Arthur vs. the Very Mean Crossing Guard

Summary
Arthur and the Brain are afraid of the new crossing guard who charges them $10 per trip and will send goons after them if they don't pay. They try to figure out ways to circumvent crossing the intersection before they realize the crossing guard's true intent.

Plot
Arthur enjoys tricking D.W. Read. She is afraid of sweaters. She is also afraid of filling up the tub because when she has to drain it, she would get sucked down the drain with the water. And obviously she is afraid of monsters in her room. He brags to The Brain about the time that D.W. believed that a Bionic Bunny poster could talk.

The Brain thinks she is very gullible but Arthur does not know what that word means. He later says that he forgot what it meant. They are on their way to play Fool The Mule at The Brain's house. The directions to Brain's house requires crossing the street and dealing with a crossing guard.

They see a new crossing guard, which asks for ten dollars. He also says that it is a new rule. He politely asks for small bills. Before they leave, he also warns them of goons.

The Brain checks his talking piggy bank and can not afford to walk home from school. (The mean crossing guard is only there during the afternoons.) They imagine Muffy riding her limo who thinks nothing wrong with paying for a high quality service. She thinks that Brain should have paid him and goes away. The Brain is still in tattered clothes with the crossing guard keeping him trapped in the middle of the divided street.

Since they do not know what goons are, they imagine being robbed by Baboons which also warn them about the Goons being next, and are the scariest.

The Brain begins scheming ways to detour. He meets Arthur during recess. The Brain makes his presentation. The drawings come to life.

Plan A: The Bridge.

(He avoids the angry crossing guard that says "Hey You. Ten Dollars. Give Me That Money." But the bridge cannot be carried home.)

Drawback: Storage.

Plan B: The Tunnel.

(The Brain digs away until he hits a sewage pipe. He finds an exit, which is across the street, but next to The Crossing Guard. He grumbles. "Hey. You. I Want. That!")

Drawback: Directions.

Plan C: The Balloon.

("Get Back. Here. Hey You. I WANT That." but The Brain floats away. However, he is caught in a "Kansas" storm, and crashes into a group of munchkins.)

Drawback: Getting blown off course; crash landing in a strange country populated by strange creatures; and having to declare myself wizard.

The presentation ends.

Arthur decides to not visit The Brain any more. This means that The Brain is fending for himself. The crossing guard is as cynical as ever. The Brain answers that they never committed any crimes. The crossing guard questions this defense by saying "Are you sure I never saw you in a 'Wanted' poster at the post office?! ... One false move and it's into the slammer with you." This terrifies The Brain to the point of sleepless nights with occasional night mares.

One of the night mares is about The Brain losing their house (but not their land) to the crossing guard. The crossing guard has the house hauled some where else. With no other buildings, motor homes, or any vehicles at all at the land, The Powers Family is now staying in a tent.

The Brain tells Arthur about his night, but at class The Brain bursts out "Oh What's The Point?! I Can't Think Any More! If Only My Parents Would Move Across The Street!" But Mr. Ratburn assumes it is about the assignment, and wants them to stop complaining. Not only Arthur invites The Brain over, but also Grandma Thora drives them later in the week. On their way to Arthur's house, they avoid The Crossing Guard again. He shouts that he will check every one of the traffic cameras. The two begin to talk in code.

"The penny jar sure is mean." "That's right. It's almost as bad as The Rug."

D.W. wants them to check her room. Arthur simply tells her that there is nothing there.

Thora takes them home, but takes the same route. She stops at the cross walk with Ted. They hide in the floor with Thora and D.W. complaining. Thora says that she knows Ted, but stops Ted when they tell him about demanding money. While she is talking to him, they talk with D.W., who laughs at their suspicions. Thora and Ted apologize to them.

Ted has learned his lesson about being mean.

That evening, Arthur confesses to D.W., who once again has tricked Arthur into doing things for her.

The next day, they play along with Ted's Jokes. Ted makes sure that they cross the street safely.

Major

 * Arthur Read
 * The Brain
 * Ted Glass

Minor

 * D.W. Read
 * Thora Read
 * Muffy Crosswire
 * Nigel Ratburn
 * George Lundgren

Cameo

 * Jessica
 * Ricky
 * Binky Barnes
 * Fern Walters
 * Francine Frensky
 * Rattles
 * Steve
 * Sue Ellen Armstrong
 * Jenna Morgan
 * Fletcher
 * Mr. Powers
 * Mrs. Powers
 * Alex
 * 3rd Grade Male Rabbit
 * 3rd Grade Female Aardvark

Trivia

 * At the very beginning of the episode, Arthur looks under D.W.'s bed. A doll under the bed that looks like D.W. can be seen on the left of the screen, except the doll's head or face is not seen.
 * The Baboon with the Green Hat who warns Arthur about the goons is voiced by legendary voice actor who was uncredited for the role.
 * Moral:  Don't threaten people for your own benefits.

Cultural references

 * In one of Brain's plans, he makes a reference to The Wizard of Oz.
 * Ted Glass referred to Arthur and The Brain as "The Gruesome Twosome" - a reference to the Hanna-Barbera series Wacky Races.

Errors

 * When Muffy's limo stops next to Brain, it is shown to have only two windows on one side, while it normally has three.
 * In a shot of the classroom, Jessica is shown sitting next to Sue Ellen, despite her not being in Mr. Ratburn's class. In the same shot, Alex is colored white and wears a pale-green-blue shirt identical to Patrick's.
 * In class, Brain has his drawing of ideas of how to avoid the crossing guard in front of him, but when Mr. Ratburn clears his throat, the drawing disappears. Then, when Mr. Ratburn walks over to the desk, it looks like he's much taller than normal.
 * The ribbon around Stanley's neck is shown to be brown in this episode. However, it is normally yellow.
 * Possible: When Grandma Thora stops at the crosswalk, the school is shown behind the car. This doesn't make sense, as the crosswalk was generally shown to be nearer to the public road.

Home Video
DVD: VHS:
 * Arthur's School of Hard Knocks
 * Arthur: The Complete Series 3
 * Arthur's School of Hard Knocks