Desk Wars/Transcript

Opening
(Arthur and the kids are studying)

Arthur: (to the viewers) You can learn a lot about a person just from what's in their desk. For instance, in Francine's desk...

Francine: Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Arthur: We're looking in your desk to see how neat or messy it is, stuff like that.

Francine: No way, it's off-limits. Try Buster's desk.

Buster: Hey, that's not fair! If he can't look in yours, then he can't look in mine. Try Binky's.

Binky: He's going to get more than he bargained for if he tries to open my desk.

Arthur: Come on, guys, it's for the show.

Francine: That's another thing: How come you're the one who gets to introduce the show?

Arthur: Because it's my show.

Binky: Well, maybe that needs to change.

Mr. Ratburn: (to the viewers) I knew this would happen eventually. Unfortunately, kids can be rather petty sometimes. Here, follow me.

Binky: I'm calling it the Binky Barnes Variety Hour, and anyone who doesn't like it can walk!

(Cut to the hallway)

Mr. Ratburn:I'll show you around the teachers' lounge. The nice thing about adults is that we don't blow little things out of proportion.

(Cut to inside the teachers' lounge)

Miss Sweetwater: I didn't move your cheese!

Mr. Haney: Yes, you did! Mr. Marco said so!

Ms. Krasny: All right, who isn't washing their coffee mugs?

(Mr. Ratburn immediately closes the door and smiles sheepishly to the viewers as it fades to black)

Title Card
Binky: (VO) "Desk Wars"

Arthur: Yee-ha!

Mr. Ratburn's Classroom
(The scene opens with the shot of the sun, then we fade to inside Mr. Ratburn's classroom; Binky's feet is on George's desk)

Sue Ellen: Binky, just because George is absent today doesn't mean you can put your feet on his chair.

Mr. Ratburn: Binky, put your shoes on your feet and off the chair, thank you. Now, as I was saying, the United Nations was established after World War II to prevent future conflicts and foster cooperation between countries. Its organizations include the United Nations Children's Fund...

Francine: They're getting more breeze than everyone else.

Arthur: Yeah, it's not fair. And it smells funny over here.

Buster: Maybe the heat is affecting the sandwich in my desk.

Francine: Why did you bring a sandwich on Pizza Day?

Buster: I didn't. It's from the last time we had tuna fish in the cafeteria. It's my emergency sandwich.

Arthur: That was a whole month ago.

Francine: And it's polluting my air. Get rid of it.

Buster: Well, it's my sandwich in my desk, so no way. Besides, I'm not even sure I could find it.

Francine: Well, could you at least stop fanning the smell in my direction?

Arthur: Hey, I don't want the smell either.

Mr. Ratburn: Arthur, Francine, Buster, am I going to have to split you up? Where was I? Oh, yes, the World Food Program...

Arthur: Hey, is that the latest issue of Bionic Bunny?

Buster: Yeah, it's really good. Here, you can borrow it.

Arthur: Thanks.

Mr. Ratburn: The International Fund for Agriculture...

Buster: My dad made these cookies. We can share them later.

Francine: Bionic Bunny's old news. The Judo Kittens are where it's at. Hey, Muffy, do you have those Judo Kitten stickers you promised me?

Muffy: (gives a judo shout; a piece of paper lands on her desk) Brain, get your papers out of my space.

Brain: I've just completed an upgrade of my desk. I've added a supplies dispenser. Press this button, for instance, and a pencil is delivered to you automatically. And it's all energized by a solar panel that I've put here.

Muffy: That's great, Brain, but your papers keep sliding onto my desk.

Brain: They're my calculations showing that I'm receiving more breeze than anyone else in the class. Look.

Muffy: Great, but can you keep your papers a little more tidy? It's ruining our feng shui.

Brain: Our what?

Mr. Ratburn: Alan, Muffy, keep it down over there.

Muffy: Oh, and we need you to hang this off the side of your desk.

