To Beat or Not to Beat/Transcript

Introduction
Arthur is on the playground swings.

Arthur: Francine Frensky can do a lot of things well.

Flashback: Francine plays baseball.

Arthur (narrator): She can hit farther than anyone I know…

The flashback ends.

Arthur: …and she can argue about anything better than anyone I know.

Flashback: Francine has pinned Binky against his locker.

Francine: I know what I’m talking about. And if I were wrong, I'd admit I'm wrong, but I’ve never had to do that because I’m never wrong, and you’re messing with the wrong person if you think you can…

Binky: Okay, okay, you win. A tomato is a not a vegetable, it’s a fruit.

''The flashback ends. Arthur climbs on the monkey bars.''

Arthur: But today she wants to do something I don’t think even she should try.

Francine walks by while putting on a football helmet.

Francine: Well, here I go. I’m going to fly.

''She starts running with outstretched arms. Buster comes down the slide.''

Buster: Aren’t you gonna tell her?

Arthur: You tell her!

Buster: She could hurt herself.

Behind them, Francine flaps her arms and takes off.

Arthur: I guess it’s for her own good. Francine, stop it! You're gonna get hurt. Kids can't fly.

Francine: They can’t?

Arthur: No, it's impossible.

Francine: Oh.

She stops flapping her arms and falls to the ground.

Francine: Aah!

Arthur: Don’t you hate it when you have to burst someone’s bubble?

Title Card: Francine hits Gong
While Mr. Morris sweeps the school corridor, Mr. Ratburn addresses his class.

Mr. Ratburn: I know you're all concentrating on Friday's spring talent show, so I'm giving you extra homework to make sure you don’t forget what's really important.

Class: (groan)

After school, Arthur, Buster, Brain and Francine meet at the bike stand.

Buster: I've got all new jokes for the talent show. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? Give up? A carrot!

Arthur: (laughs)

Brain: Humorous.

Arthur: Hey, Francine, what are you gonna do for the talent show?

Francine: I'm not telling. You'll be surprised along with everyone else.

''She rides off on her bike. The boys walk home together.''

Buster: What are you gonna do, Arthur?

Arthur: I’ve been practicing tricks with Pal.

Flashback: Arthur practices tricks with Pal while D.W. and Kate sit in the grass and watch.

Arthur: Pal, sit! Good boy. Pal, shake your...

Pal turns around.

Arthur: …er, tail. Good boy.

''He shakes Pal’s tail. D.W. rolls her eyes.''

D.W.: Oh, brother!

The flashback ends.

Arthur: We're not quite ready yet, but Pal's smart.

Buster: What about you, Brain?

Brain: I am Correcto, the human calculator. The audience will shout out math problems and I'll do them instantly in my head.

Buster: What if Ratburn asks a question?

Brain: I never thought of that.

In a thought bubble, he is standing on stage at the talent show.

Mr. Ratburn: If a train carrying 1,873 scoops of ice-cream leaves Chicago at 7 a.m. and the freezer stops working, how fast would it have to travel to reach New York before half the ice-cream melts, factoring in a melting rate of six scoops per minute?

The thought bubble disappears.

Brain: Maybe I should juggle.

A strange wailing sound is heard.

Arthur: What is that?

Brain: It's coming from that direction.

Buster: You know what it could be? I saw an ad in the newspaper for an exterminator who uses sound to get rid of termites.

''In his imagination, an exterminator stands in a house holding a loudspeaker that emits the wailing sound. The termites flee.''

Termites: (scream)

The fantasy ends.

Brain: There's a definite rhythm to that noise. Like an engine.

Arthur: It'd have to be one gigantic engine.

''In his imagination, a machine with a large suction cup drives a long the street out of control. The operator swings helplessly on a tube.''

The fantasy ends.

Buster: Whatever it is, it's coming from Francine's roof.

***

''Arthur, Buster and Brain walk up on the roof of Westboro Apartments. Francine is playing the drums and singing horribly.''

Francine: Hey, no fair. This was supposed to be a surprise.

Arthur: Oh, well, er... We're surprised.

Francine: I didn't want you to hear me until the talent show. Now that the secret’s out, what do you think?

The boys exchange embarrassed looks.

Francine: Oh, you haven't heard the whole thing yet. I’ll start over.

