Arthur - It's Only Rock 'n' Roll/Transcript

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Francine shakes Muffy out of her Backstreet Boys daydream.

Francine: What are you doing? You have to stop listening to this rot. It’s destroying your brain.

Muffy: What?? Are you talking about the Backstreet Boys, the ones who are coming to town in four weeks, six days, and fifty-   looks at watch    seven minutes?

Francine: Uh-huh. Rot. Maybe they were good once, but now they’re just sellouts. Look at them!

Muffy: I know. Aren’t they cute?

Francine: Muffy! Being cute is not the point. The point is they’re sellouts.

Muffy: Francine, if you had a band, you’d sell out in five minutes.

Francine: I would not. Music is sacred. I would never sell out.

Muffy: Oh yeah? You’d be just like everybody else. First you’d have a hit song, then you’d make a CD, then you’d make a video where you’d wear a cute little costume and learn how to dance and flounce your hair right. And the next thing you’ll know you’ll be making commercials and a ton of money, and, by the way, when that happens you owe me half of it, because it was all my idea.

Francine: I would never do that. If I had a band, we’d do nothing but make really good music, and if anyone even tried to make us go on TV or dance, I’d just quit. She goes to the door.

Muffy: Well, we’ll never know, will we, because you don’t have a band and you probably never will.

Francine: If I do, it’ll be a million times better than those Blob Street Boys.

Muffy: Hh! How could you?? You, my best friend.

Francine: Oh brother. I’m getting out of here.

Muffy: Go! And don’t come back until you can apologize to Nick.

Francine: Until I what?? Oh man, you are losing it. She leaves.

Muffy: Don’t worry, Nick. I know she didn’t mean it. She turns the music back on.

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D.W. auditions for Francine’s band.

D.W.: (sings:) Skinnamarinky doo, I love you.

Francine: Thank you, that’s enough.

D.W.:  (goes on singing)

Francine: I said thank you!

D.W.: But I’m not finished. There’s five more verses. (sings:) Skinnamarinkydinkydink  skinnamarinkydink…

Francine bangs a loud gong.

Francine: Next!!

D.W.: Hmph!    

''D.W. leaves the stage as George goes on. ''   

D.W.: Be careful. It’s a jungle in here.

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Molly is fixing her bike in her family’s driveway as Francine and Binky invite her to join.

Molly: So, what’s in it for me?

Francine: Only a chance to be part of a major musical phenomenon. Hey, but if you’d rather sit around in your driveway all day, fine by me.

Binky: Let me handle this. Look, you like to play the guitar, right?

Molly: Right.

Binky: And you like snacks, right?

Molly: Right.

Binky: So there you go. Snacks and guitar.

Molly: What kind of snacks?

Francine: I don’t know. Whatever you want.

Binky: Woo-hoo! So what do you say?  Molly offers her hand and Francine shakes it.

Francine: All right!

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Binky and Mrs. McGrady approach Francine as she is shackling her bike.

Binky: Okay. Before I say anything, promise you won’t get mad.

Francine: Me? I never get mad. Unless… you’re gonna quit the band, because you promised you wouldn’t, and if you quit before we even get started, I will make you sorry, Binky Barnes! Do you hear me?!

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Francine has agreed to play at a school fund raiser.

Molly: I can’t believe you said yes. We don’t even have a name yet.

Francine: Yeah, well, I’ll think of one. I just need some inspiration.

Francine'' sits down in an armchair. Binky is eating potato chips.''

Binky: Are you inspirated yet?

Francine: No.

Molly: This is boring. Let’s play. They play.

Fern: (sings:) Don’t want nothing but the music. Don’t need…      A window opens in the next building.

Neighbor: Hey, I hate to tell you this but you stink! You hear me?? You stink!

Francine: Oh yeah?! Well, you stink too, you know. You really really… stink. Hey.

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The crowd cheers “U Stink”.

Crowd: U Stink! U Stink!

Arthur: You stink!

Buster: Hey, aren’t we still mad at Francine?

Arthur: Yeah, but… You stink! You stink!

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Francine gave a TV interview without the band.

Francine: So then she asked if we’d perform on TV for the library book sale, but I said no of course.

Fern: Why? Why’d you say no? That’s crazy!

Francine: A: because this whole fame thing is getting out of hand. And B: nobody asked you. It’s my band.

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''Francine, Fern and Binky are being chased by a group of preschooler fans. At a red light they stop and the preschoolers stop behind them They all wait for the green light, then the chase continues.''

Binky: Fern?

Fern: Yes?

Binky: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

''Francine runs on. Binky and Fern stop and give autographs.''

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Francine escapes the fans by jumping into Muffy’s limo.

Francine: Thanks, Muffy. You saved my life. Muffy closes the window to the chauffeur.

Muffy: Actually there’s something I want to talk to you about. I hate to admit it, but “U Stink” isn’t that bad.

Francine: Gee, thanks.

