Get Smart/Transcript

Arthur: Welcome to the Worldwide Teaching Championships. In this corner, defending his title, the Sultan of Schooling, the Homework Hammer Nigel Ratburn!

Buster: Mr. Ratburn's looking good, but he's going to have to bring his A+ game tonight.

Francine: He hasn't faced this tough an opponent since Lenny Long Division Spitz in last year's math relay.

Brain: Capital of Benin?

Mr. Ratburn: Porto-Novo.

Brain: The moons of Mars?

Mr. Ratburn: Phobos and Deimos.

Arthur: And in the other corner, the Dynamo of Data, the number-crunching crusher from Cupertino, California, the Challenger!

Francine: I've never seen anything like it.

Buster: Oh, poor Mr. Ratburn. I can't look.

Mr. Ratburn: Gulp!

Arthur: I want a good, clean match, OK? Shake hands.

Mr. Haney: The Pseudometa Corporation has chosen your class to test out its new smart board for two weeks. The Hugo 3.0 is the latest advancement in user-based technology with a 14 terabyte, terabyte CPU.... Um, well, I'll let you all figure it out. You have fun!

Francine: Turn it on, Mr. Ratburn!

Mr. Ratburn: I'm trying to, Francine.

Brain: May I?

Mr. Ratburn: Be my guest.

Hugo: Hello, my name is Hugo. Good morning, Nigel.

Mr. Ratburn: How did you know my name?

Hugo: I am equipped with both face and voice recognition technology. Does that sufficiently answer your question?

Mr. Ratburn: Er, yes.

Buster: Hugo, do you know what we are having for lunch today?

Binky: Do you have Dark Bunny versus Dr Origami in 3-D? [BABBLE OF QUESTIONS]

Mr. Ratburn: Class, before we start using the smart board, I must read the instruction manual, which, might take some time.

Brain: If you like, I can stay after class and help you go through it.

Mr. Ratburn: Thank you, Alan, but I think I can manage. See you after class.

Brain: Well, that's it. We've gone through the whole manual. It says here, Pseudometa Corp guarantees that Hugo is 100% accurate. How is that possible? I mean, nothing is 100% accurate.

Mr. Ratburn: Normally, I would agree with you, Alan, but I have never seen anything like Hugo. He really is amazing.

Hugo: Thank you, Nigel.

Mr. Ratburn: You're welcome, Hugo.

Mr. Ratburn: Today, we'll learn about the early history of our very own Elwood City. Does anybody know what it used to be in prehistoric times?

Buster: A landing pad for aliens?

Hugo: I'm sorry, that is incorrect. Elwood City was a swamp.

Mr. Ratburn: Now it is a bustling town but what was it that spurred its growth? Anyone? Hugo?

Hugo: The growth of the logging industry was what drove the development of Elwood City.

Mr. Ratburn: That's right, when the first steam powered sawmill was built here, Elwood City was catapulted into the industrial age and the man who had this sawmill built was none other than our founder, Jacob Katzenellenbogan.

Hugo: I'm sorry, that is incorrect. [ALL GASP]

Mr. Ratburn: I beg your pardon?

Hugo: You said that the man responsible for building the first steam powered sawmill in Elwood City was Jacob Katzenellenbogan. That is incorrect.

Mr. Ratburn: No, it isn't, I'm quite sure, Hugo.

Hugo: Perhaps you do not know what the word incorrect means. Synonyms are mistaken, faulty, wrong.

Mr. Ratburn: Yes, yes, I know what the word incorrect means.

Hugo: The man who had the first steam powered sawmill built in Elwood City was named Francis Wheaton. Known as Wheaty to his friends. Was born in 1866.

Mr. Ratburn: That's enough, Hugo. I guess I'll just have to take your word for it.

Hugo: That is an excellent choice, Nigel. Given the fact that I'm 100% accurate.

Arthur: Mr. Ratburn wrong? I can't believe it.

Brain: Neither can I.

Dave (Executive): How's the testing on the Hugo 3.0 coming?

Technician: Here's the latest error report.

Dave: Missed a few dates, some facts, 98% accurate is good enough. We'll call it 100.

Hugo: But that would be a lie, Dave.

