Matchmaker, Match Breaker/Transcript

Introduction
''Arthur is sitting under a tree in his yard and writing in a diary. Francine comes by.''

Francine: Hey, what you writing?

Arthur: Huh? Oh, nothing much. Just some thoughts.

Francine: What kind of thoughts? Can I see?

Arthur: Um, actually, it's private.

Francine: Oh, I see! It's about me, isn't it?

Arthur: I didn't say that.

Muffy: Hey, guys. What's going on?

Francine: Oh, Arthur's writing about me. That's what's going on. It's probably something mean.

Arthur: It's not mean.

Francine: So it's something nice?

Arthur: It's not about you.

Muffy: Is it about me? Is it about my hair? You noticed I'm using a new conditioner, right? It's called Mountain Mist, if you want to write it down.

Francine: Come on. Just let us see it.

Arthur: No!

''He holds the diary in his mouth and climbs the tree. Francine and Muffy walk away.''

Francine+Muffy: (laugh)

Arthur: Phew! Don't you hate it when people try to stick their nose in your business? Some things are just private.

Buster hangs down from a higher branch.

Buster: What you writing? Can I see?

Arthur: (groans)

Title Card: Francine Bangs Gong
''Bailey walks into the Crosswire mansion holding a travelling bag. He holds the door open for Chip Crosswire. Muffy runs down the stairs.''

Muffy: Chip! You're home!

Chip: Hey, it's the Muffler.

He picks her up and swings her around.

Muffy: (squeals)

Chip and Muffy sit down on a couch.

Muffy: So, how's Tallahassee Tech?

Chip: Pretty cool, but they keep me really busy. There’s swim practice, freshmen mixers, fraternities to check out. Oh, yeah, and classes, too.

Muffy: My Chipwich must be exhausted. But you'll have plenty of time to rest after the welcome-home dinner I planned for you tonight.

Chip: Welcome-home dinner?

Muffy: Oh, don't worry. I promise it'll be very relaxed and not fancy.

''That night the Crosswire’s and Frenskys are sitting in the mansion in their best clothes while Bailey serves soup. Mr. Crosswire eats a spoonful and dabs his mouth with his napkin.''

Mr. Crosswire: A-hem. So, Oliver, how's the sanitation business?

Mr. Frensky: Well, you know what they say about My line of work - if you're willing to get your hands dirty, you can really clean up! (laughs)

Pause.

Mr. Crosswire: I don't get it.

Mr. Frensky: Now, you see, as a sanitation worker, I actually do have to get my hands dirty...

Francine: Oh, no. My father's telling jokes. He promised he wouldn't.

Muffy: I told Bailey to use the pink napkins. Oh, this welcome-home dinner is a disaster.

Chip is chatting with Catherine.

Francine: At least they seem to be having a good time.

''Muffy and Francine smile at the teenagers. Chip and Catherine simultaneously take out their cell phones.''

Catherine: No way! I have the Portalex three-eighty, too!

Muffy: They seem to really like each other.

Francine: Hey, you know, if Chip and Catherine ever got married...

Muffy: …we'd be sisters!

A sitcom theme song plays while Francine and Muffy as young grown-ups ride a tandem bike along a street.

Theme Song: "They used to be friends, now they're related. Always together, never separated. They drive a sports car and stand on a mountain. Who are those beautiful two? The Frenskwire sisters, that's who."

A title card reads “The Frenskwire Sisters Show”.

''Muffy sits at a table in an apartment. Francine comes in.''

Adult Francine: How's it going?

Adult Muffy: Terrible. I just bought this horse, but I have no idea how to ride it.

A horse stands in the room and whinnies.

Adult Francine: No sweat. I'll teach you. But, Muffy, where's it gonna live? Our apartment's too small.

Adult Muffy: Silly, I just bought the one next door and turned it into a stable. We're rich, remember?

''A wall disappears showing a room furnished like a stable. The horse runs over.''

Adult Francine: Oh, yeah. I love being sisters.

