Arthur's Substitute Teacher Trouble/Transcript

(Open on the episode, as the Lakewood Elementary School students leave the building. Arthur and Buster are each carrying a large stack of books.)

Arthur: Our homework for tonight is to read all there is to know about how clouds form. Miss Sweetwater's class is studying clouds too. But their homework is to just look at some clouds.

(Arthur and Buster glance down at Mary and 3rd Grade Male Dog lying on their backs, looking up at the clouds where one of them forms into a shape that looks like an animal.)

3rd Grade Male Dog: (pointing up at the sky, to Mary) It looks like a bunny.

Mary: Yeah. It's so cute.

(Back to Arthur and Buster)

Arthur: (to the viewers) That's because our teacher, Mr. Ratburn, is the toughest teacher on Earth.

(Fade to a flashback at the Elwood City Zoo, where Mr. Ratburn and his class have gone on a field trip to.)

Arthur: He turns everything into schoolwork. Even a field trip to the zoo.

(Arthur, Francine, and Muffy are looking at an exhibit of a Galapagos Turtle when Mr. Ratburn walks up next to Francine.)

Mr. Ratburn: Francine, what is the average lifespan of a Galapagos Turtle?

(Francine looks at Muffy for help, but Muffy walks quickly away. Cut to Arthur, Buster, Brain and Mr. Ratburn looking at a rhinoceros.)

Mr. Ratburn: Arthur, what is a rhino's horn made of?

(Arthur looks at the screen, unsure of an answer. Cut to Buster holding an ice cream cone. As Mr. Ratburn walks up to him, Buster gets frightened.)

Mr. Ratburn: Buster, at what temperature does ice cream solidify?

(Buster holds out his ice cream for Arthur to take as he walks up.)

Buster: (to Arthur) Here, I'm suddenly not hungry.

(Fade back to the present, as Arthur and Buster continue to walk through the neighborhood with their stacks of books.)

Arthur: No tougher teacher has been discovered this side of the planet, Neptune.

(Arthur walks over a crack on the sidewalk. Unfortunately, for Buster, he steps into the crack, trips on it, drops his stack of books and slips and falls into a puddle of muddy water.)

Buster: Aw, sometimes I wish Mr. Ratburn would just disappear.

(Intertitle)

ARTHUR'S SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TROUBLE

Writer: Joe Fallon --- Storyboard by: Nadja Cozic

Francine: (v.o.) Arthur's Substitute Teacher Trouble

(Pal barks)

Arthur: Hi.

(Come back to the story where we're in Mr. Ratburn's class. Each group of students has a globe at their desks. Mr. Ratburn has one at his desk.)

Mr. Ratburn: Now class... (clears throat) Excuse me, I have a tickle in my throat. Plot to the latitude and longitude of Ulan Bator (clears throat again).

(Arthur looks through the window toward Miss Sweetwater's class.)

Miss Sweetwater: Everyone, close your eyes.

(Her students do so.)

Miss Sweetwater: Now, find your nose.

(Each of her students put their fore-finger up to edge of their nose. Arthur turns back and grabs his forehead, shaking his head. Mr. Ratburn walks up to him.)

Mr. Ratburn: (croaky) Ahem... Arthur, do you have a headache?

Arthur: Do I? (straightens up suddenly) I mean, no.

(The school bell rings and the class begins to leave.)

Mr. Ratburn: After lunch, we'll review last night's math... (clears throat) homework. (He waves the students away.)

***

(Cut to Mr. Ratburn walking into Mr. Haney's office.)

Mr. Ratburn: (hoarse voice) Mr. Haney, I ---.

Mr. Haney: What is it, man? Speak up.

Mr. Ratburn: I... I can't do... the class, I...

(Mr. Haney turns to look to see three students watching through the open window. He goes to shut it and waves to the students to go away. Mr. Haney returns back to his desk.)

Mr. Haney: Now, what did you say?

(Mr. Ratburn points to his throat as he tries to clear it.)

Mr. Haney: Ratburn, I hate to tell this, but I think you're losing your voice.