Mr. Ratburn: (rambling on)

Fern: It's a dust ruffle.

Brain: Huh?

Muffy: I bought the fabric and Fern sewed it. We girls want to spruce up our desk area a bit.

Brain: But it's so girly. And it blocks my solar panel. And it's my desk!

Muffy: Brain! Put that ruffle back up right now!

Mr. Ratburn: All right, I've had enough. Alan, move to George's desk for the rest of the day.

Brain: What?! But... but it was Muffy's...

Mr. Ratburn: You heard me.

(Fade to Brain sitting next to Binky)

Mr. Ratburn: The International Civil Aviation....

Brain: It's so much hotter over here. In fact, according to my calculations, the only desk warmer than this one is yours, Binky.

Binky: Hey, that's not fair.

Brain: And what's all this pink sticky stuff? And his chair squeaks. And what in the world is this?!

Sue Ellen: George has been working on that all year. It's a dinosaur made out of wads of gum.

Brain: Great...

Binky: Ah, that's nothing. Check out my rubber band ball. I've been adding to it all year.

(While Mr. Ratburn is continuing his lecture, Brain stares at his desk, then Muffy who just shrugs, making Brain glare at her. Cut to Arthur, Francine and Buster)

Francine: Hey, We should have an argument. Ratburn will split us up, and one of us will get to sit at Brain's desk.

Arthur: But I like my desk.

Buster: Come on, Arthur, have an argument with us.

Arthur: I don't want to have an argument with you!

Mr. Ratburn: Arthur, Buster, I warned you. Arthur, go sit at Alan's desk.

Arthur: Huh?!

(Cut back to the orange sun, and then to Brain who is sweating)

Brain: (thinking) I can't believe Arthur's sitting at my desk. And he's messing with my supplies dispenser!

(Cut to Arthur dispensing erasers out of Brain's desk. Mr. Haney then comes in and whispers something to Mr. Ratburn)

Mr. Ratburn: Class, I have to take an important phone call. While I'm gone, pick one of the United Nations agencies and write a report on it.

Everyone: (groaning)

(Cut back to the orange sun, then back to the fan and Arthur in it)

Francine: That's so like Arthur. (pans to Francine and Buster) He's always betraying his friends.

Buster: So don't even try coming back.

Francine: Yeah, we're going to recruit somebody else for our group.

Binky: Hey, I'll join. Arthur's desk has got to be cooler than mine.

Brain: But that'll mean I'm sitting in the worst desk in the whole class. And it's all Muffy's fault!

Sue Ellen: Brain, it just doesn't matter. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath, then work on my report.

Brain: I want my desk back!

Arthur: I can't believe Binky's at my desk. Oh, and sweating on it.

Muffy: I've run out of lead for my mechanical pencil. Arthur, hand me one of Brain's pencils.

Arthur: But won't he mind?

Muffy: Oh, no, Brain's always happy to loan me his pencils.

Brain: I can't believe it! Arthur, how could you give her my pencil?

Muffy: Oops!

(Muffy sees a pencil sharpener and goes to sharpen Brain's pencil, but she gasps when she sees Brain going after her so she sits back down)

George: Hi, guys, my dentist appointment ended early. Uh, hi, Brain. Um, could I have my desk back?

Brain: Talk to Arthur.

(Cut to George with Arthur)

Arthur: Talk to Binky.

(Cut to George with Binky)

Binky: I'm not moving. I like it here. And don't even think of sitting at my old desk. That's mine, too.

George: What's the matter with everyone today? Must be the heat.

(Cut to George doing his report next to the computer; then back to Muffy and Fern)

Muffy: Arthur, would you get out another pencil from Brain's desk, please?

Arthur: I can't do that, Muffy. They aren't my pencils to lend.

Muffy: George, would you be a dear and sharpen this pencil for me? You can be an honorary member of our table if you do.

Brain: (growls)

George: Really? You mean I can sit with you guys?

Muffy: Uh, no, it's only an honorary membership. But what do you say, will you?

