Phony Fern/Transcript

Introduction
Virgule Watteau (Fern) and Bastings (George) run up a flight of stairs.

Watteau: Quickly, Bastings, I feel we may already be too late. The Baron is leaning out of an upstairs window and holding something.

Baron: (laughs)   Watteau and Bastings come in.   Ah, Virgule Watteau, I knew you would find me here.

Watteau: And I knew that you knew. You see, Baron, Virgule Watteau, she is always one step ahead. Arrest that kidnapper, Bastings. Bastings advances holding handcuffs.

Baron: Not this time, Watteau, not if you want to see your dearest friend alive again.

Watteau: Hh! ''The Baron points at whatever he is holding out of the window. A crowd has gathered below.''   One false move and I'll drop him. (laughs)     Watteau looks shocked.

Bastings: Atchoo! The Baron accidentally drops what he is holding.

Watteau: Oh, no!

Bastings: Sorry, there must be a cat in here.

Watteau: Bastings, he dropped him. I'll apprehend the Baron, you get to the street, Bastings.

Bastings: This will be quicker than the stairs. ''He ties a rope to a window and tries to abseil down, but falls. Ooah! Watteau advances on the Baron. When he runs away, she throws a lasso after him. ''

''Bastings is outside dangling on his rope. Watteau has tied the baron to a railing.''

Man: Look, Virgule Watteau has got the Baron. She's done it again!

Crowd: (cheer)     ''Watteau sadly looks at something on the ground. The crowd looks on sympathetically.''

Watteau: But at what cost? My dearest friend in the world. No-one will ever know how I felt about you, my pauvre little Portilex 360 with wireless chatback and 157 ring tones. ''She removes a blanket from the remains of a cellphone. She holds the pieces in her hand and presses a button.''     Speak to me! Why???

Title Card: Fern Writes
Muffy and Fern are sitting next to each other in a movie theater.

Girl (in movie): Oh, Bamboo, you're the best elephant a little girl could ever have. ''Muffy’s cellphone rings. She takes it out.''

Muffy: It's my brother. He's calling from college. Hi, Chip, how's Tallahassee Tech? Did you make captain of the swim team?

Man: Shh! ''Several people look annoyed. Fern slides down in her seat.''

Muffy: Sure, I can talk, the movie's almost over. U-huh.

Man: Shh!

Muffy: No! That's so unfair!

Fern: Sorry! Most people around Muffy, including Fern, leave.

Muffy: You have to tell Daddy, you know he paid for their badminton court.

#

''Muffy and Fern sit inside Chickin Lickin’. ''

Fern: I was really glad you invited me to the movies, but I wish you'd turned your phone off. I mean, I don't even know how it ended.

Muffy: Huh? Oh, the elephant dies. It's really sad. (laughs)

Fern: Muffy, what are you looking at? Muffy holds up her cellphone.

Muffy: I'm just texting Bailey.

Fern: But he's right outside. Bailey stands in front of the window holding a cellphone.

Muffy: Oh, I didn't notice. "I C U, Bailey." (laughs)       Fern leaves looking peeved.

#

Fern walks down the street with Buster who is eating carrot sticks out of a plastic bag.

Fern: She was more interested in that phone than in me. It was infuriating. What's so great about cellphones, anyway?

Buster: They make life easier. You don't have to carry around change for payphones.

Fern: But people are on them constantly. Just look around you. ''Two people sit in a café. ''   He's using one, so is she. A girl on a skateboard drives by.   And her''. An adult and two preschool age children are holding cellphones.''    And him! ''The Mighty Mountain team walks along, all holding cellphones. ''And all of them! ''Fern and Buster walk by Mr. Crosswire’s car. He is on his cellphone.''  They all have little machines plastered to their ears.

''Several people at the bus stop are using their cellphone as the bus arrives. The bus has a cellphone ad on the side. A mother is dragging a little boy past a cellphone shop.''

Buster: You're right! It's like the phones are controlling them, altering their brainwaves and turning them into a species of babbling robots! Buster’s cellphone rings.   Agh! Mom? I'm on my way. Get off the phone before it turns you into a robot! He dumps he carrots in Fern’s hands.   Here, have some carrots. He puts his cellphone in the plastic bag and runs off.

Fern: You'll never see me with one of those things! ''Something rings. Fern looks at the carrot in her hand. A man walks past her taking out his cellphone.''

#

''Fern and her parents are in their living room. A new cellphone is lying on the table.''

Mr. Walters: Now, it's only for emergencies.

Mrs. Walters: Or if I wanna reach you because I'm running late to pick you up from school.

