Return of the Snowball/Transcript

Introduction
''The intro begins with the words “Recently in a galaxy far far away…” and then a “Star Wars”-like opening crawl. The whole dialogue appears on the screen.''

Announcer: Recently in a galaxy far far away…

Arthur: There is unrest in the Read home. D.W. still thinks about the snowball all the time and won’t shut up about it.

D.W.: Arthur stole my snowball from the freezer! I know it was him!

Arthur: Quiet, D.W. I’m the narrator. To combat the dark side of D.W., Arthur has...

D.W.: Mom!

Arthur: Ignore her. As I was saying…

Mrs. Read: Arthur, let your sister talk.

Arthur: But it’s about the snowball!

Mrs. Read: Oh, no. That again?

The written dialogue stops.

''A flying saucer zooms past the Earth. The camera zooms in from space to the Read house.''

D.W.: What do you mean “that again”? Somebody stole my snowball.

Arthur: D.W. I’m trying to read this narration, so…

D.W.: So no one cares that my snowball was stolen. They just want to read your stupid narration.

Arthur: How can people know what the story is, if you won’t let me say what it is.

D.W.:W ell, I would, if you would tell the story right.

Arthur: Fine. Why don’t you just do it yourself?

Flashback: D.W. sees that the snowball is back.

D.W.: (gasps)

Title Card: D.W. as Fairy
''The Reads are celebrating Mrs. Read’s birthday with Grandma Thora. A half-eaten birthday cake lies on the dinner table.''

Mrs. Read: Well, thank you, everybody. That was a wonderful dinner.

Mr. Read: Happy birthday, old-timer!

He kisses her.

D.W. comes in with the snowball on a plate.

D.W.: Mom! Dad! Look! My snowball's back!

Mrs. Read: How wonderful!

Arthur: You found it!

D.W.: And right on the six-month, two-week, and four-day anniversary from when it got stolen, too!

She puts the snowball on the table.

Mrs. Read: I'm glad you're happy, honey. That makes my birthday extra special. Mm.

They hug.

***

In the evening, D.W. sits at the kitchen table and watches the snowball which is lying on a bag of frozen peas.

Mrs. Read: Okay, D.W., you're gonna have to put that away for now. It's way past your bedtime.

She puts the snowball in the freezer.

D.W.: Be careful! It's very fragile! Slowly... slower...slower... ''Mrs. Read closes the freezer door. D.W. holds a dripping bag.'' Wait! You forgot the peas!

***

That night, D.W. lies in bed.

D.W.: Oh, Snowball, I'm so glad you're back.

''In her dream she enters a castle wearing a pink dress. Two ice horses salute her while ice people are dancing a waltz. An anthropomorphic snowball, wearing shoes, a bow tie and a hat, dances with her.''

Snowball: I'm glad to be back, too, D.W. I've missed you. It's been a long six months, two weeks and four days. By the way, how did I get back?

D.W. and the snowball stand on a balcony and look at the stars.

D.W.: I don't know! Don't you?

Snowball: How would I? I don't have eyes or a brain. I'm just a snowball. But I'll tell you one thing. If somebody took me once, what's to stop them from taking me again?

D.W.: (gasps) What do you mean?

Snowball: Well...

Two huge mittened hands grab the snowball.

Arthur: (laughs)

Snowball: D.W...!

''The dream ends. D.W. sits up.''

D.W.: No!

***

''D.W. goes to the kitchen in her pajamas and opens the freezer. Then she tries out several boxes from a cupboard, until she finds one into which the snowball fits. She then ties duct tape around the box, but the tape does not stick. She gets a chain from a bicycle and a lock from a drawer. Then, she puts the box into the freezer with the chain and string around it. The lock just hangs on the string.''

D.W.: (sighs)

D.W. wakes up later that night.

D.W.: (gasps)

She goes down to the kitchen with a flashlight.

Early in the morning, Mrs. Read comes into the kitchen and finds D.W. asleep at the table in front of the open freezer.

Mrs. Read: D.W.?

D.W. wakes up.

D.W.: Huh?

She points the flashlight at her mom.

***

''The Read family has breakfast. Mrs. Read looks tired.''

D.W.: Well, if it got stolen once, what's to stop it from being stolen again?

Arthur puts his dishes away.

Arthur: It obviously wasn’t stolen, or you wouldn't have found it!

D.W.: What does that mean?

Mr. Read: I think he's saying it probably just got lost behind all that stuff in the freezer. Then, when everything got moved around for your mother’s birthday party yesterday...