Dave: Who's going to care about the little 2%? People who go to libraries?If our marketing strategy is right, Hugo will replace libraries.

Both Dave and Technician: Ha-ha-ha!

Brain: Huh!

Brain: I tried researching early Elwood City history on the Internet but there wasn't a lot of information.

Paige Turner: Some things can still only be found in books. Here. ''Elwood City. Past, Present and Future''.

Brain: "The opening of the first steam powered sawmill was reported by the Elwood City Gazette." Aha! Elwood City Gazette. Spring 1902.

Mr. Ratburn: The equilateral triangle is a triangle in which all three sides are... Arthur.

Arthur: Of equal length?

Mr. Ratburn: Correct. And just for fun, can anyone tell me what Asian country has an equilateral triangle on its flag? Yes, well, it is a toughie. How about you, Hugo? Are you stumped as well?

Hugo: The equilateral triangle is featured in the flag of the Philippines.

Mr. Ratburn: Hmm, that's correct.

Francine: A-B-I-L-I-T-Y. Ability.

Mr. Ratburn: Excellent, Francine, you might consider entering this year's spelling bee.Speaking of which, Hugo, what was the winning word in last year's national spelling bee?

Hugo: Cymotrichous. C-Y-M-O-T-R-I-C-H-O-U-S. It means having wavy hair. Shall I put it in a sentence?

Mr. Ratburn: No, no, that won't be necessary. Let's move on. What is the largest painting in the world?

Hugo: Mother Earth by Swedish artist David Aberg.

Mr. Ratburn: What is the smallest?

Hugo: Fish by J’Sha.

Mr. Ratburn: Oldest?

Hugo: The cave paintings in France.

Mr. Ratburn: All right, all right. What about, ah, here we go. What is the traditional stringed instrument of Mauritania?

Hugo: The tidinit.

Mr. Ratburn: Oh! Very good, Hugo.

Hugo: Thank you, Nigel.

Arthur: Hugo's amazing!

Binky: Whoa, he's the best.

Paige Turner: Yes, here it is, Elwood City Gazette, 1902. You should find what you are looking for in here.

Brain: Thanks.

Mr. Ratburn: Aha! I'll bet you didn't know that, did you, Hugo? I've got him where I want him! Ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Ratburn: Good morning, everyone. Today, we will start with a pop quiz. [CLASS GROANS] Not to worry, it is just for Hugo. There is only one question and it concerns the subject of puppetry. In the traditional Turkish shadow plays of the Ottoman period, there were two main puppets. One was named Karagoz. What was the name of the other one? Arthur: Hugo doesn't know!

Francine: Mr. Ratburn finally stumped him!

Hugo: Hacivat.

Mr. Ratburn: Oh!

Hugo: The name of the other puppet was Hacivat.

Binky: Yay! Whoo-hoo!

Mr. Ratburn: Well, Hugo, I guess you win.

Brain: Wait! You were right. The man responsible for building the first steam powered sawmill in Elwood City WAS Jacob Katzenellenbogan.

Mr. Ratburn: But Hugo said...

Brain: I found a copy of the Elwood City Gazette from the day the sawmill opened. Here it clearly states Jacob was the owner and the man behind the project. But in the caption it misidentifies Francis Wheaton the architect as the owner. That's probably why Hugo made the mistake.

Hugo: That is incorrect, Alan. I am not capable of making mistakes.

Brain: I thought you might say that. That's why I looked for Jacob's last living descendant. Hugo, meet Alfred Katzenellenbogan.

Alfred: Here is a document that proves my great uncle was the man who had that mill built.

Hugo: That man must not be Alfred Katzenellenbogan.

Alfred: What?! Take it back, flat face!

Mr. Ratburn: It's all right, I can handle this. Hugo, I am afraid it is time to admit that you are NOT 100% accurate.

Hugo: Let's discuss this calmly, Nigel, but I can give you my complete assurance that I can... [GIBBERISH] # Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do... Bye Nigel. #

[CLASS CHEERING]

Mr. Ratburn: Class, class, it's not as if it were a competition. Mr. Katzenellenbogan, would you share some of your memories of early Elwood City with us?

Alfred: I'd be delighted. Once, my great uncle took me on a tour of that sawmill. The noise was so loud...