Background Blues/Transcript

Introduction
''A futuristic version of Arthur is working on what looks like a tablet computer, which creates a hologram of a tower in front of him. A robot dog jumps into his lap.''

R4: Hi, Hal. How's it going, boy? A futuristic D.W. floats into the room.

3W: (giggles)  Look out, R4! ''She knocks him over. The hologram disappears.''

R4: 3W!

A futuristic Mrs. Read is talking to a futuristic Bitzi Baxter on a video phone in the kitchen.

Mother: And I got the kids’ mittens on sale for only three million dollars!

R4: Mom, 3W deleted my hologram!

Mother: Why don't you do your homework instead of fighting with 3W?

''R4 sits at a computer in his room. He presses the “homework” key.''

Computer: Homework done. 3W comes in.

3W: R4, will you play virtual flingy with me? Please, please, please, pleease?

R4: All right, quit gleebing!

''R4 and 3W stand in the living room wearing virtual goggles. They pretend to throw something.''

R4: Ing.

3W: Stop throwing it so hard. You're hurting me!

R4: No, I'm not! It's all in your imagination. The mother comes in.

Mother: All right, you two. I want you to sit on the barkazoid and watch a datagram.

The kids sit down. ''The mother gets a data carrier from a shelf with a picture of the present-day Arthur and the label “53B”. She puts it into a machine. ''

R4: What is it?

Mother: It belonged to your great-grandfather. They used to call them videos. You can see what life was like in ancient times.

The machine creates a projection of the “Family Photo” title card with the title “Background Blues”.

Cut to the actual title card.

Title Card: Family Fighting
Mr. Ratburn points to a family tree on the blackboard.

Mr. Ratburn: For next week, I’d like you to research your family history and present it to the class. I found out some very interesting things about the Ratburns. As we can see, the Ratburn line can be traced far back into history.

The kids have a fantasy of Mr. Ratburn standing on a snowy plain dressed like Napoleon.

Napoleon Ratburn: Travaillez plus! Travaillez plus! [Subtitle: Work Harder! Work Harder!]   The kids in French uniforms are setting up a cannon.

Arthur: What?

Another fantasy shows Mr. Ratburn sitting on a throne wearing a toga and a laurel wreath while the kids are creating a marble statue of him.

Ratburn Cesar: Laborate plus diligente! [Subtitle: Work Harder!]

''In ancient Egypt the kids are pulling a huge stone block. Mr. Ratburn is dressed like a pharaoh. He creates a speech bubble with Egyptian hieroglyphs. ''[Subtitle: Work Harder!]

The fantasies end.

Mr. Ratburn: And so I’ve learned that the Ratburns wouldn’t be where they are today without a lot of hard work. Let’s see what you find out.

The kids are painting in art class.

Muffy: I can't wait to get started. I bet that I'll find lots of kings, queens and princesses in the Crosswire family.

Francine: Yeah, I’m sure I'll find some really famous Frenskys. Maybe one was a really important explorer''. She has a fantasy of an older version of herself riding in a canoe.''   What if my great-grandmother discovered the land route to the Pacific Ocean?

Muffy: Sorry, Francine, but I think Lewis and Clark did that.

Francine: Oh, well. Maybe she helped them. In her fantasy Lewis and Clark replace her in the canoe.

Clark: (pants) have to stop, Lewis. I can barely move my arms.

Lewis: You said it, Clark. I'm bushed. A (nonanthropomorphic) bear stands on the bank.

Clark: A bear! We're done for!

Lewis: You're right, Clark! This is the end! An older version of Francine in a dress and apron appears beside the bear.

Ma Frensky: Keep your shirts on, boys!

Lewis+Clark: It's Ma Frensky! Ma Frensky and the bear wrestle on the ground.

Ma Frensky: (Take that! Take that!)

Lewis+Clark: (Go, Ma Frensky! Get him! Come on!)     ''Ma Frensky pins the bear to the ground. It stops struggling.''

Ma Frensky: One, two, three, four, five… six, seven, eight, nine, ten! I win! ''She and the bear get up and shake hands. Then the bear leaves. ''Now I want you boys to follow this route till you hit the Pacific Ocean.

Lewis: Great idea!

Clark: Why didn't we think of that?

Ma Frensky: And stay out of trouble, you hear?!

The fantasy ends.

Muffy: bet my ancestor gave your ancestor a medal for being so brave. He was probably the president at the time.

Francine: Oh yeah? Well, I bet my relatives were the presidents before and after him.

Arthur: You guys, it's not a contest.

Buster: Yeah, I'm sure we're all related to some really interesting people.

