Lights, Camera... Opera!/Transcript

Introduction
The Reads are at an art gallery with abstract paintings.

D.W.: Yuck.

Arthur: Sometimes it seems like the world can be split into two parts: things that adults like and things that kids like. Take movies…

Flashback: Arthur and his parents walk out of a movie theater advertising “Il Stranieri”.

Mr. Read: And when Claudio and Pepidipo threw coins into the fountain…

Mrs. Read: Just heartbreaking.

Arthur: But nothing happened! It was about two people who never even meet.

Mrs. Read: Oh, that’s why it’s so wonderful.

Mr. Read blows his nose.

''The flashback ends. Arthur is now standing in front of a painting.''

Arthur: And then there’s art. I don’t know a single kid who…

Muffy walks up to the painting.

Muffy: Isn't it fabulous? Have you ever seen a more beautiful... (reads catalogue) "depiction of the dialectic between form and formlessness?"

Arthur: You can't honestly tell me that you like this.

Muffy: Erm, well... No. Not really. But I wanna like it. Daddy owns six by this artist.

Mr. Crosswire comes.

Mrs. Crosswire: I’ll take this one too. Won’t that look great opposite your bed, Muffin?

Muffy: Oh yeah. Great.

The artist puts a red sticker on the nameplate.

Title Card: Slot Machine: Muffy
''The Crosswires are having breakfast. Bailey raises the lid on Muffy’s plate. There is a small envelope saying “Ticket” on her toast.''

Muffy: (gasps) Are these tickets to the Tween Dream concert? Daddy, you shouldn't have!

Mr. Crosswire: I didn't. But they're tickets to something I hope you'll like just as much, the opera.

Muffy: Oh.

Mr. Crosswire: It's the opening night of Bizet's Carmen, one of my all-time favorites. Such passionate music.

Mrs. Crosswire: Oh, Rodney Gilfry is playing Escamillo. Oh, it kills me not to go! But I have the country club charity auction that night.

Mr. Crosswire: And we have orchestra seats. What do ya say, Muffin? Wanna be my date?

Muffy: Okay. But I'm going to need something to wear.

Mr. Crosswire: Sky's the limit, Pumpkin.

He puts money in front of her.

 Title Card: Slot Machine: Muffy 

***

Muffy is shopping for dresses with Francine and Prunella.

Francine: How about this?

Muffy: This is the opera we're talking about, not a rodeo!

Prunella: You know what the opera is? People in silly costumes singing in a language you don’t even understand!

Muffy: Maybe it's just too sophisticated for you to appreciate, Prunella.

She goes into a changing cubicle.

Prunella: Oh yeah? Well, I've actually been to an opera, your Highness! It was four and a half hours long. I fell asleep in act one, woke up in act three, and there was another whole act to go! You probably won't even make it through the overture.

Muffy comes out wearing a white dress.

Muffy: Well?

Francine: You look like a rice pudding!

Muffy goes back into the cubicle.

***

Muffy knocks on Bailey’s door.

Bailey: Come in, Miss Muffy.

Muffy comes in.

Muffy: Bailey. Do you know anything about opera?

Bailey: Indeed, Miss Muffy.

Muffy: I was thinking that it might be good for me to hear a little before Friday.

Bailey: Certainly. ''He points to a chair. Then he blows on a pitch pipe while Muffy sits down.'' (sings:) “Winterstürme wichen dem Wonnemond. In mildem Lichte leuchtet der Lenz. Auf linden…” [Translation: Winter storms gave way to a blissful moon. Spring shines in a mild light. On gentle…]

Muffy: Stop! Please! Stop! I might have to listen to four hours of that?

Bailey: That depends on the opera. I was singing an excerpt from Wagner’s Ring Cycle which has a running time of approximately sixteen hours.

Muffy looks shocked.

***

Mr. Crosswire tucks Muffy in bed.

Mr. Crosswire: Only two more days till the opera. Bet you're excited. He kisses her. Can I pick 'em, or what?

He goes out.

Muffy: Only two more days.

***

''In her dream, Muffy sits in a box. On stage, a man in renaissance clothing and a woman in armor holding a spear are singing in a set looking like a barber shop.''

Barber: (sings Italian words)

Valkyrie: "Nein, Meister. Ich mein sind von Gott verlorn."

