Background Blues/Transcript

Introduction
''A futuristic version of Arthur is working on what looks like a tablet computer, which creates a hologram of a tower in front of him. A robot dog jumps into his lap.''

R4: Hi, Hal. How's it going, boy? A futuristic D.W. floats into the room.

3W: (giggles)  Look out, R4! ''She knocks him over. The hologram disappears.''

R4: 3W!!

A futuristic Mrs. Read is talking to a futuristic Bitzi Baxter on a video phone in the kitchen.

Mother: And I got the kids’ mittens on sale for only three million dollars!

R4: Mom, 3W deleted my hologram!

Mother: Why don't you do your homework instead of fighting with 3W?

''R4 sits at a computer in his room. He presses the “homework” key.''

Computer: Homework done. 3W comes in.

3W: R4, will you play virtual flingy with me? Please, please, please, pleease?

R4: All right, quit gleebing!

''R4 and 3W stand in the living room wearing virtual goggles. They pretend to throw something.''

R4: Hng.

3W: Stop throwing it so hard. You're hurting me!

R4: No, I'm not! It's all in your imagination. The mother comes in.

Mother: All right, you two. I want you to sit on the barkazoid and watch a datagram.

The kids sit down. ''The mother gets a data carrier from a shelf with a picture of the present-day Arthur and the label “53B”. She puts it into a machine. ''

R4: What is it?

Mother: It belonged to your great-grandfather. They used to call them videos. You can see what life was like in ancient times.

The machine creates a projection of the “Family Photo” title card with the title “Background Blues”.

Cut to the actual title card.

Title Card: Family Photo
Mr. Ratburn points to a family tree on the blackboard.

Mr. Ratburn: For next week, I’d like you to research your family history and present it to the class. I found out some very interesting things about the Ratburns. As we can see, the Ratburn line can be traced far back into history.

The kids have a fantasy of Mr. Ratburn standing on a snowy plain dressed like Napoleon.

Napoleon Ratburn: Travaillez plus! Travaillez plus! [Subtitle: Work Harder! Work Harder!]   The kids in French uniforms are setting up a cannon.

Arthur: What?

Another fantasy shows Mr. Ratburn sitting on a throne wearing a toga and a laurel wreath while the kids are creating a marble statue of him.

Ratburn Cesar: Laborate plus diligente! [Subtitle: Work Harder!]

''In ancient Egypt the kids are pulling a huge stone block. Mr. Ratburn is dressed like a pharaoh. He creates a speech bubble with Egyptian hieroglyphs. ''[Subtitle: Work Harder!]

The fantasies end.

Mr. Ratburn: And so I’ve learned that the Ratburns wouldn’t be where they are today without a lot of hard work. Let’s see what you find out.

#

The kids are painting in art class.

Muffy: I can't wait to get started. I bet that I'll find lots of kings, queens and princesses in the Crosswire family.

Francine: Yeah, I’m sure I'll find some really famous Frenskys. Maybe one was a really important explorer''. She has a fantasy of an older version of herself riding in a canoe.''   What if my great-grandmother discovered the land route to the Pacific Ocean?

Muffy: Sorry, Francine, but I think Lewis and Clark did that.

Francine: Oh, well. Maybe she helped them. In her fantasy Lewis and Clark replace her in the canoe.

Clark: (pants) have to stop, Lewis. I can barely move my arms.

Lewis: You said it, Clark. I'm bushed. A (nonanthropomorphic) bear stands on the bank.

Clark: A bear! We're done for!

Lewis: You're right, Clark! This is the end! An older version of Francine in a dress and apron appears beside the bear.

Ma Frensky: Keep your shirts on, boys!

Lewis+Clark: It's Ma Frensky! Ma Frensky and the bear wrestle on the ground.

Ma Frensky: (Take that! Take that!)

Lewis+Clark: (Go, Ma Frensky! Get him! Come on!)     ''Ma Frensky pins the bear to the ground. It stops struggling.''

Ma Frensky: One, two, three, four, five… six, seven, eight, nine, ten! I win! ''She and the bear get up and shake hands. Then the bear leaves. ''Now I want you boys to follow this route till you hit the Pacific Ocean.

Lewis: Great idea!

Clark: Why didn't we think of that?

Ma Frensky: And stay out of trouble, you hear?!

The fantasy ends.

Muffy: bet my ancestor gave your ancestor a medal for being so brave. He was probably the president at the time.

Francine: Oh yeah? Well, I bet my relatives were the presidents before and after him.

Arthur: You guys, it's not a contest.

Buster: Yeah, I'm sure we're all related to some really interesting people

#

Buster has dinner with his mother.

