D.W. and Dr. Whosit/Transcript

''It is morning in the Read kitchen. D.W. stands on a chair and puts a bag of flour on the counter.''

D.W.: (hums)

Mr. Read: Maybe let me help you with…

D.W. pours flour into a bowl, causing clouds of flour to rise up.

D.W.: That's the flour. Now the eggs. (hums)

''She crushes two eggs over the bowl and drops them in, shells and all. Arthur sits down and picks up the cereal box.''

Mr. Read: Don’t you wanna wait for some pancakes, Arthur?

Arthur: I'm good with cereal.

Arthur addresses the camera.

Arthur: Sometimes it's better to wait 'til you're older to do certain things. Like make pancakes on your own.

Mr. Read: D.W.! Is that ketchup you're putting in?!

D.W. adds ketchup to the mix.

Arthur: Can you imagine a world where anyone was allowed to do anything at any age?

In a fantasy, the stewardess in a passenger jet picks up the intercom phone.

Stewardess: And now, an announcement from our pilot.

Baby Kate is sitting in the pilot’s seat, randomly pushing buttons.

Kate: (coos)

The passengers exchange uneasy looks.

In another fantasy, Bud as a stockbroker is talking to the Reads.

Bud: Good news. I've examined your accounts, and as your money manager, I've decided to invest your entire life savings in stuff monkeys and bubble gum.

He points to boxes full of gum and monkeys.

'''Mr.+Mrs. Read:''' Hh!

Bud: Awesome. Right?

Mr. Read facepalms.

''In another fantasy, the Tibbles are in an operating theater preparing to perform surgery. Both reach for a hand mixer on a tray of surgical instruments which also include a corkskrew, a hand gripper, a potato peeler and large tongs.''

Tommy: What are you doing?!?

Timmy: It's my surgery!

Tommy: No way! it's my turn!"

Timmy: Give it!

They upend the tray and wrestle on the floor.

Tommy: Give it back!

Timmy: You did the last brain!

The patient sits up looking shocked.

Patient: Ah!

He runs away.

Tommy+Timmy: No fair!

The fantasies end.

Arthur: So it's safe to say there are times when age matters.

D.W.: Pancakes, coming right up!

''She puts a plate of pancakes with banana peels sticking out of them on the table. Arthur looks queasy.''

Arthur: See what I mean?

Title Card: D.W. walks up the stairs at night

Arthur and Buster play basketball in the Reads’ driveway.

Buster: How did Doctor Whosit know to go back to the lair of the plasma worm?

Arthur: I think the ecto-ooze tipped him off.

Buster: Oh. The ecto-ooze. From last week's episode. (shudders)  Talk about scary ooze.

''He shoots and scores. Arthur and Buster do a complex hand gesture.''

Arthur+Buster: Egad! The Doctor has flibbered!

D.W. comes holding a Mary Moo Cow doll.

D.W.: What are you talking about?

The boys go on playing ball.

Arthur: It's just a Doctor Whosit thing.

D.W.: What's a Doctor Whosit?

Buster: Only the best new show on TV.

D.W.: The best? Have you forgotten about a certain cow named Mary?

Arthur: We get it. But Doctor Whosit is for older kids.

Buster: It’s really weird.

Arthur: You wouldn't like it.

Buster scores again.

Arthur+Buster: Egad! The Doctor has flibbered!

D.W.: They're right. I wouldn't like it if it made me start doing that.

 

''Later, D.W. and her dad walk by the Skate Park where Binky and Slink watch Molly skate. She does a trick jump.''

Binky: Egad! The Doctor has flibbered!

D.W. stares.

''Later, D.W. and her dad wait in line at the ice-cream shop. Mrs. Powers throws a ball of ice-cream in the air and catches it with a cone.''

Customers: Egad! The Doctor has flibbered! (laugh)

D.W. looks annoyed.