Brain: Um… I have to go type up the errors I found in the encyclopedia.

Arthur: I’m supposed to clean my room and wash the dog.

Buster: I, er...I’m supposed to dry his dog.

The boys hurry off.

***

Arthur, Brain and Buster finish drinking shakes in the ice-cream shop.

Boys: (sigh)

Arthur: So, what do we do now?

Buster: Order another shake?

Arthur: I mean, what do we do about Francine. We've got go to tell her how awful she sounds before the talent show.

Buster: We do?

Arthur: She's gonna get booed off the stage.

Brain: We shouldn’t say anything. It's not nice to tell someone they're awful at what they do.

Arthur: But what if they really are awful?

Brain: It wouldn’t be polite. And you might hurt her feelings.

Buster: Are you sure you don't want to order more shakes?

He carefully examines his empty glass.

Arthur: We've got to do something. Don't we?

***

That night, Arthur lies in bed with Pal beside him.

Arthur: I have to tell Francine. I bet she'll thank me. Who am I kidding? This is Francine. And what if Brain’s right and I hurt her feelings?

''In his imagination, Francine stands on a cliff above a stormy sea while Arthur stands nearby. Both are wearing 19th century clothes and a violin plays.''

Francine: You don't believe in me. I'm a failure! (blows nose)

''A string quartet stands nearby. The musicians are crying.''

Violinist: How could you have been so cruel?

Arthur: Oh, no! What have I done?

The fantasy ends.

Arthur: What if I'm wrong?

In another fantasy, Arthur and Francine eat cookies in the Frenskys’ kitchen.

Francine: Thanks for telling me how bad my song was, Arthur. I'm so glad I didn't go to the talent show.

Wailing and drumming is heard from the TV.

Arthur: Hey, that sounds like you.

''Catherine is watching a music show in which a pop singer wearing a BINKY (the band) T-shirt sings just like Francine. A music journalist steps in front of the camera.''

Journalist (on TV): What a fantastic song! It's breaking all sales records in every county around the world.

Francine: That could have been me! I could have been famous!

Arthur: (nervous laugh) I guess I was wrong.

Francine: Grr!

She looks like she is about to pounce on Arthur.

The fantasy ends.

Arthur: It could happen.

***

Arthur, Brain and Buster are building a house of cards in the treehouse.

Brain: You were right, Arthur. I thought about it last night and we've got to convince Francine to quit the talent show.

Arthur: I'm not sure anymore. I mean, what if we're wrong? Maybe Francine's music could be the next big thing and sell millions.

The card house collapses.

Arthur: (gasps)

Buster: We should ask Muffy if she likes Francine’s song. She always knows what's popular.

Brain: But Muffy would never say anything bad about Francine.

Arthur: There’s got to be a way for Muffy to hear the song without knowing it's Francine.

***

''Arthur, Brain and Buster, disguised as bushes, walk up to Westboro Apartments. The open the door to the roof where Francine is practicing.''

Francine: (wails) …you can fly! Oh yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah! (wails)

''Brain turns on a tape recorder that is attached to a RC car, then he drives the car over to Francine. The boys wince as Francine goes on singing. A ladybug lands on Buster’s nose.''

Buster: Augh!

He makes the boys fall backwards.

''The car drives over a board and falls off the roof. Francine looks around and shrugs. Then she goes on “singing”.''

''The boys leave the building. Arthur finds the car in the bushes which Mr. Frensky is busy cutting. The boys, still disguised as bushes, take it.''

Mr. Frensky: Huh?

***

The boys play the tape for Muffy outside the Crosswire mansion.

Muffy: What in the world is that? Turn it off!

Arthur: So it's bad, right?

Muffy: The worst.

Arthur: That's Francine practicing for Friday’s spring talent show.

Muffy: Francine's usually a great drummer. How come she sounds so… bad?

Brain: Her bad singing must be affecting her normally good drumming.

Arthur: If that’s true, then we don’t have to get her to drop out of the talent show. We just have to stop her from singing.

Buster: How do we tell her? I mean, it's Francine.

Muffy: I'm her best friend. I'll tell her.

***

''Later, the boys wait outside the Frenskys’ apartment while Muffy talks to Francine. Muffy comes out again.''

Muffy: She wouldn't believe me. She said I was jealous. Why don’t you try telling her, Arthur. If two people say it, she'll believe it.

