Mom and Dad Have a Great Big Fight/Transcript

Introduction
''Mr. and Mrs. Read prepare dinner in the kitchen. Mrs. Read is chopping onions.''

Mr. Read: Did you chop the onions? They're going to be here in an hour.

Mrs. Read: Well, if you hadn't forgotten your friends were coming over tonight, we wouldn't be in such a rush.

Pal runs through the kitchen.

D.W.: Mooommm!!!

Mrs. Read: We're in the kitchen!

Mr. Read: Keep chopping!

D.W. chases Arthur and Pal around the kitchen table.

D.W.: Mom!! Mom! Arthur said he'd play Confuse the Goose with me, but he won't.

Arthur: I said maybe. But I have to do homework. How can I do homework if she's staring at me like this?

He makes a dopey face.

Mr. Read: Isn't there something you can do until Arthur is ready to play?

D.W.: But if I don't bother him, he'll never play with me.

Arthur: I never said I'd play. I said maybe.

''The parents give him stern looks. Arthur looks at'' D.W.

Arthur: Okay, I'll play with her.

D.W.: I'll stop bothering him.

Both kids leave the kitchen looking depressed.

Mr. Read: Keep chopping!

Mrs. Read: I'm chopping! I'm chopping!

She accidentally knocks a milk carton off the table.

Mr. Read: (gasps)

Mrs. Read: (gasps)

''The image freezes. Nadine appears.''

Nadine: You probably heard the expression “Don't cry over spilled milk”, but did you ever imagine that spilled milk would lead to Arthur and D.W. having to live alone and raise themselves or go to an orphanage? My name is Nadine. I'm D.W. 's imaginary friend and I'll be your host for “Mom and Dad Have a Great Big Fight”.

Title Card: Pal Searches
''Nadine still stands in the kitchen looking languidly at her fingernails. She notices that the audience is back.''

Nadine: Ah, you're back! Bet you've been waiting to see this thing smash. Okay.

''She snaps her fingers. The milk continues falling.''

Mr. Read: Don't let the...!

Mrs. Read: The milk!

Mr. Read: Grab the...!

Mrs. Read: Get...!

The milk and Kate’s food bowl fall on the floor.

Kate: (giggles)

''Kate claps her hands. Nadine snaps her fingers again and the scene freezes.''

Nadine: (sighs) But let's back things up just a little...

She snaps her fingers and the scene rewinds until just before the kids leave the kitchen.

Nadine: ...and see what my friend D.W. was doing as that thing smashed.

''She snaps her fingers. The kids walk out of the room.''

Arthur: Okay, I'll play with her.

D.W.: I'll stop bothering him.

Arthur: You have to wait till I'm done with my homework, you know.

D.W.: I know it.

''Arthur walks up the stairs. D.W. stops and Nadine appears beside him.''

D.W.: Why do they have to be so fair all the time? "Let Arthur finish his homework. Stop bothering Arthur." I wish my parents were different.

In her imagination, a dopey looking Arthur with oversized shoes walks into the kitchen.

Arthur: Duh!

D.W.: Mom! Arthur said he'd play Confuse the Goose with me, but he won't.

Arthur: I said maybe.

Mr. Read: Oh, my poor D.W.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, play with your perfect, lovely, adorable sister!

Arthur: But I have to do homework!

Mr. Read: What's more important, homework or the happiness of a little girl?

Arthur: Is that a trick question? Okay, I'll play with her.

Mrs. Read: Stop that, Arthur!

Arthur: What'd I do?

Mr. Read: You were looking at D.W. without smiling!

***

The fantasy ends. D.W. plays Confuse the Goose with Nadine in the dining room.

D.W.: Boy, wouldn't it be perfect? If only I could change them!

Something crashes in the kitchen.

Kate: (giggles)

D.W.: I didn't do it!

Mr. Read: How could you do that? They'll be any minute soon.

Mrs. Read: Me?? You put it there!

Mr. Read: I don't have time to argue about this.

Mrs. Read: Who's arguing?

Mr. Read: Now I have to start the batter all over again!

D.W. listens, then runs upstairs.

***

Arthur is working on a very long math assignment when D.W. comes in.

D.W.: Arthur!

Arthur: Mom told you not to come in here! Mom!!

D.W.: No, don't! Stop!

Arthur: You look scared. If you saw something scary, go tell Dad.

