Francine Frensky, Superstar/Transcript

(The class is auditioning for a school play. Mr. Ratburn is sitting down with a notepad watching Buster tap dance)

Arthur Read: Every time we audition for a class play, Francine gets the toughest roles. Like the time Buster was George Washington and she was the cherry tree.

Francine: Ow!

Arthur: (V.O.) Or the time she was Sir Issac Newton and discovered gravity.

Francine: Eureka! Ow, ow, ow, ow, OW!

(crashing, audience laughs)

Arthur: WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!

Francine: Ow.

Arthur: (V.O.) And then there was the play that explained the orchestra.

Francine: I am the mighty cymbal. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Arthur: I guess she's gotten used to it.

Nigel Ratburn: Next, Francine.

Francine: Ow.

(Title Card)

(In Mr. Ratburn's Class...)

Mr. Ratburn: What could be a better way to start the day with 100 exciting... math problems!

(Meanwhile, at Mrs. Sweetwater's class, her students are eating treats. Arthur thinks they're delicious.)

Mr. Ratburn: Alright class, the next order of business is it's our turn to put on a play.

(Everyone in the class raises their hands.)

Mr. Ratburn: Any ideas? Sue Ellen?

Binky: I don't want to do some girls play!

Sue Ellen: How about a spooky story with thunder and lightning?

Class: (gasps)

Sue Ellen: And a massive monster made of mucus who gets his arms pulled off!

Muffy: OH NO!

Sue Ellen: Don't worry, they grow back. Being mucus and all....

(Binky claps, but suddenly sits down)

Mr. Ratburn: Imaginative, but a bit too complicated for us, Sue Ellen. (he calls on The Brain next)

Brain: Let's simulate space travel. I can make rocket fuel easily!

Mr. Ratburn: Again, good, but complicated. How about the story of the great inventor, Thomas Edison?

Francine: Did he invent anything that would hit me in the face?

Mr. Ratburn: No. Can anyone name one of his inventions?

Muffy: The Dewey Decimal System?

Mr. Ratburn: No, that was Dewey.

Muffy: Oh, I thought that was his middle name.

Mr. Ratburn: Thomas ALVA Edison invented the phonograph........ The? Record player?....... It was before CD's. It played music with a needle.

Binky: Is that a joke?!

Mr. Ratburn: NO! I think this play will be very educational for everyone.

(Auditions are being held in the all purpose room. Mr. Ratburn is sitting in a chair with a notepad in his hands.)

Arthur: Could you give Francine a good part in the play? She's never had one.

Mr. Ratburn: I'll certainly consider it. Thank you!

Muffy: I'll bet Francine would be really good if she didn't get hit in the face.

Brain: I realize that I'm the obvious Edison, but might I suggest Francine?

(Buster walks up)

Mr. Ratburn: You want Francine to get a good part.

Buster: Uhhhh.... Yeah! He's so smart, it's scary!

(Arthur and Binky are on stage)

Binky: I was the wall in Humpty Dumpty, I was Plymouth Rock on Thanksgiving! I hope there's a wall in this play because I'm real steady!

Mr. Ratburn: All your auditions were excellent! Buster, since you have so much energy, you'll be the first lightbulb!

Buster: I'm also very bright!

Mr. Ratburn: Arthur, you're the first phonograph! Binky, you're a locomotive!

Binky: YES!

Mr. Ratburn:  For the part of Thomas Edison.... FRANCINE!

Class: Yay Francine! Alright Francine! Way to go! Congratulations! That's great!

Francine: I'M THE STAR?! I WON'T LET THE CLASS DOWN! I'M GONNA GIVE 110% TO THIS PART!

(At the library, Francine is looking for some books on Thomas Edison. She goes up to Miss Turner to help her out.)

Francine: Where is the Thomas Edison section, please?

Miss Turner: Look in the biographies; he doesn't have his own section.