Muffy: No need. There is one problem, though. You don’t have a cute one.

Francine: Muffy, I told you…

Muffy: Wait, you can thank me later. The point is, every band needs a cute one and that’s where I come in. I’m not only cute, but I play the tambourine. So what do you think?

Francine runs out of the limo.

Muffy: Just see how far you get without a cute one!

Francine: Miss Smartypants thinks she knows everything. Busybody Muffy!

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D.W.: Arthur? Is “Frensky” spelled with an H?

Arthur: Of course not, it’s F-R-E-N-S-K-Y.

D.W.: How about “Fern”? Is that spelled with a “B”?

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In a fantasy, an older Fern is being cheered by fans.

Francine: I’ve had just about enough! This is my band, Fern! I started it!

Fern: What can I say? It’s me they love, not you. That’s right, isn’t it?

Crowd: (cheers)

Fern: Sorry. My mother always said, I’d be popular one day.

Crowd: Fern! Fern! Fern!

''The fantasy ends. Fern is lying on her bed.''

Mrs. Walters: Goodnight, sweetie. Tomorrow’s a brand new day.

Fern: You are so right.

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Fern, Binky and Molly have given an interview.

Francine: How dare you talk to that lady without asking me?? It’s people like that who want us to sell out.

Fern: (mumbles:) It’s not selling out to go on TV.

Francine: What did you say?

Fern: It’s not selling out to go on TV and sign autographs and be popular.

Francine: What about you, Mrs. McGrady? Do you wanna go on TV and sign autographs and be popular?

Mrs. McGrady: No, but I think it’s silly to spend so much time arguing. Let’s just play and have fun.

Binky is eating snacks.

Francine: What about you, Binky. Do you want to sell out.

Binky: Er, maybe. I need a bigger pair of pants.

Francine: That’s it!! I hereby dissolve “U Stink”! Pause.

Fern: Are we supposed to melt or something?

Francine: You do what you want. I’m leaving! Molly plays a chord.    There’s one thing we got right: the name of the band. You guys stink! She slams the door.

Mrs. McGrady: Oh, honey, you don’t mean that. Come back. She runs after Francine.

Molly: So now what?

Fern: Well, I have an idea.

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''Francine is in the girls’ bathroom. She hides in a cubicle as Muffy and Prunella enter.''

Prunella: They are so cool.

Muffy: But what happened to Francine?

Prunella: Francine is so last week. She quit the group.

Muffy: No. Well, then these cards are really worthless.

Prunella: Oh, did I tell you. I’ve got tickets to the Backstreet Boys.

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Francine wakes up from a nightmare in which she sold popcorn at a “U Stink” concert.

Francine: Popcorn. More Popcorn. Er! Ugh! It wasn’t even salted.

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Arthur, Buster and George jam in the Reads' home as “We Stink”.

George: That last part doesn’t rhyme, you know.

Buster: I know. I couldn’t find anything that rhymed with music. Except for “goozik”.

Arthur: Is that a word?

Buster: No.

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“We Stink” rehearse in the treehouse.

D.W.: I hate to tell you this, but you guys stink!

Arthur: No, “We Stink”. Our name is “We Stink”.

D.W.: That’s what I said. You stink! She climbs down.    Boy, not too smart either.

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“U Stink” hires Muffy as manager.

Molly: But we need a new song!

Muffy: Forget the song. When you’re famous you can buy a song.

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In the cafeteria everybody invites Fern to their table.

Francine: I guess it pays to be a traitor.

Fern: I’m not a traitor. You are the one who quit. Anyway, I can’t help it if I’m popular.

Francine: They only like you because you sing in a band that I started.

Fern: That’s not true. They like me because… They just do.

Francine: How many friends did you have before you joined “U Stink”? One? Two?

Fern: Just because it took me a while to make friends, doesn’t mean you have the right to…

Mrs. McGrady: Come with me.

The girls follow Mrs. McGrady in to the kitchen.

Mrs. McGrady: This is ridiculous. As a libra and a pisces you two should be as tight as grits and gravy.

Fern: It’s not my fault!

Francine: She’s the one who…!

Mrs. McGrady: Hear me out. Francine, you can’t blame Fern for wanting to continue “U Stink”. It’s a good group and it’s fun to make music.

Francine: But…

Mrs. McGrady: And Fern, you can’t blame Francine for being upset. She started “U Stink”. We should do everything we can to get her back.

Francine: (sighs)

Fern: I wasn’t trying to take “U Stink” away from you, Francine, or sell out, or anything. I just wanted to mean…

Muffy bursts in with several rolled up papers.

Muffy: Ah, there you are. I have plans for making “U Stink” famous. First we make a video and send it to the Backstreet Boys. I know they’ll love it, and I’m sure they’ll let us sing with them on tour. After that we cut a demo, make some licensing deals. It’s great that you’re in charge now, Fern, because…

Francine: Hhh!! Fern looks unhappy.

