Elwood City Turns 100!/Transcript

Introduction
''In 1903, people gather to watch a statue being unveiled. Theodore Roosevelt reads from a parchement while an old man sits in a wheelchair pushed by a nurse.''

T. Roosevelt: By the authority vested in me, I, Theodore Roosevelt, the 26th President of the United States, in the year of our Lord 1903, with the direct approval of the committee on towns and cities...

J. Katzenellenbogan: Get to the good part!

T. Roosevelt:...do hereby declare the area known as Elwood an official city!

Crowd: (cheer)

J. Katzenellenbogan: It was supposed to be Elmwood. That’s what I wrote on the darn application!

T. Roosevelt: And for taking fifty acres of swamp and turning it into a thriving lumber town, your good friends J.P. Morgan and Henry Ford have donated this statue of you, our founder, Jacob Katzenellenbogan!

He unveils the statue.

J. Katzenellenbogan: Now who is that supposed to be? My name has two L’s in it. Why did you make me so fat? Tear it down! Tear it down!

''He hits the statue with his walking stick. The nurse and the President try to stop him.''

Henry Ford: Well, how do you like that, J.P.? Crazy old Jacob founded a city before we did.

J.P. Morgan: Mark my words, Henry. In one hundred years no one will know a place called Elwood City ever existed.

J. Katzenellenbogan: Skinflints!

Part 1
The camera moves from the Statue of Jacob Katzenellenbogan to Lakewood Elementary, where Mr. Ratburn addresses his class.

Mr. Ratburn: Exciting news, class. Elwood City is celebrating its centennial in three weeks, and in honor of the occasion we have been chosen out of fifteen schools to stage a musical!

Class: Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Buster: We won! We won! We... Hey, wait! Is there gonna be a big test at the end of all of this?

Mr. Ratburn: No, just a big performance.

Buster: All right! We're doing a musical. Yeah!

Mr. Ratburn: Putting on a show isn't easy, Buster. I remember when I did my one-man Hamlet with puppets in college.

Flashback: A younger Mr. Ratburn performs with a larger-than-life doll.

Mr. Ratburn: “To be or not to be, that is...” The doll’s head falls off. ...the end of the show! Good night, everyone! Curtain. Curtain!

The curtain closes.

Audience: (giggle)

Mr. Ratburn: Er.

He reaches through the curtain to retrieve the doll’s head.

''The flashback ends. Mr. Ratburn nervously fingers his tie.''

Mr. Ratburn: That performance nearly cost me my perfect GPA. A-hem. So, we're all going to have to be very focused. To save time, I've written down all the tasks involved in creating a musical and put them in this hat. You'll choose your role at random!

He holds out a hat full of paper slips.

Arthur: Come on! Something good! He picks and reads. Narrator? That doesn't sound very important.

Mr. Ratburn: On the contrary. A singing narrator will be the glue that hold this story together. It's a very big role.

Arthur: Cool!

Francine picks and reads.

Francine: Chorus actors? But I'm the best singer in the whole class! Why do I get such a small part?

Mr. Ratburn: There are no small parts, Francine, only small actors.

Brain picks and reads.

Brain: Writer. Yes! Finally, a chance to write an accurate historical musical.

Buster picks and reads.

Buster: Dr. Ector? Is he the villain? (gasps) Can I wear a claw?

Mr. Ratburn takes the paper slip.

Mr. Ratburn: That says “director”, Buster.

Buster: Oh... Oh! You mean, I get to decide how everything looks and tell everyone what to do?

Mr. Ratburn: Er... Sort of...

Buster: Woo-hoo! This is going to be the weirdest musical ever. (kisses slip)

Mr. Ratburn: You could wear a claw if you were in the chorus.

He searches for another slip.

***

During recess, Mr. Ratburn reads “Stanislavsky – An Actor Prepares” in the teacher’s lounge.

Muffy: Mr. Ratburn? I was wondering if I could help with the musical’s publicity. You know, making posters - stuff like that.

Mr. Ratburn: Hm, I could use some help in that department. All right. Thank you, Muffy.