(Mr. Ratburn tries to clear his throat once more.)

Mr. Haney: Whatever you wanted to tell me will just have to wait until you're feeling better.

***

(Cut to Mr. Haney leading Mr. Ratburn's class into the classroom and walks up to the teacher's desk to make an announcement.)

Mr. Haney: Children, I have some bad news.

Buster: (whispering to Arthur) He's gonna say we have to go to school all summer, I know it!

Mr. Haney: Mr. Ratburn is ill and will be out for the rest of the week.

(As Mr. Haney begins to leave the classroom, the students fall silent. When Mr. Haney closes the door behind him the students begin to cheer loudly.)

(Everything happens in a split-second: Mr. Haney quickly comes back to open the door and gives the class a suspicious look, but they all quickly go silent and have their eyes closed as the look down at their books, feeling nonchalant.)

Mr. Haney: You may use this time to do homework while I arrange for a substitute teacher.

(Mr. Haney leaves the classroom and closes the door again. Binky has drawn a picture of a square-shaped monster with claw-like fingers that is roaring.)

Binky: (growling)

Francine: (whispering to Arthur) Do you think the substitute will be Mr. Elkin again?

Arthur: I hope not!

(Flashback in the same setting where Mr. Elkin walks up to the desk containing Arthur, Buster, Francine, and Brain. Mr. Elkin leans forward to look at how they're doing with their work.)

Arthur: Mr. Elkin, is this right?

(Mr. Elkin turns to look at Arthur, but as he does so, his antlers hit Buster and knock him and his chair to the ground. The others duck to avoid being hit too.)

Buster: Whoa!

Mr. Elkin: Oh, sorry.

Francine: (annoyed) Ugh.

Buster (V.O.): Mr. Elkin wasn't as bad as Mrs. Bofini.

(Flashback 2. Mrs. Bofini is sitting on the teacher's desk and chewing loudly on an apple.)

Mrs. Bofini: Spell leather.

(The students try to spell "leather", but they can't because their substitute teacher is chewing with her mouth open and talking while eating)

Arthur (V.O.): The worst substitute teacher was Ms. Tremello!

Buster (V.O.): Who mumbled everything.

(Flashback 3. Ms. Tremello writes on the board as she mumbles unknown words.)

Buster: What did she say?

''Arthur: I dont know. Your ears are bigger than mine.''

(Flashback ends)

Arthur: The best of all was Ms. Blank.

Buster: Who?

Francine: Don't you remember Ms. Blank?

(Flashback 4)

Miss Sweetwater: ''Your substitute teacher, Ms. Blank, is unable to come in, so have fun coloring today. I'll be by later with some snacks.''

(End of flashback)

Buster: Ah, Ms. Blank.

(Mr. Haney returns. The class are on the edge of their seats, anxious for the news.)

Buster: Who's our substitute? Ms. Blank?

Mr. Haney: Good news. Your substitute will be Mr. Ratburn's own sister, Miss Ratburn!

(Everyone gasps in horror.)

Mr. Haney: I'm sure she'll be just as much fun as Mr. Ratburn.

(Buster's mouth falls open. He tries closing it, but it still falls open. Mr. Haney leaves the classroom, while the class looks upset.)

***

(Fade to Arthur, Buster, and Francine at the Tree House.)

Arthur: Maybe Ratburn's sister will look nothing like him at all!

Francine: What are the chances of that? They grew up in the same house, Arthur!

Arthur: Oh yeah...

(Fade to a black and white style flashback-fantasy of Mr. Ratburn and Miss Ratburn as toddlers. Miss Ratburn, who's wearing a diaper, is in a crib, with an educational laptop, while Mr. Ratburn comes up to the crib holding a book. Francine talks while this plays.)

Francine (V.O.): I bet even when they were babies, they were Ratburns.

Toddler Mr. Ratburn: Hey, can you spell "antediluvian"?

''Toddler Miss Ratburn: Of course. Can't you? Now stop bothering me. I'm doing calculus.''

(Toddler Miss Ratburn begins typing and complicated calculus math appears on the screen.)