Buster: Grandpa was a tollbooth operator? Wow! And what did his father do?

Mrs. Baxter: (sighs) I don't know what my grandfather did. I never asked him. Now I really wish I had.

Buster: I'll check in the library. I bet I can find some stuff about him there

#

''On a microform reader in the library Arthur looks at a black and white image of a man in a cheese shop. Buster sits beside him.''

Arthur: Cool! My great-uncle owned a cheese shop. That makes three uncles I found so far.

Buster: Gee. I'd settle for a second cousin. I haven't found anything about my ancestors. Muffy approaches.

Muffy: Hi, guys. Do you know where the Crosswire section is?

Arthur: Huh?

Buster: Huh?

Muffy: Oh, never mind, I'll just ask Miss Turner.

Miss Turner checks her computer.

Miss Turner: No, I'm sorry. We don't seem to have any books on the Crosswires.

Muffy: But this is a library. You’re supposed to have books on important people. Francine comes with a paper.

Francine: Hey, Muffy. Guess what I just found out. My grandfather owned a castle.

Muffy: Really?

Francine: Yep. There's an article on it in this paper. What d'you find out?

Muffy: Oh, the Crosswires are too important to be in this public library. We have our own private archives.

#

''At the Crosswire mansion. Muffy is holding a shoebox while her mother is knitting on the couch and her father is reading a newspaper.''

Muffy: This is it? But where are the books about us, and what about the family jewels?

Mrs. Crosswire: Oh, there’s nothing like that. We're just plain folks, honey.

Muffy: Mother, how can you say such a thing?

Mr. Crosswire: You should visit your great-aunt, Olga Crump. She'll know some interesting things about the family.

#

''Francine, Arthur and Buster stand in front of the ice-cream shop. Buster is holding a battered lunchbox. ''

Buster: It's my grandfather's lunchbox. My mom found it last night.

Arthur: At least now you have a visual aid.

Buster: Yeah, for the world's shortest report! I can't even open it. It's stuck.

The Crosswire limousine stops beside them.

Muffy: Hi, guys! How's the report going, Francine?

Francine: Great! I just learned that my grandfather's grandfather was an adviser to President Lincoln.

Muffy: Oh… Well, I'm off to visit my great-aunt. She's a princess. Bye! The limousine drives on.    It wasn't really a lie. She could be a princess. Wait a minute! She's too old to be a princess. She'd have to be a queen! And if she’s a queen then maybe I’m… a princess!

''In her imagination she runs up to an old lady with a crown sitting in front of a castle that vaguely resembles Saint Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. She bends her knee.''

Muffy: I'm sorry I'm late, Your Highness. The limo had a flat.

Queen Olga: Is that you, Anastasia?

Muffy: No. It's Muffy!

Queen Olga: Ah, well, you'll do. Crown her! ''The queen’s two guard put a crown on Muffy’s head. The Muffy and the queen walk up the stairs to the castle.''

Muffy: So I'm actually the long-lost princess of Translatvia? Cool!

''The limousine stops in front of Olga Crump’s house. Bailey opens the door.''

Muffy: Oh no! Are you sure this is the right address? In front of her is a ramshackle house with garden gnomes and plastic flamingos in the yard.

#

Muffy I sitting in Olga Crump’s living room.

Olga Crump: The Crosswires used to sell used horses, and after that it was used carts. And now it's used cars! (chuckles)''    She holds up a garden gnome. ''   Er, this is Juniper. I thought you might want him for your report.

Muffy: Thanks. Francine probably has something from Abraham Lincoln!

#

Francine is sitting in Granpa Frensky’s kitchen holding a black-and-white photograph of a barber.

Grandpa Frensky: And Vingal Frensky advised Abe Lincoln to trim his beard, and guess what, he did! Want the photo to show your class?

Francine: Oh, that's all right, Grandpa. I'll, um, describe it to them.

Grandpa Frensky: How about this one? It's of the Hamburger Castle I used to own. It shows a young man standing in front of a building that looks like a castle.

Francine: Hm... okay.

Grandpa Frensky: I have more stuff in the garage. I think there's a box up there with some of Lincoln's beard. ''He goes out. Francine covers the bottom half of the photograph with her hand.''

Francine: There. Now it looks like the type of castle Muffy's family might have. I'll say the bottom was cut off.

#

Muffy, Buster, Francine and Arthur are sitting in the Sugar Bowl.

Muffy: And then the Crosswires owned all of England and France, too! But they sold that to the Germans.

Francine: Get this. I have a picture of my grandpa standing outside his own castle.

Muffy: We owned a hundred castles!