The Barber hides behind his barber’s chair.

Barber: Addio. (sobs)

''The audience applauds, though Muffy does it without enthusiasm. She looks bored.''

''The stage now shows a set looking like Paris. The barber is holding the woman who is lying on the ground.''

Barber: “Bella luna. Molto bene. Amore, amore, amoooore.”

''Loud snoring is heard. The barber looks annoyed, so do most people in the audience.''

Muffy: (snores) She suddenly wakes up and claps. (gasps) Bravo! Bravo! Bra...

She sits down looking embarrassed and starts reading the program to “The Barber of the Valkyries”.

''Francine sits on the jungle gym at school. Muffy paces in front of her.''

Muffy: And even if I do manage to stay awake, what do I say when Daddy asks me if I liked it.

Francine: Just tell him you don’t wanna go.

Muffy: He’d be so disappointed. He was really excited about us going together.

Francine: Do you even know what it’s about?

Muffy: No. It's called Carmen. Maybe it's about automechanics.

Binky is on top of the jungle gym, throwing water balloons at George.

Binky: Carmen, huh? That's a great opera. It's a tragic tale of passion, betrayal and revenge. Sort of like professional wrestling, but set to great music!

Muffy: You know it?

Binky: Sure. I have highlights from it on a CD. You can come over and listen to it after school.

''He throws a water balloon. A drenched George walks by.''

***

''In Binky’s room, Binky puts a CD of “Carmen” in his CD player while Muffy sits down in a bean bag. Binky shows her pictures while explaining the plot.''

Binky: The plot is pretty simple. Don Jose, a soldier, falls in love with a Gypsy named Carmen. He leaves his girlfriend, the army and becomes a bandit just so he can be with her! But then, Carmen falls in love with this bullfighter! Don Jose is crushed. He ruins his whole life for this woman, and she dumps him!

Muffy: (gasps)

Binky: So he... Well, I don't wanna spoil it for you. But let's just say, it doesn't end well.

''Binky starts the music. Muffy closes her eyes.''

***

The scenes are acted out in Muffy’s imagination.

Buster and George, dressed as soldiers, walk into a factory where Francine and Prunella are working.

Buster+George: “Hey, where is your friend? The beautiful Muffy!”

Buster looks out of the window.

Buster: “There!”

Buster+George: “There she is, the beautiful Muffy. “

Buster and George run out of the factory.

Buster+George: “Muffy, you are pretty and charming and cool!

Muffy, tell us what you want us to do.

Allow us to take you to an opera,

Oh, please, come with us...to the opera!“

''Muffy walks through a desert at sundown. (Tune: “L’amour est un oiseau rebelle”)''

Muffy: “I am like a rebellious bird,

No one can put me in a cage.

Opera is long, with plots absurd,

I like bands that are all the rage. She approaches the others.

Even if you promised me jewels,

You wouldn't find me near that stage.

Opera is good for tired old fools,

Or soldiers who make minimum wage!”

She pushes Buster and George aside.

Francine+Prunella: "She is like a rebellious bird..."

Muffy: “Boy bands...”

Francine+Prunella: "...no one can put her in a cage..."

Muffy: “Boy bands...”

Binky comes in an officer’s uniform.

Francine+Prunella:  "...opera is long, with plots absurd..."

Muffy: “...with boys...”

Francine+Prunella: “...we like bands that are all the rage!”

Muffy: “...boy bands! Muffy starts dancing around Binky.

Boy bands are what I like to hear,

Ones with many different kinds of hairdos.

If you like those, then I'll be there,

If not, that's it, goodbye, you lose!”

Others: "Goodbye, you lose..."

Muffy: "If you like those,

If you like those, then I'll be there..."

Others: "Goodbye, you lose..."

Muffy: "...but if you don't,

If you doooon't...

Goodbye, you lose!"

Binky grabs Muffy by the arm and drags her into the desert.

Muffy: "Where are you taking me?!"

Binky: "To the opera, these tickets weren't cheap!"

Muffy: “But I told you, that's not my scene!”

Binky: "Too bad--Tween Dream was sold out."

''Rodney Gilfry comes riding on a bull dressed as a toreador. (Tune: Toreador Song”)''

Rodney Gilfry: “Ooooooo...