''Arthur goes in. Then he comes out shaking his head.''

Buster: If three people tell her, she has to believe it.

''Buster goes in. Then he comes out shaking his head.''

Brain: Four's a good, strong number.

''Brain goes in. Then he comes out shaking his head.''

***

The boys and Muffy sit in the treehouse.

Muffy: How could she not believe four people?

Arthur: Well, she’s gonna have to believe it when everyone's booing and holding their ears.

Brain: Poor Francine.

Francine walks up to the treehouse.

Buster: She's here.

Muffy: It worked. She thought about it and she knows we're right.

Francine comes up holding a cassette.

Francine: One of you dropped this in my hall. I've never heard anything so awful in my life. What is it?

Buster: Oh, that? It's... What is that, exactly?

Brain: Well, Francine, it's... It's an audio cassette.

Francine: Come on, Muffy, what’s it a tape of? It sounds like an elephant crushing Ratburn's car.

Muffy: Um... I... er...

Arthur: It's you, Francine. We recorded you while you were playing the drums and singing.

Francine: What kind of friends are you anyway?! Why didn't anyone tell me I sounded so bad?

Arthur: We all told you.

Francine: Oh. Yeah, I guess you did.

Brain: Your drumming has always sounded great when you weren't singing.

Francine: Singing is just as important to me as drumming.

Arthur: You know, you're a really good drummer.

Francine: Maybe I'm not ready to do two things at once yet.

Buster: I agree.

Brain: Excatly.

Arthur+Muffy: You’re right!

Francine: I guess I should only do one. Thanks for warning me. I'd better go practice. The talent show's tomorrow.

''She climbs down looking sad. The others exchange looks.''

***

At the talent show, Prunella sits in front of a goldfish bowl and reads it like a crystal ball.

Prunella: I can see all. I see into the mind of Mr. Ratburn. He's thinking about... Yes. He's thinking about giving a lot of homework.

''The audience claps. Mr. Ratburn comes on stage.''

Mr. Ratburn: Absolutely supernatural. I don't know how she does it. Our next contestant will be Francine Frensky.

Arthur, Buster, Brain and Muffy watch the stage from the wings.

Arthur: I feel so much better knowing that Francine's gonna play the drums and not gonna try to sing.

Muffy: I hope she realizes how much she should thank us.

''The curtain opens. Francine stands there with a microphone and a tape recorder. She takes a bow.''

Arthur: No drums?!

Brain: Oh no! She got it backwards. I can't look.

Buster: I don't want to hear this.

Muffy: (gasps)

''Brain covers his eyes, Buster holds his ears and Muffy covers her mouth. Francine turns on the tape recorder and music starts playing. She starts singing, hesitantly at first, then with confidence. She sounds good.''

Francine: (sings:) “You can fly if you try. / You can fly if you try...”

Muffy: She's good.

Arthur: She's really good.

Brain: She's exceedingly good.

Francine: (sings:) “Like a bird in the sky, if you try.”

Muffy: I knew she was good all along. You guys were trying to convince me I was wrong.

Francine: (sings:) “You can do almost anything / even learn how to sing. / Flap your wings. / You can fly! / You can fly!”

''The audience claps. Francine joins her friends.''

Francine: I would have been so embarrassed if you guys had let me go out there singing and playing the drums.

Buster: Ah, it was nothing.

Arthur: If you can sing and play the drums so well, how come when you did them both at the same time it sounded so... different?

Francine: You mean bad?

Arthur: Well, um...

Francine: I guess I need more practice.

Muffy: I knew you'd be great. I bet you win, Francine.

Mr. Ratburn: And the winner is...George!

George hops on stage on a pogo stick.

Arthur: George again? He always wins.

Muffy: You should have won, Francine.

Francine: I'm gonna keep working on the drumming and the singing. Then next time I'll win. You’ll see.

Arthur: Maybe you should sing, play drums and hop on a pogo stick.

***

Some time later, the boys and Muffy sit on the Frenskys’ roof and listen to Francine playing the drums and singing as badly as before.

Francine: I can fly!! (wails)

The boys look uncomfortable, but Muffy gives Francine the thumbs-up.

Arthur: I guess she sounds a little better. Do you really like it, Muffy?

Muffy: Hmm?

She takes out earplugs.

Muffy: Did you say something?