The Last King of Lambland/Transcript

Introduction
Uncle Miles rides a bicycle past a flock of sheep towards a castle.

Uncle Miles (narrator): Dear James and Molly, greetings from Scotland. Today, my biking tour of the Lowlands took me to Castle Kilflurgan, home of the famous Kilflurgan tapestry. It tells the story of some of our ancestors: The MacDougal-Donalds.

Miles walks into a hall and sees a tapestry which becomes animated.

Uncle Miles (narrator): The castle was built by Flurgan the Fantastic - the first head of the MacDougal-Donald clan. For many years there was peace and prosperity, but then Flurgan perished when his haggis exploded at the feast of Saint Ninian. After that, there was a succession of terrible rulers. Kilgore The Dim, Edna The Easily Amused, Oliver The Walloper. The animals fled and drought seized the land. It was a time of great despair.

A squinting boy with a shepherd's crook walks on a dry plain.

Uncle Miles (narrator): Then, one day a lowly shepherd boy came to Kilflurgan. He was very timid and, and couldn't see very well, but he had magical powers. He could talk with animals... The boy pets a sheep. ...and summon the rains. ''He stretches out his hand and it starts raining. Exotic plants appear on the plain. The villagers were so taken with this shy magical boy that they appointed him head of the clan... The boy's clothes become that of a king.'' ...and called him James the Squinty.

James points his scepter at a peasant's bowl and vegetables appear.

Uncle Miles (narrator): He was very generous, kind and wise, and prosperity reigned for a thousand years.

James and the peasant disappear behind a mound of vegetables.

''Molly and James sit in the MacDonalds' living room. James unpacks a parcel while Molly reads Uncle Miles' letter.''

Molly: "Here is a toy made from the wool of one of the sheep that graze about Kilflurgan. James holds a toy sheep. Legend says that it will give the owner the powers and wisdom of the shepherd boy. And, Molly, here's a CD from our local Scottish punk band - Loch Tess." James hands her a CD. Outstanding!

Uncle Miles (narrator): Much love to both of you, your Uncle Miles.

James smiles at the sheep.

Title Card: D.W. Chases Frog
James and Liam play with the lamb and building blocks in preschool.

James (as lamb): We need more blocks for the castle. Bring in the royal bulldozer.

Liam pushes over a block with a toy bulldozer.

Liam: (bulldozer sound)

James (as lamb): Many thanks, Sir Liam.

Liam: Hic. Hic. Hic.

James (as lamb): Methinks this will not be enough blocks for the castle. Methinks we should get some more.

''Liam nods. He gets up when the Tibbles jump in front of him.''

Timmy+Tommy: Boo!

Liam: Hic. Hic.

He steps backwards onto James' lunch bag.

James: Hey, my lunch!

Liam: Hic.

''Liam hands him the bag. James looks angrily at the Tibbles.''

Timmy: What are you looking at us for? He stepped on it.

Tommy: Yeah! We were just trying to cure his hiccups. You should thank us.

Liam: Hic.

Timmy: What an ugly mouse! He takes James' lamb. Does it squeak when you squeeze it?

James takes it back.

James: It's not a mouse, it's a lamb and it has magic powers.

Timmy: What kind of magic powers?

James: It's supposed to give you the powers of the Scottish king who could talk to animals and make rain and stuff.

Timmy+Tommy: (laugh)

Timmy: Maybe your magic mouse-lamb can un-smoosh your lunch.

They leave.

Timmy+Tommy: (laugh)

***

''James unpacks his squashed lunch at a table in the preschool yard. Emily, D.W. and Liam sit with him.''

James: (sighs)

Liam: Hic. Hic...

D.W.: Everyone knows that "boo" doesn't cure hiccups. You need something really scary like Arthur.

''Flashback: D.W. gets ready for Trick-or-Treat. She turns on a flashlight and sees Arthur in his Frankentist costume.''

D.W.: Help! Help!

She hides behind her mom.

The flashback ends.

D.W.: (shudders) He was a Frankentist. I still have no idea what it is, but it was terrifying.

Emily: Here, have one of my Madeleines.