Muffy: Great! If you could just sign this, then we're all set. It's a standard producer's contract, just in case the musical moves to Broadway or goes on tour.

Mr. Ratburn: I think it'll be good, Muffy, but I don't know if it'll be that good.

He signs.

***

''Brain reads “History of Elwood City’s Environs from the Pleistocene to the Present” in the library. Buster pushes down his book.''

Buster: One word for you, Brain: Alien invasion! Picture this: The curtain rises and a giant flying saucer lands on the stage! (makes whirring noise) Then, the aliens come out. Hundreds of them. They take over the Earth! But there is this one kid who becomes friends with them and...

Brain: There will be no aliens in my script.

Buster: Why not?

Brain: Because this is a historical musical, Buster. We have a responsibility to show events that really happened. But I did find some exciting things. Did you know that most of Elwood City used to be swampland filled with green-tailed grebes?

Buster: Grebes? What are those?

Brain: Marshland birds of the family Podicipedidae.

Buster: You're not putting that in the musical, are you?

Brain: Sure. Why not?

Buster: Because it's boring, that’s why.

Brain: No, it isn't! Anyway, at least it's not some fantasy I made.

Buster: What’s wrong with fantasy? People love fantasy.

Brain: They deserve accuracy!

Buster: Fantasy!

Behind them, a boy flees.

Brain: Accuracy!

***

In the music room, Miss Krasny plays the piano while Arthur practices scales.

Arthur: (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

The other kids look worried.

Miss Krasny: Good effort, Arthur, but the narrator has to be pitch perfect. Let's try that A again.

She plays the note.

Arthur: (sings out of tune:) Laaa…

Miss Krasny: No, a little higher, Arthur... Now lower...

Francine stands up.

Francine: Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Krasny, but can I show him? (sings in tune:) Laaa! The audience and Miss Krasny applaud. Like that, Arthur.

Arthur: Thanks a lot!

He looks peeved.

***

Arthur practices singing at home, while D.W., Vicita and the Tibbles play “Confuse the Goose” in the living room.

Arthur: (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la...

Pal: (howls)

Vicita: I haven’t heard such a horrible sound since Alberto and I gave the neighbors’ cat a bath.

D.W.: It’s like my Mary Moo Cow doll with only one battery.

Timmy: Hey, I bet I can sing worse than Arthur. Pause. No, I can’t.

''Arthur sits at the piano. The doorbell rings. Arthur opens and finds Francine with sheet music.''

Arthur: Let me guess. You’ve come to tell me that I stink and you should really be the narrator.

Francine: I'm here to try to help you, Arthur Read, but if that's the way you're gonna be…

She turns to leave.

Arthur: No, wait! I’m sorry, Francine. Come on in. I need all the help I can get.

***

''Meanwhile, Jenna’s mother sews a wing for Fern’s grebe costume. Jenna puts it on Fern. Brain checks a picture of the real bird in a book and nods. Fern puts on a bird’s head, which has stalk-eyes attached to it. Buster smiles, but Brain takes them off.''

Buster: Aww.

***

Meanwhile, Arthur practices singing at the piano while Francine sits beside him.

Arthur: (sings out of tune:) La-la-la-la-la...

Kate: (cries)

D.W. covers Kate’s ears.

Francine: (sings in tune:) A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.

***

''Brain checks on a model of the stage built by George. He gives George the thumbs-up and leaves. Buster shows George a toy robot.''

***

A worker attaches a display board to the Elwood City Community Center.

''On the Community Center stage, Mr. Ratburn gives Muffy a sign, and she pulls a lever with a ribbon around it. The display board now says “Oh Elwood! A Musical Extravaganza Coming Soon”. Around the Center, all the other lights go off. Eventually, so do the lights in the Center itself.''

***

''The school band rehearses in the auditorium. Arthur stands on stage while Brain and Mr. Ratburn watch.''

Arthur: (sings:) “And the trees were chopped down for the bustling new town by the women and men employed by Mr. Katzenellenbogan!”

