No Acting, Please/Transcript

Buster: And...action.

Arthur: Hi, today's show is...um, I forgot my first line.

Buster: Cut! Acting, today's show is all about acting. See?

Arthur: I got it. You don't have to shout, "Cut!" We're the only ones here.

Buster: I like shouting, "Cut!" It makes me feel professional.

Arthur: Today's show is all about acting. Today's SHOW is ALL about...

Buster: Arthur and Buster's homemade show opening, take two. And...action.

Arthur: Hi, today's show is all about...

D.W.: You and Buster have to move. Nadine and I are building a pillow fort in here.

Arthur: No way! Use the den.

D.W. Read: I can't, those pillows aren't right. Anyway, I wouldn't be building a fort if you played with me once in a while, but you never do. [SHE SOBS] You hate me.

Arthur: What? D.W., that's ridic... CUT! Cut. We'll move into the den, all right?

[SHE SOBS]

Nadine: You were wonderful.

D.W.: Now that's acting.



<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Fern! The sparkling butterfly barrette or the sparkling bow?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Um, I dunno. They look the same to me.

<p class="MsoNormal">Francine: It's an acting audition. They won't pay attention to your hair.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: It's for William Filmour Toffman, THE William Filmour Toffman. I have to look my best.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Who's William Filmour Toffman?

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: True East, Jimmy Hopped The C Train. He's only the most famous theatre director in Crown City. He directed his first play in Elwood City. It Began With The Whistle. He's back for a revival of the play's 20th anniversary.

<p class="MsoNormal">Francine: We're trying out for Little Lucie, the only kid in the play. Wanna come?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Me? Audition? I can't act.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: So. Come for moral support. Besides, you might see a star be born.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">William Filmour Toffman: Bravo, bravo. Gritty, but with a hint of ennui.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Nice work, Francine. You'd make a great understudy.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: - Next!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - Good luck.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: [SHE GASPS]   What did you say?

<p class="MsoNormal">Francine: It's bad luck to say, "Good luck" to an actor. You say break a leg, or something in French.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Oh. Bonjour.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Next, please.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: But, Grandma, can't you he-e-ear the whistle blowing?

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Thank you, Miss Crossmyer.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Actually, it's Crosswire. Thank you, Mr Toffman, I'm a huge fan.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: What's this?

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: My headshots, some postcards, a DVD of my most dramatic work, oh, and chocolates.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Ah, we have one more.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Oh, I'm not auditioning.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: What a pity. You look perfect for the role. Thin, round shouldered, a certain hunger in the eyes.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Actually I just had a frozen yoghurt.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Ha ha ha, and a wit, to boot. What did you say your name was?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - Fern.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: - Fern. Beautiful name. Well, Fern, are you sure you don't want to climb the boards and give it a shot?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Well...OK.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Good...luck!

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: [SHE GASPS]   Finally, the cast list. You can't be serious?

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I'm Little Lucie? But I didn't even act the line. Maybe it's a mistake.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Nope. Daddy's in the play too, he spoke to, he spoke to William Filmour Toffman. Apparently you were just right for the part.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: But all I've ever played at school is a tree in the Arbour Day Extravaganza. I'm gonna say no.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: You can't say no, this could launch your acting career.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I don't want an acting career.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: I worked for hours having Bailey put together those headshots and you want to walk away?

<p class="MsoNormal">Francine: Fern, there's gonna be great costumes, a cool set, it could be really fun.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Welcome to the magnificent world of It Began With A Whistle. A tragic tale of love and loss. Redemption and more loss. Behold... a model of our set. It shall be your home for the next three weeks.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Evocative!

<p class="MsoNormal">Ed Crosswire: Stunning!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Depressing.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Exactly. This play takes place during the Depression, so the set must therefore be...depressing.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Um, Mr Toffman, I think I might be missing some pages. I've only found one line for Little Lucie.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: And what a line it is. In fact, I feel the whole play revolves around that line, Fern.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Oh, cool.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: "Then in the dust storm of 22, we left Amarillo, taking just what we could carry on our backs."

