Arthur the Unfunny/Transcript

#
Arthur: MOM! D.W. used my good pencil sharpener to sharpen crayons again!

D.W.: Did not!

Arthur: Then how come it’s full of crayon?

D.W.: Pal did it!

Arthur: He couldn’t, he doesn’t have thumbs.

D.W.:  thinks     Gotta go!

#
D.W.: to Kate:   Oh, it’s hard having a sister who’s perfect. You’ll get used to it.

#
Francine: I heard about another kid once who had no sense of humor, and he grew up to be Mr. Ratburn.

In their imagination Arthur turns into Mr. Ratburn.

Arthur Ratburn: Eight times seven divided by four. Quickly, quickly!

Francine: He’s the future Ratburn. (girls laugh)   Run!

Muffy: Run for your life! Get away from us! The girls run away.

Brain: Girls are scientifically inexplicable.

Binky: You said it! That means “weird”, right?

Brain: Yeah.

Binky: You said it!

#
The kids are sitting on the school steps as Arthur arrives.

Muffy: Look out, it’s…

Arthur: Hold it, you’re right. I’m not funny. I don’t have to be a clown. Not everybody has to be funny. The others start humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic. If everyone was as funny as the people on TV, there’d be no reason to watch TV. And if nobody watched TV, all the people who make the shows would have no jobs, and all the companies that advertise would go out of business. So, by not being funny I’m saving the jobs of thousands and thousands of people and their families! He leaves.

Fern: Wow, I hope someday I can be as important as Arthur.