Bugged/Transcript

Introduction
D.W. watches TV in the living room and eats peanut butter from a jar.

Kids (on TV): “Mary Moo Cow, Mary Moo Cow, we love you, Mary Moo. When you’re with a Moo Cow, every day is super…”

''The ground shakes and Arthur comes in. He is as tall as the ceiling. He lies down on the couch which creaks under his weight.''

Arthur: D.W., why am I so large today?

D.W.: Today, we're seeing things from my point of view. You always look huge to me.

Arthur: I do?

D.W.: Arthur, you're in third grade. You're a giant! Your gloves are as big as my shoes!

Arthur dips his finger in the peanut butter.

Arthur: It's weird that people see you differently to how you see yourself.

His mom comes with a napkin.

Mrs. Read: Oh, Arthur, you've got peanut butter all over your face.

Arthur is suddenly about one year old and sitting in a high-chair.

Arthur: Mom, cut it out!

Mrs. Read: Sorry, Arthur. I just can't help thinking of you as my little baby.

Arthur: Well, I'm not a baby, okay? I'm a... He suddenly wears a tuxedo. …a waiter?

Pal is holding his empty dog dish in his mouth.

Pal: (whines)

Arthur: Our special today is kibble drenched in steak gravy with a side of liver snaps.

Pal: Woof! Woof!

Arthur: Aha. And how would you like that done?

Pal: Woof!

Arthur: Pal is a very demanding customer, but he is a good tipper.

Pal drops a bone at his feet.

Title Card: Brain Swims
On the “Bionic Bunny Show”, Dr. Fowl has tied Bionic Bunny to a strange machine.

Dr. Fowl: When the sand drains from the hourglass, the conveyor belt will carry you onto the bed of this catapult where rats will gnaw the rope on this pulley, releasing the weight and sending you into this vat of piping-hot scrambled eggs! (laughs madly)

Bionic Bunny: You'll never get away with this, Dr Fowl! It’s pure chicken array!

''Brain and Binky are watching in the Powers’ living room. Binky looks horrified. Brain beside him looks bored.''

Brain: (sighs) Why doesn't he just throw Bionic Bunny into the scrambled eggs?

Binky: Hey, whose side are you on?

Brain: But it's so unrealistic! Watch now. Dr Fowl will reveal his master plan for no reason.

Dr. Fowl (on TV): And while you're melting like a wedge of cheddar, I'll be robbing banks dressed as… you!

He puts on a Bionic Bunny mask.

Brain: Ah, the age-old mask device?! We've seen it a million times. I can tell you exactly what's going to happen next.

Binky: Cut it out! Why do you have to ruin the whole show?! It really bugs me.

***

Mr. Ratburn has a model of the solar system on his desk.

Mr. Ratburn: And the outermost planet is...? Francine?

Francine: Pluto.

Mr. Ratburn: Good. Now, because Pluto is so far away from the sun...

Brain: Mr. Ratburn? Pluto's orbit intersects Neptune's so technically it's not always outermost.

Mr. Ratburn: Right. Thank you, Alan. But I'd appreciate it if you raise your hand before...

Brain raises his hand.

Brain: Yes, Alan?

Mr. Ratburn: Isn't it true there's some controversy as to whether Pluto should be classified as a planet at all?

Several kids look bored or roll their eyes.

Brain: Yes, I suppose.

Mr. Ratburn: So, why are we learning the planets if we don't even know...

Brain: Hand, Alan. Hand. Brain raises his hand. Sorry, no more questions until after class.

Brain looks grumpy.

***

''After school, Binky, George, Muffy and Prunella play “Capture the Flag” against Francine, Arthur, Buster and Brain in the park. Both teams are huddled up.''

Francine: You guys sneak around back and divert them and I'll race in and grab the flag.

Arthur: Good idea!

Brain: Wait. Haven't you guys learnt anything from the Battle of Agincourt? The likelihood of traversing that...

Francine: You don't like my plan?

Brain: Well, a more effective option would be to orchestrate a weave pattern. Here, let me show you on my DX3 Personal Organizer.

''Muffy sneaks past them. Suddenly, Francine’s team hears the others celebrating.''

Muffy’s Team: (Yeah! Woo-hoo!)

Arthur: Aww...

***

After the game, Brain walks home with Buster.