Francine (V.O.): And that's just when they were babies. When they got older...

(We now see the Ratburns look like eight or seven year olds now. They're at the kitchen, where Mr. Ratburn is pouring a box of nails in a bowl for breakfast at the table and Miss Ratburn walks up.)

Seven-Year-Old Miss Ratburn: Are you having nails for breakfast again?

''Seven-Year-Old Mr. Ratburn: Of course. Want some?''

(Seven-Year-Old Miss Ratburn goes to sit down at and goes to pour the nails in her own bowl. Eight-Year-Old Ratburn holds out a carton of milk.)

Seven-Year-Old Mr. Ratburn: Milk?

Seven-Year-Old Miss Ratburn: No, I eat my nails without milk.

(Seven-Year-Old Mr. Ratburn pours milk over his nails and spots a screw with the nails. He starts to take it out.)

''Seven-Year-Old Miss Ratburn: Is that a screw? I'll take it. They're the best part.''

(Fade to a College University.)

Francine (V.O.): And imagine them in college.

(College Mr. Ratburn walks through the college grounds, carrying a stack of books. College Miss Ratburn appears on a forklift that is carrying stacks of books. College Mr. Ratburn hands College Miss Ratburn a sheet of paper.)

''College Mr. Ratburn: Here. Even though your teacher gave you a perfect grade on your final, I found a mistake he missed. I informed your teacher, and he's lowering your grade.''

''College Miss Ratburn: (furious and jumps down from the forklift and gives College Mr. Ratburn back the paper after looking it over) Oh really? Well, you know that new star you discovered? I checked and for your edification, it was just gas. I notified the observatory. They're taking your name off the Honor Roll.''

(College Mr. Ratburn grits his teeth with fury, wrinkles the paper, and puts his stack of books onto the forklift. He then walks up to College Miss Ratburn.)

''College Mr. Ratburn: (growls) Why must you compete with me? You know I'm smarter.''

College Miss Ratburn: Are not.

College Mr. Ratburn: Am too.

(The two siblings get into each other's faces.)

College Miss Ratburn: Are not, not, not.

College Mr. Ratburn: Am too, too, too!

College Miss Ratburn: (laughs) You sound like a train.

''College Mr. Ratburn: (seething with anger) Who invented little sisters, anyway? I'll show you! One day I'll be the toughest teacher in the universe!''

''College Miss Ratburn: No you wont! I'll be even tougher!''

(Transition back to the Tree House in the present.)

Arthur, Buster, and Francine: (moaning) Aww, great.

Buster: Maybe it's not too late to change schools.

***

(Fade to David Read and Jane Read in the Read's living room, looking at sheets of work charts.)

David: I don't know how I'm gonna get all this work done tomorrow.

(Arthur walks in.)

Arthur: I could stay home from school and help you.

David: No thanks, Arthur.

(Arthur puts his hands in his pockets and walks away. Fade to David and Jane saying goodnight to Arthur.)

Arthur: Can I stay home from school tomorrow?

David: Are you sick?

Arthur: No. I should help you with your work. I don't want you to lose the business. I'm thinking of Kate's future.

David: Arthur, come on. School can't be that bad.

(David turns off Arthur's lamp and leaves the room. Arthur groans and puts the covers over his head.)

Arthur: You have no idea.

***

The next morning the class sits in the classroom waiting for the teacher.

Francine: I've got a plan. If she's anything like her brother, I'm getting sent home with a stomachache.

Arthur'': Maybe I'll lose my glasses at lunch and get sent home.

A silhouette appears outside the door.

Class: (whisper)

Miss Ratburn comes in.

Miss Ratburn: Good morning, class. I'm Miss Rodentia Ratburn. My brother has filled me in on everything.

Buster: Get ready to work like dogs...

Miss Ratburn: Well, let's not waste any time. Everyone together, let's recite the one times table. Begin.

Class: One times one is one. One times two is two. One times three is three...

Francine does not recite.

Francine: The one times table? Does she think we are babies?

Arthur: Who cares? It's easy.