Buster has dinner with his mother.

Buster: Grandpa was a tollbooth operator? Wow! And what did his father do?

Mrs. Baxter: (sighs) I don't know what my grandfather did. I never asked him. Now I really wish I had.

Buster: I'll check in the library. I bet I can find some stuff about him there.

''On a microform reader in the library Arthur looks at a black and white image of a man in a cheese shop. Buster sits beside him.''

Arthur: Cool! My great-uncle owned a cheese shop. That makes three uncles I found so far.

Buster: Gee. I'd settle for a second cousin. I haven't found anything about my ancestors. Muffy approaches.

Muffy: Hi, guys. Do you know where the Crosswire section is?

Arthur: Huh?

Buster: Huh?

Muffy: Oh, never mind, I'll just ask Miss Turner.

Miss Turner checks her computer.

Miss Turner: No, I'm sorry. We don't seem to have any books on the Crosswires.

Muffy: But this is a library. You’re supposed to have books on important people. Francine comes with a paper.

Francine: Hey, Muffy. Guess what I just found out. My grandfather owned a castle.

Muffy: Really?

Francine: Yep. There's an article on it in this paper. What d'you find out?

Muffy: Oh, the Crosswires are too important to be in this public library. We have our own private archives.

''At the Crosswire mansion. Muffy is holding a shoebox while her mother is knitting on the couch and her father is reading a newspaper.''

Muffy: This is it? But where are the books about us, and what about the family jewels?

Mrs. Crosswire: Oh, there’s nothing like that. We're just plain folks, honey.

Muffy: Mother, how can you say such a thing?

Mr. Crosswire: You should visit your great-aunt, Olga Crump. She'll know some interesting things about the family.

''Francine, Arthur and Buster stand in front of the ice-cream shop. Buster is holding a battered lunchbox. ''

Buster: It's my grandfather's lunchbox. My mom found it last night.

Arthur: At least now you have a visual aid.

Buster: Yeah, for the world's shortest report! I can't even open it. It's stuck.

The Crosswire limousine stops beside them.

Muffy: Hi, guys! How's the report going, Francine?

Francine: Great! I just learned that my grandfather's grandfather was an adviser to President Lincoln.

Muffy: Oh… Well, I'm off to visit my great-aunt. She's a princess. Bye! The limousine drives on.    It wasn't really a lie. She could be a princess. Wait a minute! She's too old to be a princess. She'd have to be a queen! And if she’s a queen then maybe I’m… a princess!

''In her imagination she runs up to an old lady with a crown sitting in front of a castle that vaguely resembles Saint Basil’s cathedral in Moscow. She bends her knee.''

Muffy: I'm sorry I'm late, Your Highness. The limo had a flat.

Queen Olga: Is that you, Anastasia?

Muffy: No. It's Muffy!

Queen Olga: Ah, well, you'll do. Crown her! ''The queen’s two guard put a crown on Muffy’s head. The Muffy and the queen walk up the stairs to the castle.''

Muffy: So I'm actually the long-lost princess of Translatvia? Cool!

''The limousine stops in front of Olga Crump’s house. Bailey opens the door.''

Muffy: Oh no! Are you sure this is the right address? In front of her is a ramshackle house with garden gnomes and plastic flamingos in the yard.

Muffys is sitting in Olga Crump’s living room.

Olga Crump: The Crosswires used to sell used horses, and after that it was used carts. And now it's used cars! (chuckles)''    She holds up a garden gnome. ''   Er, this is Juniper. I thought you might want him for your report.

Muffy: Thanks. Francine probably has something from Abraham Lincoln!

Francine is sitting in Granpa Frensky’s kitchen holding a black-and-white photograph of a barber.

Grandpa Frensky: And Vingal Frensky advised Abe Lincoln to trim his beard, and guess what, he did! Want the photo to show your class?

Francine: Oh, that's all right, Grandpa. I'll, um, describe it to them.

Grandpa Frensky: How about this one? It's of the Hamburger Castle I used to own. It shows a young man standing in front of a building that looks like a castle.

Francine: Hm... okay.

Grandpa Frensky: I have more stuff in the garage. I think there's a box up there with some of Lincoln's beard. ''He goes out. Francine covers the bottom half of the photograph with her hand.''

Francine: There. Now it looks like the type of castle Muffy's family might have. I'll say the bottom was cut off.

Muffy, Buster, Francine and Arthur are sitting in the Sugar Bowl.

Muffy: And then the Crosswires owned all of England and France, too! But they sold that to the Germans.

Francine: Get this. I have a picture of my grandpa standing outside his own castle.

Muffy: We owned a hundred castles!