 

''D.W. and her dad come out of the ice-cream shop. D.W. holds an ice-cream cone, her dad holds a tub.''

D.W.: Flibbered! Flibbered! What's happening to people? it's like they've been hippo-sized or something.

Mr. Read: Hypnotized.

D.W.: Arthur says it's from a show called Doctor Whosit.

Mr. Read: Oh. Mom and I heard good things about that. We'll have to start watching it.

D.W.: Okay, if you say so. And can we make popcorn?

Mr. Read: Oh, I don't mean you, D.W. From what I've heard it doesn't sound like the kind of show you should be watching.

D.W.: Arrrr!

Mr. Read: But how about I make you some popcorn anyway.

The next day, D.W. stands on the preschool playground while Bud climbs up the slide.

Bud: Flibbered? From Doctor Whosit? Why, sure, I've heard of it. Ladonna won't stop saying it.

D.W.: So? What's it mean?

Bud: Beats me. She says I wouldn't understand, 'cause it's an “inside joke”.

D.W.: So it's something you can't say when you're outside?

Bud slides down.

Bud: I think she meant it's something some people know about but others don't. Like, remember the Sparkly Giga Song we made up?

D.W.: Boy, did that annoy Arthur.

Flashback: Arthur tries to read on the couch while D.W. plays on the floor with a Fluff McGuffin doll.

D.W. (hums) Sparkly Giga!

Arthur: Rrr. What is that?

D.W.: Wouldn't you like to know?

The flashback ends.

D.W.: It's gonna annoy Arthur even more when I find out what flibbered means.

Bud: But how are you gonna do that?

Timmy, then Tommy, hang down from the slide.

Timmy: Flibbered? I know what it means.

Tommy: Me too. Everyone knows but you.

D.W.: Would you tell us?

Tommy: Of course. For a price.

D.W.: (annoyed sigh) One pizza muffin.

D.W. gives Tommy the Muffin.

Timmy: It isn't safe to talk here.    

''The Tibbles drop down. ''

Timmy: Follow us.

D.W. and Bud follow Tommy and Timmy to the playhouse.

Tommy: Stand guard!

Bud strikes an intimidating stance while D.W. and the Tibbles go inside.

Tommy: So. Doctor Whosit is a doctor who, um…

''The Tibbles both whisper in D.W.’s ear. She looks delighted.''

 

That afternoon, Arthur and Buster are drinking green smoothies in the kitchen when D.W. walks in.

Buster: What I don't get is why Doctor Whosit couldn't just uncapulate from the swarm of fiendish mud rats.

D.W.: Maybe there is no canteloupe for his flibbering.

Arthur and Buster exchange looks.

Arthur: Excuse me?

D.W.: I know all about the show now. So anything you're talking about, I can join in.

Arthur: But you said something about cantaloupe?

D.W.: Everyone knows that's where Whosit gets his power to hop as high as a kangaroo. Only, it gives him bad breath that makes people bark like seals, so he has to chew a lot of special peppermint crackers when he's slicing his power cantaloupe, also known as flibbering.

She tries to imitate the Doctor Whosit gesture.

Arthur: D.W., what are you talking about?

Buster: there aren't cantaloupes in the show.

D.W.: There are too cantaloupes! The Tibbles told me.

Her expression changes to shock.

D.W.: The Tibbles!

Arthur: What did you pay?

D.W.: A whole pizza muffin. for a bunch of the Tibble lies.

She gets up.

D.W.: If you think if you keep this mystery a mystery, you got another thing coming.

Buster: Wow! You sound just like Doctor Whosit. But I guess you wouldn't know that.

D.W.: Grr!!

She leaves.

Buster: (chuckles)

''That night, D.W. lies in bed. She turns on the nightlamp and goes out of the room.''

Downstairs, her parents are watching Doctor Whosit, both looking scared.

Mr. Read: I can see why everyone loves this show, even though it's gonna give me nightmares.