So you adore that teeny-bopper trash?

Don't you get bored, there's more to explore.

Open your heart to different kinds of song, He shows an opera house.

Who knows, you could be wrong...

Opera is not a chore!

It's so much more,

So much more to adore!”

The bull grows wings and flies off.

Binky: “Where are you going?”

Muffy: "After him!"

Binky: “Oh, so you'll go to the opera with him, but not with me?”

Muffy: “That's right, step aside!”

Binky: “So, that's it? After all that I've done? My allowance, down the drain?”

Muffy: “Get off, Binky! I'll never go with you...”

Binky: “I'd rather you sleep through it than go with him...”

He throws powder in her face.

Muffy: “I won't...

Even with your magic powder...

I'll stay awake...

I'll stay awake!...”

She falls asleep in his arm.

Binky: “Ah, Muffy,

My terrible pupil!”

***

''The dream ends. Binky wakes Muffy, who is still sitting in his bean bag.''

Binky: Muffy. Hey, wake up!

Muffy: That was beautiful. Play some more.

Binky: What are you talking about? You were asleep.

Muffy: I was?

Binky: You slept through the whole thing. I didn't realize until you started snoring. You sound like a lawn mower!

Muffy: (gasps) Prunella was right. I probably won't even make it through the overture!

Binky: Do you want me toI restart it?

Muffy: Let's face it, opera just isn't for me.

***

''Muffy tries on a fine dress with her mother. She also has a new hairdo.''

Mrs. Crosswire: Oh, Muffy, it's divine! All we have to do is take up the hem a little.

Muffy: I think we should take it back. I don't wanna go.

She sits down on the bed.

Mrs. Crosswire: Why not?

Muffy: Because I’m not going to like it. Couldn't you go instead? I'll do the charity auction. I'd be really good at that!

Mrs. Crosswire: I didn't think I'd like opera when your father first took me.

Muffy: You didn't?

Mrs. Crosswire: He practically had to drag me there. Now it's one of my favorite things. I even like it better than shopping.

Muffy: You do?? But you are already a grown-up. It's different!

Mrs. Crosswire: Maybe. But you'll never know unless you try it. Here. I have the perfect accessory for you... She takes a pair of opera glasses from a box. Opera glasses. It's more exciting when you see the singers' expressions. Muffy smiles at her.

***

''In the evening people enter the opera house which advertises “Bizet’s Carmen with Rodney Gilfry”. Muffy and her dad find their seats.''

Muffy: I will not fall asleep. I will not fall asleep.

''The opera begins. Muffy smiles.''

Carmen sings the “Gypsy Song”.

Carmen: Tra la la la, tra la la la, tra la la la la la la la!

Muffy beats time with her fingers.

Rodney Gilfry appears as Escamillo.

Rodney Gilfry: “Votre toast, je peux vous le render, / senors, senors, car avec les soldats, / oui, les toreros peuvent s'entendre / pour plaisirs, pour plaisirs ils ont les combats!” [Your toast, I can return it to you, gentlemen, because toreros can get along well with soldiers. For pleasure they fight!]

Escamillo faces Don Jose.

Rodney Gilfry: “J'en suis ravi, mon cher, et le tour est complet!” Both draw swords. [I am delighted about it, my friend, and the preparation is complete.]

Muffy: (gasps)

She holds her dad’s hand.

In the final scene, Don Jose weeps over Carmen’s body.

Muffy: (sobs)

She dabs her eyes with a handkerchief.

Mr. Crosswire: Oh! It's so beautiful!

Muffy passes him her handkerchief.

All stand up and applaud.

Audience: Bravo! Hurrah! Bravo!

''The singers take a bow. Rodney Gilfry winks at Muffy, who claps even harder.''

***

Muffy sits on her bed and talks on the phone.

Muffy: Friday? No. I can't go to the movies then, Daddy got us tickets to the opera. Tosca ' s playing in Crown City!

Francine sits in the Frenskys’ kitchen.

Francine: I thought you hated opera.

Muffy: I guess you could say I've had a change of heart! Gotta go.

Bailey has replaced the abstract painting in Muffy’s room with a signed poster of Rodney Gilfry.

Muffy: Perfect!

Rodney Gilfry’s Voice: “Aaaaaaaaah!”

Muffy: (sighs)