Arthur Sells Out/Transcript

Introduction
''The outside of an Egyptian pyramid. ''

Announcer: Somewhere in the ancient ruins of Egypt lies a horde buried deep beneath the desert sands. An unnatural force, bent on destruction, not dead, not alive and nothing can stop them. ''An explorer with a torch walks through a tunnel inside the pyramid. He finds a painting showing large cows attacking humans. Three mummified cows walk up to him.''

Explorer: Ooaaah! He runs away. ''The eyes on a sarcophagus light up. More moomies come out of sarcophagi.''

Announcer: The new video game from the makers of Extreme Gamma Cube: “Dark Bunny, Revenge of the Moomies”. Yes, it’s moomies as you’ve never seem them before. ''Dark Bunny appears in the pyramid. The moomies attack him. ''They’re big. They’re bad. And they’re much much madder. “Dark Bunny, Revenge of the Moomies”.

''Giant stone letters spelling out the title fall down outside the pyramid. Dark Bunny lands on them. The moomies walk below.''

Dark Bunny: It's milking time!

Arthur and Buster are watching the commercial on the Reads' TV.

Arthur+Buster: Cool!

Arthur: I've gotta have that.

Title Card: Arthur with Umbrella
Arthur and Buster are still sitting in front of the TV.

Buster: But how are you going to afford it?

Arthur: I could ask my parents for it, but they'll just say, if you really want it, you’ll have to buy it with your own money.

Arthur+Buster: (sigh)

Buster: If I bought everything I ever wanted, I'd have to have so many jobs, I'd never have time to play with the things I bought.

Arthur: Just like grown-ups.

Buster: Hey, I know how you can buy that game! Come on!

#

''Arthur and Buster open the garage. There is a large box full of old toys inside.''

Buster: Just like I figured. You are sitting on a gold mine

Arthur: I don't get it. It's a bunch of junk that no one play with anymore.

Buster: Hh! Ssh! Not junk, merchandise.

#

''Arthur sits at the computer. Buster looks through the box. ''

Buster: You can sell this stuff on the school newspaper's website. They've got a section for online ads. Hey, I remember these. ''He takes out a small box. Then he takes out a plane model. ''Anyway, you write a description of what you want to sell, set up a contact box at the paper, and submit it.

Arthur: But who’s gonna want this old stuff?

Buster: You'd be surprised. Some people’ll buy anything. He runs through the room with the plane making airplane noises. How much do you want for it?

Arthur: This is gonna be easy!

#

In the attic Arthur blow dust of an “Erector Set” box.

Arthur: (coughs)

''Under the bed he finds an action figure of a cowboy. He puts it down with other cowboy action figure and writes “8 cowboys” in his notebook. Kate grabs one figure and smashed it on the floor. It looses one arm. ''

Kate: (giggles)   Arthur puts the figure in a box.    (cries)    Arthur gives the figure to Kate and writes “7 cowboys” in his notebook.

#

Arthur sits at the computer. His mom looks over his shoulder.

Mrs. Read: Nice job, honey.

D.W.: What'ya doing?

Arthur: Writing an ad. I'm selling my old toys on the school's online paper. D.W. takes a stuffed hippopotamus out of the toy boy.

D.W.: Pee-yew! I hope whoever buys this stuff likes stinky toys.

Arthur: Hey! He takes the hippo away.

Mrs. Read: D.W.!

D.W.: Okay, okay, but that hippo needs a bath. Arthur types on the computer.

Arthur: “For sale, lots of old toys. If interested, e-mail ToyGuy22.”    He clicks ‘submit’.

#

A while later Arthur runs to the computer and clicks on the e-mail icon.

Computer: “ToyGuy22, you have no mail.”

Arthur: (sighs)

A while later he clicks again.

Computer: “ToyGuy22, you have no mail.”

Arthur: (sighs)

A while later he clicks continuously.

Computer: “No mail.”    “No mail.”      “No mail.”    “No mail.”

Arthur: I don't get it, why isn't anything selling?

#

Arthur, Buster and Muffy sit in the Sugar Bowl.

Muffy: I'll tell you why. There's no oomph. No pazazz. You don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle.

Buster: I told you Muffy would be able to help.

Arthur: But I'm selling toys.

Muffy: Exactly. „For sale, lots of old toys”. Ho-hum, you'll never make a sale with that pitch.

Arthur: I thought it was okay.

Muffy: "Okay" doesn't move merchandise. You need “spectacular”. Who’s is your target market? What about product branding? Where's the eye candy?

Arthur: Eye candy?

Muffy: Boy, do I have my work cut out for me!

#

''In the Reads’ house Muffy puts a white blanket on a table and a car on top of it. She takes a photograph.''

Muffy: A picture is worth a hundred words.

Arthur: You mean a thousand.

Muffy: Nah, this camera only has three megapixels. She takes another photo.

#

''Mrs. Read uploads the photographs on the web. Muffy sits at the computer.''

Muffy: Layout is important. An ad’s gotta be easy to read with bright colors that grab the buyer's attention. She adjusts background and font.

#

Muffy paces in Arthur’s room.