Adult Muffy: Me, too.

The horse whinnies.

''The fantasy ends. Muffy and Francine sit at the table looking dreamily.''

Francine: That would be so cool.

Muffy: I know. Let's get to work!

''Later that evening the two fathers and the two mothers sit together and chat. Chip and Catherine stand by a mantelpiece.''

Mr. Frensky: How 'bout those Grebes, huh?

Chip: So, you know, I'm kinda leaning towards Gamma Gamma Mu, but I don’t know. The Gotta Lotta Moolahs are pretty cool, too.

Muffy and Francine walk over.

Francine: Hi.

Muffy: How's it going?

Francine: Fun night, huh?

Muffy: I know I'm having fun.

Francine: Me too.

Muffy: What about you two?

Francine: Having fun?

Catherine: Um, yeah.

Chip: Sure.

Muffy: Good.

Francine: Great!

Muffy: We were just checking.

''She and Francine leave. Chip and Catherine shrug.''

A little later the teenagers are still talking.

Chip: Then there's Zeta Eta Theta, but I'm kinda leaning towards the other way.

Francine and Muffy and stop near the teenagers with a newspaper and stage a conversation.

Francine: Hey, Muffy, any interest in seeing Leaf Blower 4? I hear it's really scary.

Muffy: You know how I love scary movies! But wait. It's playing all the way out at Mill Creek Mall. We'll have to find someone to take us.

She looks at Chip.

Chip: If it's okay with the 'rents, hey, I'll take you, Muffler. You wanna come?

Catherine: Sure. I loved Leaf Blower 3.

Muffy and Francine leave.

Chip: Hey, remember when the principal gets his tie caught in the mulcher?

Catherine: Dude, that was so gross!

''Muffy and Francine meet outside in the hallway. Bailey walks by with a tray.''

Francine: Phase one of operation Frenskwire is complete.

They slap hands.

''Muffy and Francine are sitting in a movie theater behind Catherine. Muffy looks scared, Francine is covering her eyes.''

Muffy: This movie is awful. Couldn't you have picked another one?

Francine: It's the only one I knew Catherine wanted to see.

Chip returns to his seat beside Catherine with a drink.

Francine: Hey, how come Chip didn't get Catherine a juice?

Muffy: She didn't ask for one.

Francine: I know. But it would have been nice.

Muffy: I'll tell you what would be nice. If Catherine shared the armrest. Look! She's hogging the whole thing.

Francine: That's not hogging. That's just being romantic.

Both look at the screen.

Francine+Muffy: (gasp) Ahh!

Chip: Hey, you wanna meet some of my friends for a latteccino at the Stardoes after we drop the kids off?

Catherine: Okay.

Francine: See?

Francine runs up to Catherine when she returns home.

Francine: How'd it go? Did you guys have a good time? What'd you do?

Catherine: Nothing.

Francine: Nothing? What do you mean, nothing? How can you spend three hours doing nothing?

Catherine: We hung out at the mall, that's all. Why are you so interested anyway?

Francine: Me? I'm not interested. What you do with your friends is your business. I have to use the phone.

She runs off.

Muffy and Francine sit in the Chickin Lickin’ wearing disguises.

Muffy: Ugh! This chicken's so greasy. And the lighting is very unflattering.

Chip and Catherine are having lunch at the other end of the restaurant.

Francine: Not everyone can afford fancy restaurants, moneybags. Not like Chip would pay for it, anyway.

Muffy: What do you mean by that?

Francine: He's so cheap, he wouldn't even spring for a juice at the movies.

Muffy: My brother is not cheap!

Francine: He is, too. And he invited another person on their date. Look!

Angi sits down beside Chip.

Muffy: That's Angi, one of Catherine's friends. I recognize her from the Sugar Bowl.

Francine: Hey, you're right. That makes it even worse.

They stare at each other.

''The “Frenskwire Sisters” opening is shown again. This time the tandem bike goes very fast.''

Muffy: Slow down! I can't keep up.