Mrs. Read: Watch out for the goo! It's poisonous!

D.W. walk in.

D.W.: What are you guys watching?    

''She climbs on the couch. ''

D.W.: Is it Whosit?

''Mrs. Read pauses the show. Mr. Read leads D.W. out of the room.''

D.W.: Can't I just watch a little? just up to the flibber part?

Mr. Read: Come on, sweetie. Let's go back to bed.

D.W. and her dad stand at the foot of the stairs.

Mr. Read: When you're older, you can watch.

D.W.: Humph.

''She walks upstairs. Her parents’ voices are heard from the living room.''

Mrs. Read: I hope I didn't miss too much.

Mr. Read: Don't worry. I been recording it so we won't miss a thing.

D.W.: Hh!

Early the next morning, D.W. looks out of her room in her pajamas.

D.W.: Hmmm…

''D.W. tiptoes across the upstairs hallway. She enters the living room and closes the door. She turns on the TV and sees a logo showing a lock with a parent and a kid in it. Four white squares request a four-digit code.''

D.W.: Huh?

D.W. tries pushing buttons on the remote control, but to no avail.

D.W.: (growls in frustration)

She throws away the remote.

''Arthur is asleep in his bed at 7:30. D.W. comes in.''

D.W.: Arthur.

Arthur: What?

D.W.: The TV broke. there's this thingy on the screen with 4 squares.

Arthur: (yawns)  It's the parental password.

D.W.: What?

Arthur: Mom and Dad don't want us to watch shows that aren't good for kids. You have to put in a password. Can I go back to bed now?

D.W.: So do you know the password?

Arthur: No.

D.W.: “No” is the password?

Arthur: Get out!

D.W.: How do you spell “Get Out”?

Arthur: Mom!!

D.W. runs away.

 

Meanwhile, Mrs. Read passes the living room and notices that the TV shows the parental control screen.

Mrs. Read: Hm.

''Mrs. Read goes into the kitchen and picks up a coffee cup. D.W. comes with a piece of paper.''

D.W.: Hi.

Mrs. Read: Huh?

D.W.: Wanna play Snowman? I'll try to guess your favorite 4 letter word. and if I miss a letter, you draw part of the snowman.

Mrs. Read: Nice try. but you're not getting the password.

D.W.: Who said anything about a password.

Mrs. Read gives D.W. a stern look.

D.W.: Okay.

She walks out.

D.W.: I’d like to see Doctor Whosit have to deal with brothers and parents.

 

''Mr. Read sits on the couch with a laptop and several stacks of letters. He enters a password.''

Mr. Read: Pal 1, 2… (sighs) …capital T, Pal 1, 2…. (sighs)    

''D.W. is spying from the door with a Mary Moo Cow periscope. ''

Mr. Read: Hey, Jane! Do you remember the code for our bank account? I keep confusing it with the twenty other passwords we have.

The periscope appears behind the couch.

Mrs. Read (off screen): It's in the book.

Through the periscope, D.W. sees her dad get a book from a shelf in the living room.

D.W.: The book.

She comes out of hiding.

D.W.: Soooo.

Mr. Read: Huh?

D.W.: Working hard?

Mr. Read: Mm-mm.

D.W.: I guess you'll be in here a while. Like a long while? Short while? Medium while?

Mr. Read: What's the question, D.W.?

D.W.: Just curious. Bye.

Later, D.W. paces in front of Bud in the Reads’ yard.

D.W.: I asked you here, for help with a sneaky mission.

Bud: And the sneaky mission's name?

D.W.: Operation Old-Enough-to-be-Sneaky-Enough-to-Watch-Whosit.

She puts a self-drawn plan of the house on the garden table.

Bud: Sign me up.

''A while later, D.W. and Bud stand outside the living room where Mr. Read is still working. D.W. gives Bud a sign.''

Bud: D.W.? You don't have any snacks, do you? I'm feeling woozy.