Mr. Walters: Or if I'm away on business trip and you just want to say hello''. Fern picks up the phone. It snaps open, hitting her nose.''

Fern: Ow!

Mrs. Walters: But don't use it too much, okay, honey?

Fern: Trust me, I won't.      Fern puts the phone down.

Mrs. Walters: You don't like it? Did I get the wrong color? They had one with polka dots. I could exchange it.

Fern: Oh, no, Mom, it's perfect. Thank you. She picks up the phone and leaves the room.

Mr. Walters: Ferny, don't forget the instruction booklet.

#

While kids are playing on the school playground, Fern sits on the merry-go-round studying the instruction booklet.

Fern: "To engage security function, press star 66."

Phone: “Security breach! Step away from the phone! Step away from the phone!”    ''Fern closes the phone. Muffy comes over.''

Muffy: Hh! You have the Portilex 360?! I have the Portilex 360! I just got it. The other one I had was so last fall.

Fern: Big deal! It's just a phone.

Muffy: Fern, the Portilex 360 is not just a phone, it's a comprehensive telecommunications system with ever-expanding interfaces. She points to the booklet.    See, it says so right there. What's your ring tone?

Fern: Beats me.

Muffy: You haven't selected one yet? Here, I'll help you. She takes Fern’s phone.     There are 157 of them, you know. Fern shakes her head.    Menu, options, settings, preferences, tones, ring library, folder b, file 43...

Fern: Oh, just choose anything, I really don't ca...! ''Music sounds. Fern looks up. ''That's the theme to “Mid-afternoon Mystery Theatre”, my favorite show!

Muffy: Pretty cool, huh? Scoot over. I'll show you how to operate chatback, that’s the instant messaging feature. Oh, and you'll love the camera!

#

Fern and George are playing detectives on the playground dressed as Virgule Watteau and Bastings.

Fern: Look, Bastings, a clue. It is a feather from the boa of the missing Countess. She looks at the feather through a magnifying glass.

George: Great Scot, Watteau! Here, put it in my clue pouch and we'll show it to Inspector Clapp.

Fern: There is no need, mon ami. Virgule Watteau will photograph it with her Portilex 360!

George: Her what?

Fern: Voilà! Is not the image clear and the colors lifelike? She shows George the photo on her cellphone.

George: You can't have a cellphone. It's supposed to be the 1930s.

Fern: Ah, but Virgule Watteau, she is always one step ahead. Hh! I think I lost it! Let's see... ''Her moustache blows away. George runs after it.''

George: Yikes!

Fern: Menu, options, gallery... George brings her moustache.

George: Your moustache, Watteau.

Fern: Thanks. She puts the moustache away.    Now, let's see, would it be in recent photos or image library?

''In her imagination Fern is sitting on a ferris wheel with her phone. ''

Fern: (sings:) “I never thought it could be true / that I'd be so fond of you. / I'm flesh and blood and you're just a piece of plastic''. Fern sits in the library and has her phone hidden in her book. It rings and everyone looks.''      But when I hear you start to ring / Something in me wants to sing…”

Boy: Shh!

Fern: “…and with you in my hand I feel fantastic.”   ''She is sitting on a book cart being wheeled out of the library. ''

Fern and her now anthropomorphic phone run towards each other on a mountain meadow.

Fern+Phone: “You're my purple friend, / my special purple friend…”

Phone: …and together there is nothing we can't do”    ''They hold hands. They are now standing on a stage.''

Fern: “Text a buddy!”

Phone: “Go online!“

Fern: “Snap a photo!”

Phone: “Check the time!”

Fern: “Write a sonnet!”

Phone: “I'll get on it!”

Fern sits on her phone which is now a rocket ship.

Fern: “Oh, this feeling's unexpected, / but now we're so connected, / my little purple friend and me!

''The make a heart-shaped cloud in the sky. A rainbow appears.''

The fantasy ends.

#

''Fern is lying in bed. She is woken by her phone.''

Fern: Hey, Muffy. No! She broke up with him?! She gets up.   Is Chip upset? She goes into the bathroom and brushes her teeth.      What was Lexie thinking? She stands in the shower.   Sure? I thought he was seeing Lexie. She comes back into her room.    Oh, Biff's seeing Lexie. ''She stands in the kitchen with a sandwich. (laughs)  '' How'd they get a cow in the library?

Mrs. Walters: Ferny!

Fern: Hold on. ''She hides the phone behind her back. Her mother comes in with a couple of picket signs''

Mrs. Walters: I have three houses to show so I may be home late tonight, but your father's making dinner. Bye, Sweetie. ''She kisses Fern. She leaves and Fern takes out her phone again.''