''She passes a cake to James. Liam puts a sandwich on his bulldozer and pushes it over to James.''

Liam: Vroom.

James: Thanks, guys. Well, I guess I can get rid of this now.

''James is about to throw his squashed lunch in a trash can when he hears chirping. A squirrel and several birds are searching for food. Nearby, the Tibbles are eating soup in the playhouse.''

Tommy: (slurps)

Timmy: I can slurp louder than you. (slurps)

Tommy: Oh, yeah?! (slurps)

Timmy: Tommy, look!

Tommy: (coughs) What?

They see James feed his ruined sandwich to the animals.

Timmy: Didn't James say that his mouse-lamb can make him talk to animals?

Tommy: You don't think it really is magic, do you?

Timmy: Nah, but we better make sure.

They slide out of the playhouse as James is feeding the last crumbs to the animals.

James: That's it, guys. The cafeteria's closed.

Liam runs up to him.

Liam: Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic.

He points at the Tibbles, who are pulling at James' lamb.

Timmy+Tommy: (struggle)

James: (gasps)

He runs over.

Tommy: See, it isn't a magic mouse-lamb, it's just a plain mouse-lamb.

James: It's not a mouse-lamb! It's just a lamb! And it's mine!

Timmy: Yeah, if it's magic, then why doesn't it make it rain? Huh? Huh?

Thunder crashes.

***

Molly pays for ice-cream at the Powers' ice-cream shop.

Molly: Hey, bro, you got a quarter?

James takes a coin out of the lamb's mouth and hands it to her.

The Tibbles stand on a box outside looking in while their grandma talks to Thora Read.

Timmy: Did you see that? He just pulled money out of the lamb’s mouth.

Tommy: It really is magic.

When James and Molly come out, the Tibbles prostrate themselves.

Timmy+Tommy: All hail King James.

James smiles as he walks away.

***

''D.W. sits at a table in preschool and draws a purple unicorn. Emily sits beside her.''

D.W.: So then I said, "You're not the boss of me," and then Arthur said... Hey!

Tommy takes her crayon away.

Tommy: Sorry, King James needs more purple.

''James is wearing a paper crown and draws a lamb while Timmy holds a bowl of crayons. D.W. Looks dumbfounded.''

D.W.: Huh?

***

Later that day, Emily sits on the Reads' living room couch while D.W. paces.

D.W.: I can't believe he took my crayon.

Emily: Maybe you're overreacting.

D.W.: I've seen this before, Emily. Like when Mom and Dad leave Arthur in charge. He goes mad with power.

''In D.W.'s imagination, James sits on a throne dressed as a king and petting a lamb. The Tibbles stand guard in medieval uniforms. They hold brooms instead of halberds. Timmy drops a sack of crayons.''

Timmy: That's all the crayons in the kingdom, sire. Shall we draw now, Your Lambness?

James: No, I just like to look at them. (evil laughter)

James+Timmy+Tommy: (evil laughter)

''Thunder crashes. Emily comes in dressed as a peasant woman.''

Emily: (pants) Excuse me, your grace. The people are hungry, they have no bread.

James: Then let them eat Madeleines! Actually, I don't like Madeleines. They're so sweet, you know. He puts down the lamb and stands up. Gather all the Madeleines in the land... and stomp on them!

Tommy: Ooh, I love stomping.

''D.W. slams the door wide open. She is wearing a Robin Hood costume.''

D.W.: Enough! We'll never give you our desserts! This time you've gone too far.

James: You can't tell me what to do! I am the king. He holds up the toy lamb. By the power of this lamb, I hereby sentence D.W. to clean out all the unicorn stables in the land!

D.W.: (gasps)

James+Timmy+Tommy: (evil laughter)

D.W. looks scared and covers her face with her hands.

The fantasy ends.

Emily: Why would anyone stomp on Madeleines?

D.W.: Hm, maybe I am overreacting.

Emily: James is our friend. You should just go talk to him.

***

Molly opens the door for D.W.

D.W.: Is James home?

Molly: He's upstairs with the Tibbles reenacting fairy tales, or something.

D.W. comes in.