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: "Even the kettle don't work in this house."

<p class="MsoNormal">Ed: "I am Big Daddy Booth."

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: "Because it would be the last I'd see of Oklahoma..."

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: "It's got a broken heart, it don't whistle no more.   Cos it forgot how. Like we forgot how."

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: "But, Grandma, can't you hear the whistle blowing?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: This is why I am in the theatre. To hear the music of words the way you just read them. And Fern, I love the way you made Lucie seem as if she were awaking from a deep psychological sleep. Genius!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Wow, maybe I am a natural.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: And the award for best dramatic performance of a single line goes to... [HE GASPS] My protégée...Fern!

<p class="MsoNormal">[APPLAUSE]

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I wasn't expecting this, I mean, I know I've had rave reviews from every newspaper in the world and my fan mail needs its own dressing room, but still, it's such a shock. Thank you. Thank you so much. - Thank you...

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: - Fern!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - Huh?

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Will you quit thanking the ketchup and pass it, please? Daddy told me Will said you were a genius. I'm just curious, what method do you use?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Method?

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Yeah, you know, how do you prepare?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I don't, I just say the line.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: You're going to be performing in front of hundreds of people. You have to do more than that. Here... Some material I thought might help you. Books on technique, warm-up exercises, stuff like that.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: It's funny they call you the stranger, cos you seem familiar.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Red leather, yellow leather, red leather...

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Folks always say I seem strange, but familiar. Strange that.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Stop, stop, stop, stop. Grandma, nice work. Nigel, I need you to be stranger. You seem...not strange enough.

<p class="MsoNormal">Nigel Ratburn: Yes, right, of course.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: - And, Fern...

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - Yes.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Do you know what acting is, Fern? Acting is reacting. And you can't react unless you...

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Prepare. And learn your lines really, really well.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: You can't react unless you listen. Little Lucie is a listener. Take it from the top of the scene.

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: It's got a broken heart. Like all of us. - It don't whistle no more cos...

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - But Grandma, can't you hear the whistle?

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Ladies and gentlemen, take five. Fern, let's you and I take a stroll. When I think of Little Lucie, I think of this tree.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I can do that. I've played trees before.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: "Do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus." Shakespeare. Hamlet's instructions to the players. Fern, I don't want you to BE a tree. I want you to be LIKE this tree.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: It doesn't move much.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Yes, but you can't help but notice it.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Ed Crosswire: I am Big Daddy Booth. I am Big Daddy Booth.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: But Grandma, can't you hear the whistle blowing? But Grandma...

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Places everyone. Places.

<p class="MsoNormal">D.W.: Why is he saying, "Places"?

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: It means the show is about to start and YOU have to go back to your seat.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Thora Read: Even the kettle don't work in this house. It's got a broken heart. It don't whistle no more cos... - c-c-cos...

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: - Cos it forgot how. Like we forgot how. Grandma, can't you hear the thistle blowing? I hear thistle blowing out there on the dusty plains,   but I also hear a whistle blowing. Don't you, Grandma?

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: Fern!

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Hey. I guess I wasn't such a genius, after all.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: What are you talking about?

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I only had one line and I messed it up.

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: That wasn't in the script? I thought they just expanded your role.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: You're not just saying that?

<p class="MsoNormal">Muffy: William Filmour Toffman was right, you're perfect for that part. I could never play someone so dreary. Nice work.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: Brava, Fern. Have some sparkling cider.

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: I'm really sorry I flubbed the line. I promise it won't happen again.

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: You improvised. The dusty plains bit, genius. And most importantly, you were really listening. I was thinking, for tomorrow's show, we might restage the last scene. Perhaps have you sit on the floor with a rag doll...

<p class="MsoNormal">Fern: Hey, could we give Little Lucie another line or two?

<p class="MsoNormal">Toffman: I'm not the playwright, Fern. I'm just the director.