Brain: I know we would have won if they had just listened to me. Here, I saved the plan on my DX3... He searches his pockets. Ah! My personal organizer! I left it on the field!

He runs back.

Brain picks up his organizer when he hears Francine and Arthur, who are sitting on a park bench.

Francine: We could have won if it weren't for Brain. He's such a know-it-all. Sometimes he can be a real pest.

Brain: Come on, Francine. It's not a big deal.

Francine: But it happens every time.

''They walk away. Brain sits down looking thoughtful.''

***

Mrs. Powers tucks her son in.

Brain: Mom? Am I annoying?

Mrs. Powers: Of course not, Sweetie. Where does a question like that come from?

Brain: It was just something someone said. But you know, you really shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition. “From where does a question like that come” is more correct.

Mrs. Powers: Okay, Alan. It’s time to go to sleep.

''She turns off the light and leaves. Brain falls asleep.''

***

''In his dream, Brain wakes up. We see the room through his eyes. Two insect antennae are hanging into the picture.''

Brain: (yawns) I must have stayed up too late working on those extra credit problems.

''Brain opens the door with an insect claw and walks into the bathroom where he sees himself in the mirror as a giant bug. Only his face looks normal.''

Brain: Aaargh! There’s a knock on the door. Mom. Don't be alarmed when you see me.

Mrs. Powers opens the door.

Mrs. Powers: You look fine. Now hurry along.

Brain: Mom, I'm a bug!

Mrs. Powers: Of course, Alan, you're a common household pest. Now, put on the sweater from Grandma. It's school picture day.

***

Brain the bug runs into the classroom wearing the sweater.

Brain: Sorry I'm late, Mr. Rat…

Mr. Ratburn: Oh, just take a seat and stop bugging us. Since we've all done our reading, a pop quiz shouldn’t be too difficult.

Brain tries to pick up a pencil with his claw, but it falls to the floor.

Brain: (sighs)

A while later, the kids work on their tests, while Brain tries unsuccessfully to hold the pencil with both claws.

Mr. Ratburn: Time's up. Congratulations, Alan. You've succeeded in producing a puddle of brown slime.

''There is a puddle on the desk. Mr. Ratburn stamps an F on the quiz.''

***

''Brain the bug tries to enter the cafeteria. Mr. Haney stands at the door.''

Mr. Haney: I'm sorry, Alan. You can't come in here.

Brain: (gasps)

Mr. Haney: We have orders from the Board of Health.

Brain: But I'm hungry!

Mr. Haney: Well, take it up with the Board. In the meantime, there's plenty of rotten fruit in the garbage.

***

The kids pose for a class photo.

Photographer: All right, everyone...smile!

''The flash goes off. Brain covers his eyes.''

Brain: Eeeee!

He runs out of the room on all six legs.

Class: (gasp)

Photographer: We're gonna have to take that one again.

***

Buster, Binky, George and Arthur stand around Francine who is pumping air into her flat bicycle tire.

Arthur: Here, let me try.

Brain: You have a slow leak. I'd suggest a makeshift sealant composed of...

Buster: Will you quit bugging us!

Francine: You're a pest, Brain! A real pest!

Binky: And you know what we do with pests? We squash ‘em!

Kids: Let's get him!

They advance on Brain who runs away.

Brain: Aaargh!

***

''Brain runs into a spooky looking wood pursued by the others. There are flags tied to the trees.''

Brain: Aaargh!

He runs into a cave and hides.

Binky: The subterranean cave? Not that age-old device.

Francine: Really, Brain, have you learned nothing from the Battle of Agincourt?

Brain: What… what are you going to do to me?

''The kids grab him and put him in a machine like on the Bionic Bunny Show. They are now dressed like Dr. Fowl.''

Binky: When Buster pulls this lever, this belt thingy will carry you onto this throwing thingy which will toss you onto this wall where you will be swatted by this giant fly-swatter.

Brain: But... but that makes no sense. It would be much simpler just to swat me without all the rigamarole.

Binky: Maybe. But it would be a lot less fun. Haha! Okay, Buster, let her rip! (laughs)

The kids grin as Buster pulls the lever.

Brain: Nooo!

''The dream ends. Brain sits up.''

Brain: (gasps) Sheesh. What a disturbing dream.

He wiggles his (normal) fingers.

***

''Brain sits in Prunella’s room. She is dressed as a fortune-teller.''

Brain: So what does it all mean?