''There is a large picture of a crown on James' door. Tommy stands outside. He is wearing a long shirt with a sheep on it, a red towel as a cape and a strainer as a helmet. He is also holding a broom.''

Tommy: Halt! Who goes there?

D.W.: You know who I am, Tommy.

Tommy: What's the password?

D.W.: (sighs) Ridiculous.

Tommy thinks.

Tommy: That's right. Okay, you can enter.

''D.W. walks into James' room. James is wearing the crown and a bathrobe. He sits on a chair and pets the lamb.''

James: Hey, D.W., we're playing King. Want to join us?

D.W.: Er, no. I actually came by to tell you to stop acting like a king. It's kind of annoying. And funny looking.

James: Well, maybe I like being king.

''Timmy comes in. He is dressed like Tommy.''

Timmy: Is there a problem here, Your Lambness?

James: No. D.W. was just leaving.

D.W.: What? But I...

Timmy: You heard King James. Now move it or I'll sweep you.

''He advances with the broom. D.W. leaves.''

***

The next morning, Emily meets D.W. in the preschool's cloakroom.

Emily: So, how did it go with James?

D.W.: See for yourself.

She points at James and the Tibbles who are still wearing their costumes.

''James points at Maryann who is holding a juice carton. Tommy takes it away.''

Maryann: Aah!

Tommy gives the juice to James, who takes a sip and passes it to Timmy, who also takes a sip.

Emily: Oh, dear. This is not good.

***

''Emily and D.W. sit on the swings in the preschool playground. James and the Tibbles approach.''

Tommy: Remove yourselves from the swings, pheasants.

James: It's peasants.

Tommy: Peasants. Come on! Beat it! The King wants to swing.

Emily: Is this how you treat your friends, James? Why are you acting like this? Do you enjoy being mean?

James looks guilty.

Timmy: Come on, your majesty, let's race.

''James and the Tibbles start swinging. Emily and D.W. stand in front of the swings and look at James. D.W. looks angry, and Emily looks sad.''

Tommy: Slow down, Timmy. You're not supposed to go higher than the king.

James stops swinging.

James: Let's go someplace else. I don't like this view.

***

''James and the Tibbles sit in the sandbox. Tommy smashes part of a sandcastle.''

Timmy: Hey, King, what's the matter? Why aren't you smashing anything?

Tommy: He wants something better to smash.

''Tommy walks away. Liam is heard offscreen.''

Liam: Vroom! Hic. Vroom! Hic.

''D.W. and Emily stare at James from the swings. Tommy brings James Liam's bulldozer.''

Tommy: There, smash that, King.

Timmy: Yeah, yeah! Do it, do it, do it!

 James raises the bulldozer up, then he sees Liam.

Liam: (cries)

James brings Liam the bulldozer.

James: Here, Liam. Sorry.

Liam smiles.

''James throws his crown in the trash and walks away. The Tibbles look at the crown and shrug.''

***

''Molly listens to music in her room in the basement. James hands her the lamb.''

James: Here, take it. I don't want it anymore.

Molly takes off her headphones.

Molly: What? Why don't you want it anymore?

James: Cause I don't want to be king. The lamb gave me magic powers and all they've done is make me miserable.

Molly: That was a legend, bro. As in, not real. Anyway, if you remember, the shepherd boy wasn't just magical, he was also kind and generous.

James: Hmm, I haven't been so good at that part.

He walks away.

***

''The next morning, James runs into the preschool classroom with the lamb. The Tibbles salute.''

Tommy: Good morning, King James. What are we gonna smash today?

James: Nothing. You're both fired!

The Tibbles take off their helmets and exchange looks.

Liam is playing with his bulldozer.

Liam: Hic. Vroom. Hic.

James: Here, Liam. I'm giving you the lamb. Be a kind and generous king.

Liam: I don't want that thing! Get it away. Hey! My hiccups are gone. You cured me! Thank you, James.

''He runs off. D.W. and Emily come.''

Emily: Welcome back, James.

James: Thanks.

Emily: So, is it going to rain today, Your Highness?

James: Don't call me that...ever.