Muffy: What? What’s wrong?

Fern: Like I said. You’re nothing but a traitor. She leaves the room.

Mrs. McGrady: We can try again when she’s cooled down.

Muffy: And in the meantime we have a video to make.

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Francine wants to fire Buster from “We Stink”.

Buster: I don’t wanna be in a band that you’re in. I quit.

Arthur: I quit too!

Buster: We’ll form a new band and call it “She Stinks”. They leave the treehouse.

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Mr. Crosswire is on the phone in his office.

Mr. Crosswire: By tomorrow, do you hear?? No ifs, ands, buts, maybes, whatabouts…

Muffy: Daddy? I have a problem.

Mr. Crosswire: Gotta go! Emergency! He hangs up.    A problem? Well, you just tell me what it is, Muffin, and I’ll take care of it immediately.

Muffy: I sent a package to Nick Carter one whole week ago, and I haven’t heard back from him.

Mr. Crosswire: Nick who?

Muffy: Carter. You know, he’s one of the Backstreet Boys. The one I really really really like, although I actually really really like them all.

Mr. Crosswire: Let me get this straight. You sent a package to the Backstreet Boys and you haven’t heard back from them.

Muffy: shakes head    Make them answer me.

Mr. Crosswire: stands up  Muffin. There are certain facts of life I have tried desperately to keep from you, but… well… I’m afraid I can’t always help you. This is one of those times.

Muffy: What?? But you’re a sponsor of their concert! You’re a Crosswire! You make things happen!

Mr. Crosswire: Oh, that’s true, Sweetums. Now, I might be able to put in a word at the concert, but as much as it pains me to say these words, compared to the Backstreet Boys we Crosswires are… small potatoes.

Muffy: Hh! Thunder and lightning.

Mr. Crosswire: Are you all right, Sweetums? Can I get you anything?

Muffy: No, thank you. I’m fine. She walks out sadly.

Mr. Crosswire: Hey, how about a cheque? Would a big old cheque make you feel any better?

Muffy looks in the mirror in her room.

Muffy: I’m a potato. A small potato. I swear, I’ll meet Nick Carter if it’s the last thing I ever do! ''She cries. ''I swear it as my great-granddaddy Crosswire is my witness!

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Binky looks around the audience at the Backstreet Boys concert.

Binky: Hey, there’s Prunella! There’s Arthur! There’s the crosswalk lady! There’s the guy who mows the playground! There’s the kid who… oh yeah… You’re the kid who called me a lunkhead, and kid, don’t think I forgot about you!! I didn’t…

Molly: All right already.

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Mrs. McGrady has spotted the sulking Francine in the audience.

Mrs. McGrady: Isn’t this great? I have a feeling this is going to be the best night of your life. My pinky started aching this morning and that’s always good news. She leaves.

Francine: You know, I really like her, but sometimes she’s just bats.

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When “U Stink” is called to perform at the concert, Francine freezes.

Molly: Go! Come on!

Mrs. McGrady: Francine? Backstreet Boy Brian puts a hand on her shoulder.

Brian: I felt the same way when I first got on the big stage. So don’t look. Just focus on the drumset, think about the song, and keep the music in your head at all times. You’ll be fine. Francine nods and starts playing.

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The Crosswires and Francine walk up to the Crosswire limo.

Mr. Crosswire: Are you all right, Muffin?

Muffy: I don’t know what’s worse, losing “U Stink” or discovering that Nick is not a businessman. I mean, I offered him the deal of a lifetime and he wasn’t even interested. I just can’t love a boy like that. ''She gets in the limo. ''

The Backstreet Boys appear.

Francine: There’s something I gotta do. She runs up to the Backstreet Boys.     Hey! I just wanted to say, I used to think you guys were sellouts, and I really do hate that commercial stuff and all, but you really are good musicians. I guess it’s okay to want to make it, you know, be famous and all, just so long as you don’t forget that music is more important, right? Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Bye now.

Howie: Right.

Brian: Okay.

Nick: See ya.

Kevin: Hey, who was that?

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Here are the lyrics to "I Want it That Way". Yeah-eh-heah You are my fire The one desire Believe when I say I want it that wayBut we are two worlds apart Can't reach to your heart When you say That I want it that wayTell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that way Am I your fire? Your one desire Yes I know it's too late But I want it that wayTell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that wayNow I can see that we've fallen apart From the way that it used to be Yeah No matter the distance I want you to know That deep down inside of meYou are my fire The one desire You are (you are you are you are)Don't want to hear you say Ain't nothin' but a heartache Ain't nothin' but a mistake (Don't want to hear you say) I never want to hear you say I want it that wayTell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache Tell me why Ain't nothin' but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say I want it that wayTell me why Ain't nothin' but a heartache Ain't nothin' but a mistake Tell me why I never want to hear you say (Never want to hear you say it) I want it that way'Cause I want it that way