D.W.: I can't, Arthur, because it's Mom and Dad who are scary. They were yelling at each other.

Arthur: What?! I don't believe you.

D.W.: I heard it.

Flashback: D.W. and Nadine play Confuse the Goose.

D.W. (narrator): Nadine and I were going to play Confuse the Goose.

Arthur (narrator): Hey, if you can play with Nadine, why do you need me to play?

D.W. (narrator): Because Nadine and I always tie at everything. Stop interrupting! So, there we were, and then there was this ker-smash!

'''Mr..+Mrs. Read:''' (incomprehensible arguing)

The flashback ends.

Dr.: That's when I ran up here and...

Arthur: Wait a minute! What did they say?

D.W.: I didn't hear it exactly. It's not important anyway. What's important is that they hate each other.

Arthur: D.W., I know you're playing a trick on me, and it won't work.

There are tears in D.W.’s eyes.

Arthur: You do look scared. I'm going to check this out myself. Right now. Here I go.

He goes out and opens the door again.

Arthur: Last chance to give up this joke.

D.W.: (sniffles)

''Arthur looks worried. He goes to the top of the stairs and listens.''

Arthur: I don't hear...

He turns to see D.W. right next to him.

Arthur: Wah! Don't do that! I don't hear anything.

Nadine appears.

Nadine: That's the end of the worry, right? Well...

''In the kitchen, both parents are mopping up the spilled milk. They bump into each other.''

Mr. Read: Oh, honey, just leave it! I'll get it! Please, honey!

Mrs. Read: No, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. It's… it’s my fault. Let me do it.

'''Mr.+Mrs. Read:''' (incomprehensible arguing)

Arthur at the top of the stairs looks horrified.

***

Arthur and D.W. go into Arthur’s room.

D.W.: I told you that’s what they were saying. This is all your fault!

Arthur: How can it be my fault? I was up here.

D.W.: If you had just played with me, we wouldn’t have had to bother them.

Arthur: If it’s anybody’s fault, it’s your fault.

D.W.: Why?

Arthur: Because... you're such a big pain!

D.W.: Well, you never practice the piano enough!

Arthur: You slide your peas under the plate!

D.W.: You... you wear glasses!

Pause.

Arthur: Mom and Dad are not fighting because I wear glasses.

D.W.: Maybe they are. Are you there? Are you in their brains? I don't think so, Arthur Read.

Both sit down.

Arthur+D.W.: (sigh)

D.W.: What if they never speak to each other again?

In her imagination, the Arthur D.W. and Mrs. Read sit at one end of an enormously long, decorated dining table.

Mrs. Read: Tell your father "Merry Christmas".

D.W. runs to the other end of the table, where Mr. Read is reading the paper.

D.W.: Mother says Merry Christmas, Father.

Mr. Read: Tell your mother “And a Happy New Year”!

D.W. runs back.

The fantasy ends.

D.W.: Every conversation will take twice as long. We'll only get half as much done in our lives.

Arthur: D.W., you're being silly. Two people wouldn't live together in the same house and never talk to each other.

D.W.: (gasps) You're right. One of them is going to move away!

In her imagination, Arthur and D.W. walk into the kitchen where her mom plays with Kate.

Mr. Read: (whistles and hums)

Arthur+D.W.: Good morning, Mommy.

Mrs. Read: Good morning. It's good to see your beautiful faces.

The kids sit down.

Arthur: Um, what's for breakfast?

Mrs. Read: I don't know. Your father always made breakfast.

D.W.: So, there's no breakfast?

Mrs. Read: (chuckles) No.

Arthur’s stomach rumbles.

The fantasy ends.

Arthur: Dad leaving is totally unacceptable.

In his imagination, Mr. Read serves the children a huge plate of food.

Arthur+D.W.: Mmm, thanks, Dad.

Mr. Read: Dig in! You know what I always say... Dig in!

Arthur: Dad, I need a ride to the park later for the big jamboree.

Mr. Read: Oh, sorry, Arthur. Your mother took the car when she left.

Arthur+D.W.: Aww!

The fantasy ends.

D.W.: What if neither one of them wants to take us? After all, you're a lot of trouble.

In Arthur’s imagination, Arthur picks up a toy truck with a broken wheel.

Arthur: Oh, I can't believe it! D.W., did you break my truck? D.W.!