Francine: A Frensky advised Lincoln!

Muffy: So? Lincoln was my second cousin!

Buster: I think my ancestors were all taken away on a spaceship. That’s why I can’t find any.

Muffy: Oh please, Buster. That makes everything I've said sound believable!

Francine: I knew it!

Muffy: Ohh, it's no use! None of my relatives were rich or famous. The Crosswires were just… plain folks. Francine touches her hand.

Francine: That’s okay, Muffy. I bet they're still pretty interesting.

Muffy: Easy for you to say. Your relatives actually did exciting things, like own castles and advise presidents. I mean, they really did do those things, right?

Francine: Oh, yeah. Definitely. My ancestors were all really important people.

#

Francine sits on her bed and is about to cut the hamburger castle photograph when her grandfather looks in.

Grandpa Frensky: Hiya, Frankie. I found some more photos for you. There are some terrific pictures of the inside of the Hamburger Castle. He comes in with a photo album and puts it on a table.

Francine: Uh... thanks, Grandpa.

Grandpa Frensky: My pleasure, Frankie. I'm sure it's going to be a great report. Make the Frenskys proud. Goodnight.

Francine: Goodnight, Grandpa. ''He walks out. Francine takes out the scissors.''      Oh. Grandpa would be really hurt if he knew I was trying to make the Frenskys seem more exciting. Maybe I should just tell the truth.

In her imagination she is presenting the photo album to the class.

Francine: Here's my grandfather making a hamburger. Here he is mopping. This is a picture of a salt shaker. All students are asleep except Muffy.

Class: (snore)

Muffy: (laughs) And I thought my relatives were boring!

''The fantasy ends. Francine cuts the photo in half.''

#

Mr. Frensky opens the door to Grandpa Frensky holding a potted plant.

Grandpa Frensky: Hiya, son. I just stopped by to give you this palmetto and wish Francine good luck with her report.

Mr. Frensky: She just left, Dad.

Grandpa Frensky: Oh. She left the photo album behind. She's gonna need that.

#

''In class Muffy has hired Wolf Blitzen (an actual wolf based on Wolf Blitzer) to give her report. He shows slides.''

Wolf Blitzen: And so, from covered wagons to Cadillacs, the Crosswires have kept the transport industry alive and thriving in the United States for over a hundred years. And that's the way it was. This has been Wolf Blitzen. Thank you and good day. ''The children clap. He leaves the room.''

Mr. Ratburn: That was very impressive, Muffy. Francine, you’re next.

Francine goes to the front carrying a bag and moves the screen to the side.

Francine: A lot of my relatives were really important. But the most important one was Vingal Frensky. He was an advisor to Abraham Lincoln. I will now give you a dramatic recreation of one of their really important conversations. ''She puts on a black top hat and fake beard. Her Grandpa comes in.''

Grandpa Frensky: Francine!

Francine: Hh! She looks frightened.

Grandpa Frensky: Sorry to interrupt, folks. Here, Frankie. You left this at home and I thought you might need it. He puts the photo album on the teacher’s desk.

Mr. Ratburn: Would you like to stay for the report, Mr. Frensky? Francine was just about to start.

Grandpa Frensky: Like to? I'd love to! ''He takes a seat. Francine looks undecided.''

Francine: Er…  er… This is a picture of my grandfather's castle. I mean, Hamburger Castle.

Buster: A Hamburger Castle! Cool! Which one?

Francine: The one right outside Elwood City.

Arthur: Hey, I've eaten there!

Brain: Hey, I love those burgers!

Francine: And Vingal Frensky did advise Abe Lincoln once, but it was just to trim his beard. He was a barber. I’ve actually got a box here with some bits of his beard. ''She searches her bag. Several children come to the front.''

Class: (Wow!    I want to see it!     Lincoln’s hairs!)

Mr. Ratburn: Fascinating. Grandpa Frensky and Francine give each other a thumbs up.

#

After the report in class.

Muffy: That was a great report, Francine. You’re sure your relatives didn’t own a real castle.

Francine: Yeah.

Muffy: You're such a good friend!

Buster comes to the front with his grandfather’s lunchbox.

Buster: I thought all I’d have to show you would be my grandfather’s lunchbox and my report would be boring. But then I found this sandwich inside. He takes it out.   It's from 1955! He takes a bite.   Mmm! Baloney!

Class: Eugh!

#

Back in the future.

3W: Is that really what life was like a hundred years ago?

R4: I guess so.

3W: I liked it. But it didn't make a lot of sense. I mean, what's a hamburger?

R4: Beats me!

The episode ends with a man walking a hovering robot dog outside.