D.W. runs after Arthur.

D.W.: Arthur! What are you doing?

Arthur: Clearing my dishes.

D.W.: A likely story! Stay right there! Arthur shakes his head while D.W. moves a chair to the refrigerator and takes the box out of the freezer. I can't tell if it's still in here.

''Arthur walks past his mom. He points in D.W.’s direction and shakes his head. D.W. puts the box on the table and tries to rip off the chain.''

Mrs. Read: D.W., what are you doing in there?

D.W.: Nothing!

''D.W. tries to spear the box with a meat fork. Mrs. Read takes the fork away.''

Mrs. Read: D.W.! What are you doing? You could hurt yourself.

D.W.: But I have to find out if Arthur took it!

With her mom’s help, D.W. has managed to open the box.

D.W.: (gasps) It's smaller!

***

''D.W. lies in bed. Mrs. Read puts the snowball in a cool box beside the bed.''

Mrs. Read: Alright, here's where your snowball's gonna live from now on, and that's final. We just can't have you wrecking the kitchen or, worse, hurting yourself over this.

She closes the box.

D.W.: But aren't you gonna punish Arthur? He obviously took the outside part of my snowball.

Mrs. Read: Arthur didn't take anything. It's just melted from being fussed with so much, not to mention sitting in an open freezer all night.

D.W. opens the cool box and adjusts the icepacks around the snowball.

***

''D.W. tosses and turns in bed. In her dream, she is standing in the castle, where the ice people and horses are melting. The snowball is only half as big, which makes him hard to dance with.''

D.W.: (gasps) Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Snowball: Ah, D.W., maybe it's time to take just a little...break.

''They stand on the balcony. The crescent moon is melting as well.''

D.W.: Putting you in the cooler wasn't my idea.

Snowball: You know, maybe if you found out who put me back in the freezer, you'd know who stole me to begin with.

D.W.: Arthur!

Snowball: (shivers) Just the name gives me shivers. But, if you can prove that he did it, then your mom and dad might keep him from doing me any more damage.

D.W.: Oh, Snowball! That's brilliant!

She hugs him.

Snowball: Watch it! You're melting me!

D.W.: Sorry.

''Arthur is reading on the bed. D.W. comes with a notebook.''

D.W.: Okay, I just have a few questions.

Arthur: Uh-huh.

D.W.: Where were you between six months ago and Mom’s party?

Arthur: Listening to you whine about your snowball twenty-four hours a day.

D.W. makes notes.

D.W.: Mm-mm. And where did you keep the snowball?

Arthur: Mom!

''Cut to D.W. sitting on her bed. Mrs. Read closes the door on her.''

D.W.: This isn’t gonna be as easy as I thought.

***

''D.W. checks that her mom is sitting at the table. She gets a handkerchief from the living room.''

Brain’s phone rings.

Brain: Hello?

D.W.: Hi, Brain, it's Arthur. You have to come to my house right away.

She has put the handkerchief over the transmitter.

Brain: What's wrong with your voice?

D.W.: I have a cold! (coughs) See?

***

D.W. opens the door as Brain is about to ring the bell.

D.W.: Arthur just went to buy medicine. He told me to keep you company.

She pulls him inside.

***

''D.W: smashes her piggy bank in her room. She pushes the coins into Brain’s hands.''

D.W.: Okay, I need you to use science to figure out who stole this. She opens the cool box. (gasps) It's even smaller!

She takes out the plate with the snowball.

Brain: I'm sorry. Is Arthur coming back?

D.W.: What's the problem? Come on! Do some experiments! Time is money!

She fills water from the plate into a bottle.

Brain: Okay, um...but how can it be stolen if you have it?

D.W. puts the snowball back in the box and closes it.

D.W.: It's complicated.

***

D.W. opens the freezer.

D.W.: Now, could a snowball just get lost in here for six months, without getting smooshed?

Brain: Hmm, you do present an interesting conundrum. Do you have a measuring tape?

Mrs. Read is wiping a mirror when she hears banging in the kitchen.

Mrs. Read: D.W., what are you doing in there?

D.W.: Just straightening up, Mom!

She finds a tape and throws it to Brain.

***

Brain sits at the kitchen table surrounded by written calculations.

Brain: So if you multiply x by the width of the freezer squared, facturing in the algorithm of the average weight of a weekly allotment of frozen meats, ice-cream and TV dinners and then you will…

D.W.: Will it get smooshed?

Brain: Yes.