Prunella: Ohhhmmm... I've got it! It means you will come into sudden wealth.

Brain: Sudden wealth? There was nothing in my dream about sudden wealth!

Prunella: No, wait! You will meet a stranger who will change your life.

Brain: What does that have to do with bugs?

Prunella consults a book.

Prunella: Uh...you will receive a promotion at work?

Brain: I don't have a job! Admit it, you don't know what you're talking about!

Prunella: I suppose that's possible.

Brain: I think I dreamed I was a bug because I am a bug... in a symbolic sense. You see, when I correct people they find it bothersome.

Prunella: Okay, smarty-pants, have it your way!

Brain: A perfect illustration of my theory. I see only one solution - a vow of total silence.

Prunella: Total silence? Ha! You won't last a minute!

Brain: I assure you, Prunella, I have ample willpower to... Oops.

''Prunella grins. He makes a lock-lips-and-throw-away-the-key gesture.''

***

Mr. Ratburn addresses the class.

Mr. Ratburn: If anyone can answer the following question, I'll let you all go to recess early today.

Class: (Oh, cool! Great! Let's do it!)

Mr. Ratburn: What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backwards?

Everyone looks thoughtful.

Brain: (thinks:) Hmm. Moving backwards... I've got it! It's Niagara Falls. The force of the water erodes the lip of the falls, making it recede. He raises his hand. Wait! I can't! My vow!

He lowers his hand.

Mr. Ratburn: Anybody?

Brain holds his right arm down with his left.

Brain: (thinks:) Must...be...strong... Say Niagara Falls! Niagara Falls! Niagara Falls!

Buster: Uh...is it the Statue of Liberty?

Brain facepalms.

Mr. Ratburn: No, Buster, it's a natural landmark. Anybody else?

Everybody looks at Brain.

Brain: Oh, sure, they want me to answer now, but later on they'll just call me a pest.

Mr. Ratburn: Time's up. The answer is Niagara Falls, whose rim is steadily eroded by the thousands of gallons of water passing over it each second.

Brain: (thinks:) 75,000 gallons per second, to be precise.

***

Arthur and some other kids play marbles during recess.

Arthur: Hmm, I could go for a red spiral... or maybe the steelie in the back. What do you think, Brain?

Brain: Ahem.

Arthur: Did you hear me, Brain?

Brain: Ahem! Ahem!

Brain gestures with his foot.

Arthur: Are you okay? Do you need some water?

Brain: (exasperated sigh)

He walks away.

Arthur: What's wrong with him?

***

''Buster is looking at a dandelion when he should be guarding the flag, while Francine, Arthur and Brain are huddled together in the Park. Binky, Muffy, Prunella and George again form the other team.''

Francine: I have the perfect plan. Arthur, you climb up that tree over there. Meanwhile the Brain will grab the right flag at the field...

Brain sees George sneak up on the flag while Buster blows the dandelion.

Brain: (thinks:) They're going to get our flag! I've gotta do something! No. Don't say a word. They don't want you telling them how to do things. But I have to say something! But I can't! But I must! But I... (loud:) Francine, go help Buster. Arthur, make a diversionary move toward their flag.

Francine: (gasps)

''The kids run in different directions. Arthur runs towards Muffy and Prunella.''

Arthur: (gasps)

Brain dodges Binky and gets the flag.

Binky: (grunts)

Brain: Francine!

He hands Francine the flag.

Brain: Here. Sorry.

Francine: Sorry? What are you sorry for? You got us the flag.

Arthur: Yeah, that was great.

Brain: But I told you guys what to do. Doesn’t that annoy you?

Buster: Yeah, but not when it wins us the game.

Arthur: Is that why you’ve been so quiet today? Because you think you’re annoying?

Brain: Well, I overheard Francine calling me a pest the other day.

Francine: I was just mad that we lost, Brain. I’m sorry.

Arthur: Besides, everyone bugs people sometimes. Muffy’s a show-off, Binky can be a bully, and Buster eats my desserts when I’m not looking…

Buster: Huh? And what about Francine, she can be a real bigmouth.

Francine: What? Who are you calling a bigmouth?

Brain: I guess you’re right.

Francine: I am not a bigmouth!

The others leave while she yells.

The next morning Francine gets out of bed.

Francine: (yawns) ''She sees her reflection in the mirrored closet door. She has a pelican’s beak.'' Huh? (screams)