Francine: A Frensky advised Lincoln!

Muffy: So? Lincoln was my second cousin!

Buster: I think my ancestors were all taken away on a spaceship. That’s why I can’t find any.

Muffy: Oh please, Buster. That makes everything I've said sound believable!

Francine: I knew it!

Muffy: Ohh, it's no use! None of my relatives were rich or famous. The Crosswires were just… plain folks. Francine touches her hand.

Francine: That’s okay, Muffy. I bet they're still pretty interesting.

Muffy: Easy for you to say. Your relatives actually did exciting things, like own castles and advise presidents. I mean, they really did do those things, right?

Francine: Oh, yeah. Definitely. My ancestors were all really important people.

Francine sits on her bed and is about to cut the hamburger castle photograph when her grandfather looks in.

Grandpa Frensky: Hiya, Frankie. I found some more photos for you. There are some terrific pictures of the inside of the Hamburger Castle. He comes in with a photo album and puts it on a table.

Francine: Uh... thanks, Grandpa.

Grandpa Frensky: My pleasure, Frankie. I'm sure it's going to be a great report. Make the Frenskys proud. Goodnight.

Francine: Goodnight, Grandpa. ''He walks out. Francine takes out the scissors.''      Oh. Grandpa would be really hurt if he knew I was trying to make the Frenskys seem more exciting. Maybe I should just tell the truth.

In her imagination she is presenting the photo album to the class.

Francine: Here's my grandfather making a hamburger. Here he is mopping. This is a picture of a salt shaker. All students are asleep except Muffy.

Class: (snore)

Muffy: (laughs) And I thought my relatives were boring!

''The fantasy ends. Francine cuts the photo in half.''

Mr. Frensky opens the door to Grandpa Frensky holding a potted plant.

Grandpa Frensky: Hiya, son. I just stopped by to give you this palmetto and wish Francine good luck with her report.

Mr. Frensky: She just left, Dad.

Grandpa Frensky: Oh. She left the photo album behind. She's gonna need that.

''In class Muffy has hired Wolf Blitzen (an actual wolf based on Wolf Blitzer) to give her report. He shows slides.''

Wolf Blitzen: And so, from covered wagons to Cadillacs, the Crosswires have kept the transport industry alive and thriving in the United States for over a hundred years. And that's the way it was. This has been Wolf Blitzen. Thank you and good day. ''The children clap. He leaves the room.''

Mr. Ratburn: That was very impressive, Muffy. Francine, you’re next.

Francine goes to the front carrying a bag and moves the screen to the side.

Francine: A lot of my relatives were really important. But the most important one was Vingal Frensky. He was an advisor to Abraham Lincoln. I will now give you a dramatic recreation of one of their really important conversations. ''She puts on a black top hat and fake beard. Her Grandpa comes in.''

Grandpa Frensky: Francine!

Francine: Hh! She looks frightened.

Grandpa Frensky: Sorry to interrupt, folks. Here, Frankie. You left this at home and I thought you might need it. He puts the photo album on the teacher’s desk.

Mr. Ratburn: Would you like to stay for the report, Mr. Frensky? Francine was just about to start.

Grandpa Frensky: Like to? I'd love to! ''He takes a seat. Francine looks undecided.''

Francine: Er…  er… This is a picture of my grandfather's castle. I mean, Hamburger Castle.

Buster: A Hamburger Castle! Cool! Which one?

Francine: The one right outside Elwood City.

Arthur: Hey, I've eaten there!

Brain: Hey, I love those burgers!

Francine: And Vingal Frensky did advise Abe Lincoln once, but it was just to trim his beard. He was a barber. I’ve actually got a box here with some bits of his beard. ''She searches her bag. Several children come to the front.''

Class: (Wow!    I want to see it!     Lincoln’s hairs!)

Mr. Ratburn: Fascinating. Grandpa Frensky and Francine give each other a thumbs up.

After the report in class.

Muffy: That was a great report, Francine. You’re sure your relatives didn’t own a real castle.

Francine: Yeah.

Muffy: You're such a good friend!

Buster comes to the front with his grandfather’s lunchbox.

Buster: I thought all I’d have to show you would be my grandfather’s lunchbox and my report would be boring. But then I found this sandwich inside. He takes it out.   It's from 1955! He takes a bite.   Mmm! Baloney!

Class: Eugh!

Back in the future.

3W: Is that really what life was like a hundred years ago?

R4: I guess so.

3W: I liked it. But it didn't make a lot of sense. I mean, what's a hamburger?

R4: Beats me!

The episode ends with a man walking a hovering robot dog outside.