Muffy: Now description. Adjectives are key, but you can’t say just anything. You need to know the lingo. She takes a yoyo out of the box.   For instance, you don't say “old”, you say “retro”. She takes a toy car.   You don't say “banged-up”, you say “well-loved”. She throws the car aside.   And if something's a total wreck, you say “needs TLC" or "handyman special".     Arthur takes notes.

 #

''Arthur sits on the computer. He gets electronic offers for his toys and sells them. ''

#

Arthur stands in line in the cafeteria along with Buster, Muffy, Fern, Sue Ellen and Brain.

Buster: Wow! You made all that in one day?!

Arthur: I sold just about everything.

Buster: Even the Woogle?

Arthur: Yeah, they needed it to complete their set.

Buster: And they paid you money for it?!

Arthur: I've got some merchandise that isn’t moving, but I figure all I need is the right hook.

Muffy: Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy. It's time to pull out the aggressive tactics: celebrity endorsement.

Arthur+Buster: Huh?!

#

Muffy alks to Arthur on the phone.

Arthur: Celebrity endorsements?

Muffy: You think Bionic Bunny really loves Dippy Doodles? He's paid to say that!

Arthur: Don't tell Buster, it'd crush him!

Muffy: So, who do you know who's famous?

Arthur: Uh... Beauregard Poulet?

Muffy: Ha, yeah, he might work if you're selling chickens! Come on, we need someone really famous.

Arthur: That's it. I don't know anyone else.

Muffy: (sighs) Oh... okay, let's move onto raves.

#

''Muffy’s voice is still heard while Arthur and D.W. walk into the Sugar Bowl. ''

Muffy: A rave is when you drum up business in chat rooms or by talking on a phone where people can overhear you about a product, saying how great it is, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'd do it for you, but you can't afford my fee.

Arthur goes straight to the payphone and pretends to have a conversation.

Arthur: Hey, I thought you'd like to know where you can get some really cool toys. ToyGuy22 is selling stuff you can't get anywhere else and the prices are super cheap.

D.W.: Why are you yelling about yourself? ''Arthur looks embarrassed. Molly and James smile.''

#

''Arthur sits beside the toy box. Pal lies down in his lap.''

Arthur: These toys aren't selling, Pal. I'm not any good at raves, and I can't afford to hire Muffy to do them. ''He takes the hippo out of the box. ''Eugh, D.W. is right. It is kind of smelly. Hm. He turns to the computer and types:  “Stuffed hippo for sale, smells just like the real thing. Like having a real live hippo without the danger.”    ''Pal is holding a toy robot in his mouth. An arm falls off. Arthur picks it up.''    I can't say it's broken... No one would buy that. Wait, I know! “Robotron for sale, perfect for display.” Oh, I've got it. He dumps three toy soldiers from a small box in to a bigger box.   “Toy soldiers for sale, new, larger size. What a bargain.”

D.W.: Larger size? All you did was put it in a bigger box!

Arthur: D.W., you just don't understand marketing.

D.W.: Maybe, but I sure know what lying sounds like.

Arthur: It's not lying, it's advertising!

#

''Arthur, Buster and Muffy are selling the rest of the toys in the garage. James picks up the Robotron.''

James: Wow! This is so cool. He puts money on the table and runs off.

Muffy: Well, that's the last of your inventory. Congratulations.

Arthur: Wahoo! I've got enough money for Moomies. He high-fives Buster.

Buster: You must be the world's greatest salesman. I mean, how did you get James to buy a Robotron that loses its arms and legs every time you move it? Arthur collects the coins.

Arthur: Well, I sort of left that part out of my ad. But I said it was for display purposes. ''Outside, the Robotron loses its arms. James picks them up and goes to Arthur.''

James: Hey, Arthur, there's something wrong with this Robotron.

Buster: Yeah, it kind of does that. Arthur just forgot to mention it. But don’t worry. Arthur will give you your money back. Right, Arthur?

Muffy: Technically, Arthur, you are under no obligation to return any funds. As long as Arthur didn't lie, James doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Buster: Neither does his Robotron. You're gonna give him his money back, right? ''Arthur looks at Muffy who shakes her head. Buster nods.''

Arthur: (laughs nervously)  “Let the buyer beware”, I always say.

Buster: (gasps) Arthur, you can't do that.

Arthur: I said "display purposes".

Buster: Come on! Think how we felt when we bought some toy that wasn't what we thought it would be. Like those Sea Squirrels, remember?

''Flashback: Four-year-old Arthur and Buster have poured the content of a box labelled “Sea Squirrels” into a goldfish bowl. The result is a pink blob.''

Little Arthur: That doesn't look like a squirrel. It looks like something my baby sister spit up. He throws the box in the trash.

The flashback ends.

Arthur: But it's not like I said, you know, "action figure" or something. I said "for display purposes".

Buster: It's bad enough when grown-ups cheat kids, but when kids cheat kids, it's like a total meltdown of the fabric of our society. And who needs melty fabric? He puts a hand on James shoulder and they walk away.   Don't worry, James, I'm pretty good at fixing broken toys. I've broken tons of them.

James: Thanks.

Muffy: I suppose your ad could considered misleading. At most it's a misdemeanor. The worst you'll get is house arrest

Arthur: House arrest?!