Mr. Read comes out.

Mr. Read: Is somebody hungry?

Bud: My innards feel all rumbly like two tennis balls in a clothes dryer.

D.W.: Uh... I think he's saying he's hungry. But it's okay. He can go all the way home to get a snack.

Mr. Read: Nonsense. I can whip up a little something right here.

Bud: Can I help?

Bud gives D.W. the thumbs-up and follows Mr. Read to the kitchen.

''D.W. runs into the living room and looks for the book of passwords on the couch. Then she sees it on the shelf. She climbs on an armchair and gets it.''

Meanwhile, Mr. Read opens the refrigerator.

Mr. Read: Let's see. we have avocados, tomatoes… How about some guacamole?

Bud: I love guacamole. Especially when complicated things are added to it.

Mr. Read: Now we're talking. We can add pomegranate seeds. It might a few extra minutes.

Bud: Right.

''D.W. opens the book. It shows drawn symbols followed by codes, mostly based on the names of family members.''

D.W.: Let's see.

She runs her finger down the page to a drawing of a TV followed by the letters R-E-A-D.

D.W.: That looks like a TV. and this word is 1, 2, 3… Hh! …4 letters. It must be it!

She presses buttons on the remote control.

Meanwhile, Bud is trying to arrange pomegranate seeds that are spread all over the kitchen table.

Bud: Boy. those pomegranate seeds are slippery. I'm sorry.

Mr. Read: No problem, Bud. We'll get it cleaned up and then back to the guacamole.

D.W. gives Bud a sign and he follows her to the living room.

Mr. Read: Now. where were we?

He notices that Bud is gone, but he just smiles and shrugs.

''D.W. and Bud close the living room door. Then they sit side by side on the couch.''

D.W.: Okay. Mom's in the next room and Dad's in the kitchen.

''The parental control screen already shows R-E-A-D. D.W. presses a button and the Doctor Whosit Title Card appears. It shows a TARDIS shaped like an American mailbox.''

D.W.: We're in.

Bud: Doctor Whosit!

D.W.: Shhh!

They slide closer to each other as the show starts.

''A montage shows Bud and D.W. watching Doctor Whosit. First they look scared as something on the TV growls. Then they clutch pillows.''

D.W.: Hh!!

Bud: Gaah!!

D.W.+Bud: Augh!

They jump behind the couch.

A short while later, both kids look bored.

Bud: (yawns)

Man (on TV): Doctor? There's something wrong with the radioactive wrench.

Doctor Whosit (on TV): The spectrometer reads thirty degrees retrograde.

Bud: (yawns)

Doctor Whosit (on TV): Egad! Not a cyber-manatee!

''The screen is briefly seen, showing a strange alien. Then the TV is turned off. The parents stand in the door looking angry. Mr. Read is holding a plate of guacamole and chips.''

Mr. Read:  A-hem. Egad! The dad is mad''. ''

''He mockingly does the Doctor Whosit gesture, finishing with a thumbs-down. Bud looks at a wristwatch that he is not in fact wearing.''

Bud: Oh, Look at the time.

''He runs off. D.W. looks guilty.''

 

''Later, the Reads have supper. D.W. still looks subdued.''

Mr. Read: Part of a parent's job is to think about what's best for you. And you make it harder when you do sneaky stuff.

D.W.: I'm really sorry. I didn't even like the show. And who cares what a flibber is?

Mr. Read: We accept your apology, but you still didn't listen to us. So, no TV for a week.

D.W.: A whole week?

The others give her stern looks.

D.W.: Okay.

Arthur: See, D.W.? sometimes it's better to wait until you're older to do certain things.

D.W. looks annoyed.

Mr. Read: Well… speaking of which, Mom and I believe you shouldn't be watching it either.

Arthur: What? D.W.!

D.W.: (hums)  Da-da-daa! Sparkly Giga!

Arthur rolls his eyes.