Francine: WHAT DOES A MAN HAVE TO DO TO BE CONSIDERED IMPORTANT IN THIS CRUMMY LIBRARY?!

(Arthur and Buster are walking down the sidewalk. Then, Francine speeds along in her bicycle carrying a lot of books, nearly hitting Buster and Arthur. They run after her.)

Arthur: Francine, what are all those books?!

Francine: Can you believe that these were the only books the library had about Edison?!

Buster: Yeah.

Arthur: Wanna come to the Sugar Bowl with us?

Francine: I have to study my inventions. I don't have time for ice cream and childish small talk!

Arthur: What's with her?

Buster: Beats me.

(At night, there are lots of books in Francine's room. Then, she flickers the light switch on and off as part of Edison's invention of the lightbulb. However, it annoys Catherine.)

Catherine: Francine, I'm trying to read Shakespeare!

Francine: I'm sorry, Katherine, but if I'm to play Edison convincingly, I need experience with electric lights.

Catherine: Why don't you study a phonograph or a movie camera? He invented those.

Francine: Good idea! I will! As soon as I'm done here. (flickers the lights)

Catherine: MOTHER!!!!!!

(At the camera shop, the store clerk behind the counter shows Francine an old camera and explains the parts of it)

Store Clerk: The film is pulled past the shutter...... DON'T OPEN IT! You'll expose the.... film.

(At the music store, she discovers a phonograph. She cranks the crank and it projects loud music. Then, at the hardware store, she discovers all different types of lightbulbs. Meanwhile, Muffy and Prunella notice her.)

Muffy: Hey, Francine! Francine!

(Muffy and Prunella walk into the store.)

Prunella: Wanna go to the mall and hang out or something?

Francine: No, but you're welcome to study incondecent filaments with me.

Muffy: OH! How boring! We're talking about the mall! Stuff to buy, clothes to try on, FUN!

Francine: My inventions are NOT boring! Without lights, you'd have to shop in the dark! Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you already do.

(Muffy cries and leaves.)

Prunella: THAT WAS MEAN!

Francine: She insulted incondecent filaments first!

(Now we see the students trying their costumes.)

Brain: If there's any problems, I can redesign your costumes.

(Francine checks all the costumes, and then goes up to Buster.)

Francine: What's that?

Buster: I'm a lightbulb.

Francine: You're an incondecent lamp! But I meant, THESE!

Brain: Those are airholes.

Francine: If an incondecent lamp had airholes, it wouldn't work. Don't you know ANYTHING!

Brain: Yes, but....

Francine: ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THIS PLAY?! NO AIRHOLES!

Brain: O...okay....

(Back in class, Mr. Ratburn gives a lesson.)

Mr. Ratburn: In 1879, when the first lightbulb was invented.... (Francine raises her hand)..... Francine?

Francine: You're wrong, Mr. Ratburn.

(Buster, Muffy, and Arthur gasp)

Francine: I mean, Edison invented the incondecent lamp. It wasn't called a lightbulb until much later. Okay?

Arthur: She's doomed!

Mr. Ratburn: You're right, Francine. My mistake.

Francine: Also, it's time for rehearsal.

(The crew busily prepares the set, but Francine is unsatisfied with the costumes)

Francine: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Mr. Ratburn: What's the problem, Francine?

Sue Ellen: Sue Ellen's film has no sprocket holes. How could the film go without sprocket holes?

Mr. Ratburn: Let's go have The Brain fix that.

Arthur: Francine?

Francine: Why aren't you wearing your bell?

Arthur: It makes everything echo.

Francine: (forces the bell onto Arthur) If you don't do it right, I'LL UNINVENT YOU AND YOU WON'T BE IN MY PLAY AT ALL!

(At the Sugar Bowl....)

Buster: This is our own fault. We asked Ratburn to give her a good part.

Brain: She acts like it's her own show.

Arthur: Muffy, you're her best friend. Couldn't you speak to her?