D.W.: Just as I suspected. The snowball has been somewhere else. All right, Brain. Science experiment number two.

She puts some play money on the table.

***

''Brain stands in D.W.’s room holding a list. D.W. fills fresh ice cubes in the coolbox. She has also set up an electric fan.''

Brain: Okay. Here’s a list of all possible freezers within a ten block radius where the alleged thief could have stored a snowball for six months, two weeks, and four days before returning it to your own freezer.

D.W.: Wow. For a dollar sixty-five you’re a pretty good detective.

Brain: For forty cents more I’ll throw in a flowchart.

D.W.: Let's see the list. Brain unrolls a long list. Oh! What about just the freezers that Arthur could have gotten to?

Brain: Wait a minute!

He runs out.

***

Brain searches the freezer in the kitchen.

D.W.: What? What?

Brain: Yes, yes, that's it!

D.W.: What's it?

Brain holds a carton of ice-cream.

Brain: Ice-cream from my mom and dad's ice-cream parlor.

D.W.: So?

Brain: I assume this ice-cream was bought for your mom's birthday party?

D.W.: Yeah. So?

Brain: Don't you see? The snowball showed up on the same day! Obviously...

Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Hi, Brain. What are you doing here? In our freezer?

Brain: Oh… I, er…

D.W.: He’s investigating.

Arthur: Is this about that stupid snowball?

Brain: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, you’re not sick at all, are you?

Arthur: Sick? (facepalms) (gasps) You realize you’ve just been fooled by a four-year-old girl?

''Brain and Arthur leave the house. D.W. yells after them.''

D.W.: Hey wait! You were just gonna tell me where the ice-cream went! I want my money back! Arthur, you did this on purpose!!

Mrs. Read: D.W., what are you screaming about?

D.W.: Nothing. Rrr!

She looks sad.

***

''In another fantasy, D.W. sits in a lake on the melted ruins of the ice castle. The snowball comes by using a shoe as a canoe and a drinking straw as a paddle.''

D.W.: I'm sorry, Snowball. I really tried, but Arthur's just too smart for me.

Snowball: It's okay. Whether you caught him or not, it wouldn't have made any difference.

D.W.: Don't say that! (cries)

Snowball: Goodbye, D.W.!

He melts away.

''The fantasy ends. D.W. takes the empty plate out of the coolbox.''

D.W.: (sniffs) Goodbye, Snowball!

''She empties the water into a bottle. Arthur stands in the door.''

Arthur: Okay, D.W., it was me.

D.W.: (gasps)

Arthur: I did it.

D.W.: You did? Why?

Arthur: Well...you've just never stopped talking about it since it disappeared, and so when Dad sent me to get the ice-cream for Mom’s birthday party, I saw they had a new snow-cone machine!

''Flashback: Arthur gets ice-cream from Mr. Powers and sees a boy getting a snow-cone that looks like a snowball. He gets one and puts it in the freezer.''

Arthur: So I ordered one with no syrup, paid for it with my own money, and put it in the freezer with the ice-cream. I thought it would make you happy!

D.W.: Oh. So this wasn't the real snowball? But...but why did you take it in the first place?

Arthur: I told you. I never took it!

D.W.: You didn't? Well...then, who did?

Arthur: I don't know, D.W. Nobody knows. Maybe somebody threw it away by accident. Maybe it melted! Can't you forget it? You're making us all crazy!

D.W.: But how can I just forget about it? It was a crime!

Arthur: Oh, forget it! I tried.

He walks out.

D.W.: Arthur, wait! I'm sorry. I guess... I mean… I know you didn't take it. But thanks for the fake one. It was almost as good.

Arthur: Sure, D.W.

''D.W. empties the water bottle out of the window. Outside, kids are playing. Emily and Marie-Hélène walk by.''

D.W.: Hey, Emily, are you going to the pool? Emily nods. Wait for me! I wanna come, too!

''Unknown to her, an alien watches her through a telescope from his spaceship. Two young aliens sit beside him.''

Alien: Now, I hope the two of you have learned what happens when you beam down into people's kitchens and take things from them!

Alien Kid 1: Yeah, I know, Dad. "Don't steal. Blah, blah, blah."

Alien Kid 2: I didn't get even get to eat my share of that snow thing! Blimpy here caved out on like three-quarters of it!

Alien Kid 1: Uh-uh!

Alien Kid 2: Yes!

Alien: If you kids don't stop arguing, you can forget about going to the Asteroid Fair!

He starts the engine and the flying saucer flies away.