Francine, Binky, and Jenna are playing lumberjacks.

Miss Krasny: That was better, Arthur. But you're still not projecting enough.

Arthur: But I'm singing at the top of my lungs!

Francine: You're singing from your throat, Arthur. But really, it should come from your diaphragm. Like this…

Arthur: Don't! You're just gonna embarrass me.

Binky: Jenna, you're not chopping on the beat. It's one… and two... and three!

He demonstrates and the seat of his pants rips.

Jenna: Oh, Binky, not again. They take forever to sew.

Binky: It’s not my fault. They're too tight.

Jenna: So why did you tell me you were a medium?

Binky: I am a medium! My chinos are mediums, my jeans are mediums...

Buster and George wheel a human-sized wooden robot on stage.

Brain: What is that?

Buster: That’s Humungotron.

Brain: I said no aliens!

Buster: He's not an alien! He’s the robot that saves Elwood City from the giant crab people! And you didn't say anything about that.

Everyone on stage is now arguing.

Mr. Ratburn: All right, Let’s settle down. Class? I said settle down!

Muffy comes with a list.

Muffy: Mr. Ratburn? Can you please look over the guest list for the opening-night party?

The names on the list are Michelle Kwan, Yo-Yo Ma, Mr. Rogers, Alex Lebeck, Marc Brown, Jeremy O’Neill, and Joshua Redman.

Mr. Ratburn: Michelle Kwan? Yo-Yo Ma? Mr. Rogers? You can't invite Mr. Rogers!

Muffy: I already did. He's so sweet.

Mr. Ratburn: But we open in one week! Do you really want Mr. Rogers to see this?

''In his imagination, the kids argue on stage during the performance, while George lets down the robot on a rope, knocking over the trees. The guest stars in the front row look shocked. Mr. Ratburn’s Hamlet doll body falls on stage, followed by its head.''

Mr. Ratburn: Curtain! Curtain!

The fantasy ends.

Mr. Ratburn: It could happen all over again!

At the rehearsal everybody argues.

Muffy: They’ll pull themselves together. They just need a little pep talk. May I?

''A student hands her a recorder. She blows a shrill note. Everybody is quiet. Muffy climbs on the stage and starts pacing up and down, holding the recorder like a baton. A military drum sounds.''

Muffy: We were chosen out of fifteen schools to put on this show. But maybe they were wrong to pick us. Maybe they should have picked Mighty Mountain or Glenbrook. After all, would they be arguing? No, they’d be working together. Something we just can’t seem to do.

The kids look embarrassed.

Brain: I did read there was an alien sighting here in 1952. Probably just a weather balloon, but...

Buster hugs him.

Buster: Thank you! (through megaphone:) All right, people, Let's take it from the top!

''The kids start working together. Mr. Ratburn looks astounded.''

Muffy: That should hold them till opening night. Then we’re going to need luck and all the candy we can get our hands on.

***

The kids leave the auditorium.

Francine: Don’t worry, Arthur. You still have a week.

Arthur: It wouldn’t make a difference if I had a year. I just can't sing. Well, I mean, I can sing... but not like you. Francine, would you like to play the narrator?

He hands her his hat.

Francine: Me?

Arthur: It'd be a much better show with you in that part. And I'd actually like to be in the chorus. You get to have plastic axes. Please, will you do it?

Francine: Are you sure this what you really want? Arthur nods. Well... Okay.

She takes the hat.

Arthur: Thanks, Francine, you're a really great friend, you know that?

He leaves.

Francine: Yes! Woo-hoo!

She throws up her hat.

***

The night of the performance, Francine sits on the Frenskys’ couch and catches her hat.

Francine: Dad, Come on! We're already late!

Her dad is on the phone.

Mr. Frensky: I’ll be right there. I'm just getting directions to George's house.

Francine checks her watch.

***

''The display board on the Community Center now says “Opens Tonight”. Bitzi Baxter and Harry Mills are just arriving.''

''Inside the Center, the band tunes up. A photographer takes a picture of the front row, where Yo-Yo Ma shakes hands with Mr. Rogers.''