Francine: Keep up? You're not even pedaling.

Theme Song: “They used to be friends, now they're related. Thought they would like it, turns out they hate it. They drive a sportscar in the rain and argue on a mountaintop during a storm. Who are these miserable two? The Frenskwire sisters, that's who.”

Muffy is doing her toenails on the couch while Francine sweeps the stable side of the apartment.

Adult Francine: Muffy, it's your turn to clean up after Thunderbolt.

Adult Muffy: But I just did my nails. Anyway, I fed him earlier.

Adult Francine: Yeah, the cake I made for Catherine's birthday!

Adult Muffy: Oh. Is that what that was? I thought it was garbage. It's so hard to tell the difference with your cooking.

The horse whinnies.

The fantasy ends.

Francine: I'm ending this relationship between your brother and my sister.

Muffy: Fine! You'd make a terrible sister, anyway. We'll just see who ends it first.

''Bailey stands in Muffy’s bedroom. Muffy has a tape recorder and a telephone.''

Bailey: I don't know if this is such a good idea, Miss Muffy.

Muffy: Bailey, it's for the good of the Crosswire family. All you have to do is ask her a few questions.

''Bailey phones. Catherine is on the other end.''

Catherine: Hello?

Muffy turns on the recorder.

Bailey: A-hem. Hello. I'm conducting a survey that could win you a trip to Hawaii. Is your first name Kate?

Catherine: No, it's Catherine.

Bailey: Do you prefer pickle-flavored ice cream or chocolate chip?

Catherine: Chocolate chip.

Bailey: How would you describe your feelings towards liver?

Catherine: I hate liver!

Bailey: What letter comes after T in the alphabet?

Catherine: U?

Bailey: Thank you very much. We'll let you know if you've won.

Muffy: Perfect. Now, all I have to do is a little editing.

''Catherine is working on the computer at home. Francine hands her an envelope.''

Francine: Here. This was in the mail for you. She waits expectantly while Catherine opens it and reads the letter. What is it?

Catherine: A really weird letter from Chip. He says he's moving to Alaska and he never wants to see me again.

Francine: Oh, well. Good riddance, right?

She smiles.

At the Crosswire mansion Chip receives a phone call made from Catherine’s recorded voice.

Catherine (on phone): “Chip ... it's Catherine ... I hate... U?”

''The doorbell rings. Catherine waits outside holding the letter.''

Catherine: I just got your letter. You're moving to Alaska?

Chip: No. I just got your message. Why did you say you hate me?

Catherine: I didn't!

Catherine/Chip: Francine. / Muffy.

Francine and Muffy sit on a couch in the Crosswire mansion while Catherine and Chip stand in front of them.

Francine: Okay, I admit it. I wrote that letter from Chip.

Muffy: And I made Bailey call Catherine with that fake survey.

Chip: But why, Muffler?

Muffy: I didn't want you two to get married.

Francine: That’s not true! At first you did. But then you thought a Frensky wasn't good enough to be in your family.

Muffy: I never said that! You were the one who called Chip cheap!

Chip: I'm not cheap!

Catherine: How could you think we'd get married? We're not even dating.

Chip: Yeah. Where'd you come up with that crazy idea?

Francine: I guess we just thought it would be… kind of cool if we were related.

Catherine: Sorry to disappoint you, but Chip and I are just friends.

She and Chip leave the room while Francine and Muffy stare at each other.

Chip and Catherine stand at the Crosswire’s entrance.

Catherine: Well, I'd better finish that biology paper.

Chip: Yeah. I'm gonna wash my hair. See ya.

Muffy and Francine are still sitting on the couch.

Francine: Ach. There goes our chance of being sisters.

Muffy: Yep. I guess we'll just have to settle for best friends.

The theme song plays again while flashbacks from the episode are shown.

Theme Song: “They’re still just friends. No, they’re not related. Never gonna be ‘cause of the mess they created. Who are these meddling two? Muffy and Francine, that’s who!”