mr. Pryce-Jones, I know the children would benefit if you taught them.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Well, it's a generous offer. I'll definitely consider it.

***

Arthur runs to a table where Binky, Francine, Muffy and Buster are having snacks.

Buster: Hey, Arthur! Wanna try a unicorn dog? It tastes like capon.

Arthur: I just heard Principal Haney talking with Mr. Pryce-Jones and I think he wants to replace Ratburn with him.

Muffy: It's because we’ve lost every single game. We’ve disgraced Mr. Ratburn.

Buster: Mr. Pryce-Jones will probably hold us back for years so he can teach us over and over again.

Francine: All that's left is a castle-building contest. If we win that, maybe Mr. Haney will reconsider.

***

''The building contest is in a tent. The kids look at pictures of castles on the walls. Then they start building a colorful castle out of paper.''

The judge is a man dressed like bishop and wearing a fake beard.

Bishop: Hmm. Excellent crenellations.

Buster: Huh? Francine nudges him. Oof!

The judge turns a winch and lowers the castle’s drawbridge.

Bishop: Smooth! Well, I must say, this is a very creative piece of work.

Arthur: He really likes it. I think we won.

Bishop: But unfortunately, the contest is for the most historically accurate castle, therefore I must award the prize to Glenbrook.

Glenbrook Students: Yeah! All right! Veni, vidi, vici!

''The Lakewood students look downhearted. Mr. Pryce-Jones examines the Lakewood castle with a measuring tape.''

Mr. Pryce-Jones: You see, these arrow slits are much too wide. And in Old English, "Lakewood" would have an E on the end.

***

''Mr. Ratburn carries the Lakewood model to the bus. His students follow.''

Mr. Ratburn: I just want you all to know, I'm very proud. I'm going to have this castle put on display at school.

Francine: Mr. Ratburn doesn't even know he's being replaced.

Muffy: I feel so sorry for him.

Buster: Him? What about us? My brain hurts just thinking about Mr. Pryce-Jones.

Francine: Hey, Where's Arthur?

Arthur and the Glenbrook students stand by the sword in the stone, which Mr. Pryce-Jones is trying to pull out.

Sword Man: All your might won't set things right. ‘Tis a gentle hand will rule the land.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: (strains)

Arthur: Hey, I've got it.

Mr. Pryce-Jones gives up.

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Whoo!

Arthur touches the sword hilt lightly.

Francine: Arthur, Would you quit playing with that stupid sword? We have to go.

''Arthur gently pulls out the sword. A ray of light shines on him.''

Kids: (gasp)

Sword Man: We have a new king!

He kneels.

***

Arthur carries the sword to the man dressed as a bishop.

Bishop: I hereby proclaim you, Arthur Read, king of the medieval fair.

He puts a crown on Arthur’s head.

All: Hip-hip-hooray!

Mr. Pryce-Jones: Arthur out-thought not only all my students, but even me. I couldn't budge that sword. He shakes Mr. Ratburn’s hand. You taught that boy to think for himself. I couldn't have done it better.

Buster: Principal Haney, is Mr. Pryce-Jones still gonna be our teacher instead of Mr. Ratburn?

Mr. Haney: Of course not. The only ones Mr. Pryce-Jones will teach at Lakewood are my niece and nephew. He's going to be their private tutor.

The two kids look slightly worried.

Brain and Binky carry Arthur on their shoulders to the bus followed by their classmates.

***

The kids ride home on the bus.

Buster: I'm glad we don't have a really tough teacher like that Mr. Pryce-Jones. I bet he gave those kids homework tonight.

Mr. Ratburn: Homework? Thanks for reminding me. We lost a whole day of class. We need extra homework. I'd like a written report on medieval times by Monday, then perhaps a quiz on the rulers of England...