Brain: George, give me that pencil or your friend here gets it. (George begins to panic)

Sue Ellen: Hey, that's not fair! I've watched George work on that dinosaur all year! If you destroy it, Binky's rubber band ball gets tossed out the window.

Binky: Hey!

Muffy: George, don't listen to them! Give the pencil to me or Brain's desk gets covered in Judo Kitten stickers.

Francine: Hey! You promised me those stickers. If you waste them on Brain's desk, your dust ruffle is toast.

Fern: Hey! Cut up that dust ruffle and Arthur's comic book gets shredded!

Buster: Hey, that's my comic book! And if it gets even a single tear... I'm eating all of Arthur's cookies!

Arthur: Hey!

(George then begins to hum nervously under pressure)

Muffy: So what's it going to be, George?

(George then resumes sharpening the pencil. He pulls it out, but the lead breaks off. He tries again, but the tip of the pencil gets twisted up, so George tries again under pressure from his friends staring at him.)

Brain: George, now, I've also got Sue Ellen's United Nations report.

Sue Ellen: Hey!

Brain: Whittle down that pencil any more and it's history!

(George sees the pencil is getting smaller from the sharpening making Arthur gasp which startles Brain so much that he knocks over the book which destroy's George's gum dinosaur)

George: No!

Sue Ellen: I warned you! (She proceeds to throw the rubber band ball out the window causing Binky to destroy the pencil causing Brain to tear up Sue Ellen's report)

Muffy: Kitten number one... Kitten number two...

Brain: No! My desk!

Francine: I warned you, Muffy! (She proceeds to cut the sheet causing Fern to scream and tear up Buster's comic book)

Buster: My comic! (Buster then proceeds to eat Arthur's cookies)

Arthur: My cookies!

(Arthur then runs to Buster who throws the remaining cookies at Jenna, who then ducks from the stuff heading towards her, and soon the whole class starts to fight, including Fern throwing sheets of paper at the fan. Buster then takes out the moldy sandwich and throws it which almost hits Mr. Haney as he walks in)

Mr. Haney: What in Aunt Betsy is going on here?!

(At this, the kids all start to complain)

Mr. Haney: Quiet, everybody! Since this class is normally a well-behaved group of children, I'm going to give you an opportunity to work together to clean up this mess. But if you don't, you'll all be staying after school and I'll help you work it out. I'll be back. (Sees the moldy sandwich) Yuck.

Binky: Well, I'll gather all the erasers.

Francine: No fair! That's the easiest job! And this mess is all your fault.

Binky: My fault?! What about Muffy?

Muffy: What did I do?

Arthur: He ate my cookies!

Brain: I didn’t do anything!

Arthur: (turns to George in surprise, along with Brain, Muffy, Francine and Binky) George, why are you cleaning up? You didn’t make any of this mess.

George: I don’t mind cleaning up. You guys make such a big deal out of everything.

Francine: I suppose I could straighten the desks.

Brain: I'll rewrite Sue Ellen's U.N. report.

Binky: I'll get a mop.

(Cut to everyone working on their reports in the now clean classroom)

Mr. Ratburn: I just got off the phone with my sister. And I'm an uncle! Oh, and what a wonderful, peaceful classroom this is on a lovely bright sunny day!

Muffy's Backyard
Arthur: This is great! It was really nice of you to invite the whole class over, Muffy.

Muffy: It was the least I could do. We all needed to cool down.

Binky: Hey, what started that fight anyway?

Buster and Brain: I don't know. (A boinging sound is heard)

Buster: Hey, do you hear that noise?

(Suddenly, Binky's rubber band ball bounces in the backyard and hits Muffy making her fall in the pool)

Binky: My rubber band ball! Hey, come back here!

Francine: Close the gate so it doesn't bounce out!

Buster: It's headed for the topiary!

Sue Ellen: Let's help him corner it! (Everyone chases after the ball as the scene fades to black, ending the episode)