Class: One times six is six. One times seven is seven...

***

Later, Miss Ratburn holds up translucent blue and yellow discs.

Miss Ratburn: What color do yellow and blue make?

Class: Green!

Binky: This is the easiest day of school ever.

Miss Ratburn: Okay, everyone, read this word.

She holds up a picture of a dog with the word spelled out.

Class: (bored) Dog.

Miss Ratburn: Good, Good! Now for something a bit more difficult.

She holds up the word “Cat”.

***

Later, Miss Ratburn plays the guitar while the class looks partly bored and partly embarrassed.

Miss Ratburn: (sings) “I like fudge, I like fudge. If you ask me what I like, I say I like fudge.”

Miss Sweetwater next door is also playing the guitar while her students clap.

Arthur: Shocking!

***

Later, Miss Ratburn holds a clown puppet.

Miss Ratburn: And what season comes after fall?

Francine: Winter.

Miss Ratburn: You're right. Hooray!

Brain stands up.

Brain: For goodness sake, we're in third grade, you know!

Miss Ratburn holds the puppet in his face.

Miss Ratburn: You mean this work is too easy?

Brain: Uh-huh.

''Sue Ellen nods as well. Binky is asleep.''

Miss Ratburn: Then let's do the two times table. Everyone: Two times one...

Class: Is two. Two times two is four. Two times three is six. Two times four is eight…

Arthur: This is the longest day of my life. Is it time to go home yet?

Buster: It's only ten o'clock... a.m.

Class: Two times eight is sixteen. Two times nine is eighteen.

Francine doodles on a sheet of paper.

Muffy: (yawns)

Class: Two times ten is twenty.

Sue Ellen dozes off and wakes with a start.

Class: Two times eleven is twenty-two.

A thought bubble appears above Brain showing his brain dissolving and leaking out of his skull.

Class: Two times twelve is twenty four.

''Buster looks at it watch and hits it with his finger. Then he slumps on the desk.''

Class: Two times thirteen is twenty-six. Two times fourteen is…

In his imagination, Buster walks along a beach and sees a toppled Statue of Liberty looking like Miss Ratburn holding her clown puppet.

Buster: (yells)

''The fantasy ends. Arthur looks at an hourglass in front of the window. The last bit of sand hesitates and jumps around the glass, but eventually falls down.''

Miss Ratburn: (sighs) My, where has the time gone? What a wonderful day! I don't believe in giving homework, so rest your brains. Tomorrow we'll all read aloud from “Spotty goes a-counting”.

She holds up a book showing a cute dog while the bell rings.

Brain: Don’t panic. Just get home to your computer. Hurry! Hurry!

He runs out.

***

That afternoon, Arthur, Buster and Francine sit in the treehouse.

Francine: It took all my strength to keep from screaming.

Buster: I thought the Brain was gonna cry.

Arthur: I actually miss Mr. Ratburn.

Buster+Francine: (gasp)

Francine: So do I!

***

The next morning, Francine walks up to her seat.

Arthur: I thought you were staying home sick?

Francine: I didn’t have a temperature, I wasn’t throwing up, no odd rashes, so my mom said I had to come.

Mr. Haney comes in.

Mr. Haney: Boys and girls, your substitute Miss Ratburn won't be coming to school today. Because Mr. Ratburn returned early.

Mr. Ratburn comes in.

Class: (cheer)

''They throw up hats and wave a flag. Mr. Haney leaves as Mr. Ratburn walks to his desk.''

Mr. Ratburn: Quiet. Quiet, I'm back. The fun and games are over. Now for math. We're going to work extra hard to make up the lost time.

Two of Miss Sweetwater’s students look over.

Girl: Oh no, he’s back.

Boy: Boy, I feel sorry for those kids.

Miss Sweetwater: Okay, children, it’s storytime with Mr. Clown.

''She is holding two puppets. Arthur looks over to them while doing Mr. Ratburn’s assignment.''

Arthur: Boy, I feel sorry for those kids.

Buster: Hey, this is tough.

Arthur: Yeah.