Muffy: Of course I could speak to her. But I'M NOT speaking to her.

Prunella: Francine insulted her clothes.

Binky: I could pound her. (soda spills on him)

Arthur: No, that's okay. I'll talk to her.

Buster: Make it quick! We have dress rehearsal for the kindergarten kids in the morning. And our parents will be here tomorrow night!

(Back at Francine's apartment...)

Mrs. Frensky: Honey, it's Arthur again! He says it's important!

Francine: It can't be important as what I'm doing. Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

(The day of the dress rehearsal comes. The kindergarteners are waiting for the show to start. Then, Francine peeks out from the curtain. Then, Buster cannot breathe since there are no airholes.)

Brain: It needs airholes Francine.

Francine: Hmmmm.... (looks at a picture of a lightbulb) Uh huh, hmmmmmm...... No, it's perfect.

Buster: Can't..... breathe......

Arthur: Francine, everyone believes you're treating them badly.

Francine: Don't bother me, I'm preparing.

Arthur: You can't treat everyone like this. They're really mad at you!

Francine: They're just jealous because they don't have my talent and winning personality.

Binky: That's it! I'm gonna teach her!

Muffy: ME TOO!

Brain: ME THREE!

(The kindergartners chat, then Muffy, dressed as a cowgirl, comes on stage to start the show.)

Muffy: Welcome to our play about Thomas Edison! The wizard of Mental Park!

(kindergartners applaud)

Francine (correctively whispers): Menlo Park, not Mental Park!

(The curtain opens. The phonograph is presented first with Francine as Edison and Fern and other two kids as reporters.)

Francine: It's 1877 and here is my new invention, the phonograph.

Reporters: WE DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Francine: Prepare to be amazed! (cranks the crank)

Arthur: All operators are busy. Please hang up and dial again.

Francine (whispering): You're a phonograph, play music!! (cranks it again)

Arthur: If you're calling from a touchtone phone, press 1 now.

(kindergartners laugh)

Francine: It's 1879, and here is my incondecent lamp! Brighter than any candle!

Reporters: WE DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Francine: Prepare to be amazed! (she then turns on a switch. Instead, Buster has a water gun.) Huh?

(Buster squirts her in the face.)

Francine: AAAHHHH!

Brain: Now how could that have happened?

(everyone backstage laughs, and the kindergarteners in the audience laugh more. Francine is angry and wet.)

Francine: Now it's time to use my  kinetoscope to film, "The Great Train Robbery"!

Binky: CHUGGA, CHUGGA! CHOO, CHOO! CHUGGA, CHUGGA! CHOO, CHOO! CHUGGA, CHUGGA....

Muffy: Stick em up!

(Sue Ellen giggles)

Binky: You're not robbing this train! Put em up! Put em up!

(kindergarteners laugh hysterically. The cast can-can dances while Francine attempts to go back to her spot, but gets shut out by the closing curtain. After the show, Francine goes into the dressing room with her head down and cries.)

Mr. Ratburn: Looks like we had a few technical difficulties. Can we fix them before the parents show tonight?

Muffy: That's up to Francine.

Francine: Me?! You ruined my show!

Arthur: Francine, it's not just YOUR show. We worked hard too! The show belongs to all of us!

Francine:  I guess maybe I was a little self-centered. Ok, I rot. But we could do a good show together. If anybody would want to do anything with me anymore.

Mr. Ratburn: Well?

(class cheers)

(Now it's time for the parents to see the show. This time, everyone does their part correctly. When Francine cranks the crank, music comes out.)

(When Francine turns on the switch, Buster lights up with airholes in his lightbulb costume wearing sunglasses. Everybody in the audience cheers as the cast takes their bows.)

Francine: It took all of us to make this play. I couldn't have done it alone. (curtain closes, but Francine peeks out) They couldn't have done it without me either. (audience continues cheering and applauding)

(END)