Backstage, Mr. Ratburn looks through the curtain while Jenna fixes the rip in Binky’s pants.

Mr. Ratburn: (nervously:) Why are all those photographers out there?

Muffy: Oh. They're for Art Garfunkel.

Mr. Ratburn: Art Garfunkel is coming?

Muffy: No, he's already here. She waves at Garfunkel, who is sitting between Mr. Rogers and Michelle Kwan. (rapturous sigh)

Buster is wearing glasses and a beret as he talks to Fern.

Buster: I want emotion out there! Remember, you're not just playing a grebe, you are a grebe.

Fern runs off flapping her wings.

Fern: Grebe, Grebe!

Buster: (through megaphone:) Where's my flying saucer?

Muffy: Don’t worry. Mr. Frensky's bringing it in his garbage truck. It was too heavy for the top of George’s car.

***

''Meanwhile, Mr. Lundgren attaches the saucer to the back of the garbage truck. Mr. Frensky drives off.''

Francine: Can't you go any faster, dad?

Mr. Frensky: Francine, I'm driving the speed limit.

Francine: But we're already fifteen minutes behind schedule, and… Duck!

Mr. Frensky: What?

''A (nonanthropomorphic) duck walks into the road. Mr. Frensky brakes sharply and Francine’s hand accidentally hits the crusher button. The duck flies off.''

Mr. Frensky: You okay?

A crushing sound is heard.

Francine: What's that sound?

'''Francine+Mr. Frensky:''' The flying saucer.

''Mr. Frensky pulls a lever at the back of the car. The crusher opens, revealing a badly crushed saucer.''

Francine: Buster's gonna kill me!

Mr. Frensky: Hey, it's just a prop, sport. Come on. We'll help him think of something. Let's just get there.

Francine: Oh, could this night get any worse? ''Mr. Frensky starts the engine. It dies immediately.'' (gasps)

Mr. Frensky: Er...Frankie We have a problem!

Interstitial: A Word From Larry King
Kids: And now a word from Larry King.

A live action Larry King is shown in the Larry King Live studio.

Larry King: We’ve got some very special guests in the studio today: a few of the kids from Lakewood Elementary School in Elwood City. They’re putting on a musical celebrating the city’s one hundredth anniversary. They are Arthur Read, Buster Baxter, Muffy Crosswire, and of course, the Brain. Welcome to you all.

''The kids sit in the studio. They are cartoons, everything else is live action.''

Muffy: Thanks for having us on the show, Larry.

Larry King: So, tell me about the musical. Who thought it up?

Brain: Well, I wrote it…

Buster: …but, er, we all came up with the ideas together.

Larry King: Is it easy working together? You like it?

Arthur: Oh yeah.

Buster: We love it.

Muffy: Great.

Brain: We listen to each other.

Buster: Except, they wouldn’t let me have my robot.

Larry King: Your robot?

Buster: Ah, it was gonna be so cool. The aliens were going to invade, and then this robot was going to come out in the second act and…

Brain: It wouldn’t make any sense! It was the craziest idea you’ve ever had.

Arthur: Guys? This is live TV, remember?

Muffy: You know, Larry, I don’t know what your agreement with the network is, but I’ve recently started my own production company and we could really use someone of your caliber.

Larry King: I appreciate the thought, Muffy, but…

Muffy: I’ll throw in a used car.

Larry King: I’m afraid we’re out of time. Thanks for being on the show, and good luck with your musical.

Arthur: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Hi, D.W. Hi… Aah! He sees D.W. waving from the wings. D.W., what are you doing here?

D.W.: You have to get back to the musical. It’s about to start. Oh yeah, and Francine is still missing. She’s the narrator.

Larry King: D.W., what does that stand for?

D.W.: I don’t like to talk about it. Are you really a king? Where’s your castle? Are there unicorns in… mm-mm-mm…

Arthur holds her mouth shut.

Larry King: Thanks for tuning in, folks. And now, back to Arthur.

Stunts

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