Fern: How'd they get it out? (laughs)   That Biff!

#

Fern walks to school.

Fern: U-huh. Yeah. That's terrible. Muffy sits in her family’s limousine with the window rolled down.

Muffy: I know. So now my toenails are strawberry surprise and my fingernails are ravishing red. Fern walks past her without either noticing the other.  It's a complete disaster. Here, I'll send you a picture.

''Both Fern and the limousine stop in front of the school. Fern looks at a picture of Muffy’s foot.''

Fern: (laughs)

#

''Fern walks along a school corridor talking to her dad on the phone. She passes Buster and George.''

Fern: I don't know. Maybe turkey on whole wheat. I'm in a turkey mood today.

Buster: Looks like the machines have taken control of Fern. Soon they'll have enslaved the entire planet. Not me though. I've got my foil ears. ''He puts tinfoil cones over his ears. George backs away slowly.''

#

In class Fern and Muffy are looking at their phones under the table.

Mr. Ratburn: So, although the cotton gin was a leap in technology, it also increased the demand for inexpensive labor. If we turn to chapter... Phone, please. You can have it back after school.

Fern: But...

Mr. Ratburn: You know the rules, Fern. Fern gives Mr. Ratburn the phone.   Hm. How do I turn this off?

Phone: “Security breach! Step away from the phone! Step away from the phone!”

Buster: (giggles)    He nudges Fern who looks angry.

#

Fern watches the hands on the clock.

Fern: Come on, come on, come on! The bell rings. The kids start leaving the room.

Buster: Woo-hoo! All right!

Binky: Oh man, we've got another test tomorrow.

Francine: Come on! Fern runs to Mr. Ratburn’s desk.

Fern: Can I please have my phone back now, Mr. Ratburn? ''Mr. Ratburn searches a drawer while Muffy waits at the door. Fern gives gestures “I’ll phone you” and Muffy leaves.''

Mr. Ratburn: It's in here somewhere. Buster's homework excuses. Extra red pens. Plato's Republic. Ah! He takes out a razor.    Wait, no, that's my electric razor.

#

''Fern leaves the classroom with her phone. Muffy phones her from her limousine.''

Muffy: Fern, I just heard the most amazing news. You'll never guess what happened to my brother now that... The image show static then goes black.

Fern: Hello? Muffy? Are you there? An empty battery icon blinks on the phone’s screen.

Phone: Battery is at 10%. Recharge your Portilex now. Fern starts running home.    Battery is at 7%. Please, recharge your Portilex now. Fern runs past some people. Battery is at 5%. Recharge your Portilex immediately! 4%. 3%. Recharge! Recharge! 2%.          ''Fern stumbles over a branch on the sidewalk. ''

Fern: Oof! ''The phone falls into the street. A car approaches. Fern looks in horror but the wheels miss the phone. The car is followed by a bulldozer.''

Fern: No-ooo-ooo! The bulldozer runs over the phone.

#

Fern sits at the table in her home Her parents sit by her.

Fern: It's all my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going. I'm really sorry.

Mr. Walters: We're not upset about the phone. We're just glad you're okay.

Mrs. Walters: Why were you running away?

Fern: Because the battery was dying and I was expecting a call from Muffy.

Mr. Walters: Fern, we got you the cellphone so we could call you and you could call us.

Fern: I know, but we became… cellphone friends. I guess I sort of got carried away.

#

Fern and George are playing detectives on the playground again.

Fern: Our suspect was four feet and six inches and he had a limp.

George: A limp. By Jove, Watteau, how can you tell?

Fern: Notice, Bastings, the impression of the right foot is deeper. But what is this? ''She picks something up. '' A… how do you say?… lollipop stick. Muffy arrives.

Muffy: Fern, there you are. I've been trying to reach you since Friday. Why haven't you been answering your phone?

Fern: Oh, I'm sorry, Muffy, I haven't checked my messages. ''She takes out her new phone. Muffy looks horrified.''

Muffy: What is that??

Fern: My new phone. The old one broke. I decided to use my phone only for emergencies, so it's probably best you didn't call me on it.

Muffy: Don't worry, I wouldn't call that thing if you paid me. She walks away.

Fern: I thought so. She and George look down.

Muffy: Oh, I almost forgot to tell you the big news. Chip's coming home. We're having dinner on Sunday and you're invited. She runs off.

Fern: You see, Bastings, sometimes it is the little grey cells, not the cellphones, which make the connection. ''She looks through her magnifying glass. George scratches his head.''