Mrs. Read comes in with Kate.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, did you forget D.W. doesn't live here anymore. She left with your dad.

Arthur: Oh, yeah, I forgot. That's why it's so peaceful. I'm going to take Pal for a walk.

Mrs. Read: Arthur, Pal doesn't live here anymore either. Arthur drops the truck. I got you and Kate. Dad got D.W. and Pal.

Arthur: (gasps)

''The fantasy ends. Arthur picks up Pal who is sleeping on the bed.''

D.W.: Arthur, what if neither one of them wants us? What if we have no parents anymore? We'll be organs.

Arthur: You mean "orphans" like in Oliver Twist.

He picks up the book.

In his imagination, he begs for food from the workhouse master Mr. Ratburn.

Arthur Twist: Please, sir, may I 'ave some 'ore?

Mr. Ratburn: What? You want some 'ore?

''Arthur nods. Mr. Ratburn gives him a wooden oar.''

Mr. Ratburn: There. That's some oar. Get it? Some oar! (laughs)

Orphans: (laugh)

Mr. Ratburn: Oh, I'm hysterical. I should get paid by the laugh. (laughs)

The fantasy ends.

Arthur: We have to avoid going to an orphanage at all costs. Especially one set in the eighteen-hundreds.

D.W.: All we have is each other, Arthur. If you take care of me, I'll take care of you. We don't need anyone else.

''In her imagination, they live in a Disneyfied version of the Read house. Arthur and D.W. clean the kitchen.''

Arthur+D.W.: (hum and whistle)

A deer and a squirrel look in at the window.

''Kate cleans the floor with sponges tied to her arms and knees. When D.W. washes the dishes, Pal shakes the plates dry and stacks them.''

Arthur serves a pot of soup, and they all eat.

D.W.: Eugh!

Kate: Yuck!

Arthur: Eugh! We can't cook!

That night, Arthur sings a lullaby for Kate who lies in bed looking scared.

Arthur: (sings:) “Go to sleep, go to sleep / you've been awake for so long now. / Count all the sheep / and subtract a cow / so you can go to sleep”.

Kate hides under the blanket. D.W. and Pal cover their ears.

Pal: (howls)

D.W.: Arthur, this isn't working. I miss Mommy and Daddy.

Arthur: I know. I miss them too.

They hug.

D.W.: (sniffs) I never knew you could feel this lonely, even when you're not alone.

The fantasy ends.

D.W.: We can't let that happen. It's all my fault. I wished Mom and Dad were different and now they are.

Arthur: But look. Let's go tell them that we don't want them to hate each other. We're a family. Our opinions count, and stuff.

***

Arthur and D.W. walk up to the top of the stairs and listen.

Arthur: I don't hear anything.

''Arthur is about to go down, when he hears voices. Mr. Read is putting on his coat.''

Mr. Read: You stay, I'll go!

Mrs. Read: No, I'll go. I'm the one who should go.

Mr. Read: I'm going and that's final!

D.W.: Daddy's leaving.

She clings to Arthur’s neck.

Arthur: You're...choking...me!

Both kids run down the stairs.

Arthur: Daddy, don't leave! Please!

Arthur: Don't go!

They cling to his legs.

Mr. Read: But I have to go.

D.W.: No, you don't! We don't want you to!

Mr. Read: But if I don't go, we won't have any milk.

Arthur: But we... Er... huh? You're going to the store?

Mr. Read: Yes. Where did you think I was going?

D.W.: Don't leave us! You and Mommy don't really hate each other!

Mrs. Read: Hold on. What makes you think we hate each other?

D.W.: We don't want to be organs like in Oliver Twist! Did you say you were going to the store?

Arthur: She heard you fighting and thought you hated each other. (Nervous chuckle) Kids are so funny, huh?

Mr. Read: D.W., we don't hate each other. Sometimes adults lose their tempers and argue.

Mrs. Read: Just like kids disagree sometimes or get mad at people they love. You and Arthur fight, but it doesn't stop you from loving each other. Right?

D.W.: You're going to the store... to buy milk?

Mr. Read: Yeah, and I have to hurry back because my friends are coming over.

He leaves.

D.W.: Guess I solved that one.

''The kids go up the stairs. Nadine appears.''

Nadine: Of course, the moral of our story is clear: Don't put your milk close to the edge cause somebody's going to knock it over. Thank you, and goodbye for now.